Cannes Report: Seen and Heard at Mid-Fest

In addition to all the highly anticipated films premiering at Cannes this week, Hollywood is out in full-force, plugging films, doing interviews, — either making this all look easy, or baffling us with their red carpet, or as the French would say Croisette, statements. No matter where that carpet is rolled out, there’s sure to be glitz, glamor, and gossip.

Let’s see what news and appearances have taken Cannes by storm.

Blinding Us With Their Collective ‘Hotness’

Seems every time the Jolie-Pitts come to Cannes Angelina Jolie becomes a tiger and Brad Pitt goes back in time. Their supernatural beauty isn’t the only power they have. Obviously, they’re shapeshifters and time-travelers. We must burn them at the stake, for our own piece of mind, or perhaps we could just steal that dress. Swoon!

Here’s Mel Looking ‘Truck Stop In Albuquerque’ Chic

Is this why you come to the South of France? To chain-smoke and look like a boozy Sloppy Joe or some guy who needs to find repose after a harrowing experience with a toilet bowl? Well, you do, if you’re Mel Gibson. Get it together, Mel. No one wants to wonder about how many burritos you ate this afternoon. When asked how he managed to play someone so emotionally unstable in The Beaver, cheekily he said, “I faked it.” Jodie Foster then breathed a sigh of relief since we all assumed he would have said, “Oh, I hit a few pawless bunnies with my car.” Or called the interviewer “sugar tits” or insisted everyone MUST BLOW HIM! Or one of the other three-word variations he knows that follows his unmedicated fire-rants.

Alice Follows the Hair Down the Rabbit Hole

Petite Jessica Chastain, who plays the matriarch in Terrence Malick’s, The Tree of Life, says of her experience walking the Cannes red carpet, “I still haven’t fully understood what that experience was. I was kind of in panic mode. I know that I was shaking a lot, because I could feel my feet shaking. I was holding Brad and Sean’s hands—and thank God for them because there’s no way I could have done that by myself.” Er, yeah. I’m happy for her, but wondering if Sean and Brad understand their poor hair choices here? I’m thinking no. I’m thinking they’re like, “Our hair super rocks today. Right, Brad?” “Right, Sean. Tim Burton and David Carradine would be so proud.”

Lars von Trier Introduces ‘Springtime for Hitler’

Ever stick your foot in your mouth and have one of those, “Hey, dumbass. I shouldn’t have said that. Imagine, Christ, who says that crap I just said? Silly me. Stupid.” Well, I bet you didn’t think that after commenting about Nazis! Because you wouldn’t do that! Well, Lars von Trier, filmmaker of this weird as fergburger looking movie called Melancholia starring Kristen Dunst, went off on a weird tangent about 1) Porn (He said that’s the kind of movie he’s making next with Dunst), 2) Jews, and then started spraying verbal nonsense about 3) Nazis. (He said he used to think he was a Jew. Now he thinks he may be a Nazi. HA! ha! Right? RIGHT?) 4) He also says he understands Adolf Hitler. I wonder in what way? Genocide? Mustache grooming? Whatever. All this pile of monkey dung has now led the Festival to ban him. Lesson learned here: Don’t joke about Nazis.

The Face That Launched A Thousand Pirate Ships

Ah, Penelope Cruz. Don’t you just hate her? I imagine a wind machine just comes down from the heavens to strike the perfect balance of windblown and gorgeous. Sure, she’s some sort of mermaid in Pirates of the Caribbean: Sailing This Boat Until the Oceans Dry Up, but there’s no disputing timeless beauty. So, sail on, Penelope. Johnny Depp will need company since eternity on a pirate ship seems like a long time.

Peter ‘Not Fonda’ Obama

Peter Fonda. Who? An actor your dad knows. He was in Easy Rider back in 1969, and his sister had a bunch of workout video tapes in the 1980’s. Oh, okay. So while promoting The Big Fix which he co-produced, and discusses the explosion of the BP oil rig Deepwater Horizon, the ensuing spill and its consequences — he went on some tirade at Cannes this week about President Obama and BP Oil. Basically he emailed the White House and called Obama a “F*ck*ng traitor. You’re a traitor, you allowed foreign boots on our soil telling our military – in this case the coastguard – what they can and could not do, and telling us, the citizens of the United States, what we could or could not do’.” Um, okay. I get what you’re saying. Sure, the whole debacle was frustrating. He then went on to denouce BP as, ” a bunch of Brits – I thought we kicked them out a long time ago. They tried to get back in in 1812, but they didn’t make it.” So, Pete wants WAR with the Redcoats! We mostly want him to calm down and have a cookie before a vein pops in his head or something.

Model Down…And Down Again…And Forget it.

I leave you with model roadkill at the Fashion For Relief runway show. A model falls three times attempting to walk a seven layer cake stacked a top two twigs down the catwalk. It seems that she almost makes it, and then, oomph she falls, she gets up, oops, then she’s down , okay…she’s up again and pulls the dress over her head since that’s the problem, and then oh, oh, oh, no. Splat! Crumple. Apparently there was no sandwich to break her fall. Of course none of this happened to Naomi Campbell who glides along the runway problem-free basically because she just floats above the catwalk powered by evil and the blood of five virgin babies.

That’s it! Angelina and Brad’s kids will always look better than you, Mel Gibson wants to share with you stories from his Miller High Life, hair should be a privilege, not a right, Hitler is never funny, unless you’re Mel Brooks…and then it’s only funny on Broadway! Penelope Cruz mocks you and then pillages your village, Peter Fonda may be right…he may also need a nap. And unless you’re Naomi Campbell, you will never succeed at walking or frightening Muggles.

Photos via Entertainment Weekly, Instant Pulp, The Telegraph

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