Federal workers being unpaid, national parks closing, flu vaccines not being tracked: these are some of the many consequences of the federal government’s being shut down. Despite Newt Gingrich’s pledge, the National Zoo’s Panda Cam, which was deemed “non-esssential,” has gone dark. Continue reading
internetz
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Finally, another installment of YUWRPMA. Sorry for the long delay, kids. When we last left you, we had been fighting over a bridge. Nothing has been cleared up on that front except for more arguing. So, let’s get down to business shall we? Continue reading
Ten years ago, DC Comics published the seminal “Death of Superman” comic book series. In this storyline, Superman takes on a monster called Doomsday, who *spoiler alert* kills Superman. Doomsday was created in a lab on Krypton by a mad scientist named Bertron, who then subjected Doomsday to the harshest possible environments and situations. Consequently, Doomsday died. A lot. However, each time Doomsday died, he would be reconstituted by Bertron, and adapted to whatever killed him. He died thousands of times, and through this forced evolution eventually became virtually indestructible, at which point he turned on Bertron, killed him, and went on a galactic rampage.
New developments in file sharing software now threaten to release a digital Doomsday, and copyright and patent holders may sooner rather than later find themselves in the role of Superman. Continue reading
The days of anonymously spouting off vitriolic hate over the internet may be closer to an end than we all realize.
All right, crabby-pantses, it’s time for another vent session. After the wild success of our first pet peeves post, authored by the excellently-named Baconcat, who has successfully combined two of my very favorite things into one username, and bbqcornnuts’ post on parenting pet peeves I didn’t even know I had, I got to thinkin’. We covered the obvious sources of irritation: driving, social courtesies, roommates and spouses, grammar, and a curious number of annoyances related to the mouth.
What did we leave out? There was only one original comment that mentioned Facebook. I’m disappointed in you all. Surely we can do better than that.
Bypassing the easy targets, like Farmville invitations and TMI statuses (though please, don’t hold back if that is indeed what peeves you), I’d like to share a few of my pet peeves.
1. Overuse of ellipses. Punctuation an ellipses is not a substitute for:
- Periods
- Question marks
- Commas
- Semicolons
- Spaces
Learn it. Live it.
2. Cryptic, attention-whoring statuses. The only things worse than these are the people who respond to them.
3. Facebook status arguments. We’ve all gotten into at least one of these (let me pretend I’m not the only one, okay?). Now you’re arguing with someone you most likely barely know, but god damn it, someone is wrong on The Internet and you’re not going to bed until they see how right you are. Not only are you now wasting your time and blowing up your Friends’ newsfeeds, you’re embarrassing yourself and the person whose status you’ve hijacked.
4. Status updates from people I despise, but am socially obligated to stay Friends with. This may also apply to those I am Friends with to preserve my own sanity and avoid more DRAMA. I’ve amassed quite a collection of these since graduation, and oh, what a wealth of irritation I can mine from their status updates alone.
We’ve got our fashion design major, with regular uploads of “high-fashion” photos of her and her design major friends sporting ill-fitting clothes and awkward facial expressions. I was recently treated to a couple of her rather obnoxious updates. Yesterday morning, she posted this: “Tried on swim suits today…it is time to work out. Now.” Then, not more than 24 hours later, this: “No incorrectly scaled patterns, my waist is not 33 inches wide…try 9 inches less…” According to my calculations, that’s a 24-inch waist. Gooch says I’m allowed to sock her one if I ever see her again. You’re all witnesses.
This last one’s personal beef for me, but I have to get it out there. I have a Friend (formerly best) who unFriended me last summer, for reasons we don’t need to get into. She recently reFriended me with a long apology I accepted. I do not like her, nor do I like her ex-fiancé. When they weren’t fighting, they were sickeningly affectionate with seemingly no regard for who was in the room. I’m talking baby talk, PDA, the whole nine yards. That’s why her status today was particularly vexing: “IF THESE PEOPLE DON’T STOP BEING SO AFFECTIONATE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME I’M GOING TO VOMIT INTO MY COFFEE.” She’s taken to typing in all caps recently. I suppose she’s forgotten about the hours of vomit-inducing PDA my boyfriend and I were subjected to. I now have to refrain from replying sarcastically, unless I want to get into a Facebook status argument, and we all know how I feel about those. The irony is quite delicious, though.
5. Anyone who says, “And that’s why I don’t have Facebook.”
Image of attention whore via Natalie Dee.
Hello! You must be new here. I bet you’ve never tried online dating before. Of course you haven’t—who is really that desperate? Well, not you. Except now, maybe you’re feeling a little lonely and, after all, everyone uses online dating these days! No shame in it, my friend. So let’s get started.
Perhaps you should mention this right away. Nothing says, “I’m not desperate” like starting off your profile with something meant to emphasize how very Not Desperate you are. There are a few ways to accomplish this:
1) “I’m not really sure how to write one of these profile thingies, so here goes!”
2) “I am new to town and just looking to meet some new people to hang out with! It’s not like I’m here because I can’t get a date because I totally can! People definitely do not think I am weird and socially awkward in person. That is not why I am using an online dating site. What is wrong with you that you think this way? Do you want to meet for drinks later? You have a pretty smile. Just as friends? Oh, okay.”
Next, you are going to want to tell your prospective partners how totally laid-back and down-to-earth you are. No one wants someone who is high-strung! Have you ever heard the bachelor tell the camera how much he adores that girl because she is so high-maintenance and a total space cadet? Obviously not. So please, tell the audience that you are laid back. You enjoy “chilling.” Chillaxing, maybe even, if you are looking for a partner who is down with The Slang! Got the 411 all up in herr! This is perhaps a good place to insert an “LOL” or an emoticon, preferably 🙂 or 😉 but definitely not 😛 because we want to save that wily tongue for at least the fifth date. We are classy like that. I mean, if you were looking for casual sex, you’d use Craigslist, amirite?! No matter that you did try Craigslist and failed to get any responses that did not come from prostitutes or spambots, but it’s not like you’re going to put that in your dating profile. You should probably leave that out.
Next, you need to inform your prospective partner that you love to travel. This makes you sound exotic and exciting, even if you’ve only ever been to Davenport. They have a different kind of grocery store there that is not the Piggly Wiggly so that makes it something of a foreign land. This brings us to eating, which is also an approved topic. You will imply that you will eat pretty much anything, even though in reality you subsist on Diet Coke, fudgesicles and bourbon. You do not want to scare people away by telling them anything that might be remotely close to the truth, after all. This is also a good time to bring up your love of cooking. Well, of course you love cooking! You watch Paula Deen pretty much every day while partaking in a light snack of Apple Jacks interspersed with bong rips. Thus, you have a love of cooking. Note that you have not actually said, “I love to cook and am good at it.” You are therefore not lying. Legalese is your friend.
Now is also not a good time to mention that you live in your parents’ basement and spend your days playing World of Warcraft between shifts at Chick-Fil-A. You should make a vague mention of your job in sales, which you love because you just adore working with people. Again, you’re not exactly lying, and everyone loves a people-lover. There are no antisocial people on dating websites, that’s for sure. And if there are, you definitely want to weed them out.
You should probably take a minute now to go put some more Easy Mac in the microwave and take a little break. We’re getting down to the nitty-gritty and you’re going to need sustenance. Also, your little brother will be home soon and he will probably eat that last packet if you don’t get to it first, and Mom isn’t going grocery shopping for like another four days or something.
I almost forgot; please include that you love sarcasm. Everyone loves a sarcastic bitch/sonofabitch. A dry, mocking voice just has that je ne sais quoi that makes the panties drop. So make sure you throw that one in there. And you have a good sense of humor. Not like all of those other super unfunny people out in Online Dating Land. They are definitely not writing, “I have a sarcastic sense of humor” on their profiles. This is truly virgin ground. Oh, and about that virginity. You should probably write something like, “I’m looking for someone to just hang out with” rather than “please at least give me a hand job—after all, I plan to buy you at least two Miller Lites and that shit ain’t cheap!” Women and men like a little mystery. In this vein, send messages that are one-word only, such as, “Sup.” This is a subtle and effective way to demonstrate your interest, and, generally speaking, bitches be loving the “sup.” It conveys everything and yet, nothing at all. Mystery.
If you want good responses, you have to have a good profile! After all, people primarily read the text that accompanies profiles. They most definitely do not just flip through photos looking for the one girl with tons of eyeliner and pouty duck-lips and conspicuous tattoos and bangs that pretty much cover her face but maybe she kind of looks like Zooey Deschanel from that angle? No, people use online dating because they like to read the text. Which is why you’re here with me, marinating in my sage advice like a chicken cutlet in some ginger and soy sauce. You’ll thank me later.
Have you ever wondered how many times you’ve visited a website? If you’re using Firefox and haven’t cleared your browsing history (they have a private mode for that you know) then your web browser will tell you.
- Right click on the page background
- Select “View Page Info”
- Click on the Security tab at the top, it’s the one with the lock
- Now read the line that says, “Have I visited this web site prior to today?”
Shout out with your ridiculously high numbers for your favorite websites. This number isn’t an exact science and only goes as far back as the last time you cleared history, but it’s fun to get an idea of how many times you’ve obsessively refreshed a particular site.
