You want me to bring bail? Again? And what else? Booze. Performing poodles. Celebrities. And particularly Paris Hilton. Ah. I see.
I. See.
Look, darling, I’ve been meaning to say this for some time. I’m cutting you loose, sweetheart. Paying your bail is just throwing good money after bad, and as for performing poodles, well, I saw your last armpiece. Why don’t you give her a call? It shouldn’t cost you more than $25 for a full hour, or her flier is lying.
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What’s that, darling? You’re not making any sense. Calm down. Stop screaming. BREATHE! Use your words to tell Veronica what’s bothering you.
Oh.
You say the banality of the celebrity-industrial complex in its current iteration has driven you to near-fatal ennui? That you never thought you’d live to see the day when the likes of me were replaced with talentless, tiny orange gnome women with novelty tits and hair?
Me either, babe. Me either.
There now. Easy, boy. Have a saucer of milk and a little time out and when you’re ready you can click over the link to see today’s extra-creamy gossip links with a side of nearly-actual news. There, there. All better now. Continue reading
Hello darlings. What’s that? You’ve missed me? Oh: You haven’t missed me. And you want me to get with the putting out for you, starting here and now. Okay, sure. I love it when you get all macho on me. And just look at that bitch Bacall, sitting there seething with jealousy. Continue reading
Carole Lombard LOVES Twitter
Yeah, baby! I’ve never been retweeted by William Powell, but I bet it would feel JUST! LIKE! THAT! And on that note, I’m off to watch My Man Godfrey again.