So last time we updated you on Crassballin’, the official Crasstalk March Madness Bracket Contest, a certain Dancing Queen was cruising to glory on the backs of her own Arizona Wildcats and their utter destruction of Duke. Continue reading
Daily Archives: April 1, 2011
14 posts
Happy Friday! Hope you have some great plans for the weekend. A quick reminder that there will be a Writer’s Workshop this Sunday evening for those who want to work on some ideas for new posts. Please stop by and share your inspiration. Continue reading
Welcome to the April Fools’ edition of Photo Phriday! I hope your day was full of merriment, pranks, and foolishness. It has come to my attention many of you are having a bad day/week/month/life. Wasn’t this week one of the worst? However, you know what always makes me feel better?
Seeing someone smile.
So, I want to see your smile! If you’re too self-conscious to show us your pearly whites, feel free to post a picture of something that makes you grin every time you lay eyes on it. This could include pictures of, well, just about anything! The only rule is the picture has to make you smile.
- This guy knows what to do.
Have fun, babes!
Just follow these helpful tips for image sharing, adapted from previous Photo Phriday instructions:
- This is the magic computer code you use to make pictures appear: [img src=”PHOTO URL HERE”]. NOTE: Replace the brackets with the carrots < >.
- And it’s a URL, not photo file. Crasstalk doesn’t accept files from your hard drive – only from the Internet. You can upload your photo to Facebook, Flickr, TinyPic, or any other online photo hosting site to generate a URL for the photo.
- Also, be sure to add a few words of text with your picture so it doesn’t get tripped up in the site’s spam filter.
- To pick up an image online, right click (or ctrl-click on a Mac) on an image and select “View Image.” Copy-and-paste the URL and plug it into the img src html code.
- To upload the picture you found, this is what you type (again, replacing the brackets with the greater than and less than symbols < >):
[img src=”http://www.smilessmilesandmoresmiles.com/grinning.jpg”]
Last week, we got a good laugh at a dating related story from a commenter, and the theme of relationships, in their various forms, carried over into the new week.
As we’ve built and shaped this site over the last few months, we’ve gotten to know each other better, and seen friendships and relationships grow and change. It’s good stuff, really. All part of the human experience. If we didn’t have feelings, well, we’d be just like any other animal, like a cow, or something.
Of course, the downside is that sometimes feelings get hurt:
And, while that can actually be amusing, it’s more fun for even the coldest of us to watch people get along:
Even so, we’re a cynical bunch. We know that not everyone is who they say there are online. We’ve had enough online dating stories around here to know this. It’s to the point that even when someone says we’re exactly what they are looking for, we’re still not inclined to believe them:
Of course, if there weren’t services marketing fake girlfriends for the purpose of impressing your friends on social networks, we wouldn’t have all this skepticism. Though, people like Chris might be skeptical no matter what, and that’s how we get a Comment of the Week:
But really, LCL and Madfall, good for you guys.
And again, thank you to everyone for your submissions for the week. One request your kind witch makes: If you send a nom from an open thread, please tell me which thread it is, those things are hard to comb through, and we have a lot of open threads. Further, if you have the ability to send a screen shot, even better. The email address, as always: [email protected]. Cheers!
Hybrid Tea Roses – A primer!
Hybrid Tea roses have a bit of a reputation as pampered princesses in the garden which require a lot of work. To some extent, this is true. However, with a bit of preventive care, any weekend warrior can enjoy the mesmerizing beauty of these wonderful flowers.
Why Hybrid Tea?
Flowers of early cultivars were said to smell of tea, though citrus and berry scents are very prevalent today. These roses are grafted onto a hardy rootstock. In the nursery, you will be able to see this as a small round knob (called a bud union) near the base of the plant. More on this when we get to actual planting.
Location / growth habit: full sun, and well-drained soil. They need to bake in the sun all day if possible, though 6 hours of full sun will produce a good result. Roses are usually planted in groups because this makes care easier. Roses do not like wet feet, so heavy clay soils will need to be amended to include some sand and organic matter. Sandier soils will require the addition of organic matter and plenty of mulch around the base of the plant. Tea roses grow from 3 to 6 feet in height. Generally, they produce one flower at the end of each stem and flower from early summer until fall.
Varieties: A few favorites of mine, which Dad had me plant at The Ancestral Family Split Level as a 30th anniversary gift to MomCrocker. We chose mainly vintage varieties for their proven performance and spectacular fragrance.
Mr. Lincoln – deep red, fragrant: http://www.rose-gardening-made-easy.com
Tropicana – coral, citrus fragrance: http://www.waysidegardens.com
Peace – pink, yellow… and historic! http://scvrs.homestead.com
Garden Party – white with faint pink and yellow – http://www.rose-roses.com
Queen Elizabeth – breathtaking clear pink – http://www.rose-gardening-made-easy.com
Midas Touch – sun yellow and citrusy – http://www.rose-gardening-made-easy.com
Medallion – deep apricot – http://www.heirloomroses.com
We added others later, but tried to give the garden a vintage style that fit the nearby slate terrace and the woods behind our backyard. A solar-powered small fountain attracts birds. Now, after 20 years of TLC, Mom’s roses are what draw people out of the kitchen during summer parties. This isn’t hers – we used lavender as a border – but it’s close enough to give you the idea.
So you’ve selected your rose, hopefully a container-grown sturdy specimen with dark glossy leaves. How to plant? In general, that bud union goes an inch or two below ground in places with harsh winters, and an inch or so above in temperate places. Your local nursery owner can help you decide. Put some well-rotted cow manure or compost in the hole along with a light application of fertilizer such as Rose Tone or Osmocote. Mulch your new charge with shredded cedar, keeping the mulch an inch away from the stem. And always water from beneath, keeping water off the leaves, lest ye get…
BLACK SPOT! Sworn enemy of tea roses, black spot can ruin an entire garden. It’s a fungal disease that attacks the leaves, eventually moving on to the stems and killing the whole plant. Dust-type fungicides are helpful, but you must attack this immediately if you see it. Any leaf with a yellow spot and a black center must be removed and discarded – never in the compost pile.
Another enemy is aphids, an insect which sucks the life out of the buds and new growth of plants. These are easily controlled with an dust-type insecticide. Organic types may wish to try manual removal (smush them like a Jersey Shore DTF’er) or by purchasing live ladybugs, but my experience is that ladybugs keep some alive and use them as “cows”, petting them with their little legs until nectar is secreted. Yuck.
Fertilize carefully and well, following package directions. Pull back the mulch, work the fertilizer gently into the soil with your fingers, water, then put the mulch back. Don’t fertilize too late in the season, as this will encourage tender growth which can be damaged by frost. Prune in late winter, removing any damaged canes or canes that cross each other. Aim for an open shape and remove no more than 50% of the old growth. (Note – some roses prefer a more serious pruning. Check with the grower.)
Companion plants: Some people like to plant a low border around their rose bed. I have found lavender to be excellent for this purpose, as it likes the same growing conditions and the silvery gray foliage and purple or white flowers are a nice contrast. Heather also looks good because it blooms way before the roses do. Low growing annuals such as Sweet Alyssum or Lobelia can provide summer color as well.
Try a Hybrid Tea in a sunny spot. You may be surprised at how easy they are and how prolific their flowers are.
By DahlELama and The_Obvious
As you guys know, we generally write posts about what famous people are up to these days. However, our observations of our audience have led us to the realization that you guys like cats way more than you like people, and in honor of April Fool’s Day, we’re going to pretend that we do too! So grab your playbill and follow along as we look at what became of the stars of the musical Cats!
Bustopher Jones is not skin and bones, in fact he’s remarkably fat. Jones always had a healthy appetite for fame and food, living the high life on gaudy St. James Street and gorging on everything in sight. As time passed, Jones’s girth grew and his friends disappeared, and so did all traces of his fame. Desperate to remain in the spotlight, he fired his agent and appeared on Maury, MTV’s Fat Camp, and his own E! True Hollywood Story Bustopher Jones Fat Cat: From Highballs to Hairballs. He is currently in contract negotiations for his own show on TLC.
Mr. Mistoffelees (stage name) was a scrappy kitten, duping tourists into games of 3 Card Monte on the corner with his fast-talking, charming persona. Possessing a natural gift for sleight-of-hand card tricks, Mistoffelees made enough money to purchase his first magic kit. He worked his way up from magician’s assistant, to opening act, to being named his species’ David Copperfield. His future was bright until one fateful day when his assistant showed up to work drunk. A true professional, Mistoffelees knew the show must go on and climbed into the box to be sawed in half. The lights were dimmed, the music dramatic, and his assistant: pie-faced. The screams were deafening, the sight horrific, blood was everywhere! Mr. Mistoffelees was cut in half, unable to be put back together, Me-OUCH! Being able to eat with your front half and use the litter box with your back half at the same time? Now that’s magic!
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer continued to grow closer as the show went on, but some might say they got a little too close. When the dancing cat burglars’ trademark “double windmill” move turned into a mutual blowing of raspberries on each other’s genitalia, they were promptly fired from the show. Left without any source of income, the frisky felines used the skills they acquired on set to become moderately successful cat burglars. However, their renewed success was short-lived, thanks to their poor choice of a getaway driver known to the public only as “Toonces.” The threesome was last seen flying to party with Thelma and Louise.
Jennyanydots was a grade-A bitch with an inflated ego. She had a harem of suitors bringing her the finest dead pigeons the city had to offer and a gang of loyal subjects who laughed at her every joke and never dared to correct her. One day, her frienemy Fetchin’ Weiners (she went by her full name, because Jenny told her to “stop trying to make ‘Fetch’ happen”) noticed Jenny’s dots looked a little peculiar and recommended Jenny check it out with Dr. Ratsgotra but she refused. How could somebody so beautiful be sick? As time passed, Jenny’s health declined but she chalked it up to impure catnip and the bird flu. Unable to take it any longer, Weiners took her to the hospital and Jenny was diagnosed with bacterial meowengitis. Sadly, it was too late for medicine, and Jenny passed away due to her own hubris.
Bombalurina did her best to claw (pun!) her way back to the top after the demise of Cats by sleeping with every eligible tom in Hollywood, but a brutal rejection by Bob Barker that led her to have her spaying reversed in revenge proved to be her downfall. Bombalurina now lives in an alley behind Sears with four of her seven litters, and rumor has it that even Richard Gere won’t return her calls.
Grizabella, the former glamour puss, led a full life before her final role in Cats. Her sad story began when she was a beautiful young kitten, eager for the spotlight, and left home to head to New York after getting a ride from a shady country boy. Alone and scared, Griz almost gets hit by a cab (the yellow ones don’t stop) and is taken in by Molly, an exotic dancer who performs for a real bunch of dogs. Out of funds, Grizabella tags along with Molly and shakes all 8 of her nipples for money using the stage name “Fursace.” But dancing gets old fast, and Griz is tired of playing second fiddle to Molly… so she pushes her down the stairs, and although Molly naturally lands on her feet, Fursace is fur-fired. In a last-ditch effort to resurrect her career, she auditioned for Cats and was thrilled to get the part, but the fame proved to be too much for Grizabella, and she lost her part–and her career–when she got addicted to catnip. She currently turns tricks for nip-money and lives in a box living vicariously through her memory.
Old Deuteronomy was actually already pretty old when the show started in 1982 so, you can probably guess what happened there. Yup, freak Razor scooter accident.
DahlELama and The_Obvious are clearly not cat people, but they do enjoy Cat Cookies from Trader Joe’s. However, they do not condone any violence against cats and hope they did not trigger any painful memories. They would also like to recommend that you use “safe search” when looking for pictures of cats. There are some things that can not be unseen.
I hope they explain where the people go for eight minutes while Gyllenhaal is in their bodies mucking around with doomed trains and such. If I had my choice it would be eight minutes in Antigua sipping on a fruity alcoholic beverage while eying a bacon cheeseburger. But that’s just me. I imagine the people in this movie are sent to some sort of government holding area. Not fun, and probably not nearly enough bacon. Pity, that.
This weekend’s movies have plans for your afterlife.
Source Code
I’m not sure if Jake Gyllenhaal takes off his clothes in this one, but the critics seem to like what they see.
When decorated soldier Captain Colter Stevens (Jake Gyllenhaal) wakes up in the body of an unknown man, he discovers he’s part of a mission to find the bomber of a Chicago commuter train. In an assignment unlike any he’s ever known, he learns he’s part of a government experiment called the “Source Code,” a program that enables him to cross over into another man’s identity in the last 8 minutes of his life.
What you can expect: Doctor Sam Beckett is forced into a time traveling accelerator prematurely and vanishes. He then finds himself in someone else’s body with partial amnesia. His only contact from home is Al, a holographic image only he can see and hear. Setting right things which once went wrong, Sam leaps from life to life, hoping each time that this is the final leap home. Scott Bakula then becomes Captain Jon Archer of the Star Trek: Enterprise. The end. No, not really. This will probably be a decent science-fiction offering. It may even be a compelling “edge of the seater” since they’re working with time and just minutes to make some paradoxical changes. And no kidding…Scott Bakula really is a part of this movie. He voices the part of Captain Colter’s father. Coincidence? I think not.
What could annoy: The fact that it’s a 21st century Quantum Leap? Perhaps, but not likely. Those who follow the meanderings of Jake Gylenhaal have no real idea of this show. They’ll tune in to watch him make googly eyes at Michelle Monaghan and try to save the world from terrorism or some other thinly-veiled government threatening baddies. Throw in a train and you’ve got the number one transportation-related horrorshow that’s cropped up in movies for the last year or so. Are trains really this sinister? I think we should go back to horse drawn carriages. No one ever got bombed in a carriage, well, unless you’re counting what happens if you’re downwind.
Hop
Get the Cadbury Crème Eggs ready. The reviews of Hop need the chocolate.
The battle for Easter is on! In HOP, Despicable Me’s Russell Brand voices E.B., the teenage son of the Easter Bunny. On the eve of taking over the family business, E.B. leaves for Hollywood in pursuit of his dream of becoming a drummer. Once there, he encounters Fred (James Marsden of the X-Men series, Enchanted), an unemployed slacker with his own lofty goals.
What you can expect: Complete amazement that it’s taken Hollywood this long to discover a kids movie about the Easter bunny. Normally you’d think perhaps they’d stay away since well, the whole Jesus thing, but apparently it’s okay because with Jesus you get bunnies and eggs! We have no indication that bunnies and eggs are tied to religion but we’ll maybe watch a whole movie devoted to the existence of a fanciful bunny and his divine offspring. That’s just a mind-blower, right? The Jesus bunny has a son. It’s a miracle. This also explains how the bunny mammal can lay eggs every year. Miracles, you see. After you absorb all of that, it’s a cute little movie, short on story and overwhelming charm, but long on colorful confections, James Marsden, and Russell Brand. I’m thinking you’re getting what you pay for.
What could annoy: Have you ever heard Russell Brand? Okay, then.
Insidious
Bedeviled kid manages to creep out the critics. Linda Blair felt a chill in the air.
Josh and Renai have a happy family with their three young children. When tragedy strikes their young son, Josh and Renai begin to experience things that science cannot explain.
What you can expect: Old school haunts and taunts. Gratuitous use of shocks and suspense instead of now run-of-the-mill gory torture porn. Shocking that this throw-back thrill ride came from the people who made the Saw movies. In addition, the folks behind the popular Paranormal Activity movies have lent this newest offering their “less is more” sentiments. Good pacing and thrilling sound effects round out the film. It’s said to be one of the better horror movies in the last few years. I’m a tough critic so it remains to be seen if it passes my test…which is making me scream at the film and tell the people up on the screen emphatically “Not to open that fucking door, you idiot!” or thereabouts.
What could annoy: Getting to the theater and everyone comes out saying, “Oh my God. I was so scared. I was crying. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” and you get in there and after the first few predictable scares of the “ Oh, no, not an open window and in jumps the cat” variety, you’re wondering if you paid your cell phone bill this month and that you really should have gotten Twizzlers because Snowcaps just really aren’t as fun.
Indie Picks of the Week
Trust
The reviews are still a bit middle of the road for this one, but steadily climbing.
When Annie, a 14-year old girl is seduced by a 41 year-old internet predator she knows only as “Charlie” it tears apart her family. While her father becomes obsessed with revenge fantasies, Annie enters therapy, where she refuses to admit she’s been victimized.
What you can expect: A newer take on a well-traveled road. The story is still relevant since our collective interconnectedness has increased with the advent of social networking sites, but the genre may be a bit overworked as of late. This is David Schwimmer’s of Friends fame sophomore directing effort. Clive Owen has been fairly quiet in the last couple of years, and it’s interesting seeing him play the family man as opposed to the sexy lead. This may mark the evolution of his career, or potentially the continued stalling if the movie doesn’t capture an audience in the same way some of his earlier indie efforts were able to achieve.
What could annoy: The well-treaded cyber stalker trope. We’ve seen this done before and done differently and probably better by other actors. Ellen Page in Hard Candy comes to mind. Every once in a while we get these teen girls as victims movies, and it’s possible we as the audience are less impressed with this story than Hollywood would like to admit. If you’re a fan of Law & Order: SVU this may not be altogether new territory.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZXV-GLoLJc
Super
A lot less super than what they were hoping for.
When sad-sack loser Frank (Rainn Wilson) sees his ex-addict wife (Liv Tyler) willingly snatched by a seductive drug dealer (Kevin Bacon), he finds himself bereft and wholly unable to cope. But soon he decides to fight back under the guise of a DIY superhero called Crimson Bolt. With a hand-made suit, a wrench, and a crazed sidekick named Boltie (Ellen Page), the Crimson Bolt beats his way through the mean streets of crime in hopes of saving his wife.
What you can expect: Rainn Wilson taking on the sad schlubby role! Well, we always knew he had it in him. And his character on The Office is practically some sort of idiot savant superhero as it is, so this is an easy transformation. It’s nice to see Liv Tyler in something again. She was sort of an indie darling, something about her just not lending itself to many mainstream movies, other than the occasional elf, or Ben Affleck love interest, and I’m happy to see her still in this genre. Ellen Page another indie maven makes an appearance here apparently picking up with Wilson where her Juno character left off. All in all it looks to be a dark comedy held together with a more than apt cast. And yes, the Bacon’s in it.
What could annoy: Rainn Wilson. He’s an odd ball and he’s quirky, yes. His delivery in the film seems to be a bit of a one note, and possibly a bit whiny, which can sometimes eek out a bit too much in his The Office performances as well. Staying close to this comfortable realm may not be the worst thing in the world, but it appears that he still has a ways to go to be on the same footing as Ed Helms, another Office alum who’s recently transitioned into movies, and has largely won appeal for his efforts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eL57ncw2jr8
Look at your steering wheel. Now look down. Look back up. Your steering wheel is now this thing.
I’m using an old-ass clichéd joke.
This is an Formula 1 steering wheel. It’s used to speak to the pits, adjust break bias, activate turbo boost (I am not kidding), move parts of the car around, even get you a drink. Like almost everything else on an F1 car, it is made of carbon fiber, and is ridiculously expensive. Why carbon fiber? Because it’s light, and absorbs impacts extremely well. The steering wheel has to be able to be removed in five seconds in case of a crash, since the seating area on this thing is so tight, you can’t get in and out with the steering wheel in place.
Here’s an Italian guy explaining how the steering wheel for last year’s Ferrari worked.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6HFvF-QfTo
Now: all that stuff he said about how KERS (Kinetic Energy Recovery System) isn’t in place anymore, and that makes the wheel easier to deal with? That’s no longer true. KERS is back in this year, in an effort to have more overtaking on the track. Just like in your wimpy Prius, it takes energy released under breaking, and charges a battery with it. That battery can then be accessed to provide 80 more horsepower. You can use it all at once, or gradually over a lap, but once the battery is drained, you have to wait until the next lap to use it again. It was tried in 2009 to extremely mixed results. Ferrari won the Belgian Grand Prix with it, but it also caused a fire in Red Bull’s factory, and shocked a mechanic for BMW Sauber. Bernie Ecclestone, the commercial rights holder for F1 believes that F1 isn’t more massively popular worldwide because there’s not enough passing. That’s a little like saying that soccer (or football, for those of you who actually watch it) isn’t more popular because the total score isn’t higher. As a result, KERS is back in, as is the button that enables it, and the display that shows how much charge you have left.
Also added this year is a moveable rear wing. The button for this opens a flap on the rear wing that stalls it out, reducing downforce, and increasing your straight line speed. This can only be used if you are within one second of the car in front of you, and if you deploy it, the car in front of you cannot. In the first race of the season, no one successfully employed this option to pass anyone, but a few people used it to spin out on turns. So, mission accomplished!
Last year, McLaren employed a genius system to gain more speed on straights. They installed an air intake port in the cockpit that the driver could block with their knee. When blocked, air traveled over the car normally. When opened, air bypassed the rear wing, reducing downforce. Like every genius interpretation of the rules of car construction, this was kept secret until the first race, and then every other manufacturer simultaneously complained it was a breach of the rules, and came up with their own. Ferrari’s required the driver to activate it with his hand, which became a safety issue. While barreling down the track at almost 200 miles per hour, the driver had to take one hand off the steering wheel. This year, drivers are making the same complaint about the steering wheel itself.
There’s so much going on with this year’s wheel, drivers feel they are close to becoming too difficult to operate. Nick Heidfeld feels that the wheels have reached a saturation point, and the fuck up levels are extremely high, while Fernando Alonso thinks that he needs to stop being a pussy.
The argument could be made that if everyone has the same access to KERS, then the average speed of all cars would increase, leveling the field and defeating the purpose. Also, the argument could be made that Sebastian Vettel smoked everyone in Australia without even having KERS installed on his car (this is actually true).
Here’s a link to a detailed explanation on what each button did on BMW’s 2009 wheel. There was no KERS button, because after they shocked a guy, BMW decided not to run it.
Also, here’s another video, this one in English and from Lotus, explaining how their wheel works.
Recently Google decided to give Kansas City, KS free internet access. This is great for Kansas City, KS, but confusing for journalists without maps. Many of you already know that Kansas City, KS is a small neighborhood-like attachment to Kansas City, MO. Obviously the names are confusing and it would cost Google far too much money to wire up all of the larger KC. What other confusing names are out there?
Higher Eduction
Miami University is not in Florida, it’s in Oxford, OH. Oxford, OH borrowing its name from Oxford England. The name of the school comes from the Miami Valley which is carved by the Great Miami River. The river taking its name from the native American Miami people.
Washington University is not in Washington state or Washington DC, it’s in St. Louis. Not that Google is helping in this situation.
Yes, the University of Washington is located in Seattle, though Washington State University is much closer to Idaho than Seattle.
Pennsylvania probably wins the prize here being home to California University of Pennsylvania and Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Both are name after the Pennsylvania towns in which they reside. I blame the people who named these towns.
Cities
Vancouver, British Columbia is not on Vancouver Island, Victoria and Nanaimo are though. It also shouldn’t be confused with Vancouver, WA which is on the other side of the Columbia River from Portland, OR. George Vancouver was a British Royal Navy captain who explored the Pacific Northwest and like explorers he has many things named after him.
So many towns in Oklahoma. The following are all located where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.
- Burbank
- Chattanooga
- Cleveland
- Fargo
- Miami
- Orlando
- Peoria
- Pittsburgh
- Santa Fe
- St. Louis
Food
Welsh rabbit has no rabbit in it and may not have originated in Wales. It’s a savory sauce made primarily of melted cheese and served over toast. The childhood me is perfectly happy with regular old cheese toast though. Bread, butter, two slices of American cheese, toaster oven, go.
The marketing of certain foods has also forced some odd name choices. The Chilean sea bass is most certainly not a bass, it’s a Patagonian toothfish. Not surprisingly it wasn’t selling well as toothfish so the name was changed and it was marketed as a sea bass. According to the Monterey Bay Aquarium Seafood Watch you should think twice about eating this fish though.
Similar to the toothfish, rapeseed oil just wasn’t selling for some reason. Again a name change was in order and we now know it as canola oil which gets its name from the abreviation for Canadian oil, low acid. Even the Canada part isn’t accurate these days since as of 2004, 91% of the canola oil in the US comes from North Dakota.
Mincemeat isn’t made of meat at all. It may have been a long time ago, but now it’s a combination of fruits, nuts and brandy often baked into pies. My grandfather loved the stuff and I haven’t found another person on the planet who likes it.
What common, places, items, musical acts or schools do you find infuriatingly misnamed?
This week is chock full of uncomfortable touching, killer doll denial, dudes who grow up, skulls and bones forever, a Goodfella’s sofa change, and dueling hair follicles.
It’s a strip mall Karate party.
Recalling the Past: You know how we were all like “oohhh, ahhhh” about that airport scene in Total Recall with all that cool X-Ray technology? Oh, ho! Now we’re all like “No skinless radioactivity, please, and TSA stop touching my nethers with your magic molest wands!” That’s right. Here in the future we‘d like you to avert your eyes while you feel us up and check for bombs in our footwear. Never thought that would happen. Nope, no sir. Total Recall was the pinnacle of technological advancement, yup virtual reality, robotic masks, and chicks with multiple mammaries. How exactly could they top this? Well, apparently Colin Farrell and Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston will attempt to figure out a way in a remake of Governor Conan’s 1990 hit, Total Reboot, or Total Revisit, or Total Revomit. Whatever.
Murdering Money Dolls: Reports came out this week that the “Money Greed Money” studio or MGM as it’s known to its friends, has denied rumors that it will be remaking the Child’s Play franchise starring homicidal pervy doll Chucky. Spectacular. Want to know why this doesn’t matter? Because they’re the studio responsible for rebooting Robocop, Poltergeist, and Mr. Mom, which effectively makes MGM the worst movie studio in the world. Seriously. If you’re emphatically denying rumors that the “crap at the bottom of the 1980’s movie barrel” i.e. Child’s Play, is beneath you, but you believe the world is clamoring for another Mr. Mom, than your priorities are so out of whack that most anything could seem like fodder for a film. Do you know what’s missing from the ever present cycle of remakes? Movies about monkeys. There are just not enough movie remakes that star monkeys. This is a fact. I think somebody better get on rebooting Every Which Way but Loose, or Monkey Shines. There’s a whole genre out there left undiscovered.
Bieber and Kutcher Get Big: I’d like to know when it was that Ashton Kutcher could just go into any movie studio and say, “I’m making movies, brodude!” and like a fecal miracle there would indeed appear a movie? Is this a new thing or unbeknownst to the rest of the world he’s always had this ability? If so, that’s just too much power for a Calvin Klein model to have. It’s a very scary thought. Just imagine Kutcher eating Lucky Charms and all of a sudden, “I’d like to be in a movie now, please” and there he is waving a leprechaun’s Shillelagh Stick. Supernatural. So obviously like some sort of movie-kryptonite vampire, Kutcher has sired the same result for girl-haired Justin Bieber. They’re teaming up for What Would Kenny Do a movie about a teen who meets a hologram that claims to be him as an adult. We assume Kutcher is the adult. Sounds awesome. Will Smith’s production company is developing the project. Sounds awesomer. Have we discussed the weirdness that is Will Smith’s family’s connection to Justin Bieber?
We’ve Had Enough of Your Booty: Can Jerry Bruckheimer’s pirate ship ever be stopped? Not while he and Johnny Depp are alive! Brucks and Depps are planning more Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Just more and more until that’s all that’s left in the world, Pirates of the Caribbean movies and olives. A fifth one of these things is being planned before the fourth installment has even opened in theaters! What the hell are these things even called now? Pirates of the Caribbean: Get Me My Reading Glasses or Pirates of the Caribbean: Is it Yesterday? There’s already a screenplay! The movies are now all about Captain Sparrow’s Slurred Speech! They’ve just decided that all those other flimsy characters, you know swashbuckling Legolas and damsel distressing Knightly are just filler. It’s really all about an alcoholic, plundering pirate and the people who keep plunking down their doubloons to see him get chased by things on land or sea. Fantastic. Arrrrrrr.
Meet The Fiddy: Somewhere I imagine Joe Pesci is quite amused. Veteran actor and beloved scary guy, Robert De Niro is teaming up again with Veteran Vitamin Water sponsor and beloved gun shot victim Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson for Freelancers, a movie about the son of a murdered cop who enrolls in the police force. The movie will be produced by Fiddy’s production company, Cheetah Vision, and hopes to costar Forrest Whitaker who must also have nothing else to do on a Saturday. The movie starring two Oscar winners and Kanye West’s nemesis will be directed by Jess Terrero, director of Soul Plane. I really have no further jokes about this.
Hair-Off the Movie: The wigs of both John Travolta and Nicholas Cage will enter into yet another epic battle for the ages. There will be kung fu and spirit gum, jujitsu and viciously crafted widows peaks. Or they could just mash their bald heads together and sing songs from Grease. Anyway, the two hair wizards may be reuniting for two indie thrillers. Oh, yes — Travolta/Cage thrillers. Cue various frowning pauses, and looks of confusion and defiance that say everything and nothing, but mostly that they hope there are tacos for lunch. The ominously named, Shrapnel is about a former Bosnian soldier who seeks vengeance against the American who badly wounded him, and Sea Trial is based on the novel by Frank De Felitta. Hair-Off will be developed by me, because their follicular choices always play the lead in their movies anyway and should be turned into a reality show.
Casting News:
- Amy Adams, the fairytale singing bruiser chick from Bahs-ton, will be lifted off her feet as Lois Lane in the Superman Reboot
- Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit’s fresh face with the tart tongue, will be Sleeping Beauty in a reimagining of the classic tale
- Bill Murray, Ghostbusters sequel denier and all around weird guy, will play FDR in a film adaptation of a British radio play
- Armie Hammer, Facebook impresario and kitchen refrigerator deodorizer, joins The Brother’s Grimm: Snow White
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt, hot off his gravity defying antics in Inception The Boring, will be Alberto Falcone, nee’ the Holiday Killer in The Dark Knight Rises
- C. Thomas Howell, The Hitcher’s Mister, will be The Lizard, the main villain in the Amazing Spider-Man
- Taylor Swift, Jake Gyllenhaal’s former bearded concubine, will voice one of voices in The Lorax — assuredly to our utter annoyance
- Jodie Foster, who hasn’t made Contact in a while, will do so as director in another Sci-Fi project
- Julianne Moore and Jeff Bridges of Madison County, will get all warlocky and witchy in The Seventh Son
- And Kiefer Sutherland still thinks we care about 24, so he’s adamant a movie version will happen by 2012, even if he has to get all Jack Bauer on somebody. BOO-YA!
So much to look forward to, right? Well, so much to mock as much as possible. Really, what were these people thinking? Kutcher is the adult here, so we’ll be okay, he’s magic.