manners

Let’s say you’re walking past a Starbucks, or a whatever, and you decide, “Fuck man, I’m thirsty! Well, actually, not really thirsty, because if I was, I wouldn’t drink something that’s gonna dehydrate me. But, I’m going through withdraw and need something caffeinated, and probably loaded with sugar and carbs.” So, it’s time to go in and get yourself some coffee, or coffee-like beverages.

Before you do, though, you need to prepare. If you’re not used to this, it might be time to step to the side of the sidewalk and collect yourself. First thing, are you on the phone? Well, before you go inside, you might want to finish that conversation up. Why? Because you aren’t that interesting and the people inside don’t give a shit about what you have to say. Harsh, I know, but it’s true, and like Tania and Rhonda, I tell it like it is.

 

So, you’re done with your phone conversation and have hung up and are interested in entering the store. First, though, take a look inside. Is there a line? Can you see how many folks are working behind the counter? These all will affect how things go later on. Also, are you in a rush? We’ll get to ordering later, but if there’s a really long line and only 2-3 people behind the counter, chances are that no matter what you order, it’s going to take a while. Also, unless you’re sleeping with one of the baristas, your demands of being served first will only end in more time being wasted and possibly receiving a decaf drink.

 

Now open the door. Feel that nice breeze coming from the rush of temperature controlled air blowing past you to the outside. Isn’t it nice? Well, it’s not nice to us inside. Usually, the inside is nice and temperature controlled so that if it’s hot outside, then it’s cool inside, and vice versa. You, however, are standing in the doorway for no reason and screwing that delicate balance up. While there are times this can be excusable (aka, you’re holding the door open for a wheelchair bound elderly orphan with a puppy with sad eyes), sometimes, you’re just holding it open for no reason. Maybe you’re finishing up that phone conversation you should have finished up outside. Maybe you’re trying to decide if you left your vibrator on. Maybe you have temporary blindness and don’t realize that there are two doors to a set of double doors (though, in your defense, sometimes one door IS locked, even if it is against fire code). Either way, it’d be swell if you could just hurry up and get inside, instead of blocking other people and causing a general nuisance. Get in, or get out. Shit or get off the pot. Don’t be a dog in a manger.

 

You’re inside, now. Breathe. Relax. See, that wasn’t that difficult? It’s not like this is rocket science, righ. … wait, um, you seem to have something on your face. No, really. It’s around your eye region. What? You can’t see it cause it’s so dark? Here, let me help you with that. Yeah, I’m just gonna take those off… Better right? As Sister Mary Clarence put it, “There is no sun in this room. You will not get a tan. Take off those sunglasses. That goes for you too. If they’re not prescription, I don’t wanna see ’em. I want to see you. I want to look into your eyes. I want you to be able to look into mine.”

 

So, you’ve managed to navigate how to physically enter the store without being a total douche. Congratulations! Unfortunately, you have another hurdle. You have to place your order without being a total jerk, but we’ll deal with that next time.