Lauren

650 posts
Lauren "AKA Spirit Fingers" likes to talk about entertainment, politics, the news, the world, you know, the awesome stuff that makes us say, "Holy Crap! That's crazy...but I love it." Got a message, a writing gig, or need a freelancer? Email me at: [email protected] or find me here @CrassLauren.

Mitt Romney Shows His Hand And It’s Filled With Money!

Well, apparently, now whenever Mitt Romney speaks we can pretty much expect a carafe of gold bars and silver spoons to come flying out his blustery jaws. He’s like a robotic fountain made of money! Would that make him an ATM? Perhaps! But he’s not giving you anything, you pitiless peasants! Know why? He pays a lower tax rate than you do because he’s a rich, sultan of immense wealth who’s found a way to take advantage of every tax break that exists in federal policy. Basically, old Mittens, sees you standing there in your sensible shoes and dystopian misery and comes along with a platinum-coated battering ram and knocks all you ingrates into the sea. He is the Mormonator.

Kiss his ring you supplicants. Continue reading →

Coming Attractions: Friends With Kids or That Circle of Life Garbage

Well, here we go. This is something. Now, if you’re going to do an ensemble movie and you’re not striving to be Woody Allen, because yawr, King Ensemble, or taking the low road and attempting to be Gary Marshall, he of the abominable movie turd monsters, Valentine’s Day, and its sizable tumor of a sister, New Year’s Eve, than perhaps you want to keep it small and manageable with a movie about six friends, their kids, and some other perfunctory love crap thrown in. Could a monkey make this movie? Maybe. Will it be good? Depends. Continue reading →

Coming Attractions: Kate Hudson Tries to Raise Hellen A Little Bit of Heaven

Remember 2004 when Kate Hudson was that plucky, scowly, little rosy cheeked spawn-of-Hawn cherub? Yes, her movies were a cutesy explosion of sweatpants and Häagen-Dazs girly fluff-porn. Yeah, well, fast forward eight years to a horrible economy, and an Emma Stone and Jessica Chastain world later, and Kate here is still flopping around holding on to that rom-com branch for all she’s worth. Continue reading →

Brian Williams and Gawker Media Confab on Lana Del Rey, Weekend Coverage, and Email Etiquette?

We can all pretty much agree that Brian Williams is probably the most farking awesome newscaster ever in life. Not only is he cut from the anchorman wool that dates back to the beginning of television time, but he’s also a jokester, a prankster, and a quick-witted smart guy who’s just as adept discussing the current events of the day as he is sitting on a couch trading barbs with Jon Stewart. So it’s not a huge surprise that he’s a fan of Gawker.com.

That being said, when Brian wants to offer a little constructive criticism, be prepared for things to get hilarious. Continue reading →

Introducing the MLK Day of Sale

As we celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day, some of us may ponder what his legacy to our country and by extension our world should be. How do we honor a man who is more than a figure of the civil rights movement, and an advocate for nonviolence, but a symbol of racial discourse in this country and around the world whose impact transcends the era in which he lived, and to that end, an observance of who we should strive to be in the way in which we respect, honor, and treat each other domestically and globally?

Should we honor him and his message within the sale pages of our local retailer? Continue reading →

Jersey Shore Recap: The Ballad of Vinny Guadagnino

We’ve known from the very beginning that the Jersey Shore was just too much. Too much drama and silliness contorted by the inebriated and raucous ramblings of the eight people stuffed into a shore house in the buttcrack of New Jersey’s Wendigo realm called Seaside Heights. It has all been too much; the braying at the top of their lungs, the fights, the smushes, the showing of kookas, the living in a mini-hoarders wet dream, the sometimes psychotic repetition of the same people doing the same things, expecting different results, but ultimately pooping out shoulder-shrugs and continuing on their merry way toward lunacy and an enlarged liver.

These are all things we know. What we didn’t anticipate was the eventual toll this would take on one of the participants. Continue reading →

Obvious Things You Shouldn’t Do If You’re a Celebrity

On Saturday night the world was gifted a precious soul. One chosen to possibly lead the world out of rampant darkness. It is she who will make us mere mortals stop and consider what the outcome of our lives would and could be, for without her ethereal light, the continued downward spiral of man will not lapse. She will be the bringer of peace and joy, and become the protector of legions of humans on this wasteoid piece of rock we call Earth — or she’ll just be a celebrity’s kid and we’ll all watch while the paparazzi covers her wardrobe, birthday parties, and days out with mom that include the tagline “Beyoncé and Blue! They’re Just Like Us!” Seriously, it will be either world domination or photo ops at Build-A-Bear. Continue reading →