Baconcat

5 posts
A large domestic cat made entirely of Bacon. Comforting and tasty. Lowers stress levels but increases cholesterol. I am a writer, bon vivant and gentleman adventurer. I do not do things because they are easy, I do them because they are hard. Yes, I basically just said I do things that are hard. My God, you've got the humor of a 12 year old*. *And I like that about you.

We All Have Pet Peeves

I’m somewhat of a gadabout. I’m easygoing, good for a laugh down at the Diogenes club, and sometimes, when you keep me from getting too foxed, I will talk about something interesting. Ladies and Gentlemen like me because most petty affronts don’t get to me. I’m not easily offended, I’m not quick to quarrel and generally, odds are pretty good that after a night of drinking and banter with me, you will not be greeted at the door the next morning by my second, laying out the formalities of the duel we will have later in the day.

But, dear lord, I have pet peeves. Certain behaviors just leave me vexed. Oddly, they all, ALL surround the eating of comestibles. Yes, my peeves surround the consumption of various and sundry foodstuffs. Below I list the top 4 pet peeves. I challenge you to explain why I’m just being a beef-witted puttock, or to defend me. Better yet, fill the below posts with your own pet peeves. Tis a noble thing to vent frustrations on the internet.

Now for my food-borne pet peeves:

  • Chewing gum with your mouth open.  Yes, we are all guilty of this, however that does not absolve you of your responsibilities to your fellow passengers on the omnibus, hansom or tramway. Whenever I see someone chewing vocally, I am reminded of cows, lazily chewing their cud upon the rolling hills and dales of the Cotswolds.  Be less bovine.
  • Rakes and rapscallions who start eating their potato chips before they have fully closed their mouths. The mouth becomes an echo-chamber that blasts the sound of your chip-destruction for miles, like a salivaic alpine yodel. I have such a ‘gentleman’ at my local club. Worse yet, he is a slow eater. I am daily serenaded with his chip cacophony symphony for a hour. I have walked out of Gilbert and Sullivan plays for being that long.
  • People who slurp noodles or soup. Thank God I was in India for the Boxer Rebellion, for I am told the whole of China does this.
  • People who enjoy victual pleasures too much. Do not serenade me with sounds of gustatory pleasure that rival the noises of a Whitechapel Dollymop. I am not fornicating with my sandwich next to you so please spare me the auditory sensations of you taking Arabian delights from your Turkish delight. That new German pastry may indeed be better than sex, but perhaps you should just lie back and think of cricket. Better yet, pretend that God watches you eat, even though we know he’s too busy watching after the English empire to care what you continentals do.

 

What are the little things (or big things) that you really can’t stand?

-Baconcat

The Amazing Redemption of Charlie Davies

The main reason Baconcat loves soccer so much is that it seems, pound for pound, to produce more heroes, villains and goats than any other sport. It also produces them on the world stage. This last world cup (and qualifiers) alone produced strange scenes like Hondurans flooding the streets of the capitol city Tegucigalpa to chant the name of an American player (Jonathan Bornstein), as well as making Luis Suarez the most loved man in Uruguay and the most hated man in Ghana for stopping a sure goal with his hand. Countries have gone to war over the outcomes of these games.

This past Saturday, as I stood in RFK stadium in Washington, DC, to watch my beloved DC United open the season against Columbus, I witnessed another great moment in soccer: the resumption of  Charlie Davies’ once-great career, cut short by tragedy. After all, it was only 18 months ago that I was watching another game at RFK stadium; a world cup qualifier, no-less. It was this game that became known as ‘the Charlie Davies game’. Not because the United States striker scored a hat-trick, or had a dramatic winner, or even played, but because he had almost died the night before in a drunk-driving accident. The night before Charlie had stayed out late partying with friends (in violation of curfew), then got into a car with a drunk driver. It only took a second to ruin 2 lives and end a third. The accident was so severe that when the police arrived they originally thought it had involved two cars. It didn’t, it was just that the car had been cut in half by the impact. Charlie Davies somehow survived, but another passenger wasn’t so lucky and died at the scene. As is often the case with these kinds of accidents, the driver was the least injured.

So the game went on with out him the next day, while he was unconscious and recovering from surgery to repair his lacerated bladder, broken fibula, femur, elbow, cheekbones and bleeding brain. He would later be shown how at the 9th minute of the game he would have certainly started in, thousands of fans lifted up placards with the number 9 on them (his number) in unison.

Photo courtesy of Matt Mathai
Photo courtesy of Matt Mathai

What followed was more surgeries and agonizing physical therapy. His team, Sochaux of France’s top flight, was very patient. They wanted him back, but they didn’t want him to rush. After all, the injuries had been so severe they had to peel his face back in order to reconstruct it. But Charlie was driven. He confidently predicted he would play in the world cup, a mere 9 months away. After all, he was a crucial spark for the men’s national team. His rehab was nothing short of miraculous, but sometimes miracles aren’t enough. The world cup happened without Charlie. The injuries were just too severe. His own Sochaux, knowing how long he would be out, had gotten two new strikers as backup. The new season started and these strikers were keeping Charlie on the bench. Time passed and Charlie’s struggles disappeared from the news. Missing the world cup had been especially tough. 9 months without a game became a year. It began to seem as if his recovery, monumental as it was, might fall short of playing soccer again.

Then, in a move that caught the rumor-happy world of US soccer off guard, he was offered a trial with DC United, a team in need of it’s own redemption. The 4-time MLS champions had just finished a year that had seen the club set records for futility (lowest goals scored in a season) and suffering (lowest points total in their 16 year history). In a rare move, Sochaux allowed DC United a full week to try Davies out before agreeing to a loan. If Davies just didn’t have it anymore, DC could decline the move and pay nothing. The week passed and everyone at DC was exceptionally closed lipped about the trial. Did Davies still have it? Was the confidence there? Davies scored, but it was a practice game against a local college. The week came and went and on the day of the signing there was no news. Rumors swirled, but it looked like he had done enough to make the team. It took another week to sort out the details of the loan, but Charlie had indeed made the squad.

And so it was that last Saturday in the 50th minute of DC United’s season opener, Charlie Davies entered the game as a substitute. His first entry into a game since 2009 almost went unnoticed because the home crowd was celebrating a goal scored 30 seconds before. Most people realized he was in the game only when the announcer broadcast it over the speaker a minute later. The crowd erupted with a cheer. Ten minutes later that eruption would become volcanic. His teammate Chris Pontius took a pass and burst into the penalty box where he was cut down by a defender, a clear penalty. While Pontius was on the ground rubbing his smarting ankle, captain Dax McCarty took the ball to the penalty spot. Davies walked up and asked for the ball. “I need this.” he said. McCarty gave him the ball. Davies set it down on the spot, waited for the referee and slotted it calmly past the keeper.

He had scored. 2-0 DC United.

No matter what happened, he had scored on his first game back since the crash. That was something real, something that could not be taken away. His first meaningful touch since the accident had been a goal. Penalties are never easy. Consider what would have happened if he had missed: the doubting would start. Questions would be asked. But he didn’t miss. It wasn’t in the run of play, but it was just the kind of thing strikers need to build their confidence and lead to more goals.

Another ten minutes later that confidence paid off. United back Marc Burch played a long floating ball down field. Columbus’ standout fullback Chad Marshall (and fellow national team member) seemed to have it under control as the ball came floating in, but Davies made a quick burst to Marshall’s left, then another to the right. Marshall naturally tracked with Davies, but Davies’ motion was too fast and it seemed to fluster Marshall who over-corrected and lost his balance.  As the ball sailed over the prostrate Marshall, Davies deftly stopped it with his left foot and blazed in on goal. The Columbus goalie rushed out to take it, but Davies again showed his speed and burst sideways past him. Davies then twisted his body around to get the shot off and watched with joy as it sped past a Columbus defender and into the open net.  3-0 DC United. There was no containing the joy in the stadium. Full beers flew up into the air as the stands bounced up and down and 20,000 strangers hugged each other. Davies was swarmed at the corner flag by his teammates. The comeback was complete.

Charlie Davies’ 2 goals.

Columbus managed in the late stages to pull a goal back, but they were never in the game. Davies had put the game out of reach for them with his brace. When the whistle for extra time came, a tired but happy Charlie Davies walked towards the fans, toward the section hat had held up the thousands of number 9 cards the day after his accident. He raised his hands to applaud them, a tradition in soccer. There was a smile on his face and tears in his eyes. The fans who had been there for him while he sat prostrate in a hospital bed had been there today. Together, they shared this moment. In soccer, as Liverpool fans sing, you never walk alone.

Crass Fiction: The 7:03

Author’s note: Baconcat loves Gothic horror. He loves it for the atmosphere and the over the top lurid descriptions (oh, the Victorians, what wonderful hypocrite prudes they were!). However, if you don’t, you’ll probably want to skip this one.

 

Okay, you’ve been forewarned.

The 7:03

The blast of the train’s steam whistle ripped through the snowstorm and told Hannah she had guessed correctly. The sound emanated no more than 30 yards directly in front of her. The snowfall was so thick that when she fled her house only a few minutes ago she was forced to lay trust in only her feet to guide her to the train station. But her feet had run true, taking steps they had taken perhaps a thousand times before. Now, with only a few more steps she would be aboard the train and free of her dreadful pursuers. She wondered, if only for a moment, if she had truly been able to escape them. But if she had heard the whistle, they heard the whistle. Were she to make the train though, there would be safety in numbers.

How horrible the demons that forced her from her home had been!  She imagined her pursuers’ blackened hands grasping at her, the greasy flesh falling off in terrible chunks, the sooty tallow leaving streaked stains on her dress. So nightmarish was this thought that she failed to see the step to the train platform and fell over it, almost spilling the little money purse clutched desperately in her hand. ’30 dollars.’ she whispered instinctively, as if by speaking it aloud she guaranteed its safety. 30 dollars was not much, but it would be enough for her to start a new life in Cleveland, maybe even Chicago. It was all her father had to his name. All of his savings, and yet only five minutes ago he had pressed it so willingly and firmly into her hand while he shuttled her out back door of the only home she had ever known.

“Just please go, child!” he said while pushing her reluctant body out into the cold night. He hadn’t even had time to tell her he loved her before the mob knocked down the front door. “Just go!” he cried as he ran to bar the kitchen door and buy his only child a few more precious seconds to flee. Just then, in the moment the front door had fallen, she’d seen the demons again leading the charge; Their burnt faces turned in a permanent toothy death smile, their white bones peeking through the torn and scarred skin as they forced their way through the house and slammed against the kitchen door. Hannah took one last look at her father mustering all the strength his 58 year old frame could manage to hold back the door, and then she turned and stumbled blindly into the raging storm.

The whistle blew again as Hannah ran down the platform, racing for the train. As she boarded the train, she heard the desperate cries of her pursuers. They too had reached the platform, but devil be damned, they were too late! The train was already pulling out of the station. Even if they got aboard, they couldn’t hurt her here; not on a train, not with all the passengers for witnesses. In the town she may be a pariah, but here on a train full of strangers, she was an unknown damsel in distress. The demons could not touch her here.

She found her way into the cabin and fell into the first available seat. Even though the seats were the uncomfortable wood and wrought iron benches of coach class, the cabin was warm, being heated by the coal fired oven, and she was so tired and relieved to be free of them that she drifted into a dream filled sleep.

Her sweet, departed mother came to mind first. She had been so beautiful! While she was alive all had been well in their small town. Her father had been happy then, for he considered himself the luckiest man alive. Having reached 40 with no mate, he had resigned himself to a life of solitude. Yet, when he met Hannah’s mother on a supply trip to Boston, he knew within an instant that he would marry her. It didn’t matter that she was a poor immigrant daughter and he a successful shopkeeper, nor that he was twice her age. After only a day, he offered her work in his general store. She agreed and took the long carriage ride back with him without a second thought. By the time they arrived in his small town, they were in love. They were married in a short ceremony and within a year, Hannah arrived.

Next stop Garvey.”

Perhaps Hannah had always had the gift. Perhaps not, but what is certain is that her first recollection of the ability was her mother’s death. Hannah had seen the mark on her mother that day. It was clear as day to Hannah, the dark blue band across her mother’s neck. Not knowing what it was, the premonition confused her. Here was her mother in her Sunday best, and yet she was caked in mud. Being only four, she asked her mother why she would wear muddy clothing to go to church? Her mother thought Hannah was playing a child’s game with her and scolded her. She remembered that; her mother had been cross with her. And yet, her mother was sweet-natured, and not one to hold a grudge. By the time service ended, she had forgiven Hannah, even though the child still insisted that she was wearing soiled clothes.

For three days Hannah watched her mother come downstairs wearing clothing caked in mud. And each time there was the same deep blue band across her neck. For three days she would ask her mother why she wore muddy clothes and for three days her mother sighed and her father told her it was not polite to make fun. It wasn’t until the 4th day that the visions made sense. That was the day Mr. Watkin’s carriage became unbuckled and rolled free down the hill. Her mother never even saw it. It pushed her into the mud in the middle of the street and the wagon wheel passed right over her neck. From there on in, father believed in her visions. How could he not? Was the bruise of the wagon wheel not exactly where Hannah had shown him?

The loss was hard on both of them, but they had each other, and together they survived. Her father was sad, but he was kind and loving. And though he had lost his wife, he had her daughter. Life began to return to normal.

“Next stop Wickham Green.”

For a while, things settled in again. But then the war between the states broke out and Hannah began seeing them again. For the week before he left to join the union, Parson Williams’ boy had a deep gash down the length of his neck. He was killed by a cavalryman in a skirmish. Joseph and Ira Collins had multiple bullet holes in their Sunday best. They were both killed at Pickett’s charge.  Ambrose Mueller was missing a head. And when she saw Clinton Smith, or what was left of him, the sight was so terrifying that she screamed every time he came into her father’s store.

Her father had always liked Clinton and felt it was his duty to tell him of his daughter’s premonition. Clinton was so terrified that he fled the draft and ran away to New York City. He was blown to pieces by a naval cannon during the draft riots of ‘63.

From then on out things deteriorated in the village. Clinton’s mother believed it was Hannah who had killed her son through some sort of magic and she spread the story Clinton had told her throughout the town. Hannah’s father laughed at first, but as she kept predicting and people kept dying, it became harder and harder to laugh.

“Next Stop Ashtabula, Ohio.”

The war ended, as all wars do, and if things didn’t exactly return to normal, they at least became less hostile. But even without war, accidents happen: threshers break, carriages flip, horses panic, guns explode. Hannah kept them to herself, sharing only the occasional comment for her father. “Old Schaeffer is going to die soon.” Most importantly Hannah resigned herself to the fate of not being able to change the outcomes. After all, they died if she said nothing and they died if she warned them. She became used to the sights of the mangled bodies. None of them were that terrible, and more importantly, they had a sort of benevolent peace to them. If she envisioned farmer Schaeffer with a broken neck, he was still farmer Schaeffer, he still spoke kindly words to her on Sunday, even if they came out of a very sideways head.

But a full 11 years after the war she saw a horrible vision, one altogether worse than Clinton Smith. In fact, it had been so horrible that when the two demons (for there was no other word for them) entered the Church on that cold morning, she fainted dead away.

Hannah rustled in her sleep as the train left the station. Though she tried to push the memory of the demons from her mind, she could not. They were townspeople no doubt, but so badly burnt that they were unrecognizable. When they walked into the church that morning, she saw the greasy black stains they left in their wake, she saw the flesh drip and fall off their legs. And their eyes, their hideous eyes were vacant of eyeballs, black and oozing, and yet, because this was only a vision, they still seemed to look at you, though they had nothing to look with.

Fainting in the church was apparently the straw that broke the camel’s back. While Hannah recuperated at home, a mob formed. When she awoke that night, she heard the voice of Bill Tilghman talking in the hall outside her room.

“No, you’ve got to go now, James. They won’t wait two weeks.”

“But she’s my daughter!”

“They are coming tonight. They are coming and they are going burn her! That scene in the church- it- well, it was enough.”

It was during their preparations to leave that the mob had come. Her mind drifted back to the purse. ’30 dollars.’ Se mumbled as she clutched the purse in her sleep.

“Just please go.” Her father’s last words.

And again in her dream she saw the faces of the two as they barged through her father’s door. Two evil skulls the color of onyx. Two scarred and burnt men with hate in their hearts and black deeds on their minds. She had escaped them. Even if they were here on the train now, they could not hurt her. She had escaped them. She had escaped.

The train jostled as it slowly pushed through the snowfall and inched its way across the bridge. The conductor, not expecting the quake shifted clumsily and bumped into Hannah. Perhaps to cover his mistake, he asked her for her ticket. Hannah awoke and as she wiped the sleep from her eyes she looked up to him. His face was completely sheared off and in its place a grisly mask of blood and muscle remained. He put his hand forward and she could see it was badly burnt, so burnt that it was barely recognizable. Hannah shrieked, causing the passengers in the cabin to turn to look at her. Their faces were all burnt too. Some were without heads. Others had heads, but were contorted in the most unnatural way.  She covered her eyes to hide the hideous sight, but the sights still came through, as if her hands were not there. She pulled them down from her eyes and saw that they too were burnt, so badly destroyed that only charred bones existed where once there had been flesh and blood.

Suddenly Hannah understood the meaning of the visions.

She let out a bloodcurdling scream but it was drowned out by the blast of the steam whistle on the number 2 engine. The events foretold in her vision were already in motion, and past the point of no return. Three cars up, the first engine had just passed over the broken bridge trestle causing it to give way. The engineer of the second engine gave one final blast of the steam whistle as it uncoupled from the lead engine and plunged into the abyss below. From the other side of the bridge, the #1 Engineer could only weep and stare on helplessly as each car, in turn, plunged off the gap, down into the burning wreckage below.

-Baconcat

Lost Wax: So Red The Rose (1985)

After skewering a sacred cow with my first ever salvo for Crasstalk, I thought I’d change tack and praise Caesar instead of bury him. Music makes me happy, and I’d love to share what I consider lost, under-appreciated or misunderstood works from great bands. Hopefully, if y’all like it, I could make this a semi-regular thing. With that in mind, the goal of Lost Wax will be to introduce or re-introduce you to songs and albums that time has forgotten. So here are the prerequisites:

It has to be:

  1. a song or an album
  2. panned at the time of its release or critically ignored
  3. due a modern reevaluation

Enjoy!

 

Lost Wax: So Red The Rose (1985)

Cocaine is a terrible drug for musicians. It is possible to work through a healthy heroin addiction and still make an album like, say, Transformer. LSD can lead to some beautiful experimentation, and some truly awful, terrible album covers (Tarkus, Emerson, Lake & Palmer), but cocaine just turns people into assholes and songs into overproduced covers of Bang a Gong.

Tarkus! Ahhh!!! What the fuck is that thing?!?!

When two of the three Taylors in Duran Duran (Andy and John) left to join Robert Palmer, Tony Thompson and a mountain of coke and hookers (not really) to form Power Station in 1985, this left remaining members Simon Le Bon and Nick Rhodes with a critical shortage of Taylors. But instead of panicking, grabbing Chuck and Meshach Taylor and soldiering on as Duran Duran 2.0, messrs. Rhodes, Le Bon and Roger Taylor felt free to indulge in whatever atmospheric flight of fancy their frosted little hearts desired. That flight of fancy turned out to be a band called Arcadia, whose sole output was 1985’s beautiful, strange So Red The Rose.

I know what you’re thinking, it’s a bit of a cheat to choose this album for Lost Wax. It wasn’t a bomb (it went platinum), it wasn’t panned, it put 2 songs in the US top 40 and it contained 3/5th of what was arguably one of the biggest acts in the world at that time. And yet, the album has been largely cast off as just another indulgence from members of a band that had already peaked and was still years away from reinventing itself as the ‘Come Undone’ Duran of the 90’s.

On the face of it, ‘overindulgent’ would seem to fit. The album is as heavily overproduced as Duran Duran’s previous album, Seven And The Ragged Tiger (both were produced by Alex Sadkin), complete with the requisite electric drum kits, keyboards and Cor Anglais one would expect of the mid-80s, and there are more guest appearances on this album than a disaster telethon. Sting, Grace Jones, Herbie Hancock, Carlos Alomar, Andy Mackay and David Gilmour all have a hand in this work. The album art is a lurid mix of Anime, Flamenco and S&M. The songs have titles like ‘El Diablo’, ‘Goodbye Is Forever’ and ‘Lady Ice’. Yes, all the pieces are there for this album to be a train wreck and the apex of mid-80s pretentious excess.

What we get instead is a twisted, dark, mysterious fairy tale, more a musical than album. Listened front to back, a story emerges, something akin to a farm boy coming to the big sinful, corrupt city only to become involved with good women, bad women and the Devil. It’s pretty clear someone wants to screw him, kill him, steal his soul or do all three.

So Red The Rose opens with perhaps the album’s most famous song (and also its only bona fide hit, reaching #6 in the US singles chart), Election Day. With its driving mechanical beat and moody lyrics about ‘shadows and subways’ and entire cities being slaves to a mistress (not to mention Grace Jones sounding like she is ready to raise welts), it delivers an opening number that Sweeney Todd would be proud of.

Listen:  Arcadia – Election Day

The next few tracks modulate between the sweet, bouncy, and upbeat sound of Keep Me In The Dark and the bombastic, black humor of The Flame. The real winner of the album, though, is Missing, the ‘A’ side closer (remember when Albums had such a thing?) which is full of a melancholy and grief that boy bands aren’t supposed to possess.

The B side opens with The Promise, probably the only real clunker on the album, what with its over the top lyrics like ‘The hungry make their stand when they’ll stand for no more’ and Sting’s breathy backup singing, but then everything returns to form with El Diablo, which has far better lyrics (‘only the brightest shine, but not forever’). It’s a fun take on your typical Faustian deal with the Devil, and it ends with the protagonist ruing his fate while Nick Rhodes’ keyboards make a sound similar to a fun house ride spinning out of control.

No Faustian bargain here: Time makes Shatners of us all, Mr. LeBon

The album ends with Lady Ice, not the best track on the album, but a song that is courteous enough to leave the ending to the story ambiguous.

So there you have it. So Red The Rose owes more to the Duran Duran of The Chauffeur than of The Reflex, but this is a good thing. Darker, meaner and more melancholy than anything else Duran Duran (under any name) ever did, this album could really be considered their Blood And Chocolate, if that conceit weren’t the most pretentious fucking thing ever.

And now, here’s a bonus for you all for getting to the bottom: The Russell Mulcahy directed video for The Flame.

Arcadia – The Flame – YouTube

-Baconcat

‘Goodbye, Mr. Chips’ – A 72 Year Old Movie Review

‘Goodbye, Mr. Chips’ (1939) Robert Donat, Greer Garson
D. Sam Wood

The Oscars ended last Sunday and in doing so, brought the month of Smarch to a close. Smarch is that 31 day month (with lousy weather) between February and March. While February is famous for St. Groundhog’s Day, when thousands of lovers emerge from their winter burrows to see if they are going to have 6 more weeks of sex; and March is famous for killing Caesar, Smarch is famous for 31 days of Oscar on Turner Classic Movies.

This event is greeted with much rejoicing in the Baconcat household. Both Mr. and Mrs. Baconcat are rabid fans of the classics. Every Smarch the DVR quickly fills up with oft-quoted and much beloved favorites like Casablanca, The African Queen and The Lion in Winter.

BACONCATS!
Mr. and Mrs. Baconcat take a break from solving hilarious crimes to eat 35 eggs.

Most of these films count as a fond trip down memory lane for us, but just occasionally there will appear a classic (Oscar worthy no less!) in the list that we haven’t seen. These moments of newness are precious things. They are special one-time only events like the birth of a first child or a Male-Male-Female threesome.

This year TCM’s crop produced a doozie for us: Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1939) based on the novel by James Hilton. Not only was this a film neither of us had seen, but it was a bona-fide Oscar powerhouse, not one of those ‘Oscar’ films TCM tends to barf up as space filler with dubious Oscar claims like a solitary  nomination for best film editing (I’m looking at you On The Beach). No, here was a film that was nominated for Best Director, Best Picture and Best Actress in a Leading role, and a film that won Robert Donat the Best Actor statue over a field that included Jimmy Stewart (Mr. Smith Goes to Washington), Sir Laurence Olivier (Wuthering Heights), Mickey Rooney (Babes in Arms) and Clark Gable (Gone With The Motherfucking Wind). To top it off it had the delicious and fun Greer Garson as second billing.

The plot is pretty simple: Via flashbacks it tells the story of Mr. Chipping’s (‘Chips’) life as a teacher at the prestigious English Brookfield Institute. From his first arrival at age 22 to his death, the movie chronicles his struggles, loves and losses within the walls of the venerable institution. Over the years he teaches the kids, who grow up and their kids come to Brookfield and so on for several generations. It was for this portraying of a Mr. Chips in the spring, summer and autumn of his life that won Robert Donat the academy award. And there is where my problem with the film began.

In the film Donat portrays Chips at four periods of his life: 22, mid 40’s, mid 60’s and mid 80’s. He does fine with Chips as a young man, and also with Chips at 40 (since he was roughly the same age) but Donat’s idea of acting old is putting on a mark twain mustache, mussing his hair and shuffling around muttering the same phrases over and over again in a high-pitched codger voice. He’s one flatulence joke away from being an Eddie Murphy character. Unfortunately, most of the movie is from this period.

Chips are called 'Crisps' in England, except for this dude.
Robert Donat at the exact moment he realized a mustache would make him look older.

Ahoy!  Spoilers be ahead matey.

As I watched, I kept thinking ‘When is Greer Garson gonna show up’? The answer is not until a third of the way through the film (and a third of the way up a mountaintop). She then proceeds to marry Mr. Chips, make him trim his mustache and teaches him that children will like him more (and come over to his house unescorted) if he bribes them with cake. Then, she dies during childbirth. It was at this point that I turned to Mrs. Baconcat and asked:

“When did she have time to get pregnant?”
“Perhaps it was the one time they kissed?” She replied. “That’s how Victorians got pregnant you know.”

So that’s it for Greer Garson. The excellent and underused Paul Heinreid has more screen time than her. But this fits a disturbing theme I noticed about the movie: this is a sausage fest. There’s a creepily high level of man on boy spanking and caning. There are also heartfelt, tender handshakes and prolonged eye-gazing amongst the men. Plus lots of butch men in uniforms.

What unkempt hair! How old he is!
Mark Twain once famously said: “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco watching ‘Goodbye, Mr. Chips’.

The rest of the film is basically Chips learning that though his wife was fun and all, he really, really loves the boys of the school and he is meant to instruct them. And then the movie ends, except it doesn’t. Like a successive level of baddies in a Bond film that must be killed before you can get to the final credits, Chips goes through level after level of events that would qualify for most filmgoers as end-worthy: First, he retires. Then he comes back to be headmaster for the duration of WWI. Then he retires again in 1918. Then he wakes up in 1933 and has a talk with a young student named Colley (the 4th such Colley kid to come through the halls of Brookfield), and then, FINALLY, he dies in bed.

But even his death isn’t the end. First, we have the death itself which ends with him fading out whilst mumbling a very NAMBLA-esque ramble about how he had ‘thousands and thousands of boys’, and then if that wasn’t enough, we get to experience his last fleeting memory which is literally a parade of young boys capped off by young master Colley in more eyeliner than a Bollywood star pulling off a ‘cheesecake’ turn and bidding Mr. Chips adieu.

Even this was not the end, because they remade this film three more times. I think in an alternate universe I am still watching this film.

I kinda want the hat.
Goodbye, Mr. Chips! Don’t worry, Colley is in good hands

-Baconcat