Hey y’all. I wish I could be more cheery and N’SYNCy, but I’ve got a sore throat for the ages. Looks like my sartorial exploration into matching outfits and vinyl has been in vain–it’s nothing but sweatpants and hot tea for me this weekend. Continue reading
Daily Archives: April 22, 2011
11 posts
Elephants are great aren’t they? We generally like elephants. There’s not much we usually find uninviting about the pachyderm. He’s usually large, lovable; perhaps he has large floppy ears and can fly like some sort of winged wrinkle-skinned angel mammal. Fantastic. But not in this case. In this case the elephants are like people, and they are more like matchmakers. The E Harmony of the wild if you will. The elephant will help a young vampire and Elle Woods find happiness. No, that’s not right. The elephant will help two circus players find love amongst the tents.
Water for Elephants
Oh, crud. I was rooting for this one. It had all the dreamy, soft focus stuff that usually impresses critics…but not this time.
Based on the acclaimed bestseller, Water for Elephants presents an unexpected romance in a uniquely compelling setting. Veterinary school student Jacob meets and falls in love with Marlena, a star performer in a circus of a bygone era. They discover beauty amidst the world of the Big Top, and come together through their compassion for a special elephant. Against all odds — including the wrath of Marlena’s charismatic but dangerous husband, August — Jacob and Marlena find lifelong love.
What you can expect: Long distressed glances, a dastardly villain, Reese clad in circus frill, and Robert Pattinson’s huge cranium in suspenders. Is this Twilight without the angsty Kristen Bella and all her awkward pause-speak? No, no, it doesn’t look like it. It looks a bit more grown up than that, even though still in a chaste, longing way. It wants to be a watered down Titanic, what with the unattainable beauty, the lost boy looking for love, the maniacal man caught in the middle, and some sort of horrific, terrible thing that happens one night at the circus — but with elephants and a train. Some have said the story is predictable — but aren’t all these soapy period dramas just that — predictable? We know Christoph Waltz with his “bad guy hairdo” will make us hope he falls off a trapeze or something, just like we know Rob and Reese holding vigil with that elephant doesn’t mean they’re running away just to open an elephant refuge. Even though the critics have found it a bit lacking, at least one praises the old-timey feel. Roger Ebert says, “In an age of prefabricated special effects and obviously phony spectacle, it’s sort of old-fashioned (and a pleasure) to see a movie made of real people and plausible sets.”
What could annoy: The predictable. Yes, well, apparently this movie has its story written on its sleeve. While both Oscar winners Waltz and Witherspoon are said to be more than formidable in this film, there’s just too much formula here. Robert Pattinson’s performance also seems to reside in the vicinity of a glorified Gossip Girl character. Ouch. Somewhere Blake Lively just had a squeee and preened in her candy-striped headband. Urgh. And then there’s the whole depression-era circus element. I’m not sure, but I can’t imagine a depression-era circus being much fun. It seems like it would be pretty miserable in fact, and probably smelly — and full of scary orangutans.
Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family
It really doesn’t matter what the critics think because Tyler Perry will keep wearing a wig and beating people with shoes no matter what you or anybody says ever! Helllerrrrr!
Madea jumps into action when her niece, Shirley, receives distressing news about her health. All Shirley wants is to gather her three adult children around her and share the news as a family. But Tammy, Kimberly and Byron are too distracted by their own problems: Tammy can’t manage her unruly children or her broken marriage; Kimberly is gripped with anger and takes it out on her husband; and Byron, after spending two years in jail, is under pressure to deal drugs again. It’s up to Madea, with the help of the equally rambunctious Aunt Bam, to gather the clan together and make things right.
What you can expect: Oh, dear me. Well, let’s see, I think we can expect that Tyler Perry dressed in Tyler Perry’s Madea clothes will yell at people, threaten to beat them with a pot of grits, get into some sort of crazy man in a dress pickle, and then have the entire family rally around these antics because this is the same movie Tyler Perry does every Tyler Perry second for forever when he’s wearing his Tyler Perry Madea’s Biscuits and Girdle Suit. The end.
What could annoy: Spending money to see Tyler Perry in his ninth (NINTH!) Madea movie. But then if you’re spending money to see Tyler Perry in his ninth Madea movie then you don’t understand what this means, so carry on, he has a house in Miami he’s renovating.
Indie Picks
Incendies
The critics are really loving this gripping story about one family’s journey:
When notary Lebel (Rémy Girard) sits down with Jeanne and Simon Marwan (Mélissa Désormeaux-Poulin, Maxim Gaudette) to read them their mother’s will Nawal (Lubna Azabal), the twins are stunned to receive a pair of envelopes – one for the father they thought was dead and another for a brother they didn’t know existed. With Lebel’s help, the twins piece together the story of the woman who brought them into the world, discovering a tragic fate forever marked by war and hatred as well as the courage of an exceptional woman.
The short and sweet: Tough, unflinching drama about family secrets, what we would sacrifice to know the truth of our existence, and just what it means to finally understand who and what our parents are, and their place in this world. Impactful story that challenges borders and boundaries.
Stake Land
A horror film full of vampires and zombies the critics actually like? We must have gone back in time:
America is a lost nation. When an epidemic of vampirism strikes, humans find themselves on the run from vicious, feral beasts. Cities are tombs and survivors cling together in rural pockets, fearful of nightfall. When his family is slaughtered, young Martin (“Gossip Girl’s” Connor Paolo) is taken under the wing of a grizzled, wayward hunter (Nick Damici) whose new prey is the Undead. Simply known as Mister, the vampire stalker takes Martin on a journey through the locked-down towns of America’s heartland, searching for a better place while taking down any bloodsuckers that cross their path.
The short and sweet: Well, now, an apocalyptic vampire/zombie movie! Hmmm, yes, well, we’ve seen this all before, no? Are we tired of this yet? If watching it on film wasn’t enough, those undead jokers have infiltrated our television screens thanks to AMC. Apparently, there’s still some story left to tell about blood-sucking, rotting creepy-crawlies. Okay. I get it. One day someone will make the quintessential vampire/zombie movie that tops all other vampire/zombie movies and then finally we’ll be able to say with certainty that the genre has been well and dutifully covered. This isn’t it. Know how I know? Russell Brand is nowhere to be found.
(I’m probably going to see this…you know, for comparative research.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNC2HwAaWWE
POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold
A comical documentary about advertising and consumerism in the USA. You guys do know people buy Snuggies for their dogs, right? The critics think this is a good idea:
Filmmaker Morgan Spurlock examines the world of product placement, marketing and advertising by making a film entirely financed by product placement and advertising. These days, it seems like you can’t even walk down the street without someone trying to sell you something. It’s gotten to the point where practically the entire American experience is brought to us by some corporation. In this comical exploration and thorough exploitation of Morgan Spurlock, The Greatest Movie Ever Sold explores the world of advertising and marketing as Morgan uses his integrity as currency to sell out to the highest bidder.
The short and sweet: Hey, that guy that almost went into renal failure by eating nothing but McDonalds has decided to research advertising and marketing in this country. Well, yay! Because really I’d like to know why Crazy Sugar Pop Zooms! are so much better than regular old, Puffed Corn? Can we know this? I’m afraid that the answer is just that we’re stupid, stupid people who buy things that are shiny, full of blingeeness, and simply because we like things called Crazy Sugar Pop Zooms! because it makes us smile like drunk donkeys, but you know, Spurlock, you tell us what the corporate bigwigs say…”Yes, we’re dumb.” Thanks, Morgan!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9vu3dUMQ1s
Happy Phriday little birds! Are you ready to “C” each other?
OHMYGODIMSOCLEVER
Ladies, Gentleman and Straight Men™, here is your mission: Share something you own that involves the letter “C“. It could be a computer. It could be a calendar. It could be a Chevrolet. It could be cocaine. Anything! As long as it starts with the letter C. Here’s mine: A Service Change sign for the C Train. I have a bunch of these because it was how I rebelled against the MTA. This post will not self-destruct. Do not be alarmed.
So, you guys had a rough week it sounds like. On a couple of different days, the Open Threads were outright depressing.
Personally, I try not to do depressing. Last time I got bummed out, I tricked some Munchkins into climbing onto one another’s shoulders to get momma’s Special Drink from a jug on the top shelf, and then turned them into a totem pole.
Don’t worry, I changed them back. They’ll get over it, someday.
Ultimately, my little story highlights something important: We all deal with our down days in different ways.
Some of us keep a diary, as we were reminded of in Thursday’s Open Thread. Though, it’s a little odd when you can see diary entries from both sides of a story:
Often, not only do we confide in those pages, we look for answers. Though, some questions truly have no answers:
Diaries don’t work for everyone, however. Some of us need a jolt of energy from above:
Of course, nothing is more self-affirming than realizing that while men may be judgmental pigs, there are some things they can let slide. From Thursday’s open thread, where a conversation took place regarding the color of certain lady-parts, we have this insightful bit from MiNombreEsChris:
I really don’t have anything to add to that.
Again, thank you to everyone who submitted nominations, and please, please, keep them coming in! I want to recognize as many folks as possible, and flat out can’t find the time to read through every thread. Have a great weekend, everyone!
Happy cocktail time, Crasstalkers. It’s been a rough week for some of you, and it sounds like everyone needs to forget about Tuesday. So let’s booze it up, shall we?
Here are three ideas to get you started.
Cilantro and Cucumber Martinis
4 ounces of vodka (the better, the better)
1 inch of finely diced English cucumber
¼ cup of cilantro
Ice
Crush the cucumber and cilantro in a mortar and pestle to make as fine a paste as possible. Pour the vodka, cucumber and cilantro paste into a martini shaker. Let it sit for about an hour, then add the ice, shake, and strain infused vodka into martini glasses. Garnish with cucumber and cilantro.
A Gingered Highball-Julep
Chop and crush one tablespoon of fresh mint and six or seven slivers of fresh ginger. Put two ice cubes in a large glass. Add two shots ginger ale and stir vigorously to make a quick infusion. Add two shots “good” bourbon (Basil Hayden or Knob Creek are preferred, but Rebel Yell is good too. Note for the poors: Rebel Yell is cheaper than most bottom shelf whiskeys and it’s the best of the bunch, even served just on the rocks. Note to snobs: don’t knock it till you’re poor enough to try it). Add one drop of bitters and a few slivers more fresh ginger for a crunchy, spicy treat.
Salty Dog
Treat a rocks glass like a margarita glass and rim it with salt. Then add equal parts vodka to pink grapefruit juice.
I’m not going to lie, I just had my first Salty Dog this week, and holy. The salt with the grapefruit juice is incredible. I was on the phone with my mother-in-law while I had my first sip and –- for the first time since we have known each other — I think she thought I was fervently agreeing with everything she said because I said “Yes!” and sighed happily (For the record, I was blissed out and I’m not sure what I agreed to). But let’s not think about any unpleasantness, because it’s Friday, and we all deserve a cocktail.
Good morning little birds! Oh dear, oh me, oh my! You’re all covered in residue from the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. And on Earth Day too! We’ve got to get you cleaned up, but we’re all out of Dawn™ or whatever detergent is the one that has those commercials of workers cleaning ducks. Covered in black gold on Earth Day! Oh dear, oh me, oh my! Let’s get clean with Joseph:
There! All clean! You’re no longer an endangered species! We’ve saved you! But because you’re all such individuals, maybe you are endangered. We know for sure that LaZiguezon is endangered. That Canadian weather, man! We don’t think we could handle it and we live in Southwest Ontario*! Anyways, it’s Life, Death and Violence™, America’s number one source for environmental journalism** and jokes about The French™. Oh, the French™! And on this day, the anniversary of the greatest environmental tragedy ever perpetuated on the world by those smarmy English®, we bring you people and events that matter to their sworn enemies for all time, no matter what any treaty says! That’s right, we’re talking about The French™ so surrender your seriousness and grab a baguette, we’ve gotta get going or we’ll miss the last bus to Giverny! France shuts down on Good Friday (they’re good Catholics, well, the France we romanticize is), so we’re going to talk about what happened yesterday! OMGSHUTUPLETSGO
LA VIE!
(En ce qui entre parenthèses est absolument vide de sens)
Michel Rolle: 1652: That hair! So French™! A mathematician, which explains the adult onset acne*** (or is that supposed to be scruff?), he developed Rolle’s Theorem which states that “a differentiable function which attains equal values at two distinct points must have a point somewhere between them where the first derivative (the slope of the tangent line to the graph of the function) is zero” or f'(c)=0. He also hated calculus, which isn’t surprising since Wikipedia says he deserves to be credited with the invention of Gaussian elimination which stems from Newton’s notes and Newton invented calculus. J’accuse Rolle! J’accuse! The French™! Always at war with The English®! There is no known portrait of Rolle. Newton slashed them all****.
Michel Rolle: 1652: That hair! So French™! A mathematician, which explains the adult onset acne*** (or is that supposed to be scruff?), he developed Rolle’s Theorem which states that “a differentiable function which attains equal values at two distinct points must have a point somewhere between them where the first derivative (the slope of the tangent line to the graph of the function) is zero” or f'(c)=0. He also hated calculus, which isn’t surprising since Wikipedia says he deserves to be credited with the invention of Gaussian elimination which stems from Newton’s notes and Newton invented calculus. J’accuse Rolle! J’accuse! The French™! Always at war with The English®! There is no known portrait of Rolle. Newton slashed them all****.- 1774: Jean Baptiste-Biot: Watch out everyone! Rocks can fall from the sky at any moment! Not only that, they’ve been sent this way by aliens! Three run homer for the Orion Warriors! And The French™! They believed him! Meteorites are now considered scientific fact as opposed to sports history, which, really is a shame, because the Warriors went all the way that year for the first time in a lightyear*****.
- Jean-Baptiste, and how could he not be French with that smug face, also participated in the world’s very first hot air balloon ride! Is anyone shocked by the fact that the French conquered hot air? Anyways, he rode with some gay guy named Lussac. They talked about physics, if you know what we mean.
- He also studied polarization which gave us LCD televisions and camera filters. Bow to your French master. He lived in Paris, he died in Paris. He knew how fucking magnets worked.
1774: Jean Baptiste-Biot: Watch out everyone! Rocks can fall from the sky at any moment! Not only that, they’ve been sent this way by aliens! Three run homer for the Orion Warriors! And The French™! They believed him! Meteorites are now considered scientific fact as opposed to sports history, which, really is a shame, because the Warriors went all the way that year for the first time in a lightyear*****.1972: Gwendal Peizerat: Listen Gwendy, ice dancing is not a sport. No matter how many medals you win (silver at Nagano, gold at Salt Lake), no matter how much the Olympics tries to legitimize it, ice dancing is not a sport. Couldn’t you have been a figure skater like your cousin****** Jean? He never amounted to anything, but at least he had some athleticism!
- All you have is jazz and a pretty face, Fabio. You’re from Bron for chrissakes. You couldn’t do something more befitting of the Brawny paper towel guy? Oh, you don’t know who that is, Fabio? Of course you don’t. Get back to your theatrics, pretty boy. I’m sure the high school quarterback is really as interested in you as you want him to be. We’re sure he is.
- Anyways, we’re sure that after your “career” is over you can sell fake butter and be on romance novel covers. Oh wait, that job’s already taken by actor slash model Fabio! Dance away Gellert Grindelwald. Dance into the sunset and do your French thing. We don’t care.
LA MORT!
(La mort est tout sauf féminin, à moins, bien sûr, il est le résultat d’une cession)
- 1142: Pierre Abélard: Peter was a sexxxy theologian who is famous for sexxxing sexxxy French nun*******Héloïse. With all those accents and umlauts, how couldn’t he find her attractive? They met at the Notre Dame (the Parisian one) and it was love at first sight. She with her deep knowledge of classical letters in Greek, Latin and, oh!, HEBREW and him with his ability to spout theology and philosophy to thousands at once! Oh! Le petit mort! How couldn’t they be together? But, oh, it wasn’t to last. After one particular petit mort, Héloïse’s womb grew and grew until out popped a baby boy named Astrolabe (who would later become the inspiration for the Japenese AstroBoy********)
- To appease her uncle, they married secretly, so as not to harm Peter’s Important Man Career™. The uncle, j’accuse!, announced the marriage publicly and after Pierre sent Héloïse to a convent, Fulbert, the uncle, castrated him! He castrated him! Why? Because he thought Pierre wanted to be rid of Héloïse who was then forced to become a nun and write letters saying how sad she was because all she ever wanted to do was be a can can dancer at the Moulin Rouge which hadn’t even been built yet which is probably why Fulbert was always so confused by his niece. She spouted crazy talk. Witch? Maybe that’s why she was forced to be a nun. She was a witch*********.
- 1699: Jean Racine: He wrote plays at the same time as Moliere and was considered one of the Big Three. Unlike Moliere, he wrote tragedies. He drank too much and died of liver cancer. Obviously, the following video is all that needs to be said of Jean:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hXzKnVgMdU
LE VIOLENCE!
(Dans lequel je suis pas par des traducteurs)
- 1809: Battle of Eckmühl: Oh, it’s on. It’s on like Donkey Kong! BANG! POW! SHOOT EM UP! Napoleon took control of the horribly named “Campaign of 1809” after having to, oh my god le grande mort, retreat eleven days earlier after a surprise attack when the war began. However, Napoleon didn’t know that the French garrison of Ratibone had fallen to the Austrians and inadvertently gave the remaining Austrian calvalry (since he killed about a third of Austria’s army) a route to escape. Damn Austrians. Why can’t you just let The French™ have what’s theirs!? Oh, because it’s not? Oh, well, that seems fair. You go on with your bad selves. Bee tee dubs, Napoleon the Short (ohmahgawdguyzthatssowittyandoriginal) showed up and rotated the entire French army with his mere presence. Now, that’s a leader!
D’AURES TRUCS SYMPA QUI S’EST PASSÉ AUJOUD’HUI!
(Certains cela n’a rien à voir avec le français)
- 753: OMG NEW AND IMPROVED! Twins found Rome™! Rome™ conquers France sometime later.
- 33: OMG BETRAYAL! Judas betrays his buddy for some silver. The French™ go cuckoo for the buddy sometime later.
- 1519: OMG SHINY! French neighbor’s Spanish son Hernan lands in Veracruz and begins slaughtering everyone due to his gold-lust. The Aztec™ never saw it coming until sometime later.
- 1898: OMG WAR! The United States (patent pending), with land purchased sometime before by The French™, declare that they’re at war with Spain! The Spanish find out sometime later
- 1910: OMG A COMET! It flies over France and the rest of the world, too, we guess, but mainly France.
- 1910: OMG SAD! Comedian Mark Twain, born under a comet, on land originally owned by The French™ sometime before the Louisiana Purchase, dies under the same comet that flies over France and, we guess, Connecticut, but mainly France.
- 1952: OMG SECRETARIES! It’s Secretaries Day! Canadian fellow David Rakoff has a story about how when he was an assistant at a publishing company, he and all the other assistants would take the day off so as not to be confused as secretaries. These shenanigans would obviously go over well with the class obsessed French.
- 1994: OMG ASTRONOMY! How many Poles does it take to find an extrasolar planet? Just one! Aleksander Wolszczan! Poland is near France (sort of, not really) and we know that the aliens on extrasolar planets are just goo goo for French cinema. We just know it!
You know what? Fuck The French™. We always liked American boys better. See you on Tuesday, birds, for more historical accuracy. We’re outta here (until Photo Phriday. Stop by that!)!
*Southwest Ontario is what we call Detroit. Mainly because of Tim Horton’s and hockey.
**Life, Death and Violence is not and has never been America’s number one source for environmental journalism.
***People who study mathematics are no more likely to get adult onset acne than people who study, say, business.
****Mr. Newton is not responsible for the absence of any portrait of Mr. Rolle.
*****We are aware a lightyear is a measure of distance, not a measure of time.
******We have no proof that Mr. Peizerat has a figure skating cousin named Jean.
*******Héloïse did not become a nun until after the culmination of her affair with Pierre. This obviously diminishes how sexxxy they were together.
********Mr. Astrolabe is not the inspiration for AstroBoy.
*********Ms. Héloïse was not a witch. She was a very nice person by all accounts who found herself in a bad situation.
Let’s say you’re walking past a Starbucks, or a whatever, and you decide, “Fuck man, I’m thirsty! Well, actually, not really thirsty, because if I was, I wouldn’t drink something that’s gonna dehydrate me. But, I’m going through withdraw and need something caffeinated, and probably loaded with sugar and carbs.” So, it’s time to go in and get yourself some coffee, or coffee-like beverages.
Before you do, though, you need to prepare. If you’re not used to this, it might be time to step to the side of the sidewalk and collect yourself. First thing, are you on the phone? Well, before you go inside, you might want to finish that conversation up. Why? Because you aren’t that interesting and the people inside don’t give a shit about what you have to say. Harsh, I know, but it’s true, and like Tania and Rhonda, I tell it like it is.
So, you’re done with your phone conversation and have hung up and are interested in entering the store. First, though, take a look inside. Is there a line? Can you see how many folks are working behind the counter? These all will affect how things go later on. Also, are you in a rush? We’ll get to ordering later, but if there’s a really long line and only 2-3 people behind the counter, chances are that no matter what you order, it’s going to take a while. Also, unless you’re sleeping with one of the baristas, your demands of being served first will only end in more time being wasted and possibly receiving a decaf drink.
Now open the door. Feel that nice breeze coming from the rush of temperature controlled air blowing past you to the outside. Isn’t it nice? Well, it’s not nice to us inside. Usually, the inside is nice and temperature controlled so that if it’s hot outside, then it’s cool inside, and vice versa. You, however, are standing in the doorway for no reason and screwing that delicate balance up. While there are times this can be excusable (aka, you’re holding the door open for a wheelchair bound elderly orphan with a puppy with sad eyes), sometimes, you’re just holding it open for no reason. Maybe you’re finishing up that phone conversation you should have finished up outside. Maybe you’re trying to decide if you left your vibrator on. Maybe you have temporary blindness and don’t realize that there are two doors to a set of double doors (though, in your defense, sometimes one door IS locked, even if it is against fire code). Either way, it’d be swell if you could just hurry up and get inside, instead of blocking other people and causing a general nuisance. Get in, or get out. Shit or get off the pot. Don’t be a dog in a manger.
You’re inside, now. Breathe. Relax. See, that wasn’t that difficult? It’s not like this is rocket science, righ. … wait, um, you seem to have something on your face. No, really. It’s around your eye region. What? You can’t see it cause it’s so dark? Here, let me help you with that. Yeah, I’m just gonna take those off… Better right? As Sister Mary Clarence put it, “There is no sun in this room. You will not get a tan. Take off those sunglasses. That goes for you too. If they’re not prescription, I don’t wanna see ’em. I want to see you. I want to look into your eyes. I want you to be able to look into mine.”
So, you’ve managed to navigate how to physically enter the store without being a total douche. Congratulations! Unfortunately, you have another hurdle. You have to place your order without being a total jerk, but we’ll deal with that next time.
Dorky songs on your workout playlist! C’mon, we all have them.
What’s on your workout list?
If you’ve read my article about me boxing, you know I get INTO that shit. I like songs that pump up and kick ass.
Tops on my list:
- The Theme to Rocky. Of course. Because that’s the Nor’Easter running past you, through Queens, on her way to Philadelphia, where I’m going to run up those steps someday.
- “Eye of the Tiger” — the Survivor Version and the Gloria Gaynor version
- “I Will Survive” — speaking of Ms. Gaynor
- “We’re Not Gonna Take It” — Twisted Sister. Because I’m not going take it. I’m going to punch you, mofo.
- “Cum On Feel the Noize” — Quiet Riot. Yeah, I said Quiet Riot. Not Slade.
- “Theme to St. Elmo’s Fire” — because I am where the Eagles are flying, higher and higher
- “Straight Outta Compton’ — N.W.A. I could not be less outta Compton. I am a white woman from the suburbs of Boston. But I wrap up my hands and throw punches to this sweet ditty, I am gangsta.
- “Back in the Saddle” — Aerosmith. Because I am Boston girl, and I would love to play horsie with Steven Tyler.
I’m sorry, was that last one out loud?
Gurrls, Kay Martina here to lay it out for you with value and style. My sisters and I are ready to pour the “T” for you. Let’s start with Miss Marsha Dimes.
Marsha Dimes here, sweetie, to tell you all about the big mess in the skies. Did you think about flying on a plane any time soon? Well, be sure to send a coffee up to the air traffic controller’s office before you board the plane, miss girl, because they are gonna need it. The FAA’s decision a while ago to cut staff has laid some eggs which hatched in the form of air traffic controllers sleeping on the job. Girl, I know how it is. There I was, working my corner for my usual afternoon shift and then along comes Big Daddy to tell me I need to work the Republican Party headquarters on the overnight shift. Shoot. A girl needs her beauty sleeps before she’s going to party with those freaks. But no, Big Daddy says they want a ladyboy and pronto, so off I go to the hotel, and there they are, slavering away like they do. Oh lord, they move so slow! By the time any of them were ready to do anything, I had fallen asleep in the corner. Just like those air traffic controllers! And don’t you know not one of those selfish Republican bastards would share a bump of coke with me? Hmph. Serves ’em right they had to pleasure themselves on my while I napped. Well, enough about me, I’m gonna throw it to Miss Selma Babiesforcrack.
Selma in the house! I heard over in the UK that more than 80,000 people are on the dole (that’s what they call the unemplerments over there) and the reasons they give for not being able to work are hitting the bottle too hard, being addicted to drugs, or being overweight. Hey now, Amy Winehouse has the first two and she’s got a job, mmmkay? She needs to go on the TV and tell these lazy mofo’s it is time to get off the couch and into the streets. About being overweight, honey, you know there’s always phone sex work. Lots of lonely menz need a friendly voice to talk to and you don’t even have to leave your house. You don’t even have to be able to read for that job, just gots to have a filthy mouth. Stay away from the Orbit gum and you’ll do fine. Now here comes Natalie Attired, and she knows a little something about an oral oopsie.
Yes! Miss Natalie is ready to tell you about Maria Topp, who visited her boyfriend at his house and tried to bite off his balls, honey. Lorena Bobbitt called and said hey, I already worked this corner, miss thing. I’m not sure if this is a statement, her trying to tell him he’s got no balls, but maybe that’s where she was trying to go with this. Then again, it’s hard to tell someone they’ve got not balls when your mouth is full of their balls, so maybe her plan needed a lil more thought before she just went for it.
Miss Frieda Fondle with some loser news for you people — failed actor and right wing nut job Dwight Schultz, former host of a podcast called “Howling Mad Radio,” reports that our President is going to force him to change his gender. Hmm. Let’s see. This child had a very minor part on Star Trek: The Next Generation in the 90’s. And after that? Um, he’s off the radar. So then he does his podcast and lord knows what that is but it sounds like something that Big Daddy charges a lot of money for. So mister freaky deaky says this: “Sometimes when I listen to this administration and I look carefully at the people who have been appointed, I don’t wonder whether or not someday they’re going to be knocking on the door saying, ‘You know, it’s time for your sex change. You got it. It’s in your health care bill. It’s going to make things a lot easier. I promise.’” I don’t know why he thinks that the health care reform bill, which the Republicans totally stripped down and made useless, is going to pay for anything. For reals, okayy? Shoot. You know I can’t get assistance for a pair of heels or a wig hat, I don’t see how this no-talent whiny chile thinks he’s going to get anything out of the feds.
Last up is Miss Sheesa Beehatch, talking about The Donald and his roadkill toupee. Lord, what’s under his wighat? He thinks he can make a run for President as a Republican. A few short years ago, he was all about paying off the deficit, raising taxes, taking care of people. Now, he’s a teabagger, a birther, and he says no more government hand outs, and seriously, no raising taxes on people who have money, mmmkay? I, Sheesa Beehatch, am here to call shenanigans on this. The Donald is just drumming up ratings for his loony fake celebrity show on TV. Carpetbagger. Shooz. He’s a Johnny-Come-Lately, and by that I mean I doubt he has come lately because look at him!
Okay, that’s all the “T” we’ve got for you today. Be sure to pay attention next time when we talk about crazy drunk Russian President Dmitry Medvedev and his shexsay dance moves. Oh shoot, hon, here they are right now.
Sources: BBC News, Yahoo News, OnTop Magazine
Who can forget the first time they saw five attractive but slightly different looking men reaching out from the radio or TV screen and begging you to be their girl? Truth be told, boy bands have been around for a very long time. The Jackson 5 was technically a boy bad and one that actually played their own instruments (or get beat by Crazy Old Man Jackson). The brilliance is undeniable (oh and look who shows up at the end of the video).
My favorite boy band of all time (yes, I know all the choreography of this video by heart) is New Edition. Not only did they have so many great hits starting with “Candy Girl,” but they broke up to give us the wonderment of Bobby Brown – BOBBAAAAYYYY!!!!, Bell Biv Devoe, a sensitive Ralph Tresvant and later Johnny Gill, my my my.
Then these guys came along acting like they invented the boy bad. To be fair, the reaction to them was like they invented the boy band. Seeing them in concert – I had a good reason – what just that because I could not hear a single thing over the constant shrieking of prepubescent girls…and their moms.