Tired of looking at barren white walls? Want to liven up your place, but don’t know where to begin? Coffee and cigs and I believe that starting an art collection may be the solution you’ve been avoiding. Continue reading
Arts
By DahlELama and The_Obvious
As you guys know, we generally write posts about what famous people are up to these days. However, our observations of our audience have led us to the realization that you guys like cats way more than you like people, and in honor of April Fool’s Day, we’re going to pretend that we do too! So grab your playbill and follow along as we look at what became of the stars of the musical Cats!
Bustopher Jones is not skin and bones, in fact he’s remarkably fat. Jones always had a healthy appetite for fame and food, living the high life on gaudy St. James Street and gorging on everything in sight. As time passed, Jones’s girth grew and his friends disappeared, and so did all traces of his fame. Desperate to remain in the spotlight, he fired his agent and appeared on Maury, MTV’s Fat Camp, and his own E! True Hollywood Story Bustopher Jones Fat Cat: From Highballs to Hairballs. He is currently in contract negotiations for his own show on TLC.
Mr. Mistoffelees (stage name) was a scrappy kitten, duping tourists into games of 3 Card Monte on the corner with his fast-talking, charming persona. Possessing a natural gift for sleight-of-hand card tricks, Mistoffelees made enough money to purchase his first magic kit. He worked his way up from magician’s assistant, to opening act, to being named his species’ David Copperfield. His future was bright until one fateful day when his assistant showed up to work drunk. A true professional, Mistoffelees knew the show must go on and climbed into the box to be sawed in half. The lights were dimmed, the music dramatic, and his assistant: pie-faced. The screams were deafening, the sight horrific, blood was everywhere! Mr. Mistoffelees was cut in half, unable to be put back together, Me-OUCH! Being able to eat with your front half and use the litter box with your back half at the same time? Now that’s magic!
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer continued to grow closer as the show went on, but some might say they got a little too close. When the dancing cat burglars’ trademark “double windmill” move turned into a mutual blowing of raspberries on each other’s genitalia, they were promptly fired from the show. Left without any source of income, the frisky felines used the skills they acquired on set to become moderately successful cat burglars. However, their renewed success was short-lived, thanks to their poor choice of a getaway driver known to the public only as “Toonces.” The threesome was last seen flying to party with Thelma and Louise.
Jennyanydots was a grade-A bitch with an inflated ego. She had a harem of suitors bringing her the finest dead pigeons the city had to offer and a gang of loyal subjects who laughed at her every joke and never dared to correct her. One day, her frienemy Fetchin’ Weiners (she went by her full name, because Jenny told her to “stop trying to make ‘Fetch’ happen”) noticed Jenny’s dots looked a little peculiar and recommended Jenny check it out with Dr. Ratsgotra but she refused. How could somebody so beautiful be sick? As time passed, Jenny’s health declined but she chalked it up to impure catnip and the bird flu. Unable to take it any longer, Weiners took her to the hospital and Jenny was diagnosed with bacterial meowengitis. Sadly, it was too late for medicine, and Jenny passed away due to her own hubris.
Bombalurina did her best to claw (pun!) her way back to the top after the demise of Cats by sleeping with every eligible tom in Hollywood, but a brutal rejection by Bob Barker that led her to have her spaying reversed in revenge proved to be her downfall. Bombalurina now lives in an alley behind Sears with four of her seven litters, and rumor has it that even Richard Gere won’t return her calls.
Grizabella, the former glamour puss, led a full life before her final role in Cats. Her sad story began when she was a beautiful young kitten, eager for the spotlight, and left home to head to New York after getting a ride from a shady country boy. Alone and scared, Griz almost gets hit by a cab (the yellow ones don’t stop) and is taken in by Molly, an exotic dancer who performs for a real bunch of dogs. Out of funds, Grizabella tags along with Molly and shakes all 8 of her nipples for money using the stage name “Fursace.” But dancing gets old fast, and Griz is tired of playing second fiddle to Molly… so she pushes her down the stairs, and although Molly naturally lands on her feet, Fursace is fur-fired. In a last-ditch effort to resurrect her career, she auditioned for Cats and was thrilled to get the part, but the fame proved to be too much for Grizabella, and she lost her part–and her career–when she got addicted to catnip. She currently turns tricks for nip-money and lives in a box living vicariously through her memory.
Old Deuteronomy was actually already pretty old when the show started in 1982 so, you can probably guess what happened there. Yup, freak Razor scooter accident.
DahlELama and The_Obvious are clearly not cat people, but they do enjoy Cat Cookies from Trader Joe’s. However, they do not condone any violence against cats and hope they did not trigger any painful memories. They would also like to recommend that you use “safe search” when looking for pictures of cats. There are some things that can not be unseen.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Welcome to CrassGossip for our first Holy Day of Obligation.
Before we get to the comings, goings of mere mortals, we must stop and pay tribute
to one of the OG HBICs:
Elizabeth Taylor
For this tribute you will need:
Black eyeliner, a trophy, your trusty AIDS awareness ribbon and a bottle of the best champagne you can afford.
white diamonds/White Diamonds are optional.
First, apply your eyeliner, Cleopatra-style:
Next, grab your trophy and savor a moment of personal triumph in the nearest mirror.
Finally, tie on your AIDS ribbon and remember the woman who publicly stood up for AIDS patients and raised a ton of cash for the cause, while most of the world was still treating victims like deviant lepers
Now, take your champagne and in classic gangsta fashion, take a drink and then pour one out for Elizabeth Taylor.

May we all be blessed enough to spit in the eye of convention and tha haterz and live and love in the manner of this fantastic woman.
Now, on to the lesser mortals.
Ugh.
- The Kardashian-with-a-penis had emergency surgery after complaining about his appendix, probably on Twitter. TMZ
- Jessie Spano is outed for doing outreach work for teenage girls on the DL. I have a question for Ask Elizabeth! Does Kyle MacLachlan groom his scrotum hair?
- Tom Hanks is suing J.B. Goldman Insurance for embezzlement. Seriously? What kind of asshole steals from Tom “Forrest Gump-actually-seems-like-kind-of-a-jerk-in-comparison-to-the-actor-who-plays-him” Hanks? That guy seems so fucking nice he’d probably give you the money and accompany it with a nice bottle of wine, if you asked. (Tom, if you are reading, I could really use tuition money for next year. Also, I like red.) Popeater
- JaRule is the latest fucking moron to get nailed for tax evasion.
- Rebecca Black you are not just a terrible singer but also an awful fucking fameball excuse for a human. I nominate her as the Official Crasstalk Enemy #1. Perez
- Shania Twain has apparently lost the ability to sing. I consider this a fair punishment for that duet with Miley Cyrus’ dad. Huffington Post
- Times up for Lindsay! Like so, so many other things I barely have a fuck to give about the fate of this…person? (Does she even really meet the requirements for person hood anymore? Is there any actual “there” there?) but I do love inappropriate-for-court fashion, so I guess if I have to root for something in such situations I am on Team Trial. Perez
In Fucking Awesome News:
- The sweater Jeff Bridges wore in The Big Lebowski is being auctioned off. My birthday is in June Crasstalkers. If there are any hidden trust fund kids out there, consider this an easy way to satisfy your philanthropic requirements for the year. Buy me this sweater!
In Woman Beater News:
- The oozing open sore, commonly known as “Michael Lohan” beat the shit out of girlfriend Kate Major. Allegedly.
- Charlie Sheen definitely NOT coming back to 2.5 Men. TMZ
- ABC is not pressing charges against Chris Brown for yesterday’s violent outburst on the set of GMA. Interviewer Robin Roberts has also invited him back on the show.
“In my series disassembly, I have used old items that are no longer by the masses and often found on the street curbs heading for disposal. All of the items in the photographs were in working order. The interesting part was the fact that they were all so well built, and the parts were most likely put together by hand. I envisioned all the enjoyment these pieces had given many people for many years, all to be replaced by new technology that will be rapidly replaced with half the use.”
All Images from http://www.toddmclellan.com
*click to enlarge
Dear Lala,
I am submitting a few pics of what is probably the most heinous bathroom ever. At least I managed to get the brown and gold swirl flocked wallpaper off the walls…yeah. It was that bad. So this is an improvement if you can believe it.
My style is traditional. Not just because I find it comfortable, but for purposes of resale, its easier to sell something traditional than it is a Japanese soaking tub, glass block walls, or something equally out-there (for NJ anyway).
My budget is as low as can be. I’m honestly not sure of how much any of the work will cost (I’m waiting on estimates). The joists run parallel to the bedroom walls on either side of the bathroom. Moving the toilet (assuming its currently centered between the joists) will give me up to a foot of possible movement. I don’t want to move the toilet to a position where a joist would have to be drilled, since it could compromise the structural integrity of the joist.
Help!
Ditzy Blonde
Dear Ditzy,
I can assure you, this is not the most heinous bathroom that I have seen but I feel your pain. It is a daunting task planning a bathroom renovation because it requires so much skilled labour to get the job done- plumbing, electrical, carpentry. It can also yield the highest return on investment when selling your home. You have some homework to do and decisions to make!
No one has an unlimited budget so it is important to make a list of your deepest desires and a list of your actual needs. Ultimately, every good reno will have a mix of splurge items and budget basics. My non-negotiable here would likely be a custom walk-in shower and separate bathtub. I could live without custom cabinetry because so many vanity and storage cabinets come in such a wide array of stock sizes, shapes (and finishes) that can create a nearly custom fit. Staying with a neutral palette & a classic design scheme will also allow you to get creative (read: frugal) when it comes time to shop.

So, let’s talk floor plan. I hate to start my first design advice post by disagreeing with your contractor over toilet position but I can’t help myself. Nothing makes this princess want to stab herself in the eye more than a conversation with a contractor. I am not saying they don’t walk away feeling the exact same about me, I am just saying.
Unless I am reading your plans incorrectly, I don’t see a reason the toilet cannot be moved/stack rerouted along or up that backwall with perhaps the worst case scenario being a possible bulkhead below. Since I don’t have plans to the floors beneath, I will not belabor the point. I will revisit it a few short paragraphs away…

Toilet position aside, the double entry from the master and guest bedrooms is taking up a lot of precious real estate. I know this layout provided endless sitcom fodder on The Brady Bunch but I’m not sure I want to be in any bathroom comedy situation with overnight guests. I recommend you position a single entry from the hall. You could still maintain a hall linen cabinet on either side of the door but I might be more inclined to opt for a roomier shower and max out storage on the vanity wall. The splurge in this scenario is the custom fitted glass wall & door of the shower with full tile wall. You can offset this by choosing a drop in tub that fully covers the deck surface & selecting from stock cabinetry.

Make sure to provide ample lighting from multiple sources, usually meaning window, recessed, sconce and hanging. Really make your space sparkle- the space is gutted, so be sure to take advantage: have recessed lighting and sconces on separate switches with dimmers. Choose simple, classic fixtures and hardware.
Don’t be afraid to use large tiles in a small space. A nice 12″ x 24″ porcelain tile will feel luxe. I love porcelain tile, it has the depth and feel of marble (without the $) and the available colours will mix beautifully with marble countertops. Most large DIY stores carry ready-to-install counters in crema and carrera marble. I suggest mixing the same color tile in a variety of sizes, in the same shape: 12″x 24″, 4″ x 6″ subway in the shower, and maybe a smaller mosaic or basketweave for the vanity & bath backsplash. The continuity of colour is really calming, the mix of texture keeps it interesting and fresh.

I cannot end this post without including the plans that place the toilet where I want. Because I am a princess and because I cannot stop redesigning your master bath.
The same principles always apply- there is custom luxury and builder basic in equal measure.
1. Beautiful, traditional mix of creamy, dreamy tile, rich toasty wood, painted panel moulding with freestanding bath. *Best part: toilet is hidden behind wall. I do this whenever possible. Tub, vanity and faucets are all from Lowe’s so keep abreast of those sales! Tiles and tubs get discontinued, thus discounted regularly.

2. Probably the closest plan to the drawings you sent me and likely the the most budget friendly in spite of that pesky loo because I have left the doors. Comedy gold, Ditzy!
Insignia linen cabinets and full tub surround are also all from Lowe’s. I recommend injecting some luxe in this scheme by adding the mosaic detail in the center of the room, a tiled ‘area rug’, if you will. Repeat the painted shaker detail on the facade of the bathtub, wainscoting and on the entry doors. Really ground the whites in the room by mixing in oil rubbed bronze fixtures (door knobs, hinges & drawer pulls). Punctuate with a rich wood frame mirror.

3. Sophisticated shades of grey punctuated with dark wood and crisp white. The vanity & medicine cabinets are from Restoration Hardware. The built in bookcase above the bath is from the bottom of my heart. I am a sucker for a built in! Porcelain floor and wall tiles, glass wall shower.
Has your head exploded? Mine too! That’s okay, collect yourself and have good long think about what you would like to achieve. Price out high, medium and low options. Sit down with qualified and enthusiastic contractors and show them these floor plans. Be very clear with them and yourself about what your actual budget is. Then get excited, and send me the after shots. Good luck!
S.L.Y.,
Princess Lala
*Please send your design dilemmas & disasters to [email protected]

*UPDATE
@MissAnitaMan
Cheap as chips.
Estate Vanity $148.00, Estate Medicine Cabinet $88.00, Olean Pinwheel Floor Tile $12/sf, all from Lowes. White subway wall tile $00.23 each from Home Depot.
I still might paint the room a beige/ creamy white for a bit of contrast. Maybe Benjamin Moore Ballet White OC9 or White Sand OC10. Good Luck!
***SPOILER ALERT***
Wednesday night, I attended a free screening of Red Riding Hood. The following review is chock-full of spoilers. It pretty much gives away everything other than the identity of the wolf. If you are heavily invested in seeing Red Riding Hood with unbiased eyes, do not read on. I’m assuming very few of you fall under that category, however, so here we go.
Red Riding Hood is Catherine Hardwicke’s first project since directing the premier installment of the Twilight series. The Big Bad Wolf in this version has been transformed into a werewolf, so naturally, comparisons between the two films are running rampant. Red Riding Hood does indeed have a lot in common with Twilight. Sadly, however, I’d say Red‘s the less entertaining of the two.
From the very beginning, the dialogue clunked along, much of it boring lines you’ve heard in other movies, such as the oft-cried “I don’t want you to see me this way!” Even new lines didn’t resonate. An exchange meant to ramp up the tension between the two male rivals (“If you’re the wolf, I’ll chop your head off” / “I’ll do the same.”) A heavy-handed attempt to make the audience think one of Red’s suitors is the wolf (“I could eat you up.” You know, LIKE A WOLF.) There were very few lines that elicited laughs, genuine or ironic.
Where and When is Grandmother’s House?
My friend and I both left the theater unsure of where and when the movie took place. Seventeenth century England? Sure. Twelfth century Italy? Why not. I’m now leaning towards France in the late-Middle Ages.
The costumes don’t make it much easier to figure out. Similar to A Knight’s Tale, the costumes mix a Renaissance fair aesthetic with modern touches. But without the charm and cheekiness of A Knight’s Tale, some of the costumes just feel tacky.
Gary Oldman dons a purple velvet number that I’m pretty sure was borrowed from Prince.
He completes the outfit with silver-tipped fingernails (the better to scratch werewolves with, my dear.) Tunamelt does it better.
Meanwhile, Red’s grandmother moonlights as a Boho yoga instructor.
Speaking of anachronisms, Little Red’s real name is Valerie. Wikipedia tells me that Valerie does in fact have old origins, but really, when I hear Valerie, there’s only one person I think of. And she may have been a saucy wench, but she was most definitely from the modern age.
Twilight: Part 2 (Part 5? Whatever.)
After reading Twilight the book (I was curious, okay!), I was actually impressed with Hardwicke’s ability to transform the discombobulated, nonsensical source material into something vaguely coherent and watchable. Sure, the movie’s still drivel, but the kind of drivel that’s good for a few giggles, maybe after sneaking some Schnapps into the movie theater. Red Riding Hood can’t claim the “so bad it’s good” title. It’s just so bad it’s bad.
That said, the two films do have a lot of noticeable similarities. The movie opens by panning across the tops of tall, lush tress, not unlike the ones Edward and his “spider monkey” climb. The heroine is courted by two good-looking young men, one fair (Henry) and one dark-haired (Peter). There is no clear good or bad guy among the two. (Unless one of them turns out to be the wolf!) Both are seemingly nice enough fellas, but lack any real defining personalities other than liking her enough to risk their lives. Despite not trusting each other, at one point they have to join forces to rescue the object of their affections.
Redeeming Qualities
There’s a scene where the townspeople hold a bacchanalia-like party that reminds you that Hardwicke also directed Thirteen. There, Valerie engages in the ancient courting ritual – dancing all up on another girl to make a boy horny with jealous rage. Hardwicke does a good job creating a chaotic, animalistic scene, and I think she’d be well-suited to direct a darker teen movie, like Cruel Intentions.
Random Absurdities
- Valerie’s sister is killed by the wolf early on. From the start, the sister’s unrequited love for Henry is emphasized. Later, you learn that she and Henry are half-siblings. The characters continue to speak of her love, despite the fact that he was her brother and that is gross.
- Paranoid that he may be the werewolf, Valerie stabs her almost-lover Peter. You’d think that this would lead to a conversation about her trust issues, but instead, Ol’ Pete seems totally unfazed.
- Blond Grandmother looks exactly like the blond Red Riding Hood, who looks exactly like her blond mother. Turns out Grandmother is actually Valerie’s paternal grandmother. Another unexplored incest storyline perhaps?

- Three-fourths of the way into the movie, you learn the wolf can speak telepathically to Red. Surprise!
If you’d like to see the telepathic werewolf for yourself, Red Riding Hood opens Friday.
Top Image from here.
Reading: it’s really a lost art. I’m not an old (although I’m about to sound like one), but kids these days just don’t read unless it’s the “Twilight” saga. Yes, I read that, but I also read everything I could get my hands on since I was four. My mother, thank God, didn’t think that stealing her Stephen Kings at age six was a good idea. So she’d take me to Crown Books (old!) and I was only allowed to pick books out from the “Classics” section.
I would read the back of the shampoo bottle. Much like with music, I have no shame or taste. I’ll read Dean Koontz while listening to Britney if I want. I’ll read “Vanity Fair” while listening to Chopin. I’ll read Chuck Palahniuk while listening to something intentionally “avant-garde.” So I think I have a pretty good range of reference when it comes to modern-day literature and non-fiction.
Everyone knows “The Great Gatsby” is a great book. Tom Wolfe’s great. But there are some great books that don’t have the reputation they have. So here’s a little list of authors you should get familiar with, if you haven’t. It’s by no means comprehensive, but these are some of the best writers of the last, we’ll say, fifteen years.
Mary Roach
,”Stiff,” “Spook,” “Bonk,” “Packing for Mars”
Roach is a non-fiction writer that tackles subjects that she personally finds interesting, like cadavers, or sex. Aren’t we all a little interested in those things? Her books are very funny, and very nerdy-factual. I would marry her. There have been times that I
have literally spit/choked/giggled while reading her books. Don’t bring one on an airplane. Your seatmate will be concerned about your mental health.
Jonathan Franzen, “The Twenty-Seventh City,” “Strong Motion,” “The Corrections,” “Freedom”
Franzen’s kind of a controversial guy, Oprah debacle aside. Some people love him; some people think he’s absolutely the epitome of navel-gazing, indulgent, latter-day ennui. I like his writing, perhaps because a lot of us are, in fact, experiencing some latter-day ennui ourselves. His books have a steep trajectory; each one is better than the next. He’s Tom Wolfe-esque. Only his slice of life is the upper-middle-class, over-educated and under-sane demographic.
Carolyn Parkhurst, “The Dogs of Babel,” “Lost and Found,” “The Nobodies Album”
In all honesty, “The Dogs of Babel” is one of my favorite books of all time. Her books address loss, grief, redemption and love (you know, all the little things in life) without veering into chick-lit territory. Her writing is vivid and practically poetic. I’d compare her to Margaret Atwood, but she’s not quite Atwood, either. Sometimes, her books are visceral and heartbreaking. Her voice is really unique, and if you only read one book from this list, read “Dogs.”
Jen Lancaster, “Bitter Is the New Black,” “Bright Lights, Big Ass,” “Such a Pretty Fat,” “Pretty in Plaid”
Lancaster is equal parts chick lit, sarcastic bitch, and pop-culture analyst. If you read her books, start at the beginning; they’re all memoirs…so reading in that sequence helps. As a bitchy pit bull owner from Chicago, they struck a certain chord with me. Her books are full of snark, and we do love the snark here, so again, be prepared for a decent amount of wine-spitting when you read her books.
Amy Hempel, “Reasons to Live,” “At the Gates of the Animal Kingdom,” “Tumble Home, “The Dog of the Marriage”
Hempel is, in many ways, the antithesis of Franzen. She’s a minimalist, and her words are chosen very carefully to elicit readers’ responses without saying very much at all. Her prose is stark and clean but still manages to reverberate in my head long after I’ve finished a story. She writes mostly short stories, and short leaves plenty of room for an echo chamber of feelings and thoughts after reading a piece by her. “The Collected Stories of Amy Hempel” is a great place to start.
So, those are my picks. You’ll definitely disagree (and maybe agree), but I tried to pick just five of the amazing authors out there. There are many honorable mentions, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t list just one:
Kurt Vonnegut, everything.
Vonnegut’s main body of work isn’t in the last fifteen years, but he’s easily one of the best, and most prolific, writers of the last fifty years. Satire is effortless for this man. As a nod to our mascot, the honey badger, he doesn’t give a shit. At all. His books lampoon everything from the end of the world to mental illness to modern politics. He makes sci-fi cool. He’s a shameless lefty and atheist. He is just fantastic, funny, and brilliant (yes, I clearly have a crush on a dead man). My introduction to Vonnegut was “The Sirens of Titan,” but you can start anywhere, as long as you keep picking up another Vonnegut book. The world is less amazing without Kurt Vonnegut in it.
So, please share your favorite authors in the comments, and I’ll ferociously defend my choices, as well.
Melody crawled out of bed just before the alarm clock could rudely awaken her. She was alone, but the other side of the bed was still warm from her lover, who had just arisen and left for work. She had spent the evening and night with one of her dearest friends, a hopelessly handsome writer and educator named Jason who was, as far as she had known for twenty years, gay.Needless to say, the experience had been a re-awakening for them both.
He had been her English professor, and the last time they’d had sex was when she was in college, immediately prior to his public coming out. She had always known him to be actively bisexual, so it wasn’t a surprise, but his admission that he was gay did nothing to dampen her attraction to him. Their friendship was so strong, she knew not to take it personally, and she encouraged him in his new identity, even though it no longer included the erotic romps she’d come to adore.
Surprisingly, the prior night didn’t involve alcohol or other influential substances, even though back in college they’d both enjoyed getting stoned before making love. Last night, they had gone to dinner at a delectable Thai restaurant to celebrate Melody’s 41st birthday and Jason’s 54th, which fell three days after hers. Although Jason was newly single, Melody was immersed in a long-term harmonious marriage, so the conversation was largely celebratory. At some point, their talk turned to a reminiscence of their college fling, and they laughed at the magnitude of their folly, both because of the inappropriateness of their teacher-student romance and the inevitability of his obvious preferable attraction to men.
As the night progressed, though, Melody noticed Jason’s choice of words grew progressively more complimentary of her. They had been lovers for a year in college, so each had an intimate remembrance of the other, erotically speaking. While time had surely altered their bodies, they were both still quite attractive, and the chemistry of their powerful and profound friendship was strong.
“Have you ever considered being with someone else besides Dave?”, Jason had inquired provocatively.
“I haven’t been with anyone else but Dave since the last time I slept with you, Jason. So, no, I haven’t.” She assumed that was the end of it.
“First of all, I find that impossible to believe. Secondly, would you consider fucking me again? Tonight?”
Stunned, Melody replied, “Jason, since when do you have sex with women?”
“Not since the last time I had sex with you.”
“So what exactly is this? Are you telling me you’re bisexual again?”
Emphatically, he replied, “Not at all. I just really want to fuck you tonight.”
“Why tonight?” Melody asked, and the lingering question she didn’t ask was, ‘Why did you have to stop twenty years ago?’
“Why not?” he coyly replied.
Melody decided not to question his rationale, because she was already incredibly aroused and intrigued by his proposition. After all, even though it had been decades since last they’d been lovers, she was consistently aroused by Jason’s intellect, spirit, humor and heart. Plus the obvious fact that she had never stopped appreciating how sexy she was, even though it was admiration from afar. Strong guilt feelings surfaced at the prospect of betraying her husband, but since Dave was away on a business trip, she knew that she could forestall dealing with her guilt and the logistics of her actions until afterwards.
They returned to Jason’s apartment, where Melody allowed her once-and-future lover to take the reins of their sexual reunion. She was unsurprised that he mostly wanted to fuck her from behind (old habits die hard, she’d guessed), but she was nearly stunned by how intensely he made her come. This was the kind of sex that you would gladly walk across broken glass to get to. She knew that by virtue of being a woman, she wasn’t giving him all he needed, but he didn’t seem to care; he was glad to please her to the ends of her tether.
Now, the morning after their unexpected and exceptional eroticism, her body ached but she was too ensconced in the afterglow to notice. Later, as she showered and dressed and made her way back into the world, she began to ponder how her friendship and her marriage would survive. She considered the hard truth: that this was almost certainly a one-time thing with Jason, but she now found herself even more drawn to him than before. Returning to her husband’s bed would require forgiveness on his part, and surrender on hers. Would either of them find the balance that was required? Melody knew that she was motivated to do so, as the alternative – unrequited lust for a gay man – had come full circle, and there was obviously nowhere else to go with that scenario.
As if in direct response to her line of thought, as she was heading towards the door to leave, her cell phone rang. It was Jason, wishing her good morning and then saying something that set her mind reeling again.
“Bisexuality in men is uncommon, but it’s also highly underrated.” He paused briefly before continuing, “I might be coerced into doing it again, but only with you.”
Melody was silent, mentally spinning through the possibilities. Her silence went on a bit too long, and Jason spoke again.
“Unless you don’t want to; you know we can still be friends. Or else, I can meet you back at my place for lunch.”
Replying immediately this time, Melody asked incredulously, “Lunch?”
Just then, another call came in. It was her husband.
She knew that she wasn’t ready to answer that call… not just yet.
Author’s note: Baconcat loves Gothic horror. He loves it for the atmosphere and the over the top lurid descriptions (oh, the Victorians, what wonderful hypocrite prudes they were!). However, if you don’t, you’ll probably want to skip this one.
Okay, you’ve been forewarned.
The 7:03
The blast of the train’s steam whistle ripped through the snowstorm and told Hannah she had guessed correctly. The sound emanated no more than 30 yards directly in front of her. The snowfall was so thick that when she fled her house only a few minutes ago she was forced to lay trust in only her feet to guide her to the train station. But her feet had run true, taking steps they had taken perhaps a thousand times before. Now, with only a few more steps she would be aboard the train and free of her dreadful pursuers. She wondered, if only for a moment, if she had truly been able to escape them. But if she had heard the whistle, they heard the whistle. Were she to make the train though, there would be safety in numbers.
How horrible the demons that forced her from her home had been! She imagined her pursuers’ blackened hands grasping at her, the greasy flesh falling off in terrible chunks, the sooty tallow leaving streaked stains on her dress. So nightmarish was this thought that she failed to see the step to the train platform and fell over it, almost spilling the little money purse clutched desperately in her hand. ’30 dollars.’ she whispered instinctively, as if by speaking it aloud she guaranteed its safety. 30 dollars was not much, but it would be enough for her to start a new life in Cleveland, maybe even Chicago. It was all her father had to his name. All of his savings, and yet only five minutes ago he had pressed it so willingly and firmly into her hand while he shuttled her out back door of the only home she had ever known.
“Just please go, child!” he said while pushing her reluctant body out into the cold night. He hadn’t even had time to tell her he loved her before the mob knocked down the front door. “Just go!” he cried as he ran to bar the kitchen door and buy his only child a few more precious seconds to flee. Just then, in the moment the front door had fallen, she’d seen the demons again leading the charge; Their burnt faces turned in a permanent toothy death smile, their white bones peeking through the torn and scarred skin as they forced their way through the house and slammed against the kitchen door. Hannah took one last look at her father mustering all the strength his 58 year old frame could manage to hold back the door, and then she turned and stumbled blindly into the raging storm.
The whistle blew again as Hannah ran down the platform, racing for the train. As she boarded the train, she heard the desperate cries of her pursuers. They too had reached the platform, but devil be damned, they were too late! The train was already pulling out of the station. Even if they got aboard, they couldn’t hurt her here; not on a train, not with all the passengers for witnesses. In the town she may be a pariah, but here on a train full of strangers, she was an unknown damsel in distress. The demons could not touch her here.
She found her way into the cabin and fell into the first available seat. Even though the seats were the uncomfortable wood and wrought iron benches of coach class, the cabin was warm, being heated by the coal fired oven, and she was so tired and relieved to be free of them that she drifted into a dream filled sleep.
Her sweet, departed mother came to mind first. She had been so beautiful! While she was alive all had been well in their small town. Her father had been happy then, for he considered himself the luckiest man alive. Having reached 40 with no mate, he had resigned himself to a life of solitude. Yet, when he met Hannah’s mother on a supply trip to Boston, he knew within an instant that he would marry her. It didn’t matter that she was a poor immigrant daughter and he a successful shopkeeper, nor that he was twice her age. After only a day, he offered her work in his general store. She agreed and took the long carriage ride back with him without a second thought. By the time they arrived in his small town, they were in love. They were married in a short ceremony and within a year, Hannah arrived.
“Next stop Garvey.”
Perhaps Hannah had always had the gift. Perhaps not, but what is certain is that her first recollection of the ability was her mother’s death. Hannah had seen the mark on her mother that day. It was clear as day to Hannah, the dark blue band across her mother’s neck. Not knowing what it was, the premonition confused her. Here was her mother in her Sunday best, and yet she was caked in mud. Being only four, she asked her mother why she would wear muddy clothing to go to church? Her mother thought Hannah was playing a child’s game with her and scolded her. She remembered that; her mother had been cross with her. And yet, her mother was sweet-natured, and not one to hold a grudge. By the time service ended, she had forgiven Hannah, even though the child still insisted that she was wearing soiled clothes.
For three days Hannah watched her mother come downstairs wearing clothing caked in mud. And each time there was the same deep blue band across her neck. For three days she would ask her mother why she wore muddy clothes and for three days her mother sighed and her father told her it was not polite to make fun. It wasn’t until the 4th day that the visions made sense. That was the day Mr. Watkin’s carriage became unbuckled and rolled free down the hill. Her mother never even saw it. It pushed her into the mud in the middle of the street and the wagon wheel passed right over her neck. From there on in, father believed in her visions. How could he not? Was the bruise of the wagon wheel not exactly where Hannah had shown him?
The loss was hard on both of them, but they had each other, and together they survived. Her father was sad, but he was kind and loving. And though he had lost his wife, he had her daughter. Life began to return to normal.
“Next stop Wickham Green.”
For a while, things settled in again. But then the war between the states broke out and Hannah began seeing them again. For the week before he left to join the union, Parson Williams’ boy had a deep gash down the length of his neck. He was killed by a cavalryman in a skirmish. Joseph and Ira Collins had multiple bullet holes in their Sunday best. They were both killed at Pickett’s charge. Ambrose Mueller was missing a head. And when she saw Clinton Smith, or what was left of him, the sight was so terrifying that she screamed every time he came into her father’s store.
Her father had always liked Clinton and felt it was his duty to tell him of his daughter’s premonition. Clinton was so terrified that he fled the draft and ran away to New York City. He was blown to pieces by a naval cannon during the draft riots of ‘63.
From then on out things deteriorated in the village. Clinton’s mother believed it was Hannah who had killed her son through some sort of magic and she spread the story Clinton had told her throughout the town. Hannah’s father laughed at first, but as she kept predicting and people kept dying, it became harder and harder to laugh.
“Next Stop Ashtabula, Ohio.”
The war ended, as all wars do, and if things didn’t exactly return to normal, they at least became less hostile. But even without war, accidents happen: threshers break, carriages flip, horses panic, guns explode. Hannah kept them to herself, sharing only the occasional comment for her father. “Old Schaeffer is going to die soon.” Most importantly Hannah resigned herself to the fate of not being able to change the outcomes. After all, they died if she said nothing and they died if she warned them. She became used to the sights of the mangled bodies. None of them were that terrible, and more importantly, they had a sort of benevolent peace to them. If she envisioned farmer Schaeffer with a broken neck, he was still farmer Schaeffer, he still spoke kindly words to her on Sunday, even if they came out of a very sideways head.
But a full 11 years after the war she saw a horrible vision, one altogether worse than Clinton Smith. In fact, it had been so horrible that when the two demons (for there was no other word for them) entered the Church on that cold morning, she fainted dead away.
Hannah rustled in her sleep as the train left the station. Though she tried to push the memory of the demons from her mind, she could not. They were townspeople no doubt, but so badly burnt that they were unrecognizable. When they walked into the church that morning, she saw the greasy black stains they left in their wake, she saw the flesh drip and fall off their legs. And their eyes, their hideous eyes were vacant of eyeballs, black and oozing, and yet, because this was only a vision, they still seemed to look at you, though they had nothing to look with.
Fainting in the church was apparently the straw that broke the camel’s back. While Hannah recuperated at home, a mob formed. When she awoke that night, she heard the voice of Bill Tilghman talking in the hall outside her room.
“No, you’ve got to go now, James. They won’t wait two weeks.”
“But she’s my daughter!”
“They are coming tonight. They are coming and they are going burn her! That scene in the church- it- well, it was enough.”
It was during their preparations to leave that the mob had come. Her mind drifted back to the purse. ’30 dollars.’ Se mumbled as she clutched the purse in her sleep.
“Just please go.” Her father’s last words.
And again in her dream she saw the faces of the two as they barged through her father’s door. Two evil skulls the color of onyx. Two scarred and burnt men with hate in their hearts and black deeds on their minds. She had escaped them. Even if they were here on the train now, they could not hurt her. She had escaped them. She had escaped.
The train jostled as it slowly pushed through the snowfall and inched its way across the bridge. The conductor, not expecting the quake shifted clumsily and bumped into Hannah. Perhaps to cover his mistake, he asked her for her ticket. Hannah awoke and as she wiped the sleep from her eyes she looked up to him. His face was completely sheared off and in its place a grisly mask of blood and muscle remained. He put his hand forward and she could see it was badly burnt, so burnt that it was barely recognizable. Hannah shrieked, causing the passengers in the cabin to turn to look at her. Their faces were all burnt too. Some were without heads. Others had heads, but were contorted in the most unnatural way. She covered her eyes to hide the hideous sight, but the sights still came through, as if her hands were not there. She pulled them down from her eyes and saw that they too were burnt, so badly destroyed that only charred bones existed where once there had been flesh and blood.
Suddenly Hannah understood the meaning of the visions.
She let out a bloodcurdling scream but it was drowned out by the blast of the steam whistle on the number 2 engine. The events foretold in her vision were already in motion, and past the point of no return. Three cars up, the first engine had just passed over the broken bridge trestle causing it to give way. The engineer of the second engine gave one final blast of the steam whistle as it uncoupled from the lead engine and plunged into the abyss below. From the other side of the bridge, the #1 Engineer could only weep and stare on helplessly as each car, in turn, plunged off the gap, down into the burning wreckage below.
-Baconcat
Author’s Note: in 1859, Charles Dickens founded the magazine All the Year Round, which published serialized novels in weekly formats. Many of Dickens’ own novels were in this format, but he didn’t write a novel and then break it up, he wrote it as it was being serialized in order to maintain proper deadlines, as well as switch up the story based on what people liked and did not like about the work. I hope to continue the tradition with this series for Crasstalk.
The Reconciliation of Lucas Lygram
Prologue
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been seven weeks since my last confession.”
“What ails you my child?”
In the past seven weeks, I had committed 89 acts of homosexual conduct. I had lied 897 times. I had stolen 37 grapes from the Trader Joe’s in Union Square. I had murdered twelve flies, seven spiders, and thirty seven cockroaches. I had cheated on my taxes. I had eaten shellfish even though I deplore the taste. and I had sworn exactly 1,432.5 times (the half swear was accounted for in 27 interrupted conversations) to name a few infractions. I knew all this because I kept a daily journal with a daily count on all of my sins so that I might go participate in the sacrament of Reconciliation. I went every seven weeks, in honor of the seven sacraments.
The irony was not lost on me that I, at present, could only partake in six of those sacraments, and, given that I was not dying, the seventh, Anointing of the Sick, could not be performed, thus making the number of sacraments that I could partake in at five. However, in reality, I only partook in four sacraments as I had no desire to be chaste or in poverty (I mean, I already was in poverty, it’s just that I had no desire to be in poverty) which was what would have been required of me had I partaken in the priesthood. How savage it is to be so slavishly devoted to a religion that has sent you to Hell.
I nearly forgot to tell the priest about bedding that lesbian lumberjack. We were both drunk. She had short hair. I shave my body hair. Once we’d realized we were with members of the opposite sex, we just decided that we might as well go with it given we were on a flannel electric blanket in a clearing in a wood upstate. This would have come back to bite me had I not noticed the loose page in the back of the sin book reminding me to tell him since, according to the notes, the original page died in a tragic coffee accident. Oh, yeah. The book. I should probably explain that.
Introductions first. Mother taught me to be the consummate example of a proper gentleman . My name’s Lucas. Lucas Lygram. It’s an awful name. I hate it, but mother would kill me if I changed it. At the very least, she’d leave me out of the will and has threatened to do so on numerous occasions. I don’t particularly see how that’s threatening since I wasn’t raised in a wealthy household, but, still, she feels the need to make that threat.
The only other things that are relevant at the moment are that I’m currently dating and in love with a complete ass of a human being named Samuel Grey and that I have an obsession. This obsession stems from an emotionally violent incident with my grandmother after my first confession at the age of nine in which she gave me a very graphic description on the consequences of not accounting and atoning for each and every single sin that I committed. Deciding that that certainly wasn’t going to happen to me, that I certainly wouldn’t be a singed, shell of a corpse that Virgil and Dante just happened to come across on their journey to Paradise, I began a quest: to make sure that every single thing that I did that was considered, well, unholy by The Bible would be written down for future reference, and it was. Sam stems from getting drunk at a club. The sin book was truly a masterwork. A series of fine, leather bound notebooks (that I could barely afford), each with the word “Sin” and a number corresponding to their order in the series embossed in gold leaf sat on a bookshelf in my Brooklyn apartment. There’s currently 4,942 of them, but I only keep the latest group in the apartment. The rest are in a storage unit on Staten Island. I just don’t have the space, you know? I head up to Saint Patrick’s Cathedral and take up a few hours of their time every seven weeks before sitting down for Mass. I’m fascinated by the sacraments, particularly Communion and Confession. They say confession is private, but I’m pretty sure they know who I am. Then again, these are the same people who believe in transubstantiation, but I guess that doesn’t really have any influence on their observational skills. Who cares, really?
“My son, you have sinned much. To atone, you must say eighty rosaries, one hundred four Our Fathers and the Act of Contrition, let’s say, thirty times. I’d also suggest going to see Sister Ann about volunteering to help in the Church Bazaar. For the heck of it, toss in a couple creeds. Your choice, Luke.”
I sat in the pews and began to pray. My rosary wasn’t anything particularly special, but I did get it blessed by Pope John Paul 2 when I visited the Vatican as a teenager. I thought I’d start with the Nicene Creed though. That one’s easy. A homeless man had taken sanctuary in the cathedral and sat down on the opposite side of my pew. Mass had already started and he began to sing with the rest of the congregation, until he didn’t. He started throwing up.
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life who proceeds from the Father and the Son and is worshiped and glorified. We believe in violently upchucking in the one, holy Catholic and apostolic church. We look for the…fuck it.
I proceeded to leave. I could finish that shit at home.
Sin Catalogue O6.29
Judgement. One Count 13.28
Swearing. Two Counts 13.29