Running for President isn’t easy. You have to eat a lot of corn dogs. You have to go to every diner in New Hampshire and drink cup after cup of maple syrup with flinty, skeptical maple miners. You have to go to dusty Iowa fairs and feign admiration for a lot of prize hogs.
You have to raise a lot of money, make some spiffy ads, and get some college kid to make you one of those website gizmos.Former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty did all these things. Back in January, his campaign kickoff ad, entitled Courage to Stand–no seriously, that was the name– was a work of genius, a trailer for a summer blockbuster starring superstar action hero Tim Pawlenty. The ad, skillfully edited so you don’t actually see much of Pawlenty, looks like it’s a preview for Transformers IV. You could taste the Pawmentum.
Sadly, it was all down hill from there. On Saturday, Pawlenty, having staked his campaign on a strong showing in the Ames, Iowa Straw Poll and Corn Dog Eating Contest, came in a disappointing third. On Sunday, it was time to call it quits. The West Wing cosplay was over. Tim Pawlenty had eaten his last corn dog. It was time to call the flag lapel-pin companies and cancel the shipments. Time to call The American Corn Dog Council and get off the mailing list. Time to cancel the reservations at the Motel 6 in Pinardville. But saddest of all, it was time for Tim Pawlenty to call his donors and tell them he was out. Courage to Stand was over. It was time for the premier of Courage to Stand II: Stand Down.
(image source Gage Skidmore, flickr)
Courage to Stand II: Stand Down
SCENE: A suburban American home. A campaign donor receives a surprising phone call.
DONOR: Hello?
PAWLENTY: (sniff) Hi, this is Tim Pawlenty. (blows nose)
DONOR: Who?
PAWLENTY: Tim Pawlenty.
DONOR: Uh…
PAWLENTY: Governor of Minnesota.
DONOR: Uh…ok.
PAWLENTY: Running for President.
DONOR: Really?
PAWLENTY: (cries)
DONOR: Hey now. Don’t cry. What can I do for, you Tim?
PAWLENTY: (weeping) Well, you’re one of my supporters, and I just wanted to…
DONOR: What?
PAWLENTY: You’re one of my supporters, and I wanted to let you know…
DONOR: I am?
PAWLENTY: Uh, yeah. Let’s see. You gave me twenty-five dollars.
DONOR: I did?
PAWLENTY: Yep. You also bought a t-shirt.
DONOR: Really?
PAWLENTY: Pawmentum. An XL. It was our best seller.
DONOR: Don’t say.
PAWLENTY: Real cute. Had little…*sob*…paws on it.
DONOR: Damn, I can’t believe I did that again. Hang on. (yells) Donna! Hey, Donna! Guess what I bought this time!
PAWLENTY: Oh god! (cries)
DONOR: Listen, Tom…
PAWLENTY: Tim
DONOR: Right. Listen, Tim. That wasn’t me, that was the Ambien.
PAWLENTY: What?
DONOR: Sometimes, on the Ambien, I’ll get up in the night, and do crazy stuff. Buy weird things on Amazon. Empty the fridge.
PAWLENTY: What are you saying?
DONOR: One time, I got up, ate a whole cheese ball. You know, like you have at holiday parties?
PAWLENTY: Oh god! (cries)
DONOR: I was blocked up for days. Wasn’t no holiday for me, I can tell you.
PAWLENTY: I’m a loser!
DONOR: Another time, I ordered six toaster ovens off Amazon.
PAWLENTY: Oh god!
DONOR: I know! I don’t even like toast!
PAWLENTY: I’m dropping out! I’m a loser!
DONOR: Say what now?
PAWLENTY: I’m dropping out of the presidential race! I’m a loser! That’s why I called! *sniff* To tell my supporters! To thank…oh, god!
DONOR: Now, now, Tim. It’s not that bad. Maybe you could run for governor of Missouri again.
PAWLENTY: Minnesota!
DONOR: Sure, that’s a nice place, too. Hey, listen, Tim…
PAWLENTY: So many nights at that damned Motel 6 in Des Moines! So many nights!
DONOR: Say, Tim…
PAWLENTY: Fancy pants Romney, at the Hampton, gorging on the free breakfast! But not for T-Paw! No free waffles for T-Paw!
DONOR: Let me ask you something…
PAWLENTY: I ate whole sticks of butter! WHOLE! STICKS! OF! BUTTER!
DONOR: Any chance I could get my twenty five bucks back?
PAWLENTY: I spent it on corn dogs!
DONOR: Oh.
PAWLENTY: You can keep the shirt though.
DONOR: Well, ok, I guess.
PAWLENTY: Thank you.
DONOR: Oh, you don’t have to thank me. It was pretty much the Ambien.
PAWLENTY: Sorry.
DONOR: Listen, Tim, I gotta go. Take care of yourself though, ok?
PAWLENTY: Ok.
DONOR: You done good, Tim. It’s a real cute shirt.
PAWLENTY: The adorable little paws…that was my idea.
DONOR: It’s real nice. Goodbye, Tim.
PAWLENTY: Bye.
