Cletar – Page 9 – Crasstalk

New Hampshire has Spoken!

Mighty New Hampshire has spoken! Every four years, a week or so after the ethanol-addled pig-men of Iowa go into their foul, waste-strewn pens (or “caucuses,”) and choose an Over-Pig to represent them at the presidential conventions, the flinty maple-miners of New Hampshire meet in their ice-caves and maple-warrens to have their say.

Willard “10k” Romney and sweater fetishist Dick Santorum had humiliated the rest of the pack in the bleak hog farms and shit-lagoons of Iowa. Michelle Bachmann had been abandoned in the snow and left to perish in the wolf-infested barrens. The rest limped or slithered to New Hampshire, burning with humiliation and a desire for revenge (except for the undead 3000-year-old wraith stoners call Ron Paul, who is beyond petty human emotions like humiliation). Continue reading →

Movie Review: The Adventures of Tintin

The Adventures of Tintin, directed by Steven Spielberg, is essentially an Indiana Jones cartoon without Indiana Jones. Imagine that in the last Indiana Jones movie, greaser Shia LeBoeuf is replaced with a pleasant, studious red-haired kid who’s being chased by Russians. Then, in a sequel, which involves pirates and treasure instead of goddamned crystal skulls, Indiana Jones just never shows up. It’s ok, though, because you don’t really miss him. There’s a chase through a market that looks a lot like the one in “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” so maybe you miss him a little bit there, but otherwise, no. Continue reading →

What’s the Best Version of “A Christmas Carol”?

There have been somewhere between four and five thousand tv and film versions of “A Christmas Carol.” I’m not going through all of them, because I have junk to do and presents to wrap, but this is a brief guide to some of the best and worst of them.

If you mention “A Christmas Carol” to your grandparents, this is the one they think of. For a lot of people, this is the definitive version.
http://youtu.be/SpbthuKFuFA

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Christmas

Behold, The Hobbit Trailer

Three times I have gone to a movie specifically to see a trailer. In the dark times before the internet, I saw Saturn III, a horrific stinkfest with Harvey Keitel, Kirk Douglas, and Farah Fawcett solely for the previews. This was the worst movie ever to feature naked Harvey Keitel or Farah Fawcett. However, this crapulence was the first time eager fans got to see a full trailer for The Empire Strikes Back. I went to see “The Bounty” to see the trailer for Star Trek III. The last movie I saw just for the preview was the Cuban Missile Crisis movie Thirteen Days, directed by the same guy who made “The Bounty.” Thanks, Roger Donaldson, for creating vessels for two such fine trailers! I sat through Kevin Costner’s terrible “Thirteen Days” Boston accent just to see the trailer for “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.” If the internet did not exist, I would have been in the theater today watching whatever crappy new Roger Donaldson movie was showing the trailer for “The Hobbit.” Thanks, internet, for sparing me “Thirteen Days II” or “Return to the Bounty”! Here it is, the trailer for “The Hobbit.” Continue reading →

Same Sex Couple Kisses at Navy Homecoming, World Does Not End

gaeta-snell1 — US Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Marissa Gaeta greets her girlfriend, Petty Officer 3rd Class Citlalic Snell in a traditional Navy homecoming.

I can be kind of a cynical person, and sometimes I see things–like the idea of “President Gingrich“–that make me think the future is just doomed. Then things happen that make me think, hey, the future might be OK. Like when we elected that black guy President. Or when people realized that the Newt Gingrich running for president was THAT Newt Gingrich, the disgusting space-pig that resigned in disgrace back in the Nineties, and not some other guy with that same perfectly common name. But nothing recently has made me think, maybe things have changed–for a little bit, at least–for the better quite like this picture of a traditional Navy homecoming at a pier in Virginia Beach. Continue reading →

What the Hell do You Mean, There’s No Santa Claus?

Here’s a heartwarming story about the rotten kids on the playground. When I was in third grade -maybe eight or so – I was sitting with my friends on the play ground at school on a blustery December day. We were discussing important issues of the day – what Star Trek re-run would be on this afternoon, Planet of the Apes, could the Six Million Dollar Man BE more awesome, and Christmas. A small herd of mewling, weeping first-graders ran by, pursued by savage, laughing fifth- and sixth-graders. First-graders are natural playground prey animals, and we tried to ignore this whole scene, lest the big kids turn their savagery on us. Unfortunately, one of the kids – a loutish brute who lived down the street from me – detached himself from the pack and came over to us.
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Terrifying Man-Mummy Humanity’s Only Hope Against Newtpocalypse, or, Hey, What’s the Deal With Ron Paul?

rp_mummy-a — Bronze Age Congressman Ron Paul reclines in his sarcophagus, awaiting America's call.

Loathsome space-slug Leroy Newton Gingrich stands astride the GOP political landscape like a moist, unpleasant colossus. The other candidates are struggling to escape being crushed by his terrible bulk, with limited success. Willard “10K” Romney has erected a fortress made of $100 bills, where he uses a solid gold megaphone that once belonged to the Shah of Iran to shout increasingly contradictory messages to confused Iowa peasants. This appears to be no more effective than his previous media effort, which consisted largely of loading a trebuchet with Susan B. Anthony dollars and firing it into crowds. Willard has devolved into the ineffectual love-child of Richie Rich and C-3PO. Michelle Bachmann has begun praying in an effort to alter Earth’s gravity. Rick Perry, in an attempt to harness the awesome power of nonsense, has vowed to fight a chicken with his own hands if that’s what it takes to stop Gingrich. Ricky Santorum is running around in tiny circles, and presumably criticizing Gingrich as well, but only small excitable dogs can hear his high-pitched squeals. Some of the Republican party’s senior grifters are beginning to panic at the prospect of a vile space-gangster with an insatiable appetite for Earth-women as the party standard-bearer. Continue reading →

Republican Debate Recap: Who Can Stop Gingrich? Not These Yokels

newt3 — Newt Gingrich laughs at your puny threats.

The GOP candidates met for the jillionth time for a televised debate in Des Moines, Iowa Saturday night. Vile space-gangster Newton Leroy Gingrich emerged largely unscathed after verbal tussles with former Massachusetts protocol droid Willard “10 K” Romney, youtube laughingstock Rick Perry, and the gold-obsessed, keening mummy-wraith Ron Paul. Michele Bachmann and Ricky Santorum also pummeled the porcine disgraced former House Speaker with their tiny fists, but to no avail. Continue reading →

Live! Republican Debate, Now with Extra Newtmentum!

SpeakerGingrich2 — GOP Front runner Newt Gingrich fears no man!

The Republican Presidential Campaign Clown Car makes a stop in Iowa tonight so the candidates can ~~fling poo at loathsome frontrunner Newt Gingrich~~ debate. This will, sadly, be a Herman Cain-less affair, since Cain dropped out of the race last week to ~~get divorced~~ spend more time with his family or whatever. On the plus side, though, they all get to bask in the glory of newly-minted frontrunner, disgraced former House Speaker and reptilian man-slug Newton Leroy Gingrich. How exciting that will be! Watch Rick Perry pester Gingrich with non-sensical drivel! See thousand-year-old mummy Ron Paul curse Gingrich with eldritch spells and rants about the Federal Reserve! Behold Rick Santorum do nothing at all! Oh, and Mitt Romney will be there as well.

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Cainpocalypse Now: Herman Cain Suspends Campaign, Nation Weeps, Laughs

Stunt candidate and presidential performing artist Herman Cain suspended his long-runnning performance piece, “Campaign 2012,” Saturday, November 3rd. Speaking before a packed house at Bucket-o-Laffs Improv Club in Atlanta, Cain donned his trademark clown shoes for the last time , and announced his retirement. He will no longer perform live, though webisodes of his more popular routines will continue to be posted on his comedy web site. Continue reading →