jackassery

10 posts

This Is Why We Don’t Trust You With Guns: A Collection of Crazy Comments From America’s Gun Nuts

Ted Nugents Rent Boy

A special thanks to Thunderclees and Haysi for diving into the Internet Pits of Hell for us.

One of the hallmark cries of the gun lobby in resistance to new firearms legislation is that regulations punish the “responsible gun owner.” I actually know many gun owners who are sensible, careful people who take their responsibility for owning a killing machine seriously. However, these reasonable voices seem to have gotten lost in the cacophony of the debate about gun regulation in our country. Instead, the craziest (and often greediest) voices seem to be the loudest and the discussion about gun policies has become extreme and pointless. Here is the reason the American public will have a hard time trusting gun owners to do the reasonable thing.

Note: This post contains some really ugly racial slurs. You have been warned. People are awful sometimes. Continue reading

AIG, Bank of America Remind Us of the Brilliance of Capitalism

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9xuyB5mWdA

If you spent anytime watching the NFL playoffs on the old TV box over the weekend, it’s likely that you came across AIG’s not-terribly-subtle and entirely self-congratulatory commercials touting both their work in recent disasters and  gratitude towards the American public and the federal government that bailed the firm out during the 2008 crash. This being America, home of freedom, capitalism and blind plutocratic entitlement, that’s not all AIG was up to the last few days. Continue reading

A Recap of the Most Appalling Reactions to the 2012 Democratic National Convention

A very special thanks to Sootcha for all the painful research assistance for this post.

Well it has been an exciting couple of weeks. First the GOP took over Tampa and presumably cemented the exotic dancer vote for the Democrats, then the godless, blue-state sodomites brought there sinful ways to Charlotte. Once again, America weeps. Anyhoo, nothing brings brings the frothy rage of a wingnut up like liberals having a good time. Here is a collection of some of this week’s most regrettable reactions to the 2012 DNC.   Continue reading

How to Win at Graduate School

So you’ve decided to pursue a graduate degree. Maybe you want to expand your job skills, maybe you want to do research on an important topic, maybe you feel like paying $60, 000 to be humiliated by mediocre academics who would rather be doing field research in El Salvador, maybe you are just hoping to get laid. Whatever your motivations (and I don’t judge) you have paid the deposit, taken the worthless campus tour, and have made an account on the inevitably unworkable campus email system, so you are officially a grad student. Note: Even if you just got your acceptance letter today and don’t start classes until September, tell your friends and relatives you are now a grad student. It makes your unemployment seem acceptable.

Fortunately for you, The Grand Inquisitor was a grad school rock star and is here to help you make the most out of the very expensive next couple of years. The rules for graduate school are not in any way related to how undergraduate programs work. In fact, the rules of graduate school are not related to any other human institution. It is its own very special version of Hell. However, it’s too late for you. So here are a few pointers to get you started.

Do:

  • Pick on students who aren’t as smart as you are. Grad school is a bit like prison. Establish your dominance early on. Also, it is one of the few places it is socially acceptable to mean to dumb people, enjoy it.
  • Kiss the department chair’s ass. Want that “research assistantship” where you collect punk records from the 80s. This is who you need to give the blow job to.
  • Bang the faculty. They are usually divorced and desperate, and they have more money than you so you can get a nice meal at that new Thai place.
  • Drink. This is the most important thing you will do in graduate school. As a grad student it is perfectly acceptable to show up with your classmates at the bar at 1 pm on a Tuesday and act like you are studying.
  • Attend functions with the department and faculty folks. They always have free booze because it is the only way your thesis advisor can stand to listen to how you are going to change the field with a theory that fell out of fashion in the 50s (you should have at least checked Wikipedia).

Don’t:

  • Ditch class all the time. Academics sustain themselves on the idea that you actually give a shit about what they think.  Show up and pretend they are fascinating so they will give you an A on that stupid narrative analysis you wrote about a Beyonce video.
  • Talk for 40 minutes of a 50 minute class. Yes dude, we get it. You really like Foucault and you have a deeper understanding of Fanon than any of the rest of us. If one of these people is in one of your classes (and there will be), it is perfectly acceptable to go to the library and check out every single book relating to their thesis topic for 9 weeks.
  • Get involved in academic politics. The only thing more sad than The Libertarian Party Convention is a student senate meeting. Pointless and needlessly shrill, student government meetings usually pick the worst pizza place to order from and rarely have beer.
  • Monitor the amount of debt you are acquiring. Just pretend that doesn’t exist. Otherwise you will panic and actually go find a job.
  • Stop drinking. Seriously, it is the only way you are going to survive the realization that nobody cares about your research and that you should have went with that MBA program.

Welcome to The Academy my friends.

Fun With Politics: Nepotism Edition

Note: This article was put together by Lady_E for your reading pleasure. Show some appreciation.

Of the many themes emerging from the uprisings sweeping the Middle East, one of the most resonant and motivating have been complaints of nepotism. Before pledging to hold elections, lift onerous security laws or stop police brutality, dictator after dictator has rushed to state TV to pledge, first and foremost, that they will not foist their worthless, generally reviled and invariably criminal son onto their beleaguered country. “No, no! I was never going to do that! I promise!” they swear in a desperate attempt to appease their outraged populations. In fact, many commentators have suggested that the final straw in Egypt was the widespread belief that Hosni Mubarak was going to install his hated son, Gamel, as President in the next elections. Not surprisingly, the very first response to the protests from Mubarak was to promise that neither he nor his son would be a candidate in the elections.

This phenomenon is completely understandable. After all, nothing gets people’s hackles up like seeing some entitled douchebag sail through life smugly collecting that Ivy League degree, high paying job or important post without any acknowledgement of how underserved each of these things are. If there is one thing that unites people it is disdain for blatant nepotism and this is true the world over, from the streets of Cairo to the halls of Princeton.

So, in recognition of this powerfully unifying topic, you are all invited to submit your most outrageous example of nepotism. The rules for submission are simple. The parent doesn’t need to be a dad (how’s the autobiography going, Bristol?), nor do they have to be a dictator. But, the child must be completely unworthy of said advantages and privileges obtained by their accident of birth. After all, not all nepotism is bad. As my boyfriend points out, when the all-knowing and all-powerful God needed a job done, he did not pull out the angel org chart or call for candidates. He sent his son.

Choosing one will be difficult, I admit. To start you all off I will make my nomination for the most outrageous, undeserved on the merits and due wholly to his daddy example of nepotism. After much review and careful consideration, I submit to you Mr. Saadi Gaddafi, son of Moamar. As recounted in this excellent New York Times article, papa Gaddafi succeeded in securing for his son, Saadi, what I think is a truly remarkable feat of nepotistic influence- a spot on one of Italy’s most successful Series A soccer teams.

From the article:

 

Fiat is the owner of Italy’s oldest and most successful team, and the team with the most fans — Juventus. The Qaddafi family built up considerable holdings in Juventus, obtaining, according to some reports as much as seven percent of shares in the clubs in recent years. In 2002, the Italian Supercup final was played in Tripoli, the currently embattled Libyan capital, thanks to these links.

It is perhaps for this reason that Saadi Qaddafi thought that he might be able to play in Serie A, despite not being good enough. The strategy was simple — pay teams to have him in their squad, and train with the first team. He might even get a few minutes on the field, on rare occasions.

Saadi was “signed” by Luciano Gaucci, the volcanic owner of Perugia, in the 2003 off-season. Qaddafi had been hanging around Italian soccer for years. He even trained with Paul Gascoigne at Lazio in the 1990s. Although he had trained with Juve, nobody had ever imagined that the dictator’s son was anywhere near good enough to actually turn out in Serie A, except Gaucci.

Despite Gaucci’s best efforts, Perugia Manager Serse Cosmi obstinately refused to play the 30-year-old Libyan. Gaucci issued a statement, at the time, which is interesting in retrospect: “Berlusconi called me up and encouraged me. He told me that having Qaddafi in the team is helping us build a relationship with Libya. If he plays badly, he plays badly. So be it.”

A number of excuses were invented — he was injured, it was the wrong game. Gaucci pleaded publicly with Cosmi, asking if he would play Qaddafi for just one half … even if he is not very good. Cosmi held firm. Qaddafi sat on the bench once without coming on. The case was resolved in a spectacular manner. On the Oct. 5, 2003 (after his first game as nonplaying substitute) Qaddafi’s urine sample was found to contain traces of an illegal substance — Nandrolone. He was barred for three months, without ever having played for the first team.

The Qaddafi saga was not over, however.

Having served his ban, Saadi finally saw some action, for 15 minutes, in a key relegation game against Juventus in May as Perugia won, 1-0. A week later an attack of appendicitis conveniently put him out for the rest of the season.

Can you beat that? Submit your choice in the comments!