Cletar

94 posts
I think I would like a bowl of that plomeek soup, thank you.

Florida Has Spoken!

Gingrich campaigns in Florida

Florida has spoken! Stupid, stupid Florida. The relentless Republican nomination process grinds on. First, the pig men of  Iowa listlessly anointed Dick Santorum with the manure-encrusted sweater of victory. Then the flinty maple miners of New Hampshire chose Willard “10k” Romney to wear the sticky-but-coveted Maple Crown. Repulsive space-monster Newton Leroy Gingrich topped them both, though, winning the allegiance of South Carolina’s shrimp-herds and skin-clad hill people. Three contests, three different winners. Enough of these ridiculous micro-states. Now it was up to Florida–goofy, electorally incompetent Florida–to make some sense of the increasingly absurd Republican nomination contest. The disgraced former House Speaker hoped to capitalize on his victory in the swamps of South Carolina, and lay a final beat-down on shiny, gold-plated, employee-firing-enthusiast Willard “10k” Romney. Romney, in turn, hoped to finally crush the last of the upstarts who dared question his claim on the nomination. Santorum was there to–hell, who knows. Escape the glum Pennsylvania winters, I suppose. Undead specter Ron Paul gave up on the state entirely a few days before the primary and went to the wintery wastes of Maine to troll amongst the lobster-hunters and potato-gatherers for votes in their upcoming caucus. Continue reading →

GOP Debate Recap: The Clown Show Goes to Jacksonville

Newt Gingrich enjoys campaigning in North Florida.

The candidates met in Jacksonville, Florida’s most charmless city, to once again argue about who is least unlikeable. Gingrich is hoping to build on the momentum from South Carolina, where he was less despised than Romney. Romney wants to score some sort death-blow on the loathsome space-beast who stands between him and the nomination that is RIGHTFULLY HIS. Poor morose sweater-fetishist Dick Santorum want to recapture the glory days of Iowa, when HE was popular. Santorum is tired of being the Jan to Romney’s Marcia, and now, to make matters worse, Newt Gingrich is suddenly…Greg, or Davy Jones, or something. It’s not fair. He doesn’t want to blow this thing, and have his damned kids start blubbering, and have his wife give him THAT LOOK. He can’t stand it. Screw you, Romney! SCREW YOU! And the neither-living-nor-dead specter that stoner-hobos and Burning Man-enthusiasts call Ron Paul? He is here because he must be. He is not motivated by the gross lusts of Gingrich or the passionate anger of Santorum, for passion is a trait of the young, and Ron Paul is old, so very old. The gold, the lost gold of Osiris drives him, and his soul aches with an emptiness you cannot imagine. Continue reading →

Ron Paul’s Supporters Are Crazy: The Myth of “The 564 Delegates” and Other Oddball Theories

The dread specter stoners and conspiracy-theory crackpots call Ron Paul

Ron Paul supporters believe a lot of whacky things–like, for example, that he is a Texan, when all sensible people know that he is a 3000-year-old Bronze Age shaman doomed to walk the earth until the gold of Osiris is returned.

This past week, I’ve noticed two particularly crack-potty theories being promulgated by Paul supporters, which I will deconstruct for you. The first is that Gingrich and Santorum are mathematically incapable of being nominated, because they aren’t on the ballot in enough states; the second is that Ron Paul’s fiendishly clever plan to lose every primary will get him enough delegates to get nominated. Continue reading →

GOP Debate Recap: The Clown Show Goes to Tampa

The disgraced former House Speaker campaigns in Florida.

The unending horror that is Campaign 2012 lurches now into Florida, with loathsome space-criminal Newton Leroy Gingrich more-or-less the front runner again after savagely defragging hapless software glitch Willard “10k” Romney in South Carolina. Sweater-fetishist and reproductive-sex enthusiast Dick Santorum is hoping to catch up with the disgraced former House Speaker here in the wretched peninsula where all those Spanish conquistadores got malaria. Romney is just hoping not to get embarrassed again. Ron Paul left hope behind in the sands of his homeland, millennia ago, and he comes here because he cannot stop, until the temple gold is recovered, and his curse is lifted, and dread Horus calls him home.  Monday night, the candidates met in Tampa, near the spot where Hernando de Soto introduced the Calusa people to smallpox, for yet another one of their endless debates. Won’t these people ever shut up? The short answer, of course, is no. Continue reading →

South Carolina has Spoken!

Except that no one liked him, everything was going so well for Romney. Until South Carolina.

Mighty South Carolina has spoken!  The filth encrusted pig men of Iowa chose Romney Santorum! The flinty maple miners of New Hampshire chose Romney! Now, the salt-encrusted shimp-herds of South Carolina get to close the deal and pick the real nominee, Willard “Inevitable” Romney! Oh, hell, they picked loathsome space-creature Newton Leroy Gingrich. This screws up everything. South Carolina basically fell on the floor and started jabbering like Rick Moranis in “Ghostbusters.”
The GOP campaign traditionally starts with Iowa’s Over-Pig rising from a hog-farm shit-lagoon and anointing a candidate with his corn-scepter. This year, the squealing pig men dumped the traditional waste-encrusted Gatorade cooler full of victory ethanol over the head of Willard “10k” Romney, who won by only eight pig-votes. Continue reading →

GOP Debate Recap: These Guys Seem Pretty Angry With Each Other

The candidates, L-R, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Bought All the Evil and Shipped It to a Vault in the Cayman Islands

The GOP rodeo has lost a clown, but still the nomination process grinds on. This debate is tinged with sadness, because it will lack the comedy stylings of Texas governor Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump, who dropped out the day of the debate. There are only four podiums now on the stage here in Secession, South Carolina. You know, Perry dropped out just hours before. I bet they had a podium for him. What happened to it? Is Rick Perry’s podium in the dumpster in the back? What a great souvenir that would make! Somebody root around back there and scrounge it for me! I can have mock debates in my back yard! I can put my shoes on backward and pretend to be Perry! Awesome! Continue reading →

Rick Perry Drops Out, National Gaffe Index Plummets

Texas Governor Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump surrenders in South Carolina

The nation weeps today, partially because it’s only Thursday and not Friday, but mostly because Texas Governor Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump is dropping his laff-riot of a GOP presidential bid. This leaves us with only Massachusetts protocol droid Willard “10k” Romney, accursed undying gold-obsessed man-skeleton Ron Paul, horrifying space-beast Newton Leroy Gingrich, and He Who Must Not Be Searched for in Google. The hapless incompetent is expected to endorse disgraced former House Speaker Gingrich.

The governor–often referred to in the media by his pro wrestling moniker “Rick Perry,” entered the race over the summer as the party was undergoing one of it’s periodic fits of nausea and buyer’s remorse over the campaign of frontrunning software packet Willard Romney.  Governor Gump, with his glistening hair and magnificent posture, initially polled well against Romney, who was slowed down by his glitch-prone FrontRunner 1.5 software. Continue reading →

Republican Debate Recap: They Just Won’t Shut Up

The moist bogs of South Carolina have made Newt Gingrich feisty! He thirsts for battle!

The GOP presidential candidates are doing that thing they do, again, only this time in another place.

They’re debating again.  This time they’re in Barney Fife Hall in Mount Pilot, which is not as nice as the Shrimp-n-Grits Auditorium they performed in last time.

Sadly, they can’t go back to the SnG after the thing Gingrich did backstage on Saturday. The gas expelled from his float-sacs can be surprisingly volatile, and Huntsman should probably have told somebody about his shrimp allergy. Oh well. Was that only Saturday? Continue reading →

Jon Huntsman Is Dropping Out; Dozens Mourn

Farewell, Jon Huntsman

Mitt Romney stunt-double and Fantastic Four frontman Jon Huntsman stunned the dozens of people still following his campaign when he announced he was dropping out of the presidential race. Picking listlessly at his Low Country Boil Platter at Cap’n Barnacle’s in Charleston, Huntsman told largely indifferent customers that there was little point in continuing his campaign in South Carolina given his low poll numbers, his loathing of sweetened iced tea, and his mild shrimp allergy. Sources at Cap’n Barnacle’s say Huntsman’s campaign credit card was declined, and he paid with cash borrowed from his parents. Huntsman spokesman Ben Grimm said the former Utah governor would endorse  Massachusetts artificial life-form Willard Romney, “the only remaining candidate who shares Huntsman’s firm belief in a strong, Galactus-free America.” Huntsman supporters, such as they are, can console themselves with the knowledge that he lasted longer than professional jackass Herman Cain, or hapless laughingstock  and corndog eating contest also-ran Tim Pawlenty. Continue reading →