Well, apparently, now whenever Mitt Romney speaks we can pretty much expect a carafe of gold bars and silver spoons to come flying out his blustery jaws. He’s like a robotic fountain made of money! Would that make him an ATM? Perhaps! But he’s not giving you anything, you pitiless peasants! Know why? He pays a lower tax rate than you do because he’s a rich, sultan of immense wealth who’s found a way to take advantage of every tax break that exists in federal policy. Basically, old Mittens, sees you standing there in your sensible shoes and dystopian misery and comes along with a platinum-coated battering ram and knocks all you ingrates into the sea. He is the Mormonator.
Kiss his ring you supplicants.
Since mockable monster, Newt Gingrich, has been sounding some sort of air-raid alarm regarding Mitt Romney’s Ferrari and quail egg lifestyle, old Ramen Noodles Romney Poor, has been under pressure to release his tax returns ahead of the defining South Carolina primary. And because Gingrich is the David Copperfield of the GOP who can compel anyone to do anything — except silence his former wife from speaking about his slammin-jammin sex wishes and hopes of having various women bed his mottled, graying, corpulent cesspool of a body — Romney has succumbed to the Former Speaker’s wishes! What! This is dumb! Why would he do this? Didn’t he know what would happen once he showed everyone his golden commode of a financial statement? HA!
Romney acknowledged that he has indeed invested part of his vast millions in the Cayman Islands, a place where only the insanely rich would dare hide house their money. Think of it as a big money clip for the dastardly bloated with wealth who sit on their yachts and in their homes in Aspen, France, and Italy, downwind from the suffering masses, while using the grease from the hair of the destitute to fuel their Astin Martins. Romney stopped short of giving details of just how much money he has stored up in Cayman Fort Knox, but we’re betting it’s something like FOUR BAJILLION dollars. He’s also not saying why he’s got money anywhere other than in the U.S., but the answer to that is, “Your tax-obsessed domestic banking institutions cannot grow the load of the likes of my colostomy bag full of extruding cash! We will go to the Caymans where they cater to Rich Fuckballs like myself. Thanks!”
Thursday, when a crowd of poor people, or distasteful rodent farts, as Romney prefers to think of them, asked questions about his tax returns, he answered that they will not be released until April. Crafty, RoboTron. We all know that April comes long after the Republicans will have chosen a nominee. You hope no one will care!
And those wannabe nominees! Ho, boy! They don’t like RoboTron one bit. Stupid, turnip burr, Rick Perry decided to haul his disastrous candidacy off the free-falling Ferris wheel of his laughable tree stump of a County Fair campaign and pulled out of the race today. To Romney’s chagrin, he’ll throw his support behind Gingrich, which is kind of like having that cousin in the cowboy boots, spider-man costume, and hard hat show up to your sweet sixteen party. Doesn’t matter! If Romney suffers even a little bit Gingrich feels a tickle of mirth in all the deadened ventricles around the meat-turd that serves as his heart. In addition to the woeful Perry development, Iowa also got its act together and counted all those votes from their caucus earlier this month and announced that seal oil, sex emollient, Rick Santorum was the real winner by 34 votes.
However, this whole thing about his fat pockets and tax rate may be the real concern for a gaffe-ridden Romney sliding into South Carolina’s primary. The Huffington Post reports, “On Tuesday, Romney disclosed that he pays an effective tax rate of about 15 percent, lower than what he would pay if he earned a regular paycheck like many Americans. He also called “not very much” the amount he earned in speechmaking fees, though it turned out to be $373,327.62 for 12 months in 2010 and early 2011.”
For point of reference, President Obama and his wife paid taxes of just over 25 percent of their 2010 income of $1.7 million, and Rick Perry and his wife paid roughly 24 percent of their income of $217,447 for the same year. No word yet of what Gingrich pays from all the speaking, potential lobbying, and whatever else he makes from his job as an odious Reagan fellator.
All in all for Romney, that’s not bad from the guy who said he likes “being able to fire people who provide services to me” and whose investment income has a lower tax rate than the wages and salaries that make up the income of most Americans. He’s so much like you and me he’s practically sitting in the same cubicle!
Maybe all he needs is the right empathy microchip, yes?
