Hey, you know what you probably shouldn’t do when you’re held in custody on charges of manslaughter and abandoning ship after refusing an order from the coastguard during a huge disaster that you caused? Lie. And not just lie, but lie badly, absurdly, crazily!
Captain Francesco Schettino is decidedly this kind of asshole.
We already know that the captain of the Costa Concordia — which struck rocks off the Tuscan coast last Friday and capsized — admits to steering the ship off-course to salute a colleague, because obviously this is just what you do when you’re the captain of a huge ship, and not you know, riding around in an El Camino. You take the time to show off your new tricked out cruise liner complete with fuzzy dice, full leather interior, and 22-inch rims to all your best buds. They’ll be so jealous of your new ride and all the free time you have to slack off and cruise by on your way to the mall. Oh, Franny, you’re so awesome! Clearly, this is the best use of one’s time instead of keeping on-course and ensuring the safety of your passengers.
“It’s true that the salute was for Commodore Mario Palombo, with whom I was on the telephone,” Schettino reportedly said.
Fantastic. Jerk! But there’s this other thing…how did this guy end up in the safety of a lifeboat while others were out there drowning, dying, and otherwise lost at sea? That is a very important development. One that goes against everything you’ve ever heard about captains and their ships. You know, if the ship is definitely going down, or if that boat is somehow in jeopardy, this is usually when the captain steps up in order to protect others.
Not our boy Schettino. In a recently released conversation between Schettino and the Italian coastguard, the captain can be heard sounding unsure of the orders the coastguard gives, which were to get his ass back to the ship and help passengers while they oversaw the evacuation. He tells the coastguard that “the vessel was tipping dangerously and that it was too dark.” So naturally that translates into get into the nearest lifeboat and sit huddled in a blanket until you’re rescued, and you know, all those other 4,200 passengers should just piss off and find their own frigging boat.
Actually NO! That is totally not what he said. What he said during a three-hour interrogation on Tuesday was:
“Suddenly, since the ship was at a 60-70° angle, I tripped and I ended up in one of the boats. That’s how I found myself in the lifeboat,” said Schettino. “Suspended there, I was unable to lower the boat into the sea, because the space was blocked by other boats in the water.” [Spirit note: Oh, but instead of helping others you tried to get that boat into the sea, didn’t you, old boy? If it wasn’t for all those goddamned other boats you would have made a clean getaway!]
Ah, yes. The “I tripped and look what happened” excuse that goes over so very well as a defense against infidelity, Red Rider BB Gun discharges, and now apparently, egregiously selfish acts of assholery as it pertains to cruise ship crashes caused by one stunning idiot with a penchant for saying, “Look At Me Popping This Wheelie In Mah Big Boat!”
Let’s hope he’s prosecuted thoroughly.
