Daily Archives: March 17, 2011

15 posts

Your Obsessive Web Browsing

Have you ever wondered how many times you’ve visited a website?  If you’re using Firefox and haven’t cleared your browsing history (they have a private mode for that you know) then your web browser will tell you.

  • Right click on the page background
  • Select “View Page Info”
  • Click on the Security tab at the top, it’s the one with the lock
  • Now read the line that says,  “Have I visited this web site prior to today?”

Shout out with your ridiculously high numbers for your favorite websites.  This number isn’t an exact science and only goes as far back as the last time you cleared history, but it’s fun to get an idea of how many times you’ve obsessively refreshed a particular site.

I Watched Battlefield Earth on Purpose

On the surface, Battlefield Earth seems like a simple enough story. In the year 3000 an advanced alien species called the Psychlos conquers Earth in nine minutes, force the remaining humans into manual labor in a dome outside Denver, humans lead an uprising based on their ability to learn how to fly F-18 fighter jets in a matter of minutes and they live happily ever after while John Travolta is locked in a cage.  Sounds promising, right?

For some reason, the movie has been on my hard drive for years. I somehow forced a friend to join me in this two hour spectacle. We both figured that there was no way the movie could live up to its terrible reputation. People were just bagging on it because of the Scientology connection and everyone else was doing it, we were sure of it. Mother of God we were wrong. This movie is absolutely, without any shred of doubt, the worst movie I have ever seen in my two decades of cinema-going existence. There isn’t a single redeeming quality to it. The acting is poor, the dialogue is so laughably bad there is no comparison except for the comments section of a newspaper website. Combine the previous two and it still wouldn’t match the complete train wreck that is the directing and costume designs.

“But Chad” you say, “I’m still not convinced. Lord Xenu would never allow such a travesty to happen. Surely your thetan levels are causing interference.” To that I say, shut the fuck up and behold these bullet points of truth:

  • You could take the entire filmography of John Woo and it still wouldn’t compare to the use of slow motion in this film. The running time is two hours, I’d venture at least 45 minutes of it is spent in slow-mo.  Slowmo porn.
  • The ENTIRE movie is filmed at an angle. It’s as if the director just finished a class at film school where they learned about angled camera shots and decided, “Hey you know what, that was pretty cool! I’m going to make a movie where it’s nothing but that!”
  • Doing Eiffel 65 Proud
    118 minutes of Dutch Angle hotness.

    Also, after his lesson on camera angles, he must have watched Heat because it feels like someone spread a bunch of blueberry jam on the screen. Every scene, no matter the location, has some kind of blue tint to it.

  • It’s hard to actually delve into the plot of the film without going on a massive tirade. But let’s just go into some of the more ridiculous details:
    • The John Travolta character, for reasons I don’t remember is forced to stay on Earth for a really long time and run the slave labor camp. He devises a plan to escape by training a human in all the practices of his alien culture and wisdom (which apparently consists of geometry). In a move no one could have predicted, the human uses his now superior intellect to lead a successful uprising.
  • The humans in the movie alternate from speaking perfect English, being able to comprehend the Declaration of Independence and apply it to their current situation, and learning how to fly F-18 fighter jets after a single flight simulation, to acting like cavemen capable of only guttural moans. The difference is never explained, but that’s just part of the movie’s charm.
  • On the other hand, the Psychlos’ language apparently consists of maniacal laughter and an accent that ranges from British to that character on The Simpsons who always says “Yessssssss!” And their beverage of choice is similar in look and color to radioactive ooze.

    Click the image for video goodness.

There’s not much else to say. This movie is awful in almost every regard. There is nothing about it that would compel me to watch it again. No amount of weed, cocaine, sexual favors or chocolate covered raisins could get me to waste another two hours on this dreck.

Glee — Is There Anything Better Than Two Attractive Dudes Kissing?

I want to start off by saying that I’m sorry about this post coming up late. And now that I’ve done that, I’ll admit that whatever yo, I had deadlines to deal with! I’m trying to get that damn degree.

Anyway, on to the show! I was pleasantly surprised! I thought the original song episode was going to be straight up balls but I guess I was wrong. It’s a good thing I didn’t place any bets on it or I’d be out of rent money. Oh who am I kidding, I’m broker than the Monopoly man on that sad card where his pockets are turned out. I don’t even have a soul to sell at this point. BUT I DIGRESS.

Season 2, Episode 16: Original Song

What I Learned

Dalton Academy loves singing entirely forgettable songs. Either that, or they make the songs forgettable. I think I’m gonna go with the former since their competition performance included a song that I’m too lazy to look up that has the lyric, I shit you not, “Too school for cool.” I nearly died of second-hand embarrassment. I NEARLY DIED.

Gladys is going to be PISSED.

Kurt is getting ever closer to maturing beyond babygay status! His Blaine and the Pips joke was on point and his mourning outfit for the Pavarotti bird was FIERCE. The only thing that would have made his outfit better would have

been a little bird skull charm rather than a human skull charm. But you know, he’s trying! He’s developing!

Kurt is the go-to for singing Beatles songs, apparently. Out of all of the singing he did in this episode, though, this was the only song that didn’t sound off because of his voice. What’s that called? Pitch? I don’t fucking know, I’m not musical, just judgey.

People still care about My Chemical Romance though I won’t pretend to understand why.

Blaine is like a handsome, friendly, goofy boarding school dictator. The Warblers do whatever he says and let him get all of the solos, probably because they are gay Hogwarts and he’s their alpha gay wizard dictator. I’m getting all of my teasing muddled, guys. Save me. All he needs is some epaulets on that uniform of his. Yessssss sir!

Puck can’t stop talking about his girl’s weight. Oh.

Quinn’s dating Finn because she wants to be prom queen. And then she gave the most depressing speech in the history of high school popularity, saying that she and Finn will stay there in Lame, Ohio and she’ll be a real estate agent and they’ll have kids or something. Oh hey Quinn, you forgot about the part where you don’t lose the baby weight and let your roots grow out and wear pastel-colored capris, and then Finn gets a beer gut and starts cheating on you with a woman missing a few teeth (don’t worry, they’re molars), and also one of your kids is transgendered and proud of it. Don’t worry, Quinn. You’ll be in a community of peers.

Quinn’s not very good at following through with her plans. What happened to playing Rachel’s best friend only to sabotage her?

New Directions always has the worst outfits, Jesus.

What I Haven’t Learned/Remaining Questions

Me, I’m always stuck on the funding. I don’t get it. Where did Will get that stack of brand new rhyming dictionaries, hmmmmmmmmmmm???? I want a very special episode that addresses where he gets all of this money. I see right through you, Will. It’s OK though, because I know where you can get help.

I haven’t learned why anyone would think “Aural Intensity” is a good glee club name. Every time I hear it, I giggle and make blow job jokes in my head. Now if THEY sang “Trouty Lips”…!

Who pulled out Paris Hilton’s Bedazzler and got busy with the god damn microphone? What’s next? Actually, that might be an improvement from their current competition outfits–prom on top, 14 year old Avril Lavigne fan on bottom.

Why hasn’t Sue been arrested yet? Assault!? I mean, she punched that drunk “I’m bored” lady for no reason! In front of hundreds of people! I really related to that I’m Bored lady and it makes me bitter at Her Tracksuitiness. I do the same deadpan “I’m bored” to my boyfriend when he talks about boring stuff like math, taxes, and his feelings (I’m bored just thinking about it!). Like, mid-sentence. See? That’s rude. BUT MY BOYFRIEND DOESN’T PUNCH ME. See the difference, Sue? Do you see?

What never happened?

Hey, remember when Glee was consistent? LOL SORRY I couldn’t help myself. Remember that time that Sue was principal and she was all butthurt about Kurt being bullied? Do you? Because apparently the writers don’t. Consistency is for losers.

Miscellany

Brittany saying that “My Headband” was her favorite song. Mad Brittany love here.

Santana’s “Trouty Lips” song. Always and forever. I want that song to play at my wedding, my funeral, when I have an abortion, when my cat has kittens, when I’m sexing (and sexting), etc. Actually, only if there’s an accompanying video. If not, then this is my second choice. Remember that, guys. I’m counting on you. Oh, and please tell my family that I’m an organ donor. You’ll be needing these ears of mine.

Kathy Griffin’s Christine O’Donnell thing was kind of funny I guess. Sorry, KG. We know you can do better.

Speaking of gay, boyfraaaaaaaaands! Kurt and Blaine! Blaine and Kurt! Klaine! Blurt! So yeah, they kissed, blah blah, though Blaine’s declaration of love was pretty fucking charming. Oh Blaine! My heart is aflutter.

 

And as always, if you want to feel better about your life vis-à-vis your lack of Glee devotion, check out the Klaine tag on Tumblr.

NYC St. Patrick’s Day Parade: The Gay Edition

Well, it is the holiday that (at least for me) always makes it a little embarrassing to be a Mick. It’s sort of like letting everyone in to the house to watch aunt Colleen get loaded on Christmas. Regrettable personal history aside, we do have a nice parade, and my boss decided to send us out to watch it today. However, no matter how festive the parade, there is the whole not letting gay people march thing, which is also embarrassing. So, since my gay friends and neighbors don’t get to be in the parade, I am giving you some pictures of hot guys in uniform. While I don’t think this makes up for the stubbornness and bigotry of some of the members of the Irish community, I hope it is some consolation.

 

These guys almost make it worth it to stand next to drunk teenagers from Staten Island for an hour.

American Idol: I Curse the Year You Were Born

The Dirty Dozen made us feel old by singing songs from the year they were born. No one on the show was born in the 70’s. Heck, only one person was born in the early 80’s. Before we get to the dirty, dirty and they are dirty because more than one of them was sick this week EWWW GERMS!, can we talk about The Old Lady judge? The one who wears all her old tchotchke jewelry from that trip to New Orleans she took 40 years ago along with her blouses from American Idol sponsor, Cache? She is not at all helpful. Everything is “beautiful” or “fantastic” and she loves all of it. Waaaaaaiiiiit aaaaaaa minuuuuuuuute. It’s Paula, isn’t it? How could this not have occurred to me by until this point? The wacky clothes, the over-accessorizing, the non-sensical comments, the fondness for pain killers. Now that I have context for The Old Lady, let’s move on.

Paula
Paula?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OH KATE HUDSON WAS THERE! Preggers and literally covering her face with the remnants of two mini-bags of chips with Cheetos-cheese-covered- fingers because Seacretin gave her no warning that he was about to put her on camera. Maybe she will kill him for doing that to her. I’m going to pray to the baby Jesus that this will happen. Okay, maybe not kill but just muss his hair which would like killing to Seacreature. Also in the audience was So You Think You Can Dance’s resident screamer, Mary Murphy, which makes me very happy. I can’t wait until SYTYCD starts! But for now, let’s review those Idol pipes, shall we?

Six of One:

David Archuletta Part Deux (seriously, his story is very similar to little David’s, read: overbearing dad) sang If You Don’t Know Me By Now like he’s had his heart broken a 1000 times over, right down to the voice crack at the end. It was good and his best performance of the season AND the best of the night until…

This season’s winner (did I say that out loud?), Pia took the stage and KILLED IT! I mean, really. She is so freaking hot and can so sing! I think J-Lo needs to be ready to pitch Venus razors exclusively because I’ve seen the future, and it looks like Pia – a raven-haired goddess in a white satin jumpsuit, hold the Spanx. It’s as if J-Lo has been cloned and made in the form of Pia but Pia can actually sing. Now, Pia, take this as a warning because you really can win this thing – STOP SINGING EPIC SONGS BY EPIC SINGERS. It will come back to get you at some point and your fall from the top will be tremendous. No more Whitney. No more Celine. No one in their category, mmmmkay?

The disembodied gingerbread head that is Casey went for it with Nirvana. That’s right, Nirvana. And not just any Nirvana – the anthem that is Smells Like Teen Spirit. He brought out his big bass, which I love him for, and he did his best Dave Mathews dance and angry Ewok face and for the most part he pulled it off. He starts to make sense a bit more when you see the clips of his old people parents who are smart hippie types.

Trisha Yearwood, Junior was drunk on her anti-flu meds and almost giggled herself right off her chair while she was being interviewed by Seacrest. Now, I know you aren’t supposed to talk about anyone’s mamma but the pink, plaid newsboy cap? No. Seriously. I think her parents were on Teen Mom:The Prequel. Do you think they realized she was singing a song by big ol’ cancer survivor, Melissa Etheridge? Trisha Junior is what you call a raw talent. There is a Kelly Clarkson quality to her. She can do country but she kinda rocked it out, too. Speaking of rocking it out…

Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt sang Bon Jovi’s I’ll Be There For You. I wonder if the producer thought he was actually Baby Gay Kurt because he told him not to kiss anyone. Apparently, Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt and some of the other boys have a little “house band” at the Idol mansion. What does that sound like? Do you think they sit around on an overturned drum, a steel three-legged stool and the stoop just bangin’ away and free-styling? Yeah, me either. He did alright but his schtick is getting old, really quickly.

Karen broke into her “ethnic what it is-ness” again – The Old Lady’s words, not mine. What The Old Lady was talking about was the Spanish language. Karen came out looking like a Mexican Barbarella; ironic since she sang Love Will Lead You Back, and sang a verse in Spanish like a good racehorse should. She’s probably safe because she sang in Spanish while wearing black thigh-high boots.

Half a Dozen of the Other:

African Earth Mother Naima tried again to bring in da noise, bring in da funk. Instead, she brought in some pitchy Tina Turner. There is so much talent there but she can’t seem to get it together for the show. The clips of her rehearsing look like she’s going to slay it but then – disappointment.

Okay, look. As in LOOK AT THIS F*CKING HIPSTER! He took on one of the greatest, most soulful songs ever, Elton John’s I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues and just…well…let’s just say that when I came to, my clothes were ripped, I had a terrible headache, my skin was greenish and my living room table was smashed to pieces. Apparently he was sick but that doesn’t excuse his awkward Rod Stewart impression. I just can’t with him.

Pocahontas. That is all.

Well aren’t these little Idol hopefuls cocky? Two Whitney Houston songs in one night? I’m about to drive to California, take Whitney sans Bobby back to Isreal to be cleansed and sobered up, and bring her to Idol so show these whippersnappers a thing or two about how to blow. That girl you hated in high school took on I’m Your Baby Tonight and now I feel like we should all register as sex offenders. But it’s not our fault! She looked 18! Anyway, it was so creepy; it was somewhere between Toddlers and Tiaras and Teen Mom.

Little Scotty is the only real American in this competition. You know why? Because he sings America’s music, country music, and only real Americans sing country music. I don’t have a clue what song he was singing, nor does it matter. All his earnestness is exhausting.

Listen, there is no reason to add a clap-track under each song, especially a Heart song. These things shouldn’t have to be said. Also things that don’t need to be said – don’t sing songs that MADE former Idols. Carrie Underwood sealed the deal when she sang Alone on her season. Our resident over-singer had the coveted last spot. The last spot is like your grandmother’s favorite Hummel, the one with the little girl and boy hugging on the bench that she found at a Hummel convention. Jacob picked up that Hummel, threw it to the ground and screamed at it for lying there all broken apart. He got the last spot on the show and he destroyed it. Grandmother will be sad.

Bottom Three: Naima, Thia Megia and Hailey.

Crass Gossip: It’s Getting Ugly

This has been an ugly, scary week in the real world. Let’s avoid thinking about it all for a few minutes by looking at ugly, scary people.

  • There is nothing uglier or scarier than Courtney Love’s greed, unless it is my face when I watch this clip or her face just regular.

  • Tiger Woods makes it all okay on Fallon’s show.

  • Why does this lead me to this? (Go Fug Yourself and YouTube)
  • Do you do covers?
Make it stop. Please, make it stop.
The breeding should stop, too.
What is the head-to-ass algorithm here?
If you were JT, would it take you two years to dump someone?

 

Scotireland – How to Avoid Celtic Confusion

Scotland and Ireland.  Two places you probably know nothing much about.  But in this week of St Paddy – try not to get them mixed up.  Especially if you want to befriend a native on March 17th.

Don’t look to Hollywood.  They are the source of Scotireland.   They cannot tell the difference particularly with accent.  It is just one of many things Hollywood gets things wrong all the time.  Hence Scotland’s Gerard Butler (apparently of Irish stock like many from Glasgow) apologised for doing a shitty ‘Irish’ accent in PS I Love You.  Quite rightly.  I don’t know if Liam Neeson did the same did the same for Rob Roy – but he should.  However, next to Jessica Lange in that movie  – he was Meryl Streep.  Piss-poor accents bring natives out in hives (e.g. Braveheart).

However – I think we in the Old World should be more generous.   Internal cultural nuances are tricky for everyone.   People in North America never get to hear actual authentic accents – apart from Craig Ferguson.  And many still think he is Irish.   Perhaps it is time to admit – to the untrained ear, Scots and Irish do sound a bit similar.

And here is why – both countries have considerable overlap.   It is easy to mix-up at times.  Some parts of Ireland are heavily influenced by Scotland and vice versa.   But if you wander in from outside – how are you to know? A bit of history might help illustrate why.

The Irish in Scotland

Scotland can be divided basically into various crude units.  Western Scotland and the Islands being one.   Another is other is Lowland Scotland.  Third is Eastern and the far North Scotland.  Each component is different in some way such as geography or political allegiances and historical language.  However, you can say that Lowlanders stem from the ancient Kingdoms of the Britons (various tribes who spoke a language similar to Welsh before and during the Roman Occupation – 39 to 410 AD) and that Eastern & North Scotland come from the 7 Kingdoms of the Picts.

To be honest – we don’t know that much about the Picts other than even the Romans considered them insular and warlike. The Pictish language and culture is mostly very mysterious – but was probably a native language of ancient Britain called Brythonic as seen in the place names.  Modern Welsh and Breton are Brythonic languages and are rather similar.   The Picts left behind some enigmatic stone carvings and one book full of Kingly names and not much else.    Some fanciful theories about their origins are unproven and IMO rubbish.   Anyone who has been to Aberdeen knows same folks are still there.

What we do know is that some 1500 years ago – Pictland and the Lowland Kingdoms regularly made war (and marriage!) with each other and their neighbours in the West.  The West and the Islands were colonised during this era by incomers from Ireland.  The Scoti and then the Gaels (rhymes with dales). The Gaels formed a kingdom called Dál Riata (Dol Re’ada).  This is where the Irish influence comes from in Western Scotland.  The language of the Gaels is still spoken today and is called Scots Gaelic (pronounced Gah-lack – Gay-lick is Ireland).    They are sort of Irish-Scots.  And their word for Scotland is Alba.

What many see as Scottish folk costume is actually called ‘Highland dress’  – meaning kilts, small harps (called clarsachs), names starting in Mc/Mac and bagpipes are more the legacy of the Gaels.   They have them in Ireland too – just in a different form.   People still play Shinty, which is similar to Irish Hurling.   Teuchter (chyuchter) is a popular word for basically a hillbilly but original meant Gaelic-speaker.    Although tartan (not called plaid BTW – a plaid rhymes with maid is the shoulder shawl in Highland dress) is a very old tradition found across the ancient Celtic world.  The ancient Gauls of France wore tartan in the Iron Age but were famous for wearing trousers.   In Scotland they are called breeks.

People in the Lowlands have never worn kilts or spoke Gaelic.   Their language Scots is a form of English with a very strong Anglo-Saxon and Scandinavian influence from over the North Sea.  Some dialect words are basically the same in Nordic languages and German today – like heme (home), coo (cow) and ken (to know – like ‘Kennen Sie?/Do you know?’ in Deutsch).   The Lowlanders were once part of the Anglo-Saxon kingdom of Northumbria – which stretched halfway to London and was before ‘England’ even existed.   .

Don’t expect to remember all this – it is a lot to digest.

The Scots in Ireland

King Billy from Kilcooley estate in Bangor, County Down.Fast forward to the 16th century AD.  With the arrival of Protestantism during the Reformation – many people from mainland Britain move over to Ireland to start plantations.  The King of Scotland James VI lead the way when he gave land confiscated from local chieftains to incomers.   Settlers from England are Anglican and bring with them the Episcopal faith – which eventually becomes the Church of Ireland.   The Scots settlers bring their more extreme Calvinist faith – called Presbyterianism and even changed the linguistic map.  These are the people called Scots-Irish and eventually go to America.  They are successful in the New World because of community fortitude and ability to survive in harsh plantation conditions learned in Ulster.   They have many descendants including 18 Presidents.

Calvinism and Roman Catholicism are very much at odds – culturally and theologically. So Catholicism is essentially banned in Britain and Ireland from the 16th to 19th century.   Heavy restrictions are imposed such as denial of land and voting rights.   BTW English Calvinists from elsewhere are called Puritans.   In the early 17th century, the people of England ( to some extent Scotland) decided to kill their king (Charles I) and impose an ultra-religious Puritan state called The Commonwealth.   Oliver Cromwell was the dictator and his treatment of the native Irish Catholics is utterly horrific.  People still shudder at his name today.

The King (Charles II) comes back eventually but when his Catholic brother James II inherits  – there is a ‘Glorious Rebellion’.  Supporters of the King are called Jacobites – including Catholic Ireland.  The Scots-Irish support his rival and brother-in-law – Prince William of Orange from the Netherlands.   They win at the Battle of the Boyne in 1690 and this is why Ulster Protestants – or Loyalists – use Orange as a motif for their various social religious societies.  In honour of King Billy – see picture.

Ireland is controlled by the minority in what is called ‘The Protestant Ascendancy’ till independence in the early 20th century.    Northern Ireland is still split on the religious grounds to this day – the basis for ‘The Troubles’ (which cannot be covered in this article).    Half the 6 counties are ‘Orange’ (and identify as ethnically British) and the other half are ‘Green’ (Republican – mostly Catholic but not always as some Church of Ireland individuals are very much neutral).     This is why Ireland is a bit Scottish.

So there you have it.  It’s all a bit mixed up and full of old wounds and hatreds.  No wonder you are confused.   I hope I have cleared things up a bit.

Questions?