http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuPXDuqicmo
Jon “Don Jon” Martello (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) cares only about a few things: his guys, his girls, his pad, his car, his family, his church and his porn. Continue reading
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuPXDuqicmo
Jon “Don Jon” Martello (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) cares only about a few things: his guys, his girls, his pad, his car, his family, his church and his porn. Continue reading
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHXGn0pjAGw
Men! Man your battle-stations! Women! Woman your battle-stations! Children! Shouldn’t you be in school? Oh, it’s the weekend? FINE! Child your battle-stations! Little Birds, an alien threat is upon us. They wish to destroy our entire way of life. They wish to destroy the squirrels. They wish to destroy the hippopotamuses. They wish to destroy our supermarkets and our bodegas. They wish to destroy our LensCrafters. They wish to destroy our embassies. They wish to destroy Disneyland. They wish to destroy Disney World. They have issued a press release stating that the do not wish to destroy Disney California Adventure because they think that one’s kind of fun. Rubes! Rubes we say! Philistines! Philistines we shriek! They even, and we’re struggling to say this. It’s like all of the air has been Dyson’d out of our bodies, but, we’re going to try. Birds, they wish to destroy…
Little birds, while researching today’s article, we came across some shocking news. Barbie™, everyone’s favorite doll, was, at one time, an SS Hauptsturmführer known as The Butcher of Lyon. She tortured men, women, and children (we assume this is why Kelly™ always looks like she’s afraid of something despite living the glamorous life of a plastic doll in Los Angeles) through electroshock and forcing them to have sex with dogs. That’s right. Everyone’s favorite Special Education Teacher/Paratrooper/Pet Stylist is a murderer who was put on trial for her war crimes today in 1987. We assume she was declared innocent (though, clearly, she wasn’t) as she became President of the United States in 2000, stealing Hilary Clinton’s glory after a previous failed attempt in 1992. Perhaps her crimes were still in the memories of our nation’s peoples. Perhaps that’s why she lost to the nation’s First Black President™, Billiam Clinton.
Oh my god. We really can’t believe that we’re standing up here, talking to all of you people. We’ve worked so hard and we’ve failed so much so that, we’re sorry for tearing up. We really are! It’s just, we’re so happy right now. We mean, obviously we have to thank the Academy for rewarding us with this great achievement that all of the other nominees deserved just as much. Go you! Go you! We’re all winners, even if we’re the ones with the statue. Oh! We’re just a little hot up here (fans selves). This is just so exciting! We came from a small town without the support of anyone but screw you all now! Screw you all! We made it and you’re watching us on television right now! We made it! We made it. (softer) We made it. And it’s all because we believed. We believed in our writers. We believed in our producers. We believed in the little people that make this all happen and, of course, we believed in God because He’s the one that gave us all this talent and He’s the one that’s opened up the doors so that we could share it, not only with everyone in this room, but with everyone in the world. (raises trophy above head) We did it!
Continue reading
Good morning little birds! Oh dear, oh me, oh my! You’re all covered in residue from the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. And on Earth Day too! We’ve got to get you cleaned up, but we’re all out of Dawn™ or whatever detergent is the one that has those commercials of workers cleaning ducks. Covered in black gold on Earth Day! Oh dear, oh me, oh my! Let’s get clean with Joseph:
There! All clean! You’re no longer an endangered species! We’ve saved you! But because you’re all such individuals, maybe you are endangered. We know for sure that LaZiguezon is endangered. That Canadian weather, man! We don’t think we could handle it and we live in Southwest Ontario*! Anyways, it’s Life, Death and Violence™, America’s number one source for environmental journalism** and jokes about The French™. Oh, the French™! And on this day, the anniversary of the greatest environmental tragedy ever perpetuated on the world by those smarmy English®, we bring you people and events that matter to their sworn enemies for all time, no matter what any treaty says! That’s right, we’re talking about The French™ so surrender your seriousness and grab a baguette, we’ve gotta get going or we’ll miss the last bus to Giverny! France shuts down on Good Friday (they’re good Catholics, well, the France we romanticize is), so we’re going to talk about what happened yesterday! OMGSHUTUPLETSGO
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hXzKnVgMdU
You know what? Fuck The French™. We always liked American boys better. See you on Tuesday, birds, for more historical accuracy. We’re outta here (until Photo Phriday. Stop by that!)!
*Southwest Ontario is what we call Detroit. Mainly because of Tim Horton’s and hockey.
**Life, Death and Violence is not and has never been America’s number one source for environmental journalism.
***People who study mathematics are no more likely to get adult onset acne than people who study, say, business.
****Mr. Newton is not responsible for the absence of any portrait of Mr. Rolle.
*****We are aware a lightyear is a measure of distance, not a measure of time.
******We have no proof that Mr. Peizerat has a figure skating cousin named Jean.
*******Héloïse did not become a nun until after the culmination of her affair with Pierre. This obviously diminishes how sexxxy they were together.
********Mr. Astrolabe is not the inspiration for AstroBoy.
*********Ms. Héloïse was not a witch. She was a very nice person by all accounts who found herself in a bad situation.
Good morning my little birds and Happy Tuesday! You know, we’ve been feeling like this thing has been going in the wrong direction. More crass than sass, if you get the gist, so on today’s program, we’re going back to basics. Now, that’s a very broad statement, so we must ask ourselves, what do we mean by that? We don’t want to rehash past glories and we certainly don’t want to offend anyone with our blatant inaccuracies, poor judgments and crude jokes (this is, after all, the column that once quipped ‘Remember that group of anti-Nazi protesters whose members were arrested last week, The White Rose? Yeah, they were executed.’), but, honestly, we think there’s too much hot boy. It’s distracting! That’s not to say that we are discontinuing the Life, Death and Violence Crush Object™, but we will be taking a break from the male models for a hot second and going back to that boy we all know and love. That’s right, birds, he’s back:
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What the hell is going on? This is what you’re saying. We know it’s what you’re saying because we can read your minds here at Life, Death and Violence, your #1 source for poor research and bad jokes about Joseph Gordon Levitt:
Joseph Gordon Levitt walked into a bar. He woke up a week later in the hospital.
#Cracktalk has returned, but we lost a day, so we must make it up. We must avenge Friday by talking about Saturday and its holier than thou sister Sunday. Are you ready for the weekend? It’s basically over already, so, whatever. Who cares. Let’s get to it, little birds. Welcome to Video Weekends.
We have an Oscar party to get ready for. Bye. See you on Monday for a real one of these.