Where were you when you heard gestational zygote, Justin Bieber, may have tinkled his genetic material into the lady-haven of some random fan while shouting profanity and mashing hangy-bits in the Taj Mahal of bathrooms at the Staples Center in LA — thusly impregnating her with — I dunno Hubba Bubba gum and an embryo? Bieber fans called Bieliebers, like that movie about voodoo zombies and witchcraft, have taken to Twitter to unleash hell on Bieber’s Potential Baby Mama, Mariah Yeater.
We don’t want to speculate too much on the hive mind that is the teen fan. That’s a scary place to dwell. What we can do is determine that like no other invention of the last ten years, Twitter has made it so very easy for a user to shout from the rafters their displeasure at just about anyone and for just about anything.
So, a potential child birthed from the loins of a throat-warbling, toddler, isn’t just something to show dismay over, it’s well, something that will strike fear into the minds of anyone disillusioned enough to think that Justin Bieber was 1) saving himself like a cocooned princess high atop an ivory tower, or 2) willing to marry and devote himself to each and every fan with some configuration of @bieber as their Twitter username. To that end, a great and mighty force has rattled the entire Twittersphere.
Thanks to HuffPost, here are some of the best and inexplicably worst Post-Bieber Baby Mama Announcement tweets aimed at Californian Mariah Yeater, who unknowingly started a war with a horde of nameless, faceless beings seething with anger and perhaps gummi bears.
Dumbass? Oh, ho! Not 30 seconds. “That’s just like getting pregnant from a toilet seat…totally a myth. It takes at least 60 seconds for that majestic stork-bird to deliver a baby to your front porch where Santa Claus uses his magic wishing hat to put the squishy baby into a lady’s womb. Then he’ll rub it in whale blubber while the town dances in a circle and sacrifices the first single snowflake of the winter season by smacking each other with trash bags filled with SPAM. Everybody knows that.”
Wait, so the validity of this woman’s statement will be measured by how much assistance Dora the Explorer (Lolwut?) needs on some journey up a mountain? Good to know the world spins on its axis on the say so of an animated cartoon character. This is who she’s referring to, right?! I’m looking at the age group and assuming we’re discussing Dora the Explorer, and not a foreign dignitary.
“WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR BRAIN?” Okay, I get it. “JUSTIN WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING!” Uh, huh. Well, you know, sometimes things happen. “WHATTA CRAPS” What? No, seriously…what? Is this a thing now? We’re now saying things like “Whatta Craps?” What about “Whatta Poops” or “Whatta BM?” I’m thinking if we’re going to just go all rogue and create some sort of poo-related exclamation there should be more than just one option, especially if we’re going plural.
Well, you’re half right about one — and about the other — how do you know?! I think that’s probably exactly where Michael Jackson is. YOU FOUND HIM.
Yes, @pervlikebieber. (Urgh.) Excellent deduction my good Watson! This is exactly what someone who’s lying about paternity will do. She’s going to time the whole thing to coincide with Justin Bieber’s concert, sex up some random guy, who probably looks just like Bieber FTW, and then make sure she gives birth exactly nine months to the day of when the concert took place. She’ll do all of this instead of just lying outright. THE RUSE! IT’S TOO MUCH FOR MY BRAIN! THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO PROVE PATERNITY! PEOPLE ARE JUST ASSIGNED RANDOM, UNKNOWN BABIES WITH THEIR NAMES WRITTEN ON THEIR FACES IN SHARPIE MARKER.
Lastly, it comes down to this. So very true. Not only is Justin Bieber some sort of pariah there’s also Selena Gomez, his erstwhile girlfriend. According to @BrendaJaydnn143 she’s sad. And there’s no way Selena Gomez can be sad. So Brenda, armed with the best steel sword made by
Hattori Hanzo, will travel across the land to seek her vengeance. It may be a long and harried road, after all Mariah Yeater has sworn death by a thousand killer vipers on Selena Gomez, songstress and Disney character. It is up to one, and one Bielieber alone, to right this injustice, as it was so writ on Twitter. Twitter, crazed fans AND prophesies all in one place. No seriously, stop it.
Okay, yeah, I make jokes and remark incredulously about the drama, but really, let’s try and keep things in perspective. This whole allegation may not be true for one thing. Justin Bieber could be created by PIXAR and therefore can’t impregnate anyone, because it’s not anatomically possible. Regardless, let’s dial it down, shall we? Quiet, kids.
