In addition to all the highly anticipated films premiering at Cannes this week, Hollywood is out in full-force, plugging films, doing interviews, — either making this all look easy, or baffling us with their red carpet, or as the French would say Croisette, statements. No matter where that carpet is rolled out, there’s sure to be glitz, glamor, and gossip.
Let’s see what news and appearances have taken Cannes by storm. Continue reading
Retro Movie Reviews covers cult classics, films that while they may not have been a critical success have a fan following to this day. These are films that you may have seen as a kid on cable late at night and while the special effects are outdated, the dialogue may be cheesy and the budget may be suspect, these films will always be entertaining and hold a special place in your entertainment seeking heart. If you haven’t seen one of these movies you can almost never go wrong by picking one up to watch.
A kung fu film set in Harlem in the middle of the 80s, The Last Dragon follows Leroy Green (Taimak) AKA Bruce Leroy. Leroy has completed his martial arts training and seeks to move on to the final level to achieve “The Glow” and become a true master.
I have been told I’m too literal minded. Continue reading
All right my little cuddle butts, it’s been a few weeks since I last gave you an update on all the lovely, lovely, read: “holy crap!” movies Hollywood has planned, so prepare for a post chock full of Hollywood goodness. Don’t go screaming into the night or anything.
You were warned.
It’s that time of year again! The Cannes Film Festival is in full swing, and a few of your favorite Crassholes are here to give you the scoop on what’s hot and what’s not. Spirit Fingers, Capt_Badass and I will be reporting live from the red carpet outside the Palais des Festivals. Just kidding! It’s a bunch of fuchsia bathmats I lined up next to my television here in Queens. So! On to the big news that everyone’s talking about. Continue reading
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Monaghan and Vera Farmiga
Directed by: Duncan Jones
Written by: Ben Ripley Continue reading
Oh yeah, I love your little art-house offbeat indie comedy starring Parker Posey and that guy with the strange nose from that one Wes Anderson movie. But sometimes you just need a big-ass, big-budget epic monster of a movie. How the fuck else are you supposed to waste all of Sunday afternoon on the couch?
So for today’s QOTD…
What’s your favorite epic movie?
Finally, a return to women in film. Hasn’t it seemed like forever since a movie touted a primarily all-female cast? Not since 2008’s remake of The Women have we seen this much lady talent in one place. However, we’ll have to hope the outcome of these two new releases fares a bit better than what happened to Meg, Annette, Eva, Jada, and Debra in that last frozen-faced travesty. It just wasn’t good. No, no it wasn’t. And sorry, Meg, but we just don’t understand what’s happening below your hairline either. We’d like you to stop that. Anyway, it’s a new year, and these two offerings would like to reintroduce you to ladies who can act and make us laugh.
Who hasn’t read The Help? If there was a book club, a company break room, a yoga class, or an empty lounge chair at Starbucks there was someone reading The Help last year. This is the book whose name ended the sentence, “Hey, have you read…” or “Oh, my god. Read…!” It was just that kind of phenomenon, and seemingly overnight, plans for a movie were announced. Much of the excitement surrounded who would play all the roles in this inexplicably remarkable little book. The casting of Viola Davis, Oscar nominee and recent Tony winner, as Aibileen was a stroke of genius. The newly minted Emma Stone was at first a bit confusing since she was largely known for just a few lines in Judd Apatow’s Superbad — but her showing in Easy A added a bit more gravitas to her casting as Skeeter Phelan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_yiv4jqW_0
Some have noted the lighthearted approach in this trailer and feel it’s worrisome regarding the overall sentiment of the novel. I can’t say that I totally disagree.
While it’s certainly possible given that this is a spring release, and we’re not in a heavy Oscar push quite yet, the major concern for the studio is probably getting people to the theater — then perhaps they’ll hit you with the heavier subject matter. But I dunno. The trailer almost makes the movie look like a mash of Steel Magnolias with something Tyler Perry would direct (and probably star in). I don’t want to think that’s the case, but I can’t really explain the Rob Reiner music choice, or the Hollywood movie set, Technicolor backdrop, or the flouncy, almost Hairspray-esque visuals. It does seem a touch too light.
As someone who tore through the book in the matter of days, I really want them to do this story justice, but not because it was a book of such overwhelming literary prose. Compelling as it was, it had its foibles, but because for the real-life black women who did Days Work for decades — their story, even if told through the voice of someone who didn’t live that experience — shouldn’t be cavalierly diminished by quick, pre-fab, Hollywood spackle. Given the source material, there was real opportunity to turn it into something poignant. Let’s hope they deliver. At the very least, though, I expect Viola to be excellent. However, at this point I can’t get beyond Emma Stone’s hair. Just what the what? I fear she’ll be a caricature.
So you thought Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were the only two funny chicks on television and making movies in Hollywood? Well, you’d be so, so wrong. Kristen Wiig has finally emerged from the sidekick annals to star in her own ensemble-ly movie about a bunch of begrudging bridesmaids who embark in hilarious antics up the wazoo. Here’s the second trailer about these fine, and so very lady-like chicks in dresses they’ll never wear again.
It seems the new trailer further solidifies that this will be The Hangover: Lost in David’s Bridal, but that’s just fine. There are some identifiable archetypes here — we know what they are, and we’re not surprised to see them emerge. The fun, it looks like, is seeing what the actresses will do with them. If it’s the unexpected — we’ll be thrilled, if it’s the same thing Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, and Cameron Diaz could pull off — we’ll be less so. It looks so far to have the right balance between the believable and the absurd, even if it follows the current “funny movie” formula set-up by throwing most anybody into a movie with Zach Galifianakis. However, I can’t stop myself from thinking about what it could’ve been like if they actually did have Fey and Poehler in the mix here. Would it ratchet it up a notch? Possibly. But ultimately I think it’s good that Wiig is stepping out and away from the rest of the SNL alum. And this surely looks loads better than some of the SNL-born films in the last decade or so. Anyone remember The Ladies Man, or any of the things starring Chris Kattan? So, yeah, good on Wiig so far. I’m excited for this. And it’s about damn time.
So what do you think? Are you like, “I’m there with bells on!” or “I’ll update my Netflix queue.” or “Not even if Jesus was the co-star.” Tell us in the comments.
Idiot Americans, otherworldly idiots, idiots with knives and connections, and one plain old idiot writer/director, will leak all their smarts onto your movie screen.
There is no spoon.
A Musical Movie, Dummy: Universal Pictures has plans to turn the hit Broadway musical, American Idiot, into a theatrical film. Yay! Wait, yay? I dunno. When I think of the phrase American Idiot I don’t usually think of some wailing, emo-dude with eyeliner. I basically think of Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann co-starring in Sarah and Shelly’s High School Reunion! I imagine it would be a fanciful tale about two shrill old ladies who are best friends and live in an apartment littered with the carcasses of various gummi bears who still listen to Amy Grant and Tori Amos while spinning colorful tales about how they’ll be somebody special one day. Why not start at the high school reunion! Squeeeee! Yes, that’s it. This is what they’ve been waiting for. They’ll hitch up their Jesus approved mini-skirts, slap on the Jean Nate body splash, tease their limp hair for all it’s worth and then march themselves right down to the high school gym where they’ll see Todd and Marcus standing by the punch bowl in their Members Only jackets and aviator shades, and they’re all like, “Hey, boys. This is really cool, right?” “Yeah, look there’s even fruit in the punch bowl. Let me take out my cinnamon gum.” “My breath is like awesome, right?” “What?” “Yup, sure, we’ll come with you guys to your dad’s Chevy Impala out back.” “We’re like waitresses down at the Waffle House, of course we know what to do with sausage, why do you ask?”
Living with Aliens…Now All the Time: Hollywood is moving beyond calling things remakes and reboots now. They’re just basically saying, “You know that movie we made thirty-years ago that is exactly like this one? Yeah, okay, that movie doesn’t exist anymore.” And we the audience are like, “Hell no, I know for a fact I saw Howard the Duck. You just can’t convince me that I didn’t see a walking, talking duck, and Lea Thompson’s bad hair choices.” Well, apparently, Hollywood is like a cabal of ancient wizards and they can make movies disappear. They’re doing so with a visual re-fried bean called, They Live, about a guy who wakes up and realizes that he’s surrounded by aliens that are controlling society. Hey! Isn’t that just like the movie about the guy who sees aliens that are controlling society with those special glasses also called They Live? Hollywood says, “We have no idea what you’re talking about. James, take Spirit Fingers down to the BrainWipe room.” Anyway, they’re doing this thing and plan on making it less satirical, so that means basically a very serious alien movie. As opposed to Robin Williams in a red jumpsuit. Whatever. Na-nu, Na-nu.
48 Hours with John Rambo…bring your bowknife: Sylvester Stallone and his retired face muscles will be in a movie called Headshot. Walter Hill director of The Warriors, 48 Hrs, and Brewster’s Millions will helm this non-Rambo offering starring Adrian’s husband. I wasn’t actually sure Sylvester Stallone made movies that didn’t involve killing outlaws in Burma or teaming up again with the massive walking pot roast that is Dolph Lundgren, but these things are still happening, I guess. This particular sure-to-be the Spike channel’s movie of the year will star Stallone as a New Orleans hitman who teams with a young NYPD detective: “The unlikely duo, brought together by two vicious murders, take on all who stand in their way, and are willing to sacrifice everything to exact revenge.” Soooo, this will be 48hrs Stallone style. Ho, boy. I’m not sure there are enough monosyllabic utterances in the world for that.
Crazy trivia time: Do you know who was considered to star in 48hrs? Gregory Hines, Richard Pryor, Burt Reynolds, Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, and Denzel Washington. Now that we’re obviously trying to right a grievous wrong here according to Stallone, who should play the young NYPD detective? My money is on Mickey Rourke so the entire cast will look like everyone just attached road kill to their faces.
Gotti Get A GoodFella: So, in addition to John Travolta’s synthetic dancing widow’s peak playing John Gotti in the biopic Gotti: Three Generations, Joe Pesci has signed on to play Angelo Ruggiero, deputy to the infamous mafia boss. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Sure, I’d still like to see Pesci threaten to break someone’s aorta for mentioning the word “shinebox,” but I just don’t know if he still has the fire in him like he used to. Where’s he been for the last fifteen years? Even De Niro has somehow fallen straight into a bottle of fun, family comedy, and Ray Liotta was recently a warlock in some crazed medieval schlocky shitshow starring Jason Statham…so, uh, it’s like the Goodfellas went on vacation to Wally World and haven’t returned. Maybe this is just a phase. But the biggest news about the Gotti movie is that Lindsay Lohan, yes, that Lindsay “crack pipe in stilettos” Lohan is in talks to play somebody in this movie. No one knows what part she’s vying for. Perhaps a younger Victoria Gotti? Perhaps the girlfriend of one of the Gotti boys? Perhaps she’ll play herself as John watches her court proceedings on jail TV? Either way I’m sure Michael Lohan will attempt to squeeze himself into his daughter’s handbag the day she reports on set.
Transforming the Rope a Dope: So if you don’t think Michael Bay has ruined robots for all eternity, and the thought of a Robocop remake doesn’t make you want to choke on an Atari cartridge, then perhaps you’re excited for the upcoming Hugh Jackman boxing robot vehicle, Real Steel. Which to me just looks like Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots on steroids with an Australian screaming things at them in American talk. Fine. Whatever. I’m not sure it can get worse than toilet humor alien robots with gold teeth. Sheesh. Well, DreamWorks wants to put that to the test! Real Steel hasn’t even premiered yet and they’re already talking sequel! Apparently test screening for Real Steel Original Sauce has been successful. Why do I suspect the “test group” was a room full of ten-year old boys who watched the thing high on Doritos dust while holding the pre-marketed action figure and sipping from a Real Steal juice box? I’m not sure why they’re even releasing the first one, if number two (pun intended) has already been greenlit. Why do we even bother going to movies anymore? Exactly. Hollywood is working on a putrid movie additive they plan to put in our drinking water. We’ll quench a thirst and mentally absorb Nic Cage’s back sweat as he frantically tries to save the world from his zombie monster bird hair and his weird Friday night drunken binges.
M. Night Shyamalan To Get Schooled: This is just hilarious. Rotten Tomatoes found this little gem from Entertainment Weekly that talks about a website dedicated to crowdsourcing funds to send filmmaker (or fehmaker, six of one) M. Night Shyamalan back to film school! “If we all donate just one dollar, we can send M. Night back to NYU so he gets the help we all so desperately need. Let’s make it happen so we can get him enrolled before he starts principal photography on 1000 A.E.” In addition, they say if they raise the funds, but Shyamalan refuses their check then they’ll start a scholarship in his name instead and “send the NEXT Tarantino to NYU.” Um, this will never, ever, work. I just don’t think Shyamalan has hit bottom yet. No, no I don’t think he has. He wasn’t deterred after he created that magical water-boy nonsense about magical Avatars, which to his shock wasn’t about the veritable movie gold that was alien Blue Donkeys with vibrating genitalia in their braids. And now he’s somehow convinced an A-list actor to star in a movie surely about mysterious alien kangaroos living in a cave filled with five-testicled sea urchins. Bring it, Cameron! No, surely this isn’t rock bottom. Rock bottom is probably remaking Howard the Duck.
That’s it for this week. I feel smarter. Don’t you?
OK, movie buffs film geeks, we know you read Cahiers Du Cinema every week and masturbate to Akira Kurosawa retrospectives. So let’s talk auteurs…
Who’s your favorite movie director?
So don’t give us a laundry list. Let’s hear the one director whose movies you’d want to have on a dessert desert deserted island.
Since I’m a child of the 90s and still fondly remember going to see Pulp Fiction at the movie theater there on Rt. 30 in Wayne, I’m going with Tarantino. I still consider “ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT? to be right up there with the greatest all-time movie lines.
So who’s your favorite director?