The GOP rodeo has lost a clown, but still the nomination process grinds on. This debate is tinged with sadness, because it will lack the comedy stylings of Texas governor Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump, who dropped out the day of the debate. There are only four podiums now on the stage here in Secession, South Carolina. You know, Perry dropped out just hours before. I bet they had a podium for him. What happened to it? Is Rick Perry’s podium in the dumpster in the back? What a great souvenir that would make! Somebody root around back there and scrounge it for me! I can have mock debates in my back yard! I can put my shoes on backward and pretend to be Perry! Awesome!
It begins! The host is that CNN guy who isn’t Anderson Cooper. He announces the rules, which I shall ignore, just like the candidates. Vile space gangster Newton Leroy Gingrich drags his bulk across the stage, fore-appendages paddling with determination. His word-sac engorges. He is ready! The auditorium chills with a cold wind of doom, and the dread specter men call Ron Paul takes his place, muttering incantations to the Old Ones whose dark magicks sustain him. Romney strolls on, in a sure, easy manner that must be very reassuring to the robot-makers of Disney’s Hall of Presidents. Oh, and Whatshisname is here, too. The guy you shouldn’t google. If you had bet on him to make the final four, you would be rich indeed. The Citadel Choirs sings the national anthem, and the candidates half-assedly mouth the words. Oooh, look at Romney! The new service pack of FrontRunner 3.0 software contains the words to the Star Spangled Banner. Well done, programmers, well done.
Not-Anderson Cooper gives everyone 15 seconds or so to make an awkward introduction. Dick Santorum–don’t google him!–mentions that he won Iowa and has 7 kids. Mitt mentions wife of 42 years, 5 children. Ron Paul mentions his wife of 2800 years, Ankhsenamun, and reminds the crowd that he’s the only veteran, having been thrice wounded in battle against unholy betrayer-of-the-gods Akenaten. Newt says he loves the South. No mention of kids or wives. Is he a bachelor? Kind of awkward. Everybody tries really hard not to think of Newt’s unsavory mating practices, because there are few things more disturbing than the Lovecraftian horror of his reproductive apparatus deploying.
Then not-Anderson Cooper totally goes there. First question, right out of the box–Mr Speaker, let’s talk about your creepy open marriage. Newt fixes him with a stare that every Outer Rim smuggler prays daily never to see. Newt’s eyes narrow, his word-sac swells, then spews forth with furious force. “Destructive media! I am appalled that you would start a debate that way! Despicable! Frankly astounded!” He bloats with sorrow! Scold glands engorge! A sheen of bile covers the stage. Ron Paul, with an enchanted mummy’s dread of moisture, weaves a charm of warding around his podium. Genteel Southern ladies in the audience demurely vomit. Newt calms, and continues in a practiced more-in-sorrow tone. Man, this is one slick space-slug. “Oh, and this whole thing is false. The elite media is protecting Obama by talking about how creepy I am!”
Not-Anderson Cooper is unfazed. “You other guys want to talk about Newt’s marriages?” Dick Santorum coughs up a bewildering laundry-list of Christian catchphrases. Ron Paul notes that media attacks are always bogus, then casually mentions “on the other hand, I’ve been married forever.” Willard, who is not programmed to discuss reproductive activities–he’s not a pleasure-bot, after all–says “Lets get on to real issues.” They all talk about how they will magically pull jobs out of their asses once they are elected, except for Ron Paul, who bleats about gold and currency and every government since the administration of Thutmose III has just sucked. Gingrich notes that Willard closed the hell out of some steel mills, and that the jobs he created were actually crappy ones, selling soccer balls at Sports Authority, or delivering pizzas. Willard goes bonkers: “We’ll get the economy growing by antagonizing China! Obama is a crony capitalist! Labor stooges!” If you attack Romney on his economic record, he blathers about China or Obama. His handlers frown and run some de-bugging routines. Santorum chimes in on the Obama bashing. “Obama loves dependency! Because he’s bl-augh. Bleh!” Apropos of nothing, Ron Paul reminds the audience that he’s the only vet. “Thrice have I been wounded by the blades of the unworthy! And thrice have I in turn smitten!” he cries from within his vomit-free charmed circle.
Not-Anderson Cooper changes the subject to taxes. Romney gets booed. Santorum says his taxes are on his computer at home, and he’ll release them when he gets home. If nothing else, he’ll get a Turbotax endorsement out of this campaign. Ron Paul says something about gold, and caravans, and precious spices, and Not-Anderson Cooper just turns Paul’s mike off.
Then it’s time to bitch about Obamacare. Boy, they all hate Obamacare. Romney launches into some complex double-speak about health care in his state. (Ever notice how he never mentions the name of his state? It’s always “my state” this and “my state” that). Then, an amazing thing happens. Before our eyes, Dick Santorum transmogrifies from a Dunder Mifflin toner-cartridge salesmen into President Bill Pullman from “Independence Day.” “I’m the real conservative! Me! ME!” he shouts. “Obamacare IS Romneycare! You suck! You both suck! Newt and Mitt have no credibility on healthcare! WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT! TODAY! WE CELEBRATE! OUR! INDEPENDENCE DAY!”
The audience is stunned into silence. Into the quiet, Newt says, “I am mildly amazed.” He talks about Hillarycare, he gently fellates Reagan, and Santorum SHUTS HIM UP. “YOU WERE A SHITTY SPEAKER! You were so crappy conservative threw you out.”
I’ll quote now from Jenna Maroney’s excellent summation from the debate liveblog:
“You’re a loser and a SCUMBAG! I have your number, asshole, I’ve had it for decades! I AM THE GREAT WHITE HOPE!” — Rick Santorum
“Don’t get sassy with me, pencil dick, I’m sleazy, but I’m old-school sleazy. Don’t tell me shit about shit.” –Newt Gingrich
It’s an astonishing moment. Where did this new feisty Santorum come from? As a final indignity, Mitt Romney turns to Gingrich and says “Ronald Reagan never liked you.” This is mean, because it’s true.
Next week, the survivors debate again in Florida.
