In the musical theater world, there is the legend of Carrie: The Musical. Yes, I said Carrie: the Musical. It was an ill-conceived piece that showed up on Broadway in the ‘80’s and didn’t make it out of previews. It left people agog, and theater queens to this day are still talking about it. Here’s a clip! Since then, theatergoers have been seeking out the next Carrie, for the lulz. Many people thought Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark was going to raise the bar for flops. That being said, what’s playing now at the Foxwoods theater isn’t a flop, and seems to have enough staying power to stick around, for better or for worse. Continue reading
Broadway
3 posts
A new series detailing the struggles and triumphs of being an actor in NYC.
How can I meet an actor?
1.) Go to a restaurant. The end.
Ok! I met one, now what?
Here are some quick guidelines about what not to do when talking to actors:
1.) Don’t suggest they act on Broadway- This will show your ignorance immediately. Acting in NY is extremely competitive, and it’s very near impossible to make a living wage by acting alone. The people who do nothing but act are generally on Broadway or in commercials. (We’re talking about the myriad of anonymous actors here, not John Hamm) Asking your waiter an actor why they don’t just try for a Broadway play is akin to asking the mail clerk why they don’t they just try to be CEO? There is a long, painful process to getting on Broadway (unless you are in a famous theater family. See: Zoe Kazan)
2.) If a woman says she’s an actor, don’t correct her and say “Isn’t it actress?”* Look, I understand that the -ess ending signifies gender (lioness,hostess) but a female actor is an actor. A female writer is not a writress, a female doctor is not a doctress, and I see no reason why there should be a signifier that I am, in fact, a woman. My boobs do that for me. Plus it’s just rude in general to correct someone when they’re speaking. *This may only be true when dealing with me.
3.) Just because someone acts, does not mean they will preform for you this instant. Also known as “no, I’m not necessarily amazing at Charades.” Most of the actors I know take their craft very seriously. They have probably gone to school for it, and have read multiple theories on how to approach a role, and have spent countless hours trying to perfect their craft. Acting can be incredibly personal, and to ask “well act something for me” can sound like “tell me your deepest darkest secret, and then I’m going to judge you mercilessly”.” We are not monkeys, we don’t (and often can’t) perform on demand. Also, doing Shakespeare is in no way the same as trying to get someone to guess “As Wichita Falls, So Falls Wichita Falls” and to assume so makes you look stupid.
It should be noted here that I am, in fact, excellent at Charades and will challenge anyone here to a game and win. But I do not represent all actors.
4.) Don’t ask about that audition. According to Them (the internet or someone) actors face more rejection in 1 year than most people face in their lifetime. If you are friends with an actor, chances are they’ve told you about a big audition they have coming up. If you haven’t gotten a call from them saying “I got the part! I’m playing a zombie in Scary Movie 7!” they probably didn’t get it. Most of the time, actors will know within a few days whether they got the part. If it’s been 2 weeks and you just remembered they had that audition and you haven’t heard how it went, do. not. ask. They didn’t get it, and now you’re only forcing them to say, yet again, “No, I didn’t get it. I’m still stuck serving tuna tar tar to assholes. I hate my life.” This rule also applies to the internet. NEVER NEVER ask about auditions on Facebook. The theater community is small, and it’s probable that they may be friends with casting directors,writers, and directors and writing on their wall “I heard about your audition! I bet you get the part!” can be awkward. I’m looking at you grandma, cut it out.
5.) Don’t ask what “type” of acting they do. Actors act. We may have a specialized skill, such as musical theater, or Shakespeare, or Reconstruction Era comedies, but we all perform. And while acting on television or in film is in fact a completely different approach than stage, it’s not as if an actor who studied Shakespeare is going to turn down being on How I Met Your Mother. Do you know why? Because that’s where the money is. All of the money. And while there may be the rogue actor out there who would never sacrifice their art in exchange for grocery money, they are rare and should be shunned.
6.) Don’t ask “how did you learn all of those lines?” This one is really easy. Would you ask a physicist how they learned about math? No, because then you would be a doofus and no one here is a doofus. Learning lines is the most basic function of acting. There is so much more to acting than learning lines. I could write an entire book on it, and in fact many have. On Amazon (use the crasstalk link!) there are 1,477 paperback books discussing the techniques of acting. None of them will reference learning lines as the be all end all to perfecting your craft.
Okay Negative Norma, now I’m afraid to say anything at all. What can I talk about?
A list of what actors love to talk about:
- Themselves
- Recent shows they’ve seen
- Where they went to school
- The art of acting (i.e. how do you prepare for a role?, what sort of characters do you like to play?)
- Mad Men
- The Sopranos
And most importantly: Anything not involving acting. We are creatures passionate about many things, like basketball, or chocolate. Actors like to talk about acting only up to a certain point, and then it’s time to remember that hey, actors are people too (sort of) and have interests outside of their job.
So go forth! Tip your waiter 20%, and always remember it’s “break a leg!” not “good luck!”
By DahlELama and The_Obvious
As you guys know, we generally write posts about what famous people are up to these days. However, our observations of our audience have led us to the realization that you guys like cats way more than you like people, and in honor of April Fool’s Day, we’re going to pretend that we do too! So grab your playbill and follow along as we look at what became of the stars of the musical Cats!
Bustopher Jones is not skin and bones, in fact he’s remarkably fat. Jones always had a healthy appetite for fame and food, living the high life on gaudy St. James Street and gorging on everything in sight. As time passed, Jones’s girth grew and his friends disappeared, and so did all traces of his fame. Desperate to remain in the spotlight, he fired his agent and appeared on Maury, MTV’s Fat Camp, and his own E! True Hollywood Story Bustopher Jones Fat Cat: From Highballs to Hairballs. He is currently in contract negotiations for his own show on TLC.
Mr. Mistoffelees (stage name) was a scrappy kitten, duping tourists into games of 3 Card Monte on the corner with his fast-talking, charming persona. Possessing a natural gift for sleight-of-hand card tricks, Mistoffelees made enough money to purchase his first magic kit. He worked his way up from magician’s assistant, to opening act, to being named his species’ David Copperfield. His future was bright until one fateful day when his assistant showed up to work drunk. A true professional, Mistoffelees knew the show must go on and climbed into the box to be sawed in half. The lights were dimmed, the music dramatic, and his assistant: pie-faced. The screams were deafening, the sight horrific, blood was everywhere! Mr. Mistoffelees was cut in half, unable to be put back together, Me-OUCH! Being able to eat with your front half and use the litter box with your back half at the same time? Now that’s magic!
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer continued to grow closer as the show went on, but some might say they got a little too close. When the dancing cat burglars’ trademark “double windmill” move turned into a mutual blowing of raspberries on each other’s genitalia, they were promptly fired from the show. Left without any source of income, the frisky felines used the skills they acquired on set to become moderately successful cat burglars. However, their renewed success was short-lived, thanks to their poor choice of a getaway driver known to the public only as “Toonces.” The threesome was last seen flying to party with Thelma and Louise.
Jennyanydots was a grade-A bitch with an inflated ego. She had a harem of suitors bringing her the finest dead pigeons the city had to offer and a gang of loyal subjects who laughed at her every joke and never dared to correct her. One day, her frienemy Fetchin’ Weiners (she went by her full name, because Jenny told her to “stop trying to make ‘Fetch’ happen”) noticed Jenny’s dots looked a little peculiar and recommended Jenny check it out with Dr. Ratsgotra but she refused. How could somebody so beautiful be sick? As time passed, Jenny’s health declined but she chalked it up to impure catnip and the bird flu. Unable to take it any longer, Weiners took her to the hospital and Jenny was diagnosed with bacterial meowengitis. Sadly, it was too late for medicine, and Jenny passed away due to her own hubris.
Bombalurina did her best to claw (pun!) her way back to the top after the demise of Cats by sleeping with every eligible tom in Hollywood, but a brutal rejection by Bob Barker that led her to have her spaying reversed in revenge proved to be her downfall. Bombalurina now lives in an alley behind Sears with four of her seven litters, and rumor has it that even Richard Gere won’t return her calls.
Grizabella, the former glamour puss, led a full life before her final role in Cats. Her sad story began when she was a beautiful young kitten, eager for the spotlight, and left home to head to New York after getting a ride from a shady country boy. Alone and scared, Griz almost gets hit by a cab (the yellow ones don’t stop) and is taken in by Molly, an exotic dancer who performs for a real bunch of dogs. Out of funds, Grizabella tags along with Molly and shakes all 8 of her nipples for money using the stage name “Fursace.” But dancing gets old fast, and Griz is tired of playing second fiddle to Molly… so she pushes her down the stairs, and although Molly naturally lands on her feet, Fursace is fur-fired. In a last-ditch effort to resurrect her career, she auditioned for Cats and was thrilled to get the part, but the fame proved to be too much for Grizabella, and she lost her part–and her career–when she got addicted to catnip. She currently turns tricks for nip-money and lives in a box living vicariously through her memory.
Old Deuteronomy was actually already pretty old when the show started in 1982 so, you can probably guess what happened there. Yup, freak Razor scooter accident.
DahlELama and The_Obvious are clearly not cat people, but they do enjoy Cat Cookies from Trader Joe’s. However, they do not condone any violence against cats and hope they did not trigger any painful memories. They would also like to recommend that you use “safe search” when looking for pictures of cats. There are some things that can not be unseen.