The Dirty Dozen made us feel old by singing songs from the year they were born. No one on the show was born in the 70’s. Heck, only one person was born in the early 80’s. Before we get to the dirty, dirty and they are dirty because more than one of them was sick this week EWWW GERMS!, can we talk about The Old Lady judge? The one who wears all her old tchotchke jewelry from that trip to New Orleans she took 40 years ago along with her blouses from American Idol sponsor, Cache? She is not at all helpful. Everything is “beautiful” or “fantastic” and she loves all of it. Waaaaaaiiiiit aaaaaaa minuuuuuuuute. It’s Paula, isn’t it? How could this not have occurred to me by until this point? The wacky clothes, the over-accessorizing, the non-sensical comments, the fondness for pain killers. Now that I have context for The Old Lady, let’s move on.
OH KATE HUDSON WAS THERE! Preggers and literally covering her face with the remnants of two mini-bags of chips with Cheetos-cheese-covered- fingers because Seacretin gave her no warning that he was about to put her on camera. Maybe she will kill him for doing that to her. I’m going to pray to the baby Jesus that this will happen. Okay, maybe not kill but just muss his hair which would like killing to Seacreature. Also in the audience was So You Think You Can Dance’s resident screamer, Mary Murphy, which makes me very happy. I can’t wait until SYTYCD starts! But for now, let’s review those Idol pipes, shall we?
Six of One:
David Archuletta Part Deux (seriously, his story is very similar to little David’s, read: overbearing dad) sang If You Don’t Know Me By Now like he’s had his heart broken a 1000 times over, right down to the voice crack at the end. It was good and his best performance of the season AND the best of the night until…
This season’s winner (did I say that out loud?), Pia took the stage and KILLED IT! I mean, really. She is so freaking hot and can so sing! I think J-Lo needs to be ready to pitch Venus razors exclusively because I’ve seen the future, and it looks like Pia – a raven-haired goddess in a white satin jumpsuit, hold the Spanx. It’s as if J-Lo has been cloned and made in the form of Pia but Pia can actually sing. Now, Pia, take this as a warning because you really can win this thing – STOP SINGING EPIC SONGS BY EPIC SINGERS. It will come back to get you at some point and your fall from the top will be tremendous. No more Whitney. No more Celine. No one in their category, mmmmkay?
The disembodied gingerbread head that is Casey went for it with Nirvana. That’s right, Nirvana. And not just any Nirvana – the anthem that is Smells Like Teen Spirit. He brought out his big bass, which I love him for, and he did his best Dave Mathews dance and angry Ewok face and for the most part he pulled it off. He starts to make sense a bit more when you see the clips of his old people parents who are smart hippie types.
Trisha Yearwood, Junior was drunk on her anti-flu meds and almost giggled herself right off her chair while she was being interviewed by Seacrest. Now, I know you aren’t supposed to talk about anyone’s mamma but the pink, plaid newsboy cap? No. Seriously. I think her parents were on Teen Mom:The Prequel. Do you think they realized she was singing a song by big ol’ cancer survivor, Melissa Etheridge? Trisha Junior is what you call a raw talent. There is a Kelly Clarkson quality to her. She can do country but she kinda rocked it out, too. Speaking of rocking it out…
Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt sang Bon Jovi’s I’ll Be There For You. I wonder if the producer thought he was actually Baby Gay Kurt because he told him not to kiss anyone. Apparently, Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt and some of the other boys have a little “house band” at the Idol mansion. What does that sound like? Do you think they sit around on an overturned drum, a steel three-legged stool and the stoop just bangin’ away and free-styling? Yeah, me either. He did alright but his schtick is getting old, really quickly.
Karen broke into her “ethnic what it is-ness” again – The Old Lady’s words, not mine. What The Old Lady was talking about was the Spanish language. Karen came out looking like a Mexican Barbarella; ironic since she sang Love Will Lead You Back, and sang a verse in Spanish like a good racehorse should. She’s probably safe because she sang in Spanish while wearing black thigh-high boots.
Half a Dozen of the Other:
African Earth Mother Naima tried again to bring in da noise, bring in da funk. Instead, she brought in some pitchy Tina Turner. There is so much talent there but she can’t seem to get it together for the show. The clips of her rehearsing look like she’s going to slay it but then – disappointment.
Okay, look. As in LOOK AT THIS F*CKING HIPSTER! He took on one of the greatest, most soulful songs ever, Elton John’s I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues and just…well…let’s just say that when I came to, my clothes were ripped, I had a terrible headache, my skin was greenish and my living room table was smashed to pieces. Apparently he was sick but that doesn’t excuse his awkward Rod Stewart impression. I just can’t with him.
Pocahontas. That is all.
Well aren’t these little Idol hopefuls cocky? Two Whitney Houston songs in one night? I’m about to drive to California, take Whitney sans Bobby back to Isreal to be cleansed and sobered up, and bring her to Idol so show these whippersnappers a thing or two about how to blow. That girl you hated in high school took on I’m Your Baby Tonight and now I feel like we should all register as sex offenders. But it’s not our fault! She looked 18! Anyway, it was so creepy; it was somewhere between Toddlers and Tiaras and Teen Mom.
Little Scotty is the only real American in this competition. You know why? Because he sings America’s music, country music, and only real Americans sing country music. I don’t have a clue what song he was singing, nor does it matter. All his earnestness is exhausting.
Listen, there is no reason to add a clap-track under each song, especially a Heart song. These things shouldn’t have to be said. Also things that don’t need to be said – don’t sing songs that MADE former Idols. Carrie Underwood sealed the deal when she sang Alone on her season. Our resident over-singer had the coveted last spot. The last spot is like your grandmother’s favorite Hummel, the one with the little girl and boy hugging on the bench that she found at a Hummel convention. Jacob picked up that Hummel, threw it to the ground and screamed at it for lying there all broken apart. He got the last spot on the show and he destroyed it. Grandmother will be sad.
Bottom Three: Naima, Thia Megia and Hailey.