All right my little cuddle butts, it’s been a few weeks since I last gave you an update on all the lovely, lovely, read: “holy crap!” movies Hollywood has planned, so prepare for a post chock full of Hollywood goodness. Don’t go screaming into the night or anything.
You were warned.
Remember when you and your best friend would play that, “What about Godzilla vs. Terminator? Or, or Superman vs. Aquaman” (yeah, right. Aquaman) game? Well, Hollywood wants to make that happen! In like real life and everything! So they’ll just keep giving us match-ups until we explode! Dinosaurs and Aliens are next…naturally.
Aliens vs. Dinosaurs Now? Predators, You Guys Suck!: Yawr, so, yeah. I know all you guys are waiting anxiously about this little movie about prehistoric robeasts and spacemen. It was just a matter of time really. So why not? It’s not as if aliens aren’t in everything else. At this point we’re finding aliens in our beef stew. “What’s wrong, Billy?” “Aw, mom, you put aliens in this. Foo! You know I don’t like aliens or broccoli!” The story takes place on a secret pre-historic Earth where aliens invade and super-intelligent dinosaurs are the planet’s only hope. Aliens are still freaking invading earth?! I would have thought that by now they would have just moved in or something? Are you telling me aliens have been coming here since prehistoric times? What? They haven’t gotten it right, yet? I’m so not worried. If the aliens have been coming here for millions of years and they still in 2011 need to threaten us with total domination, clearly the aliens are stupid. We’re not a hard species to figure out. Just take away all the crap-filled Burger King burgers and our televisions. Duh.
Just Spinning Their Wheels Now: Before critics weighed in and validated the existence of the Fast and the Furious franchise two weeks ago, I would have assumed Vin Diesel had just given up. Or he was just ever closer to being a self-fulfilling name prophecy by putting more diesel in a sad, rag-tag old racing car with a scratched off VIN. Yet before Fast Five (a name created in the bowels of movie genius) had even hit American theaters, Universal Pictures announced that they were thinking of a sixth installment of this often reanimated car race nuisance. And now that the series is riding high due largely to The Rock’s veiny arm chassis, you can bet that Fast Six is a surefire fact. I’m not sure what else can or should be told about this street racing turn bank heisting turn…babysitters, perhaps, franchise? (Oh, Vin and the Rock, you guys are so not above being babysitters.) The studio agrees, so their plans have shifted to can the street racing thing and permanently flip the movie into Ocean’s Eleven Meets the Italian Job Meets Paul Walker’s Rent Money. Well, that makes sense, because street racing just always ends up in bank heists…or death.
Hollywood Bandits Set to Steal Time From the 1980s: We know no movie from the 1980’s is safe from being remade. But now they’ve decided that time-traveling little people are next on the Reanimated Remaker Re-do Easy Bake Oven list. So, okay. Granted, Time Bandits was a bit of a small movie, but it’s really the principle of the thing. If they’re now deciding to remake little ball of nothing movies from the 1980’s then really nothing is safe. I’m betting they’ll need to call Kevin Dillon and Shawnee Smith to get a jump on that The Blob remake. I mean, really, I’m sure he can grow a teased mullet again. No problem. And sure, something like Critters should just be remade. We’re having a real shortage of movies about ferocious, monster-faced, furry aliens in 2011. I don’t think we can hire Bristol Palin and her new face to play the lead role, I’m thinking that would be bad, or brilliant!
A 3D Hippie Beard Coming Your Way: Uh, Hannibal Classics (What the hell is a Hannibal Classic? Anthony Hopkins holding a fava bean bush?) so you’re planning to reboot the Amityville Horror? This is a good idea? Wasn’t the last Amityville reboot exactly seventeen minutes ago? Seriously, I think Ryan Reynolds had a marriage that lasted longer than the time it’s taken to decide to make another one of these things. They’re planning some atrociousness called The Amityville Legacy 3-D. Just what the bloody, fucking hell? Why is this house still haunted? It’s not just doddering around the old neighborhood in its bathrobe telling all the townsfolk what a “pip” it used to have when it would scare the long hair off the hippies? I don’t think it has the ability to bleed from the walls anymore given the blood thinners and Lipitor it’s on. No, Hannibal Classics, now you’re just harassing elderly houses, and we won’t stand for it, and certainly not tormenting it with 3-D. That’s Elder House Abuse.
Let’s talk Ishtar: Elaine May, director and writer of the legendary, award winning, Oscar-baitiest movie of several generations, will appear in person to discuss the never seen before director’s cut of Ishtar….because this is something fans have been hoping for ever since it was released into total annihilation by critics. Someone said, “But wait! What about the director’s cut? I just need to know how my favorite movie was made and see some extras!” And after that happened, that guy was tackled by an air marshal and hauled off of the plane by his ass chaps. So this is really happening. Ishtar will be screened and discussed seriously and not ironically, or comically, or at a roast of Warren Beatty. It will be discussed for like posterity’s sake. Tuesday, May 17, at the 92nd Street Y. Everybody in NYC get your tickets for the Ishtar talk! I’m sure if you’re not in town you will fly in. for. This. Epic. Event.
Universal Soldier: The Prostate Years: Want to know what Jean Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren are doing? Well, you guessed it! Kicking each other in their rubbery, ham-steak faces that’s what. I think you can blame Sly Stallone for this. Apparently someone was a little unhappy about all the excitement surrounding Sly’s movie about all the old men at the boxing ring who just want “one more chance to show their stuff” so Van Damme decided to give this movie franchise some Glucosomine in the knee joint and flex it into action for one final wheeze at the box office. Fantastic. I can’t imagine the plot. But then I probably don’t have to, since apparently Dolph was killed in the last one of these things, so I assume the plot includes copious suspension of belief and a laugh track.
Zorro With Lasers?: So Fox wants to reboot the Zorro franchise. Okay. Well, I enjoyed Banderas in The Mask of Zorro, and it’s been about six years or so since the pretty failed sequel. And since Hollywood counts movies in dog years that’s something like 35 years, so naturally a remake. Oh, but wait, Fox says, “Forget all that historical swashbuckling….naw, we want to do something new, so we’ll introduce audiences to…Futuristic Zorro!” Huh, wha? Yes, that’s right. Zorro in a desolate, post-apocalyptic future. Oh, yes, yes, of course. Zorro meets The Road. What was I thinking? No more caped-crusading but a one-man vigilante in a sort of western. Haven’t we seen this…like always?! Just what is reborn about this particular nuance in that part of the Zorro Reborn name? It must be whoever they’re getting to play the lead role. Maybe it’s reborn because of the nearly zygote movie actor they’ll surly tap to play the Zorro, hence making it a movie infant.
Johnny Depp is a Tired Pirate: Well, finally! Well, not entirely! Depp is kinda saying that he’s not in any real rush to jump back into his pirate boots to set sail again. No, believe me. This is a revelation. We were under the impression that Johnny Depp would sell a kidney to keep being in these extended pirate jokes. It was like he was brainwashed by Bruckheimer or something. Like Bruckheimer told him that he would no longer sell Depp his preferred oily hair grease if he didn’t continue to make these pirates movies, like some sort of ransom. And you know, where would Depp be without his oily, hair grease? So it’s really a no-brainer. He will make Pirates of the Caribbean movies until the end of time. But now he says he only wants to do them if they continue to be special. I don’t know what that means since I already think they’re especially annoying.
Oops!
Waiting to Inhale…all Whitney’s Crack?: Angela Bassett has shown up a few places stating that there will be a sequel to Waiting to Exhale based on Terry McMillan’s 2010 follow-up novel Getting to Happy, which will reunite the entire cast, and set to be directed by Forest Whitaker. Uh, um, Ange. Have you heard the news about Whitney? She, uh, yeah.
Now for Some Cool Stuff:
Pearcing Look at Prometheus: Guy Pearce joins Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, Charlize Theron, Idris Elba, Logan Marshall-Green (24), Rafe Spall (Hot Fuzz), Sean Harris (Red Riding Trilogy), and Kate Dickie (Red Road) in Ridley Scott’s much talked about prequel-to-but-he’s-not-really-ready-to-say-Alien movie, Prometheus. From what is known it’s going to be some sort of origin story. Perhaps Prometheus is another colony, or the name of the alien, or just something cool. Reports have been coming in that the set where they’re filming looks like a spaceship and is very Alien-esque and is way awesome. I’m full-on geek excited for this thing.
Will Smith’s Ride: Tarantino is hoping the star who’s been absent from the big screen since 2008’s Seven Pounds, and actually starting to slightly annoy the world at large, will team up with him for Django Unchained, which has quite the provocative plot. “Django, is a freed slave who seeks to reunite with his slave wife, a journey which will see him team up with a German bounty hunter to take down an evil plantation owner.” Samuel L. Jackson and Christoph Waltz are also circling key parts. It’s provocative of course because of the themes of racism and the potential for the liberal use of the N-word. This would be something huge for the usually fluff-foraging actor. The part is said to be heroic and with Tarantino at the helm, potentially iconic, but Smith manages his image very closely. We’ll see if he decides to mortgage a bit of that image with something that could be history-making.
Casting News:
- Were you titillated when you saw a glimpse of Jeremy Renner in Thor as Hawkeye? Yes, for the whole of 30 seconds he was on film I was excited, and then Thor kept happening. Well, Renner is a busy, busy man. He’ll also give his espionage, operative pants a workout as the next Bourne Star replacing Matt Damon in the franchise. He’ll also get his swagger on as Steve McQueen in the movie star’s biopic. And in more Renner news he’ll get all animated in the next Ice Age movie
- Johnny Depp will lace up his Doc Martens and button his flannel shirt for a cameo in the 21 Jump Street Movie. He’ll also star in a remake of The Thin Man
- Arnold Schwarzenegger will re-borg himself in the next Terminator movie and also do some crying macho-ly in Cry Macho (this name kills me.)
- Gary Busey and David Hasselhoff will play blood-thirsty fish or just weird guys in Piranha 3DD (see what they did there with the D’s? Christ.)
- Jane Lynch will get a new habit as a nun in the Three Stooges movie
- Mark Whalberg and Justin Bieber will become The Funky Bunch Revival in a new movie about street basketball
- Via Twitter Elizabeth Banks confirms herself for a spot in the Hunger Games movie. I think every actor should try this. I just confirmed myself for the Titanic movie!
- Jeff Bridges, grizzly grizzle-bear, will join Ryan Reynolds in R.I.P.D in place of Zach Galifianakis, bearded Yogi bear.
- Chris Hemsworth is rumored to be joining Snow White and the Huntsman where he smashes everyone with his hammer
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt will not be retuning for G.I. Joe 2, so it seems it may just be Channing Tatum by himself at the after party.
- Bruce Willis and 50 Cent the two likeliest costars will team up for Fire with Fire
- That awful-sounding Gotti: Three Generations movie will have at least three generations if you include Al Pacino, and two Travoltas. Travolta’s wife Kelly Preston and their daughter Ella Bleu (Is that her first name or a type of cheese?) are joining the project
- Cameron Diaz will be all preggers in What to Expect When You’re Expecting
- Keanu Reeves wants to get his gang fight on and is circling the lead of Kaneda in the live-action Akira movie
- Sam Worthington, the Avatar meat-muscle, will star in graphic novel to film, The Last Days of American Crime
- Now that his little rapping (and falling) experiment has concluded, Joaquin Phoenix is back to doing what should never stop being his day job and will return in an untitled religious drama (once rumored to be about Scientology)
- Hunger Games gets everyone’s favorite dad and fashion stylist, Stanley Tucci
