What’s that? You say you’re calling from 2011 and phonecalls in LA now cost two bits? Dude, that like totally bites! It’s bushwa!
Well, as it’s on your nickel(s) I’ll make it quick. They say Los Angeles is the city of Angels but in my experience, it’s the City where everyone has an Angle, so I’ll get straight to the point. My moll and I here have all the latest celebrity gossip, and we just can’t keep it to ourselves, so consider this your lucky day. Yeah, yeah, don’t cast a kitten, we’ll give you the goods, the genuine goods, none of that phonus bolonus. I know you’re hip to the jive, so pipe down, grab yourself a joram of skee, and listen up, old pal.
By the way, do you have any idea who any of these fellas is? Some Limey just gave me this list and told me to read it to you. Some kinda doctor or something, said he was, but he looked like a fly boy to me.
Elephants are great aren’t they? We generally like elephants. There’s not much we usually find uninviting about the pachyderm. He’s usually large, lovable; perhaps he has large floppy ears and can fly like some sort of winged wrinkle-skinned angel mammal. Fantastic. But not in this case. In this case the elephants are like people, and they are more like matchmakers. The E Harmony of the wild if you will. The elephant will help a young vampire and Elle Woods find happiness. No, that’s not right. The elephant will help two circus players find love amongst the tents.
Water for Elephants
Oh, crud. I was rooting for this one. It had all the dreamy, soft focus stuff that usually impresses critics…but not this time.
Based on the acclaimed bestseller, Water for Elephants presents an unexpected romance in a uniquely compelling setting. Veterinary school student Jacob meets and falls in love with Marlena, a star performer in a circus of a bygone era. They discover beauty amidst the world of the Big Top, and come together through their compassion for a special elephant. Against all odds — including the wrath of Marlena’s charismatic but dangerous husband, August — Jacob and Marlena find lifelong love.
What you can expect: Long distressed glances, a dastardly villain, Reese clad in circus frill, and Robert Pattinson’s huge cranium in suspenders. Is this Twilight without the angsty Kristen Bella and all her awkward pause-speak? No, no, it doesn’t look like it. It looks a bit more grown up than that, even though still in a chaste, longing way. It wants to be a watered down Titanic, what with the unattainable beauty, the lost boy looking for love, the maniacal man caught in the middle, and some sort of horrific, terrible thing that happens one night at the circus — but with elephants and a train. Some have said the story is predictable — but aren’t all these soapy period dramas just that — predictable? We know Christoph Waltz with his “bad guy hairdo” will make us hope he falls off a trapeze or something, just like we know Rob and Reese holding vigil with that elephant doesn’t mean they’re running away just to open an elephant refuge. Even though the critics have found it a bit lacking, at least one praises the old-timey feel. Roger Ebert says, “In an age of prefabricated special effects and obviously phony spectacle, it’s sort of old-fashioned (and a pleasure) to see a movie made of real people and plausible sets.”
What could annoy: The predictable. Yes, well, apparently this movie has its story written on its sleeve. While both Oscar winners Waltz and Witherspoon are said to be more than formidable in this film, there’s just too much formula here. Robert Pattinson’s performance also seems to reside in the vicinity of a glorified Gossip Girl character. Ouch. Somewhere Blake Lively just had a squeee and preened in her candy-striped headband. Urgh. And then there’s the whole depression-era circus element. I’m not sure, but I can’t imagine a depression-era circus being much fun. It seems like it would be pretty miserable in fact, and probably smelly — and full of scary orangutans.
Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family
It really doesn’t matter what the critics think because Tyler Perry will keep wearing a wig and beating people with shoes no matter what you or anybody says ever! Helllerrrrr!
Madea jumps into action when her niece, Shirley, receives distressing news about her health. All Shirley wants is to gather her three adult children around her and share the news as a family. But Tammy, Kimberly and Byron are too distracted by their own problems: Tammy can’t manage her unruly children or her broken marriage; Kimberly is gripped with anger and takes it out on her husband; and Byron, after spending two years in jail, is under pressure to deal drugs again. It’s up to Madea, with the help of the equally rambunctious Aunt Bam, to gather the clan together and make things right.
What you can expect: Oh, dear me. Well, let’s see, I think we can expect that Tyler Perry dressed in Tyler Perry’s Madea clothes will yell at people, threaten to beat them with a pot of grits, get into some sort of crazy man in a dress pickle, and then have the entire family rally around these antics because this is the same movie Tyler Perry does every Tyler Perry second for forever when he’s wearing his Tyler Perry Madea’s Biscuits and Girdle Suit. The end.
What could annoy: Spending money to see Tyler Perry in his ninth (NINTH!) Madea movie. But then if you’re spending money to see Tyler Perry in his ninth Madea movie then you don’t understand what this means, so carry on, he has a house in Miami he’s renovating.
When notary Lebel (Rémy Girard) sits down with Jeanne and Simon Marwan (Mélissa Désormeaux-Poulin, Maxim Gaudette) to read them their mother’s will Nawal (Lubna Azabal), the twins are stunned to receive a pair of envelopes – one for the father they thought was dead and another for a brother they didn’t know existed. With Lebel’s help, the twins piece together the story of the woman who brought them into the world, discovering a tragic fate forever marked by war and hatred as well as the courage of an exceptional woman.
The short and sweet: Tough, unflinching drama about family secrets, what we would sacrifice to know the truth of our existence, and just what it means to finally understand who and what our parents are, and their place in this world. Impactful story that challenges borders and boundaries.
Stake Land
A horror film full of vampires and zombies the critics actually like? We must have gone back in time:
America is a lost nation. When an epidemic of vampirism strikes, humans find themselves on the run from vicious, feral beasts. Cities are tombs and survivors cling together in rural pockets, fearful of nightfall. When his family is slaughtered, young Martin (“Gossip Girl’s” Connor Paolo) is taken under the wing of a grizzled, wayward hunter (Nick Damici) whose new prey is the Undead. Simply known as Mister, the vampire stalker takes Martin on a journey through the locked-down towns of America’s heartland, searching for a better place while taking down any bloodsuckers that cross their path.
The short and sweet: Well, now, an apocalyptic vampire/zombie movie! Hmmm, yes, well, we’ve seen this all before, no? Are we tired of this yet? If watching it on film wasn’t enough, those undead jokers have infiltrated our television screens thanks to AMC. Apparently, there’s still some story left to tell about blood-sucking, rotting creepy-crawlies. Okay. I get it. One day someone will make the quintessential vampire/zombie movie that tops all other vampire/zombie movies and then finally we’ll be able to say with certainty that the genre has been well and dutifully covered. This isn’t it. Know how I know? Russell Brand is nowhere to be found.
(I’m probably going to see this…you know, for comparative research.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNC2HwAaWWE
POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold
A comical documentary about advertising and consumerism in the USA. You guys do know people buy Snuggies for their dogs, right? The critics think this is a good idea:
Filmmaker Morgan Spurlock examines the world of product placement, marketing and advertising by making a film entirely financed by product placement and advertising. These days, it seems like you can’t even walk down the street without someone trying to sell you something. It’s gotten to the point where practically the entire American experience is brought to us by some corporation. In this comical exploration and thorough exploitation of Morgan Spurlock, The Greatest Movie Ever Sold explores the world of advertising and marketing as Morgan uses his integrity as currency to sell out to the highest bidder.
The short and sweet: Hey, that guy that almost went into renal failure by eating nothing but McDonalds has decided to research advertising and marketing in this country. Well, yay! Because really I’d like to know why Crazy Sugar Pop Zooms! are so much better than regular old, Puffed Corn? Can we know this? I’m afraid that the answer is just that we’re stupid, stupid people who buy things that are shiny, full of blingeeness, and simply because we like things called Crazy Sugar Pop Zooms! because it makes us smile like drunk donkeys, but you know, Spurlock, you tell us what the corporate bigwigs say…”Yes, we’re dumb.” Thanks, Morgan!
