They say that you hurt the ones you love, which is clearly why I’m doing this to you in the middle of a Corktown café. Listen, I know it’s been hard for you lately. Your cousin got burnt and thrown into the gutter and your sister disappeared. I get it, but you know what? Well..You know? Fuck it. Fuck you. Why the fuck am I being an apologist? You hurt the ones you love? Please. I’ve never loved you. You produce nothing but crap. I mean, sure, you’ve got a little bit of energy and you can occasionally be satisfying, but I’m not looking for little bits and occasionallys, you know? That’s just not the kind of guy I am. You’re not as complex as you think you are. Oh for fuck’s sake stop crying. You’re making a scene. Do I have to throw this coffee in your face to make you shut up? People are beginning to stare. Am I just going to have to slather you in butter and slowly gnash on your epidermis? Is that some sort of psychosexual fetish I should be getting checked out? Does it matter? Oh, don’t give me that look. It’ll be over fast.
Continue reading
AssembledWrong
54 posts
Barbie™, as you are all aware, is a serially unemployed torturer, an egomaniac, a clinical narcissist (though, we suppose, egomania and narcissism go hand in hand), and a witch doctor who has cast our beloved Ken™ under her spell time and time again. German, too!
Barbie™’s Dream House™ was once a fairly staid, suburban affair, but sometime in the go-go 80s, at the height of her egomania, she moved into a pink mansion in Malibu™, just mere doors down from her arch-nemesis, Lisa Lionheart™. But that wasn’t good enough for her! After a few years off from Ken™, they reunited in February and she’s decided she needs something a little bit more modern. Let’s take a look: Continue reading
There comes a time in every person’s life in which they must forgive those who have hurt them in the past for any wrongdoing. It’s different for everyone, but, in this particular case, we must forgive The New York Times for every far-too-late trend piece, every fawning profile and Vows, not to mention the actual unsavory offenses (Iraq, Jayson Blair etc.). With one line, one simple little sentence, one perfect little lede, everything is right: Continue reading
Have you heard? All the young hip children (the hipsters, as we believe they’re called) are sporting beards these days! Is that a good thing? Alex Williams, the man who once told us that the verb ‘curate‘ is now meant for food stands and burlesque clubs, has the answer, but first, let’s go over how ubiquitous the beard has become:
Continue reading
Forget the debt ceiling! You know what’s really going to have global repercussions? Germany’s hatred of foie gras. The French™ are enraged like a Montmarte whore who’s missed her period now that some German food fair has banned their most precious foodstuff. Why, it’s like banning German sausage in France, they say! It’s a scandal! Le shock! Le awe! E tu Bardot? Porquois!? Porquois!?
Why is this such an economic blow? Germany eats 170 tons of bird liver a year. Wow. We don’t even know what to say to that.
Photo: 123rf
The State of Employment: Too bad suckers! If you don’t have a job already, you’re never going to get one because employers only want the employable and the employable are already employed (but, like, they’ll settle for someone who got laid off on, like, Thursday at the earliest).
“I feel like I am being shunned by our entire society,” said Kelly Wiedemer, 45, an information technology operations analyst who said a recruiter had told her that despite her skill set she would be a “hard sell” because she had been out of work for more than six months.
Press any key to continue*.
Continue reading
BEGIN TRANSMISSION Continue reading
I don’t believe that art has meaning and I don’t believe that it should. What I do believe is that the purpose of art is to create an experience and to tell a story (or convey an idea), but, again, I don’t like to believe in the story (or idea) as told by the artist (with the exception being biblical paintings) because I like to stretch my mind a bit. It’s cheating to just take the description on a placard at face value. Won’t you join me as I participate in one of my greatest pastimes? Let’s devise book summaries in the Contemporary Art department of The Detroit Institute of Art!
Continue reading
Each day we open up our digital copy of The New York Times and mock it (and ourselves) for its absurdity. Today we learn that Ellis Island is so over and reaffirm that The French™ are a silly people.
Continue reading