How we doing out there? Everybody doing all right? Don’t worry, we can get through this. The week is almost over. I think it is fairly obvious that The Grand Inquisitor knows nothing about celebrity news, but here is my own salute to Liz Taylor.
Damn, what a righteous broad. Have a wonderful day.
Welcome to CrassGossip for our first Holy Day of Obligation.
Before we get to the comings, goings of mere mortals, we must stop and pay tribute
to one of the OG HBICs:
Elizabeth Taylor
For this tribute you will need:
Black eyeliner, a trophy, your trusty AIDS awareness ribbon and a bottle of the best champagne you can afford.
white diamonds/White Diamonds are optional.
First, apply your eyeliner, Cleopatra-style:
Next, grab your trophy and savor a moment of personal triumph in the nearest mirror.
Finally, tie on your AIDS ribbon and remember the woman who publicly stood up for AIDS patients and raised a ton of cash for the cause, while most of the world was still treating victims like deviant lepers
Now, take your champagne and in classic gangsta fashion, take a drink and then pour one out for Elizabeth Taylor.
R.I.P. OG. H.B.I.C.
May we all be blessed enough to spit in the eye of convention and tha haterz and live and love in the manner of this fantastic woman.
Now, on to the lesser mortals.
Ugh.
The Kardashian-with-a-penis had emergency surgery after complaining about his appendix, probably on Twitter. TMZ
Jessie Spano is outed for doing outreach work for teenage girls on the DL. I have a question for Ask Elizabeth! Does Kyle MacLachlan groom his scrotum hair?
Tom Hanks is suing J.B. Goldman Insurance for embezzlement. Seriously? What kind of asshole steals from Tom “Forrest Gump-actually-seems-like-kind-of-a-jerk-in-comparison-to-the-actor-who-plays-him” Hanks? That guy seems so fucking nice he’d probably give you the money and accompany it with a nice bottle of wine, if you asked. (Tom, if you are reading, I could really use tuition money for next year. Also, I like red.) Popeater
Rebecca Black you are not just a terrible singer but also an awful fucking fameball excuse for a human. I nominate her as the Official Crasstalk Enemy #1. Perez
Shania Twain has apparently lost the ability to sing. I consider this a fair punishment for that duet with Miley Cyrus’ dad. Huffington Post
Times up for Lindsay! Like so, so many other things I barely have a fuck to give about the fate of this…person? (Does she even really meet the requirements for person hood anymore? Is there any actual “there” there?) but I do love inappropriate-for-court fashion, so I guess if I have to root for something in such situations I am on Team Trial. Perez
In Fucking Awesome News:
The sweater Jeff Bridges wore in The Big Lebowski is being auctioned off. My birthday is in June Crasstalkers. If there are any hidden trust fund kids out there, consider this an easy way to satisfy your philanthropic requirements for the year. Buy me this sweater!
In Woman Beater News:
The oozing open sore, commonly known as “Michael Lohan” beat the shit out of girlfriend Kate Major. Allegedly.
Charlie Sheen definitely NOT coming back to 2.5 Men. TMZ
ABC is not pressing charges against Chris Brown for yesterday’s violent outburst on the set of GMA. Interviewer Robin Roberts has also invited him back on the show.
