hollywood

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Hollywood’s ‘Totally Bogus’ Movie Plans for You

Movies are about to get excellent again, a wrong zig-zag can leave you toe tagged and body bagged, Madea does good, the Arnold gets animated, and Captain Kirk spaces out.

This week’s movies are out of time.

A Journey into Excellence: Talk about getting back to your roots. As we speak Keanu Reeves is waiting anxiously for the script for the third installment of Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure. I can’t imagine greater news. How will a new Bill and Ted movie contain all of the dynamic facial expressions Keanu Reeves has perfected over the last twenty years? They must have a plan. I assume it involves Plaster of Paris and Sandra Bullock holding his eyebrows in place. But just how will they update the whole traveling via telephone booth thing? It’s not like they can change that phone booth into say a policeman’s box, and then move the whole shebang across the pond to London, and maybe add a zany guy who’s maybe a doctor but probably is just really an actor wearing a bowtie? Can they do this? Can Keanu affect a respectable British accent? What? Bram Stoker’s Dracula? What about it? Oh, okay. Nevermind.

Lighting Up Our Lives Forever: Since it’s either pirate ships or living in a tin can in the mouth of a whale, Disney just will not rest until we incorporate some faction of their world into our daily lives. They’re pinning their next round of hopes on Tron: Sequel to An Ill-Conceived Sequel! Are you excited? I am. Because what’s not to be excited about neon glowsticks affixed to futuristic matchbox motorcycles? We need these things in our lives, right? Nothing is better than life and death Geometry. Perpendicular and isosceles — all these things from 9th grade! Never thought we’d use it again. Well, we’re not really using it now, we were mostly supposed to just look at Garrett Hudlund’s hair and aquamarine eyeballs, but really it was about watching grizzle-bear Jeff Bridges’ disembodied young face-flesh attached onto some actor’s body who had to tell people, “Hey, look guys, that’s me.” “Where, Josh?” “Right there…with Jeff Bridges’ head on my body.” Surely his proudest acting moment since the Right Guard commercial aired in Turkey.

Today in Wigs and Dresses: Tyler Perry has plans for his latest movie. Tyler Perry will produce, star, and direct the new movie, Tyler Perry’s Perry’s Tyler. Well, no that’s not it. It will be called Good Deeds, because we assume if you’re going to a Tyler Perry film you are indeed doing a good deed…for his checkbook. No, that’s not right. It’s a good deed….for his popularity. Wait, no! No! It’s a good deed…for his continued ability to make movies. Oh, no. I don’t know what exactly the purpose is for this. I think the movie has something to do with romance and Tyler Perry. There’s been no news of a female lead, so I assume the movie will entail Tyler Perry staring in a mirror counting his money and threatening to beat someone with a shoe.

Yes, we know. He’ll be back: Arnold Schwarzenegger has missed you guys. He’s been planning on a way to entertain his masses of fans, and anyone not affected by a skyrocketed California budget, for the last few months. In his off time he’s put his ear to the ground, sent out notices by carrier pigeon, light speed, and pony express for the best movie scripts available, and in walked the Governator. Started as a comic book, the ex-ruler of Cali-for-nia firmly believes that he can turn this comic about a powerful robot, or a hair plug recipient, or a bag of saggy muscles into an actual theatrical film that we the viewing public would pay money for in some universe that exists outside of 1987. Yes, he believes this will happen. We shouldn’t encourage it. There’s so much he wants to do with this Governator character. He’s talking video games, a television series, a cartoon — that’s just so much Arnold. Just so, so, much. We’ll need smaller doses. I’m thinking his picture on a Speedo box or a guest appearance on the Jimmy Fallon show doing spoken word with Brian Williams.

Going Back to Where Man Has Been Before: So we kind of liked that little Star Trek reboot a couple years ago, right? Chris Pine did his hunky best at being the pause-afflicted Captain Kirk, Zachary Quinto all but nailed being Spock, and Zoe Saldana mostly ran around in a short skirt until they made her a large blue donkey in a world run by James Cameron dragons. We enjoyed this, yes? Seems like it took a long time for the studio to decide that another Star Trek movie, alongside the dozen already in existence, was needed in the world. Honestly, I’m not sure how much more space there’s left to explore. If I had to guess, I’d think the Star Trek people were just puttering around the cosmos like janitors hoping to sweep up a discarded space-sandwich and make a new tale out of bologna and sauerkraut. Despite a largely successful debut, some fans were disappointed with what the reboot brought to the table. Mostly it sounds like a lot of Spock envy.

Casting News

Mark Whalberg, of the Funky Bunch Wahlbergs, will get his laugh track in shape for the comedy, Bait and Switch
Ben Affleck, the Daredeviling townie, is in talks to play Tom Buchanan in The Great Gatsby
Sean Hayes, Will and Grace star of Just Jack, will take on the role of Larry in the Three Stooges
Rob Van Winkle, the hammer-loving Vanilla Ice contractor, has scored a supporting role in Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg’s, I Hate You Dad
Lily Collins, the daughter of Sussudio creator Phil Collins, has been cast as Snow White
Hugh Jackman, advisor to all Wolverine mutton chops, may join Snow White and the Huntsman
Chloe Moretz has been let in to play Carolyn in Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows
Keanu Reeves, the speedy lake house owner, will make his directorial debut with Man of Tai Chi
Bret McKenzie, the flying conchord, will join Peter Jackson’s, The Hobbit
Leonard Nimoy, forever Spock, despite our internal despair, will join Michael Bay’s Transformers: Dark of the Moon as the voice of Sentinel Prime
Will and Jaden Smith will be underwhelming and atrocious in an Untitled M. Night Shyamalan thing of unwatchableness
Josh Hutcherson and Liam Hemsworth, the whitest guys you know, will play Peeta and Gale in the Hunger Games
Woody Allen, resident of Manhattan, will play himself in Paris Manhattan

Fortunately movies are optional. They’re not a law or anything. It’s not like Schwarzenegger could force you to look at him. He’s mostly silicone and fiberglass. I don’t know that for sure. Cyberdyne doesn’t return my calls.

[Rotten Tomatoes Movie News]

Opening Weekend: Source Decoded

I hope they explain where the people go for eight minutes while Gyllenhaal is in their bodies mucking around with doomed trains and such. If I had my choice it would be eight minutes in Antigua sipping on a fruity alcoholic beverage while eying a bacon cheeseburger. But that’s just me. I imagine the people in this movie are sent to some sort of government holding area. Not fun, and probably not nearly enough bacon. Pity, that.

This weekend’s movies have plans for your afterlife.

Source Code

I’m not sure if Jake Gyllenhaal takes off his clothes in this one, but the critics seem to like what they see.

When decorated soldier Captain Colter Stevens (Jake Gyllenhaal) wakes up in the body of an unknown man, he discovers he’s part of a mission to find the bomber of a Chicago commuter train. In an assignment unlike any he’s ever known, he learns he’s part of a government experiment called the “Source Code,” a program that enables him to cross over into another man’s identity in the last 8 minutes of his life.

What you can expect: Doctor Sam Beckett is forced into a time traveling accelerator prematurely and vanishes. He then finds himself in someone else’s body with partial amnesia. His only contact from home is Al, a holographic image only he can see and hear. Setting right things which once went wrong, Sam leaps from life to life, hoping each time that this is the final leap home. Scott Bakula then becomes Captain Jon Archer of the Star Trek: Enterprise. The end. No, not really. This will probably be a decent science-fiction offering. It may even be a compelling “edge of the seater” since they’re working with time and just minutes to make some paradoxical changes. And no kidding…Scott Bakula really is a part of this movie. He voices the part of Captain Colter’s father. Coincidence? I think not.

What could annoy: The fact that it’s a 21st century Quantum Leap? Perhaps, but not likely. Those who follow the meanderings of Jake Gylenhaal have no real idea of this show. They’ll tune in to watch him make googly eyes at Michelle Monaghan and try to save the world from terrorism or some other thinly-veiled government threatening baddies. Throw in a train and you’ve got the number one transportation-related horrorshow that’s cropped up in movies for the last year or so. Are trains really this sinister? I think we should go back to horse drawn carriages. No one ever got bombed in a carriage, well, unless you’re counting what happens if you’re downwind.

Hop

Get the Cadbury Crème Eggs ready. The reviews of Hop need the chocolate.

The battle for Easter is on! In HOP, Despicable Me’s Russell Brand voices E.B., the teenage son of the Easter Bunny. On the eve of taking over the family business, E.B. leaves for Hollywood in pursuit of his dream of becoming a drummer. Once there, he encounters Fred (James Marsden of the X-Men series, Enchanted), an unemployed slacker with his own lofty goals.

What you can expect: Complete amazement that it’s taken Hollywood this long to discover a kids movie about the Easter bunny. Normally you’d think perhaps they’d stay away since well, the whole Jesus thing, but apparently it’s okay because with Jesus you get bunnies and eggs! We have no indication that bunnies and eggs are tied to religion but we’ll maybe watch a whole movie devoted to the existence of a fanciful bunny and his divine offspring. That’s just a mind-blower, right? The Jesus bunny has a son. It’s a miracle. This also explains how the bunny mammal can lay eggs every year. Miracles, you see. After you absorb all of that, it’s a cute little movie, short on story and overwhelming charm, but long on colorful confections, James Marsden, and Russell Brand. I’m thinking you’re getting what you pay for.

What could annoy: Have you ever heard Russell Brand? Okay, then.

Insidious

Bedeviled kid manages to creep out the critics. Linda Blair felt a chill in the air.

Josh and Renai have a happy family with their three young children. When tragedy strikes their young son, Josh and Renai begin to experience things that science cannot explain.

What you can expect: Old school haunts and taunts. Gratuitous use of shocks and suspense instead of now run-of-the-mill gory torture porn. Shocking that this throw-back thrill ride came from the people who made the Saw movies. In addition, the folks behind the popular Paranormal Activity movies have lent this newest offering their “less is more” sentiments. Good pacing and thrilling sound effects round out the film. It’s said to be one of the better horror movies in the last few years. I’m a tough critic so it remains to be seen if it passes my test…which is making me scream at the film and tell the people up on the screen emphatically “Not to open that fucking door, you idiot!” or thereabouts.

What could annoy: Getting to the theater and everyone comes out saying, “Oh my God. I was so scared. I was crying. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” and you get in there and after the first few predictable scares of the “ Oh, no, not an open window and in jumps the cat” variety, you’re wondering if you paid your cell phone bill this month and that you really should have gotten Twizzlers because Snowcaps just really aren’t as fun.

Indie Picks of the Week

Trust

The reviews are still a bit middle of the road for this one, but steadily climbing.

When Annie, a 14-year old girl is seduced by a 41 year-old internet predator she knows only as “Charlie” it tears apart her family. While her father becomes obsessed with revenge fantasies, Annie enters therapy, where she refuses to admit she’s been victimized.

What you can expect: A newer take on a well-traveled road. The story is still relevant since our collective interconnectedness has increased with the advent of social networking sites, but the genre may be a bit overworked as of late. This is David Schwimmer’s of Friends fame sophomore directing effort. Clive Owen has been fairly quiet in the last couple of years, and it’s interesting seeing him play the family man as opposed to the sexy lead. This may mark the evolution of his career, or potentially the continued stalling if the movie doesn’t capture an audience in the same way some of his earlier indie efforts were able to achieve.

What could annoy: The well-treaded cyber stalker trope. We’ve seen this done before and done differently and probably better by other actors. Ellen Page in Hard Candy comes to mind. Every once in a while we get these teen girls as victims movies, and it’s possible we as the audience are less impressed with this story than Hollywood would like to admit. If you’re a fan of Law & Order: SVU this may not be altogether new territory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZXV-GLoLJc

Super

A lot less super than what they were hoping for.

When sad-sack loser Frank (Rainn Wilson) sees his ex-addict wife (Liv Tyler) willingly snatched by a seductive drug dealer (Kevin Bacon), he finds himself bereft and wholly unable to cope. But soon he decides to fight back under the guise of a DIY superhero called Crimson Bolt. With a hand-made suit, a wrench, and a crazed sidekick named Boltie (Ellen Page), the Crimson Bolt beats his way through the mean streets of crime in hopes of saving his wife.

What you can expect: Rainn Wilson taking on the sad schlubby role! Well, we always knew he had it in him. And his character on The Office is practically some sort of idiot savant superhero as it is, so this is an easy transformation. It’s nice to see Liv Tyler in something again. She was sort of an indie darling, something about her just not lending itself to many mainstream movies, other than the occasional elf, or Ben Affleck love interest, and I’m happy to see her still in this genre. Ellen Page another indie maven makes an appearance here apparently picking up with Wilson where her Juno character left off. All in all it looks to be a dark comedy held together with a more than apt cast. And yes, the Bacon’s in it.

What could annoy: Rainn Wilson. He’s an odd ball and he’s quirky, yes. His delivery in the film seems to be a bit of a one note, and possibly a bit whiny, which can sometimes eek out a bit too much in his The Office performances as well. Staying close to this comfortable realm may not be the worst thing in the world, but it appears that he still has a ways to go to be on the same footing as Ed Helms, another Office alum who’s recently transitioned into movies, and has largely won appeal for his efforts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eL57ncw2jr8

Here Is How Hollywood Is Going to Ruin Movies Again

This week is chock full of uncomfortable touching, killer doll denial, dudes who grow up, skulls and bones forever, a Goodfella’s sofa change, and dueling hair follicles.

It’s a strip mall Karate party.

Recalling the Past: You know how we were all like “oohhh, ahhhh” about that airport scene in Total Recall with all that cool X-Ray technology? Oh, ho! Now we’re all like “No skinless radioactivity, please, and TSA stop touching my nethers with your magic molest wands!” That’s right. Here in the future we‘d like you to avert your eyes while you feel us up and check for bombs in our footwear. Never thought that would happen. Nope, no sir. Total Recall was the pinnacle of technological advancement, yup virtual reality, robotic masks, and chicks with multiple mammaries. How exactly could they top this? Well, apparently Colin Farrell and Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston will attempt to figure out a way in a remake of Governor Conan’s 1990 hit, Total Reboot, or Total Revisit, or Total Revomit. Whatever.

Murdering Money Dolls: Reports came out this week that the “Money Greed Money” studio or MGM as it’s known to its friends, has denied rumors that it will be remaking the Child’s Play franchise starring homicidal pervy doll Chucky. Spectacular. Want to know why this doesn’t matter? Because they’re the studio responsible for rebooting Robocop, Poltergeist, and Mr. Mom, which effectively makes MGM the worst movie studio in the world. Seriously. If you’re emphatically denying rumors that the “crap at the bottom of the 1980’s movie barrel” i.e. Child’s Play, is beneath you, but you believe the world is clamoring for another Mr. Mom, than your priorities are so out of whack that most anything could seem like fodder for a film. Do you know what’s missing from the ever present cycle of remakes? Movies about monkeys. There are just not enough movie remakes that star monkeys. This is a fact. I think somebody better get on rebooting Every Which Way but Loose, or Monkey Shines. There’s a whole genre out there left undiscovered.

Bieber and Kutcher Get Big: I’d like to know when it was that Ashton Kutcher could just go into any movie studio and say, “I’m making movies, brodude!” and like a fecal miracle there would indeed appear a movie? Is this a new thing or unbeknownst to the rest of the world he’s always had this ability? If so, that’s just too much power for a Calvin Klein model to have. It’s a very scary thought. Just imagine Kutcher eating Lucky Charms and all of a sudden, “I’d like to be in a movie now, please” and there he is waving a leprechaun’s Shillelagh Stick. Supernatural. So obviously like some sort of movie-kryptonite vampire, Kutcher has sired the same result for girl-haired Justin Bieber. They’re teaming up for What Would Kenny Do a movie about a teen who meets a hologram that claims to be him as an adult. We assume Kutcher is the adult. Sounds awesome. Will Smith’s production company is developing the project. Sounds awesomer. Have we discussed the weirdness that is Will Smith’s family’s connection to Justin Bieber?

We’ve Had Enough of Your Booty: Can Jerry Bruckheimer’s pirate ship ever be stopped? Not while he and Johnny Depp are alive! Brucks and Depps are planning more Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Just more and more until that’s all that’s left in the world, Pirates of the Caribbean movies and olives. A fifth one of these things is being planned before the fourth installment has even opened in theaters! What the hell are these things even called now? Pirates of the Caribbean: Get Me My Reading Glasses or Pirates of the Caribbean: Is it Yesterday? There’s already a screenplay! The movies are now all about Captain Sparrow’s Slurred Speech! They’ve just decided that all those other flimsy characters, you know swashbuckling Legolas and damsel distressing Knightly are just filler. It’s really all about an alcoholic, plundering pirate and the people who keep plunking down their doubloons to see him get chased by things on land or sea. Fantastic. Arrrrrrr.

Meet The Fiddy: Somewhere I imagine Joe Pesci is quite amused. Veteran actor and beloved scary guy, Robert De Niro is teaming up again with Veteran Vitamin Water sponsor and beloved gun shot victim Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson for Freelancers, a movie about the son of a murdered cop who enrolls in the police force. The movie will be produced by Fiddy’s production company, Cheetah Vision, and hopes to costar Forrest Whitaker who must also have nothing else to do on a Saturday. The movie starring two Oscar winners and Kanye West’s nemesis will be directed by Jess Terrero, director of Soul Plane. I really have no further jokes about this.

Hair-Off the Movie: The wigs of both John Travolta and Nicholas Cage will enter into yet another epic battle for the ages. There will be kung fu and spirit gum, jujitsu and viciously crafted widows peaks. Or they could just mash their bald heads together and sing songs from Grease. Anyway, the two hair wizards may be reuniting for two indie thrillers. Oh, yes — Travolta/Cage thrillers. Cue various frowning pauses, and looks of confusion and defiance that say everything and nothing, but mostly that they hope there are tacos for lunch. The ominously named, Shrapnel is about a former Bosnian soldier who seeks vengeance against the American who badly wounded him, and Sea Trial is based on the novel by Frank De Felitta. Hair-Off will be developed by me, because their follicular choices always play the lead in their movies anyway and should be turned into a reality show.

Casting News:

Amy Adams, the fairytale singing bruiser chick from Bahs-ton, will be lifted off her feet as Lois Lane in the Superman Reboot
Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit’s fresh face with the tart tongue, will be Sleeping Beauty in a reimagining of the classic tale
Bill Murray, Ghostbusters sequel denier and all around weird guy, will play FDR in a film adaptation of a British radio play
Armie Hammer, Facebook impresario and kitchen refrigerator deodorizer, joins The Brother’s Grimm: Snow White
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, hot off his gravity defying antics in Inception The Boring, will be Alberto Falcone, nee’ the Holiday Killer in The Dark Knight Rises
C. Thomas Howell, The Hitcher’s Mister, will be The Lizard, the main villain in the Amazing Spider-Man
Taylor Swift, Jake Gyllenhaal’s former bearded concubine, will voice one of voices in The Lorax — assuredly to our utter annoyance
Jodie Foster, who hasn’t made Contact in a while, will do so as director in another Sci-Fi project
Julianne Moore and Jeff Bridges of Madison County, will get all warlocky and witchy in The Seventh Son
And Kiefer Sutherland still thinks we care about 24, so he’s adamant a movie version will happen by 2012, even if he has to get all Jack Bauer on somebody. BOO-YA!

So much to look forward to, right? Well, so much to mock as much as possible. Really, what were these people thinking? Kutcher is the adult here, so we’ll be okay, he’s magic.

[Rotten Tomatoes Movie News]

Mad Men: Say Goodbye to Your Favorite Cast Member?

What’s worse than hearing that one of your favorite shows is delayed for a year because of money squabbles between the “suits” that run the studio, the show creator, and the network? Well, how about the mind-boggling reasons behind the squabbles. It’s one thing to think the cause is some amorphous, “We think the show is great, now we want to figure out who gets what cut of the profit” reason. We expect this kind of behind-the-scenes dealings. And we’re willing to put up with it, since we know Hollywood is a grubby little greed-field full of hungry muskrats. But when the reasons bleed into the integrity of the show…well, that’s a whole other bag of bad.

Reports reveal that the continuing standoff between show creator Matt Weiner, AMC, and Lionsgate Television, is centered on a few main points. AMC/Lionsgate is asking for: integrating more product placement into the series, cutting 2 minutes from each episode’s running time in favor of more commercials and eliminating/reducing two regular cast members to save money. To which Weiner has basically said, “That’s some crazy shit that I’ll never agree to.” Considering what’s on the table if the deal goes through, this is an interesting position to take. He stands to make $30 million over two years and become the highest-paid showrunner on basic cable. Is he really this altruistic? Is he really putting the integrity of the show above his own desires for economic success? Well, for now it would seem that way.

And it’s not any wonder. We can tell that the show is a labor of love for Weiner. Granted the series is expensive to produce and the ratings still wouldn’t classify the show as a bonafide hit in the sense that Two and a Half Men is a bonafide hit (And I say this to make a point. Watch Mad Men folks). Invariably, the show struggles every season. But, the reason why it’s critically acclaimed and an award-winning program is the authenticity, the keen attention to detail, and the well-crafted artistic vision and workmanship Weiner has strived for. He knows that he has something worth its salt, and selling it out for cheap…well, that’s not in the cards for him at this moment. But it does make one wonder what AMC is thinking about their flagship series.

“This is their storied franchise, and they want it shorter and cheaper, with fewer actors and more product integration,” an insider said. “The negotiations are about to collapse as a result.”

Reps claim the negotiations are still underway, and Tuesday, in a bold move, AMC announced that the fifth season is slated to premiere in March of 2012 despite not having a deal with Weiner. This would be a clear deviation from the approach taken two years ago when similar negotiations occurred. AMC wanted 2 minutes of extra commercial load for the show. The two sides were able to reach a compromise and agreed to let the episodes run into the 11 PM hour so ad time could be added without having to shorten the scripts, but it looks bleak that a similar situation will unfold without some flexibility from the networks. This new deal would basically rescind the former arrangement, but would still leave Mad Men‘s running time 90% longer than most other basic cable shows. Which begs the question if basic cable is really the right place for a show like Mad Men, a show that has a sweeping storyline and relies heavily on the subtle evolving of its characters and their environment.

Personally, as a fan, I’d take two more minutes of commercials instead of haggling over more product placement, since in my opinion products can be worked into the show more seamlessly, so why negotiate? The whole fooking show is about advertising! The idea that the studio wants more advertising on a show about advertising when they do nothing but product placement in most every episode is just too meta for comprehension. What do they think stories that center around ads for Samsonite, London Fog, Honda, or Utz are? But the idea of cutting out beloved characters sounds ludicrous and empirically asinine. Who would they get rid of? Well, obviously Betty can go for a long walk off a short pier, but other than scowl-face, who else would we be willing to lose for the sake of saving a few bucks and making this show into a shilling pile of jokes between just Don and Roger like some sort of Martin and Lewis routine, eh? Yeah, I’m thinking what you’ll lose is the entire viewing audience.

Reports as of last night indicate that AMC may be walking back some of those original statements about cutting characters.

“They’re not asking Matt Weiner to change the show’s DNA, and they are not asking him to fire or cut two actors. That was part of a list of suggestions that they gave to him or to his people to monitor the budget on the show.”

Addressing the question of product integration, the source said, “[Product] integrations have been happening from season one. It’s not additional product placement, it’s basically being able to talk about the product placement in the show, it’s an issue of transparency about the product placement that has gone on since season one, so their partners can talk about it.”

However, Weiner’s camp maintains that AMC has indeed put cutting talent on the table.

Matthew Weiner told The Huffington Post that the issues of actor cuts, episode time cut and product integration were not merely suggestions, as indicated by a previous source, but instead were definite AMC demands.

“The casting is a hard and fast thing,” the source said. “They’re not making a suggestion, that’s not how these things work, that you cut your budget after you cut your deal. They said cut $1.5 million in cash expenses per year, which is the equivalent of two actors. They give you a number they want you to hit, and you have to hit it.”

The source added that the budget cut each year would require cutting two actors every year for three years, and not bit players. “Series regulars,” was how the source described the type of role that would have to be cut.

Apparently life is imitating art. Can’t you just see Campbell, Cosgrove, and Harry Crane, looking furtively at Don’s closed door hoping they don’t get called in? And since AMC has utilized their option with Lionsgate they’ve intimated that they can move forward with season 5 with or without Weiner…and that would be horrible. What would Mad Men then become? [Insert awful NBC show here.]

I just don’t know. Who do you believe? Hey, Weiner, maybe you better start answering some email from HBO!

[Top image via AMC]

Hollywood’s Best Laid Plans: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

Hollywood has some truly terrible things in store for us. There’s really not a whole lot to say. Brendan, take it away…

Brendan Fraser’s Goof-Clap Looks Better Than This Movie: The Mummy star will be in a fish-heist movie. We can’t even begin to imagine what a fish heist movie is. Stealing fish? Hijacking fish? Fish stealing jewelry? Will he be a fish in this movie? Will the fish be him in this movie? So many questions. We imagine once you’ve done Furry Vengeance there’s no going back. None at all. It’s great that he’s embracing his achievements. We’re not even going to elaborate about this thing except to say that there’s fish, gangsters, and it’s going to be called Whole Lotta Sole. ’Nuff said? Yes, for forever.

Daring You to Hate it Again: The Daredevil reboot is coming. Yes! Ha! That’s hilarious. What the hell is Billy Zane doing right now, because The Phantom should be rebooted too! It should be a double feature. When you go to the theater you should get an ant farm or some other awful thing for coming to see these two reboots together. We just think that no other inspired filming could happen. Director David Slade of 30 Days of Night and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse has signed on to helm this fantastic voyage into the recent past. Awesome. We’ll just forget the first movie ever happened. No, no we won’t .

You Need a Director, Bub: Darren Aronofsky, director of Stupid Dancing Swan Bird, has called it quits on another film. Last week we reported that he dropped out of Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal, because the reboot of this movie is just as useful to the viewing public as say a Weekend at Bernie’s prequel. So, in an epic move to shun all ridiculous crap, Aronofsky has decided he has better things to do than watch Hugh Jackman comb his sideburns in The Wolverine remake, mostly like bide his time until another Oscar worthy script lands in his lap. Are we all that interested in Wolverine? Who are these people who desperately need to see Hugh Jackman smoking a cigar, wearing leather, and growling like a bear? Oh.

I’m Sure Jolie Doesn’t Care: So they’re rebooting Tomb Raider. Yep, that movie that was out a few years ago starring Angelina Jolie’s horrible British accent will get a reboot. The only reason we can fathom is because Jolie is now in her thirties, and is no longer a young ingénue. According to the studio, GK films, the goal is to “create daring new adventures for the young and dynamic Lara Croft.” So as mentioned, we’re sure Jolie doesn’t care, but seriously way to be dicks, GK.

American Sigh: Universal Pictures is making a fourth American Pie movie. Well, it was just a matter of time wasn’t it? No, no not at all! There’s really no excuse for this. How many of these ever need to be made? We understand Jason Biggs is probably sitting in his condo not totally sure where he went wrong. Somewhere between smushing a pie and landing in that atrocious Kevin Smith movie with the Affleck and the J.Lo., which would be enough to make anyone question their destiny, but for that to manifest itself in another American Pie movie just seems like the work of Direct-to-DVD Gods who’ve been gifted one shot at a feature film, and yes, this is what they chose to go with…blowing a trombone out its ass and gluing its hand to their nethers. Brilliant.

Baywatch Movie Currently Only Living in Ivan Reitman’s Head: And hopefully it won’t leak out, run for the door, and find its way to a studio. Reitman sounds pretty emphatic about what a full length film about boobadocious lifeguards, and the men who suck in their stomachs running beside them, will be. This mostly sounds like an idea dreamt up after a poker game full of hoagies and stogies in an unfinished basement in Cleveland. This does not sound like the idea of a prolific filmmaker who’s serious about his movie projects. We wish him luck with that whole Ghostbusters thing and getting Bill Murray to strap on a proton pack again, but let’s leave the Baywatch film to the American Pie folks, ‘kay? Focus, Reitman.

LaBeouf Gets a Little Horny: The stuttering Monchichi despite anyone watching the first two Transformers movies has landed the title role in an adaptation of Joe Hill’s novel Horns. He’ll play a twenty-something who wakes up after an all night bender with horns growing out of his head. People will feel compelled to tell him their darkest secrets, he’ll act erratically, and then his girlfriend is murdered. Guess who’s the prime suspect? Yep, ole “No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no,” Shia. He’ll be hunted. Certainly. Well, if not for this than definitely for signing on to play a small hairy monkey-man named Chaka in Michael Bay’s claymation psychedelic comedy Transformers and the Space Sleestacks.

Casting News:

The Hunger Games gets an Oscar nominee. Jennifer Lawrence fresh off her gripping turn in last year’s Winter’s Bone has landed the lead role in The Hunger Games. She’ll play Katniss, the girl who joins a survival contest to save her community. Lawrence was the clear frontrunner beating out Hailee Steinfeld and Abigail Breslin for the role.

Hot-loins Tom Hardy will star in the new Mad Max: Fury Road movie. Filming isn’t set to begin until January 2012. The project starring Hardy and Charlize Theron (Where has this chick been?) has been delayed, but for Hardy we’re willing to wait.

Drew Barrymore will take on her second directorial project with an adaptation of Liz Tuccillo’s novel How to Be Single. The romantic comedy will most likely be filmed in the same vain as He’s Just Not That Into You, a movie we didn’t really like, and really don’t need to see again in any format, but eh, we like Drew Barrymore and Whip It was pretty cute.

Brie Larson who plays Toni Collette’s rebellious daughter on The United States of Tara has landed the role of Molly in Sony Picture’s 21 Jump Street movie. Jonah Hill, Channing Chips N Dip’ems Tatum, and Ice Cube will also star.

Another week chock full of people doing awful things. We need Tom Hardy to save us. He will save us, right? Mel Gibson’s poltergeist of a career won’t stop him will it? We’ll need Jodie Foster in a proton pack.

Opening Weekend: We Come in Peace

Aliens are not done with us yet. This boggles the mind since I can’t imagine what they’re up there thinking about us. Well, possibly that they need to come and collect Charlie Sheen because he’s just an embarrassment to their entire race, and maybe given the infantile joy myself and others get out of ABC’s Wipeout, that we probably aren’t potty-trained, but nonetheless, something about us is still interesting to the spaceman. Marvin and his fellow Martians don’t give us enough credit. In a fight we’d hold our own (Unity!), and then we’d become enslaved (Defeat!), but jokes on them because they’d find out that eating us would be counterproductive since we’re loud and mostly chewy. Right? Right. Viva La Rebellion.

Battle: Los Angeles

Well, this was a quick death. The reviews are abysmal.

For years, there have been documented cases of UFO sightings around the world – Buenos Aires, Seoul, France, Germany, China. But in 2011, what were once just sightings will become a terrifying reality when Earth is attacked by unknown forces. As people everywhere watch the world’s great cities fall, Los Angeles becomes the last stand for mankind in a battle no one expected. It’s up to a Marine staff sergeant (Aaron Eckhart) and his new platoon to draw a line in the sand as they take on an enemy unlike any they’ve ever encountered before.

What you can expect: Aliens! Aliens Invading! Military types will try to save humanity from an alien attack. Probably lots of desperate scenes with people leaving families, losing loved ones, the expected amount of shock, horror, and perseverance that coincide with movies of this type. It’s a familiar trek. Aliens come, people freak out, it becomes obvious that they want the planet to become a scorched hole, we fight, etc. etc. There’s Aaron Eckhart as the plucky hero. Michelle Rodriguez (Lt. Vasquez, always) donning military gear per usual. All that’s missing from the trailer is the scientist/academic/crazy basement lair person who knew this was coming because he or she read the microwave frequency in a glass of water or something.

What could annoy: While the trailer was pretty good, and it struck just the right tone of humanity coupled with the threat of extinction — we’ve seen this before, no? The last decade or so have been full of the Alien Attack movies in earnest have they not? Regardless, we as the movie-going public still get excited by the prospect of a good alien movie, but we may be starting to tire of this particular tread. It’s probably time for a new twist on this old genre. Also, a brief word about Shaky Cam can we just retire this please? Yes, yes, we get it. You want DOCUMENTARY STYLE FILMMAKING but really, it’s just annoying and sick-making, and no one leaves a theater saying, “You know that movie was great, but there just wasn’t enough shaky cam.” See? We don’t think it adds anything. So, you know, stop.

Mars Needs Moms:

And apparently a better movie. So far the reviews are out of this world and circling the drain.

Take out the trash, eat your broccoli-who needs moms, anyway? Nine-year-old Milo (Seth Green) finds out just how much he needs his mom (Joan Cusack) when she’s nabbed by Martians who plan to steal her mom-ness for their own young. With the help of a tech-savvy, underground earthman named Gribble (Dan Fogler) and a rebel Martian girl called Ki (Elisabeth Harnois), Milo just might find his way back to his mom-in more ways than one.

What you can expect: Kid-fare, light and easy. Possibly set out to be a slightly message-y movie about not taking moms for granted. It’s high on adventure and kids being sassy and goofy. The producing team are veterans at churning out these little tales. It probably doesn’t bring anything altogether new to the story aspect of films of this ilk, meaning no great emotional moments. It’s just more of the “Kids like Aliens too” ideal that goes along with the recent releases of Megamind and Monsters vs. Aliens.

What could annoy: The fact that this little movie is showing in 3-D and in IMAX theaters. It doesn’t seem like something that should get so much technology. Perhaps this is a test run for other bigger Disney movies with which they really want to play with all those new-fangled 3-D ideas? While I love Joan Cusack, the pairing of her as the mom and Seth Green as the son is a little strange, right? They’re twelve years apart. I’m not sure how that works, but okay.

Red Riding Hood:

Well, yeah, those reviews say something — something bad.

Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) is a beautiful young woman torn between two men. She is in love with a brooding outsider Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), but her parents have arranged for her to marry the wealthy Henry (Max Irons). Unwilling to lose each other, Valerie and Peter are planning to run away together when they learn that Valerie’s older sister has been killed. As the death toll rises, Valerie begins to suspect the killer could be someone she loves. Panic grips the town as Valerie discovers that she has a unique connection to the killer-one that inexorably draws them together, making her both suspect…and bait.

What you can expect: Twilight starring Amanda Seyfried. That’s mostly it. This is classified as horror. Hmm, okay, well I guess. The trailer goes for a lot of visual fluff. Lots of stark red images against the palest of backdrops, even Seyfried is a pale backdrop. It looks like a juiced up teen romp and that’s probably what it’ll deliver. There’s a lot of “pause for dramatic effect” scenes in the trailer. We’re supposed to be drawn into the suspense of the whole who is the wolf thing, but this didn’t work so well for last year’s The Wolfman remake or M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village, which this seems vaguely reminiscent of.

What could annoy: The Twilight trope. We’ve seen it. And frankly the next Twilight installment with a new director seems like a better bet in this genre than this watered down version. Amanda Seyfried could annoy if you don’t like her particularly. She has come a long way from using her boobs as a weather vane in Mean Girls, but is she really ready to be the opening draw for a movie all her own? We’ll see. Mostly it looks like the movie is planning to get by with pretty people with smoldering glances. Okay. And Gary Oldman, just what are you doing in this thing?

Indie Pick of the Week:

Certified Copy:

This one is getting rave reviews. Naturally.

Juliette Binoche won the Best Actress prize in Cannes for her performance in this playful and provocative romantic drama. Binoche plays a gallery owner living in a Tuscan village who attends a lecture by a British author (opera star William Shimell) on authenticity and fakery in art. Afterward, she invites him on a tour of the countryside, during which he is mistaken for her husband. They keep up the pretense and continue on their afternoon out, discussing love, life and art, and increasingly behaving like a long-married couple. But are they play-acting on a whim, or is there more to their seemingly new relationship than meets the eye?

What you can expect: A lush locale and Juliette Binoche…’nuff said? Yes. It looks like a blissful little jaunt into Tuscany and some interesting discussions about life and love to boot. There looks to be some circumstances that lend themselves to clandestine meetings and how to navigate attraction and passion. The one-on-one interaction and chemistry is what is at the heart of this movie. Binoche doesn’t appear to be the same colorful free spirit that she once was in Chocolat, but even as a pedestrian in a new situation she still brings depth and humor to the screen.

What could annoy: Too much Tuscany? Too much Binoche doing that Binoche-y thing she does…which is awesome. Perhaps for some. If you don’t like the dissection of a relationship then the face-to-face characterization of one seen here may not be to your liking.

Here’s a link to the trailer just in case you missed it:

Certified Copy

Hollywood Heartbreak: Forever Channing

Is he the muse of our generation? Likely. We just can’t get enough of this dancing shagstick.

It must be his superb gift for catapulting us out of reality with his dearth of acting prowess. Literally we just don’t know where we are when we watch him scintillate on the big screen. We think babies weep with profound joy at his mere utterances. I’m sure they do. I’ve seen it. Babies just stop what they’re doing and are completely mesmerized by the ethereal tones spoken by this glowing beacon of a Messiah, and softly they weep. They know they’ll never match the glorious theocracy of the chosen McTatum Jesuspants. I know I won’t, ever.

The following is what he’ll bring to the masses, soon children…soon.

Pan: Oh, holy bulging tights! The Channing’s meat roll will be covered in nylon and flying through the air like a zip line of sex hurtling across the cosmos! Would we like that? Well, shamefully, yes. Of course we would. Who wouldn’t want a sky full of Channing dong? No, seriously. Okay. The Tasty Tatum Tater, screenwriter Billy Ray, and producer Joe Roth have pitched Pan, an origin story from J.M. Barrie’s classic character of Peter Pan, to Hollywood studios. Apparently the story has entered into the public domain, so that means it’s open season for all thrustdimples with barely an acting résumé to try and stuff the story into their overfilled jockey shorts and play matchmaker with a studio. The Roth guy is currently producing Oz, The Great and Powerful for Disney and Snow White and the Huntsman for Universal. Billy Ray Cyrus Writer-Person has adapted popular Suzanne Collins YA novel The Hunger Games. So their interest in yet another fantasy story to mash with their money fists is not surprising. The “WTF nugget” is Channing Tatum. Is he hoping to star in this remake? Produce? Rub the contract on his loins? I dunno. I guess we’ll find out.

G.I. Joe: 2: Paramount Pictures is a silly place with silly ideas. Weren’t we all on the same page in our collective obese hatred of G.I. Joe: I Can Make Robot Noises With My Mouth? I thought this was understood. You thought so too, right? Well, somebody didn’t wake up the Paramount execs when this was screened so obviously they’re under the impression that we thought the first one of these things was like Shakespeare covered in cheesecake or something. Filming this fall is Channing Steak Tartare Meatgiggles and a returning Wayans Brother possibly Marlon (the Wayans brother is unconfirmed). However, director Stephen Sommers is out — because he’d like not to have his name attached to another steaming pile of monkey dung. Jon Chu director of Step Up 2: The Streets, Step Up 3D and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never is stepping in. So, dancing and warbling like a stray cat on a fence while making robot noises with their mouths, then? In the aftermath of Paramount announcing Chu as Sommers’ replacement, some voracious twittering happened by Rachel Nichols (Um, yeah, I don’t know who that is) who played Scarlett in the first film (Oh, her! Really, who is she?) who says adamantly that only Tatum GrindThighs and two other dudes who played Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow (By Mattel) will return. Tough words from a chick who no one remembers! She’ll be back.

Robocop Remake Gets A Brazilian: First of all, have you guys seen Peter Weller lately? Yoikes. He looks like he fell into a whiskey bottle trapped under a leather couch and just emerged as a fusion of the two. Not good. Anyway they’re moving forward with this movie about police-borgs, or Picard-cops, or robot-Romulans. Darren Aronofsky, director of stupid Natalie Portman birds, and Hugh Jackman’s boyfriend named Wolverine, is out. I assume because MGM was having buttloads of financial trouble, and because he was just nominated for a fooking Oscar. You can’t almost win a fooking Oscar and then go direct Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal. So in comes Brazilian director Jose Padilha who very few people have heard of. Now that that’s settled all they need is a screenwriter. You mean Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal can’t write itself? I would think robot with guns kills bad guys and then says unfunny robotic quip about breaking the law and breaking skulls or some such drivel. No? Okay. Fans of the Robocop movies are not happy about this turn of events. Fans of the Robocop movies need to find more girls to talk to.

Percy Jackson Will Moonwalk: So the youngest member of the Jackson family will get a sequel to Disney’s 3-D action movie Captain EO. Prepare for Epcot to be Sold. Out. Wait. No. Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief that little fantasy movie about Gods with magic penlights and men with goat feet will get a sequel called Something and a Sea of Monsters. Percy will have to save his little satyr friend, i.e. man with the goat legs, from a Cyclops while also attempting to find the Golden Fleece. So mythical and multitask-oriented is that Percy Jermaine Jackson. The screenwriting team of Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, Agent Cody Banks, That Darn Cat, Ed Wood and The People Vs Larry Flynt, will make sure Percy gets his Potter on (That Darn Cat!). Most of the cast will be back, because what is there to do — go see the sequels of every other teen fantasy movie coming out this year like Harry Potter: Death to Smoochy, and Twilight: Pulsing Uteri. Plan for this to hit your theater around 2013 or so. You have a couple years to find out what a satyr is and all about that Golden Fleece if you care, or you can just wait to watch this thing celebrate ancient polytheism and a whoring Zeus with all his half-god bastards — six of one.

Blade Runner Last of the Mohicans: So it comes down to this, eh? Most every Sci-Fi film from the 1980’s is already slated for destruction so why not Blade Runner? Alcon Entertainment (The Blind Side, The Book of Eli) and Warner Bros. have secured the film and television rights to produce prequels and sequels to this. We all hope if they’re gonna do it, that it’s a movie sequel/prequel because we’ve already seen Buck Rogers and we don’t want to go back there again no matter how many Twiggies you seduce us with, and mostly because NBC will fuck that shit up. The i09 guys got some sort of exclusive with the producers that told us absolutely nothing about what this will be! Except that there will still be Replicants! Goody! I guess. Whatever. Leave it alone. They discussed the lore and all that, but mostly we’re just excited for Cowboys and Aliens. This is how we’ll get our Harrison Ford fix.

Casting News:

Looks like King Aragorn from that movie with all the slow walking trees may join the rebooted Superman reboot. He may be cast as General Zod (Kneel!). We’re not sure how we feel about Viggo in a black jumpsuit, though. Could be sexy. Could look like he’s got tacos wrapped up in a chest sling. We’ll wait for the first stills.

That’s it. Channing wants to Sex U Up. Robocop is stupid. The name Percy sounds like a miniature schnauzer. The Blade Runner prequel/sequel death march will send us screaming into a fetal position, and we’re not sure Viggo in a jumpsuit will make us lustful or bloated. We need a Tums.

* All references to our savior Channing Tatum are dedicated to Richard Lawson.

Hollywood Heartbreak: You Again?!

Great. The Oscars are over. The uninspiring, extremely predicable, “every movie everyone said was going to win…did!” big award show is done. So after all the pomp and circumstance with Melissa Leo’s totally affected wacky-for-wacky sake acceptance speech, Portman’s unsurprised reaction, and Colin’s barely registering stone-faced joy, do you feel any better today about movies than you did a year ago having witnessed Hollywood’s big night? I didn’t think so.

We’re currently 60 days into the New Year, and Justin Bieber’s movie Never Say Never is among the best reviewed movies of 2011 so far. Blitzkrieg by the Bieb! I’d like to say that if this is the best Hollywood can do, why even try? But honestly, you can’t blame the Biebs. His movie success is just the result of what seems like the laziest time in cinema history, ever. So much so, Nick Cage snuck in last week with a movie about a baby, a lady, and driving crazy, and it barely caused the gag reflex to flare. Seriously. It’s gotten to the point where Nick Cage can do that thing, with that thing on his head, and that permanent confused scowl on his face, and we shrug our shoulders because there are like fifteen similarly bad movies currently onscreen right now. There’s no reason to single out Nick Cage. And if you can’t single out Nick Cage then we’re mostly doomed. Don’t believe me? Take a gander at the current box office numbers.

But assigning blame is hard. Is it the movie execs? Are they so obtuse that they just assume, “Ha-ha, Nick Cage and Adam Sandler, the two top movie stars of all time, THEY ARE AUTOMATIC GREENLIGHT MATERIAL!” Yes, I think that’s it, because apparently they believe what we need is the following:

Die Hard 5: 20th Century Fox is going ahead with this idea, because Bruce Willis still thinks we care about Hudson Hawk! No, really, why is he doing this? We’ll never know. It appears once you say “Yippee-Kay-Ay Motherfucker!” once or twice, the need arises to say it again periodically like the need to change an air filter or something. I just imagine Bruce sitting at home and in the distance some alarm goes off that lets him know that he must say those exact words or a man will lose a hand inside a painting, or a zombie Hans Gruber will come back looking for a mustache trimmer, and a bleary-eyed Willis, hopped up on pudding and grabbing for his Rockports, will just start screaming,”Yippee-Kay-Ay Motherfucker!” Yippee-Kay-Ay!” Yes? Yes. But, what we really need to ask ourselves is what youngish star will debase himself as the comedic element in this well-worn shoe heel? Because you can’t just have a frantic Willis trying to stop terrorists by himself. Some twitchy nerd has to forget the important key codes while the Willis gargle-talks about something not happening on his watch. And just in case you weren’t sure of the direction of this film, Skip Woods writer of Swordfish and Hitman, and who also co-wrote The A-Team and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, will be on board as writer here…so basically it will be hot garbage.

Firestarter: Since they’re running out of Science-Fiction movies from the 1980’s to remake, Firestarter is next up. And just why not? We haven’t been quite inundated with supernatural kids yet, right? Oh, wait, there’s going to be a whole X-Men thing happening pretty soon won’t it? Then there’s some sort of Sucker Punch movie, and that awful thing about being Number Four. Okay, well, nevermind. Onward Hollywood! Kids with the powerrrrsss are next in line to be destroyed with suck! Seriously, though, this was a great little film starring an enigmatic eight year-old Drew Barrymore as the pyrokinetic Charley, and David Keith as her mutant nose-bleed father. I pretty much like it as is. But Universal says they’re developing this remake to take advantage of “recent visual effects advances” so that the “main character [will] be reinvented with a little more edge.” I’m guessing the original didn’t have enough computer generated explosions, or 3D lead spikes flying out of the screen. So now I assume (Elle Fanning?) can make all the cars go boom in an edgy way, whatever that means, because well, Dakota is just too old to be a fire-wielding cherub since she’s a red-eyed, sparkly-faced, vampire gnome person, and 2D is for unevolved Old Gawker peasants. Obviously Universal has hired Nick Denton as their creative director.

Soapdish: Well, here’s an idea! No, this is not an idea. I really can’t fathom a reason why someone would want to remake Soapdish. It was a mostly meh kind of zone-out movie to start with. Set in the early 1990’s, and starring a very shrill Sally Field, a between benders Robert Downey Jr., and Whoopi Goldberg just because. Mostly this thing was like a strip-mall movie! Something you go to see on a Sunday when you’re done your yearly shopping at Sears for new underwear. And really, why now? Are there even any soap operas left on television? (Yes, yes, I can hear James Franco yelling some stoner-garble from the NYU rafters.) So I guess the decline of the soap opera as opera could be a premise for this silly reboot, but I just don’t think many of us need another slapstick film that seems like a perfect vehicle for Kevin James. Soapdish will be written by actor-turned-writer Ben Schwartz, responsible for several episodes of Robot Chicken and who also won an Emmy in 2009 for writing Hugh Jackman’s Academy Awards monologue. Quite a résumé! No, really, James will need Bear Claws at the craft services table.

Choose Your Own Adventure: I loved these books, didn’t you? There was nothing better in grade school then reading one of these with a box of Nerds candy, right? They were super duper awesome! Now Hollywood thinks it’s ready for the big screen. Well, what! How will this even work? Is there a way for the viewing public to make decisions about movies while they’re watching them that I don’t know about? Well, hell, if that’s the case I would have said, “No, no, make Natalie Portman die sooner! What the hell is with that mattress? Let’s push that stupid dead swan bird off a fucking cliff!” So, yes, uh, I don’t think this technology is available yet. So that defeats the whole purpose, eh? How am I supposed to be interactive if there are no options? Well, new movie production company, Red Crown, believes that perhaps they can do it like the 1985 Comedy Clue, which based on the board game, gave each theater a different ending out of several possibilities. Um, okay. You know what, though? AL GORE HADN’T INVENTED THE INTERNET IN 1985! So I’m thinking that once all the endings are shown for the first time some dingus will hit up his fooozebooks account and say, “Wow, that was sweet! The pirate goes into the cave, finds the treasure, and then attempts to steal the princess, but he’s foiled by Gawain the bawdy hero, but not in the other three versions. The total opposite of that happens in the other versions, which I have seen and will tell you about, FIRST1111!!!!”

Yeah, so I dunno Red Crown, I see problems in the offing. And well, I think Tim Curry is probably too old to run around another old mansion telling four different stories. Producer Daniela Taplin Lundberg has signed on and judging from the success of her Golden Globe-winning movie The Kids Are All Right, I expect Choose Your Own Adventure (working title, I hope) to be a bit angsty but smirky and full of lesbians, so there’s that.

Hollywood Redemption?

Gypsy: So it’s rumored that La Streisand could come on board and play Mama Rose in a remake of Gypsy. Now, I don’t find this to be the worst idea in the world. While I don’t think anyone can top Rosalind Russell’s performance in the 1962 film, (If you have not seen this version you simply must, and while you’re at it, watch Russell in Auntie Mame…simply glorious.) I like Streisand when she’s being her musically comical self, not so much when she’s Fockering her Focker. I enjoyed her films back in the day, and think she’d do a formidable job as Rose. I have a feeling seeing Patti LuPone in the role could change my mind, but well for now that’s not the rumor. Sucks for Lupone, because I’m sure unlike the Producers, her turn onscreen could probably be a great thing for modern Broadway transforming into cinema.

However, the fly in this Gypsy ointment will probably be Lea Michele. There is no way on the whole of this planet that Lea Michele wouldn’t take the lives of fifteen goats and nine honey badgers to play Streisand’s striptease daughter Gypsy Rose Lee in this movie, and then we’ll be subjected to what could be the most saccharine, ear-splittingly over the top performance since Nathan Lane last appeared anywhere. And I’m not mentioning Burlesque as a similar medium unless it’s to say that Stanley Tucci would make a terrific Herbie in Gypsy, because he’s fantabulous.

Les Misérables: I adore this story. And the rumor mill is pounding with news that director Tom Hooper of The King’s Speech, would like to remake Les Misérables. Yes, yes, it’s been successful onstage and on film — the most recent film version — 1998’s offering starring Liam Neeson as Jean Valjean and Geoffrey Rush as Javert. Sure 1998 wasn’t all that long ago, but it’s a great story that could use updating if done well. They should erase the participation of Uma Thurman and Claire Danes (Just Ugh!) for instance, and draw the characters of Fantine and Cossette a bit better with a couple of the stellar up and coming actresses on the horizon right now — Michelle Williams, Jennifer Lawrence, you get the picture. That would be a solid improvement. And well, Neeson and Rush are large shoes to fill, but I’m guessing Christian Bale would give one of ’em a shot. Sigh.

Speaking of which, what has happened to Liam Neeson? Why is he now doing one word action thrillers? Taken! Unknown! This seems silly for an actor of his caliber. Leave this to Gerard Butler, he has nothing left to salvage. Nonetheless, I’m throwing my support behind Les Mis, unless they do something stupid and try and modernize it with Miley Cyrus and Channing Steakum Dancepants…then well, I’ll throw myself into La Seine. End scene.

Superman Rebooted Reboot News: Kevin Costner may be in this. Speculation lends itself to Costner playing Jonathan Kent, which I can see. He’s of the right age now, what with his ruddiness and gruff exterior, and he’s not really knocking ’em out of the ballpark like he once did movie wise, so Costner kinda needs a good anchoring, yet high profile role. Why not start with being the adopted daddy for the son of Jor-El? This is a good thing because I’m not sure we really wanted to know what new contraptions he’s built for his urine since the 1990’s. But hey, I guess he used it to help with the BP oil spill so there’s that and Dances with Wolves for forever! Go Costner!

That’s it for this week, kids! Mostly things still suck, but if you like old-timey things then there’s hope. If you don’t, well, Michael Bay is releasing a movie about fart-making robots, their stuttering Monchichi human companion, and any number of equally awful and irascible dumb things that explode and give you migraines! Go read a book.