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Glee — ZOMG New York!!!, or Times Square is The Worst

This episode was torture, pure torture. The very idea of rewatching this episode so that I can write this recap made my heart cry. In a fit of procrastination, I tried to think of things I would rather do than watch this episode again and I came up with the following: 1. I’d rather watch a sex tape starring my grandparents; 2. I’d rather eat horse testicle soup; 3. I’d rather drink the water in Mexico; 4. I’d rather get lost in Chicago’s South Side in the daytime wearing heels, without my CTA card and cell phone; and 5. I’d rather get crabs. Continue reading

Crass Gossip Roundup

Hello Crasstalkers. Here’s a roundup of the week’s biggest gossip stories so far. If I’ve missed anything, please share in the comments and I will update the post throughout the day.

  • Um, what? Benicio del Toro and Kimberly Stewart are expecting? How do these two even know each other? [People]
  • Catherine Zeta-Jones’ opens up about her struggles with bipolar II disorder. Best wishes to her and her family, who have gone through a lot in the past year. [People]
  • Bret Easton Ellis tweeted this the other night: “I like the idea of Glee but why is it that every time I watch an episode I feel like I’ve stepped into a puddle of HIV?” WTF dude? [E Online]
  • Lindsay Lohan’s next role: playing Victoria Gotti. I guess that’s what she can land with her family connections. [PageSix]
  • Blind Item: “Well, we finally have an explanation as to why she keeps popping up with seemingly random celebrities. She doesn’t just want to be a famous actress. She wants to be taken seriously as an actress. Yes, folks, she’s aiming for Oscar gold! To that end, she thinks that the more Academy Award winners she kisses (at least four), sleeps with, attends parties for/with, etc., the more seriously people will take her. Girl, Oscars aren’t won by osmosis. if you want to be taken more seriously, dye your hair brown, put the twins away, and try doing more than one film a year. Oh, and try to avoid getting knocked up by men to whom you’re not married.” [Blind Gossip]
  • Kobe Bryant will appeal his $100,000 fine for calling a ref a “fucking f*gg*t”. Stay classy, Kobe. [IDLYITW]
  • The saddest spinster that ever was, Jennifer Aniston, and bearded man Bradley Cooper are apparently “getting reacquainted.” Whatever that means. [OMG!]

Image from LinaRojas.

Canceled! Ten Television Shows that Needed Another Season

Inevitably in your television viewing life you’ll come across a show that’s so totally engrossing and so addictively good that you’d sell your left liver lobe to see the complete ending. But of course like the trolling execution horde that it is, network television can snatch the show right out of your grasp after weeks of sucking you in until you’re firmly committed. And then that’s it. It’s over. No explanation. No nothing. Your new favorite show is canceled. Crap.

Here are a few that had many of us screaming at the heavens, and wishing for just one more season.

Commander in Chief

What Made it Great: Geena Davis and Donald Sutherland. Watching these two play cat and mouse was exhilarating. Davis’ sharp edges and disarming charm together with Sutherland’s smooth but lethal cunning made a match in television series heaven. This was the sort of drama that worked hard to create some semblance of reality like its predecessor the West Wing. Of course when we looked at Mackenzie Allen, played by Davis, most of us saw Hilary Clinton, despite fervent denials by the show’s producers. And since this was the absolute first time a woman helmed the White House on a scripted series, the stakes seemed to run high. The stellar depiction did win Davis a Golden Globe for her portrayal of the no-nonsense leader. So then, what went wrong? It seemed like the show was riding high.

Why it Failed: American Idol. Yep, that little show starring Ryan Seacrest’s shoe lifts was the demise of this great show. Due to getting its ass kicked in the ratings, a lot of rejiggering happened behind the scenes. Creator Rod Lurie was fired and in came Steven Bochco who succeeded in making the show a sudsy soap opera in attempts to make the show less abrasive, smart, and interesting thereby dulling it down into chewable pieces young people could relate to. What to do with grandma? Move her into the White House! Hey, the Chief-of-Staff is kind of evil. What do we do? Make him a loveable taskmaster! The First Gentleman has no real purpose. How do we fix it? Let’s make him an advisor! Hey, we don’t have a smarmy guy. What makes sense? Mark Paul Gosselaar! See?

What took its place?
The Good Wife.


What Made it Great: Suspense, suspense, and ever growing tension. These are usually markers for the start of really great dramas, especially sci-fi dramas. The premise was intriguing — a hurricane, people lost for hours, and something, no one is sure what, has happened in the midst of that storm. The show led by hunky Eddie Cibrian certainly had great build-up, and the performances of the cast were very good. From the intersecting lives of the characters to the calamity of what nature wrought, it all made for the perfect environment for an Invasion of the Body Snatchers type show. The set up was there. You were never really sure who was other and who wasn’t.

Why it failed: Pacing, and timing. It was really no match for its lead-in show, Lost, if you can believe it. I would think the behemoth that became Lost just swallowed up all the mystery suspense in the room leaving little left over for Invasion. Watching this little show, extremely developed and detailed (perhaps overly so), was like watching a tortoise slowly stick its head out of its shell. And sadly by the time the show really started to get going, it was all over, and people were clicking away after Lost finished…probably because they were exhausted by the layers upon layers Lost heaped on your plate.

What took its place?
Lost…a no brainer. And now V, urgh, whatever.

The Class

What Made it Great: In those confusing years after Friends went off the air, we were all scrambling to find the next twenty-something friend sitcom. In walked The Class. It depicted the lives of several former third-grade classmates as they tried to navigate life, love, relationships, and each other. It was an honest little show helmed by up and coming talent, many of whom have gone on to other, better, shows. Jesse Tyler Ferguson, who played Richie, is now Mitchell on Modern Family; Jon Bernthal, cast as Duncan on the show, is deputy cop wolf-face on The Walking Dead; Lizzy Caplan, who played Kat, went on to play Casey on Party Down; and Jason Ritter, who played Ethan, was last seen doing double duty on NBC running around on The Event and Parenthood. The Class was awkward and fun, silly and lovable, and cut too short for many of us to fall totally in love with it. But it had potential.

Why it failed: Laugh track. Yes, yes, I know, CBS thoroughly enjoys a laugh track. It was also set right in-between How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men. So it was veritable sitcom-chum in the midst of those CBS whales. Your twenty-something thing is covered with HIMYM, and your uncomfortable realizations and comic situations all wrapped in the mind of a twelve year-old are more than covered with Two and a Half Charlie Sheen Speedballs. Disastrous.

What took its place?
NPH in his charmeuse suit pajamas. Not sure anything else tops that.

Once and Again

What Made it Great: Sela Ward and Billy Campbell. If you were a little too young to really get Thirty-Something, than this was a great new entry in that same vein. The show explored the intimate elements of divorce, the family dynamic, and what it meant to fall in love again. It wasn’t anything like the light-hearted Brady Bunch. No, this show had deep, poignant moments played expertly by Ward and Campbell. Even younger cast members Shane West and ingénue Evan Rachel Wood’s heartbroken, tender, misunderstood moments were compelling to watch. Definitely an introduction to what would come later from the young actress. The black and white vignette confessionals where the characters spoke about their feelings was a new twist and complimented the show’s finer moments.

Why it failed: Despite a Golden Globe and Emmy win for Ward the show still garnered low ratings. Like other beloved shows, news of its cancellation resulted in a battle cry from viewers. The actors and viewers all pleaded with the network for another season to allow the show to meet its mark. It didn’t happen.

What took its place?
The show that probably comes closest to the heart of Once and Again is another ABC family drama, Brothers & Sisters.

Wolf Lake

What Made it Great: The show was an updated take on a horror genre long left dormant. It was slick and stylized and there was a good mix of werewolf lore (Native American skinwalkers) and the assimilation of modern day shape-shifters into today’s society. At the heart of the show was a mystery. The viewer wasn’t sure who was a wolf and who wasn’t. It starred Lou Diamond Phillips as the dogged investigator and Tim Matheson as the sheriff with a family secret. The early 2000’s marked the continuing trend of movie stars transitioning into television actors. Given the cast, expectations were high that the show would be a success. Short of Oz from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, werewolves on television hadn’t been readily shown since 1987’s Werewolf series starring Eric Cord. This comeback so to speak was unexpected and interesting.

Why it Failed: Theorists say that the show was really before its time. Remember when vampires and werewolves weren’t synonymous with the quintessential teen movie? Well, that’s when Wolf Lake aired. It aired in a time that really didn’t have a place for a niche program that spoke to such a young demographic, one that clearly didn’t exist on CBS at the time. As the show began airing in September of 2001, some believe 9/11 also impacted ratings, understandably so.

What took its place?
The Vampire Diaries and the short lived ABC drama, The Gates.


What Made it Great: Joss Whedon does a space western. Well, that’s certainly an endorsement of greatness. A finely nuanced, smart, witty, dynamic, expertly done science fiction. It’s mentioned in the same breath as the big greats, Star Trek and Star Wars. The characters are all uniquely different, all quirky and lovable, even hard-assed Jayne. There was really nothing else like this show, not before or after. I’ve extolled Firefly‘s virtues ad nauseum. No need to continue more of it here. You guys get it.

Why it Failed: Because Fox is insane. Well, we know Fox is insane, but it was really bonkers for taking this show off the air. This isn’t just my opinion — this is collective fact. The show got poor ratings, but also Fox aired episodes out of order like maniacs…so, uh, yeah. Can’t really blame Whedon for that. Despite all the follies of the network, the show lives on for forever. The original series has aired on the Sy-Fy network and is now shown on the Science Channel. There was a theatrical release, which catapulted the series into further cult status. The actors would all love to come back and strap on their thigh-guns. This browncoat has firm belief it will happen.

What took its place?
Nothing. Nothing, at all.

Kindred: the Embraced

What Made it Great: It was a sprawling vampire drama based on the role-playing game called Vampire: The Masquerade. Some may have referred to it as the vampire version of The Godfather meets Melrose Place. Aside from that paltry description, it was more about the vampire bond, family, and the masquerade of blending successfully into human society. The show revolved around Julian Luna, the Prince of the City, and the various vampire families he controlled. Essentially if you broke vampire law by killing innocents or turning them against their will, you were marked for “final death.” Creepy. It was a cool look at the genre. Sure, Dark Shadows was the traditional gothic soap opera. Kindred: the Embraced had the potential to join its ranks with its swirling story, nefarious creatures, and addictive presence. With only eight aired episodes it was cut far too short.

Why it failed: The untimely death of Mark Frankel who played Julian Luna. The show was already slated for cancellation before Frankel’s death, however. The Showtime movie network was in talks to revive the short-lived series, but didn’t move forward after Frankel’s passing. He really was the best thing about the show. Not that there couldn’t have been someone else who could fill his shoes in the last fifteen years. I’m still waiting.

What took its place?
See everything hence that involves Vampires.

Misfits of Science

What Made it Great: It was pure fantasy superhero geeked out awesomeness. We’ve all wondered what you would do if you had superpowers, what kind of person you would be. Would you save the world, fight for justice and so on. Well, in 1985 with the rise of The Greatest American Hero and Manimal, crime fighting reluctant heroes were all the rage. This is where we were first introduced to Courtney Cox, well, as an actress. (The spastic movement muscle shirt and jeans thing she did with Bruce Springsteen is a story for another day.) Any kid that was captivated by science-fiction (Hello, me) watched this show mostly for the moments when they all had to use their powers to defeat a foe. It was really sort of like the first foray into live action X-Men.

Why it failed: Aside from general cheesiness…yes, I admit it. There weren’t enough Misfits. Not saying that a group with a laundry list of powers that you can’t keep straight was the solution. Nobody wants to see Shrimp Man or Dust Buster Molly, but you need more than just lightening bolts, telekinesis and a shrinking giant. Nonetheless, this was a different type of sci-fi show, which is why most of us loved it. It just wasn’t one man or woman who had abilities, it was several, and that left the door open for many possibilities. The show was also up against Dallas, and well, there was no stopping Dallas.

What took its place?
NBC tried again twenty-years later with Heroes to marginal success.


What Made it Great: Before Ryan Murphy saw the light of musical genius and created Glee, there was Popular. It was the precursor to Mean Girls, and it also had some elements of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, with its heart and quirk. The show did deal with some real issues like popularity, surviving high school and discovering who your real friends and enemies are, with a recurring theme that most kids share some if not all of the same basic fears deep down. It was a well done show. Funny, poignant, unexpected, and smart.

Why it failed: A cliff-hanger ending that never gets a conclusion…urgh, bad move, Network. This isn’t usually done today. It seems when a network knows a show is destined for the chopping block the writers are at least given the chance to wrap it up, thankfully. This show just ended after the second season with its main character in a hospital bed. Bad form. WB is basically the culprit. The show was moved to Fridays, therefore no one watched, and it was canceled, just like that. Murphy was promised another season and the network reneged, and then the Network became the CW, just like that.

What took its place?
What? Oh, of course. Glee.


What Made it Great: Joss Whedon. He’s spectacular at this genre. And I don’t give this praise lightly. Angel was a delightfully compelling spin-off from the Buffy flagship. We watched the tortured vampire with a soul investigate supernatural crimes and attempt to right his wrongs — one saved innocent at a time. Oh, it was glorious. Brooding David Boreanaz, beguiling Charisma Carpenter, and the never more brilliant Julie Benz, who played Angel’s sire, Darla. In my opinion it was Buffy, but kicked up a notch. The story, which kind of started as a supernatural procedural cop drama, turned into something more with heart and soul with the addition of a son and an increased number of romantic relationships on the show. The heroes were great heroes and similarly the villains were insanely evil and dastardly. A great mix.

Why it failed: Some wonky writing (Joss can get trapped a bit in his own head) caused the ratings to slip slightly, but the show was still a strong WB powerhouse. In a totally unexpected move, after a long drawn out fight that had everyone from the viewers to Joss Whedon and the actors themselves pleading to stay on air, the WB canceled Angel. Many suspect to make way for a new vampire series (rumored to be an updated Dark Shadows). Petitions ensued to bring it back, a whole online movement happened that had viewers blitzing the Warner Bro. offices with pleas for a sixth and final season or minimally a miniseries to wrap up the beloved series. It was a no go, and then the WB became the CW, just like that.

What took its place?
See everything hence that involves Vampires.

Do you agree? You’d be crazy not to. If not, tell us in the comments, and while you’re at it, share your all-time favorite shows that were canceled before their time.

Glee — Is There Anything Better Than Two Attractive Dudes Kissing?

I want to start off by saying that I’m sorry about this post coming up late. And now that I’ve done that, I’ll admit that whatever yo, I had deadlines to deal with! I’m trying to get that damn degree.

Anyway, on to the show! I was pleasantly surprised! I thought the original song episode was going to be straight up balls but I guess I was wrong. It’s a good thing I didn’t place any bets on it or I’d be out of rent money. Oh who am I kidding, I’m broker than the Monopoly man on that sad card where his pockets are turned out. I don’t even have a soul to sell at this point. BUT I DIGRESS.

Season 2, Episode 16: Original Song

What I Learned

Dalton Academy loves singing entirely forgettable songs. Either that, or they make the songs forgettable. I think I’m gonna go with the former since their competition performance included a song that I’m too lazy to look up that has the lyric, I shit you not, “Too school for cool.” I nearly died of second-hand embarrassment. I NEARLY DIED.

Gladys is going to be PISSED.

Kurt is getting ever closer to maturing beyond babygay status! His Blaine and the Pips joke was on point and his mourning outfit for the Pavarotti bird was FIERCE. The only thing that would have made his outfit better would have

been a little bird skull charm rather than a human skull charm. But you know, he’s trying! He’s developing!

Kurt is the go-to for singing Beatles songs, apparently. Out of all of the singing he did in this episode, though, this was the only song that didn’t sound off because of his voice. What’s that called? Pitch? I don’t fucking know, I’m not musical, just judgey.

People still care about My Chemical Romance though I won’t pretend to understand why.

Blaine is like a handsome, friendly, goofy boarding school dictator. The Warblers do whatever he says and let him get all of the solos, probably because they are gay Hogwarts and he’s their alpha gay wizard dictator. I’m getting all of my teasing muddled, guys. Save me. All he needs is some epaulets on that uniform of his. Yessssss sir!

Puck can’t stop talking about his girl’s weight. Oh.

Quinn’s dating Finn because she wants to be prom queen. And then she gave the most depressing speech in the history of high school popularity, saying that she and Finn will stay there in Lame, Ohio and she’ll be a real estate agent and they’ll have kids or something. Oh hey Quinn, you forgot about the part where you don’t lose the baby weight and let your roots grow out and wear pastel-colored capris, and then Finn gets a beer gut and starts cheating on you with a woman missing a few teeth (don’t worry, they’re molars), and also one of your kids is transgendered and proud of it. Don’t worry, Quinn. You’ll be in a community of peers.

Quinn’s not very good at following through with her plans. What happened to playing Rachel’s best friend only to sabotage her?

New Directions always has the worst outfits, Jesus.

What I Haven’t Learned/Remaining Questions

Me, I’m always stuck on the funding. I don’t get it. Where did Will get that stack of brand new rhyming dictionaries, hmmmmmmmmmmm???? I want a very special episode that addresses where he gets all of this money. I see right through you, Will. It’s OK though, because I know where you can get help.

I haven’t learned why anyone would think “Aural Intensity” is a good glee club name. Every time I hear it, I giggle and make blow job jokes in my head. Now if THEY sang “Trouty Lips”…!

Who pulled out Paris Hilton’s Bedazzler and got busy with the god damn microphone? What’s next? Actually, that might be an improvement from their current competition outfits–prom on top, 14 year old Avril Lavigne fan on bottom.

Why hasn’t Sue been arrested yet? Assault!? I mean, she punched that drunk “I’m bored” lady for no reason! In front of hundreds of people! I really related to that I’m Bored lady and it makes me bitter at Her Tracksuitiness. I do the same deadpan “I’m bored” to my boyfriend when he talks about boring stuff like math, taxes, and his feelings (I’m bored just thinking about it!). Like, mid-sentence. See? That’s rude. BUT MY BOYFRIEND DOESN’T PUNCH ME. See the difference, Sue? Do you see?

What never happened?

Hey, remember when Glee was consistent? LOL SORRY I couldn’t help myself. Remember that time that Sue was principal and she was all butthurt about Kurt being bullied? Do you? Because apparently the writers don’t. Consistency is for losers.


Brittany saying that “My Headband” was her favorite song. Mad Brittany love here.

Santana’s “Trouty Lips” song. Always and forever. I want that song to play at my wedding, my funeral, when I have an abortion, when my cat has kittens, when I’m sexing (and sexting), etc. Actually, only if there’s an accompanying video. If not, then this is my second choice. Remember that, guys. I’m counting on you. Oh, and please tell my family that I’m an organ donor. You’ll be needing these ears of mine.

Kathy Griffin’s Christine O’Donnell thing was kind of funny I guess. Sorry, KG. We know you can do better.

Speaking of gay, boyfraaaaaaaaands! Kurt and Blaine! Blaine and Kurt! Klaine! Blurt! So yeah, they kissed, blah blah, though Blaine’s declaration of love was pretty fucking charming. Oh Blaine! My heart is aflutter.


And as always, if you want to feel better about your life vis-à-vis your lack of Glee devotion, check out the Klaine tag on Tumblr.

Glee — “Sexy” is Subjective


The thing about Glee and high school-centered shows in general is that almost every episode teaches some heavy-handed message to the characters, and if we’re lucky (read: not lucky), it teaches us viewers a lesson. Some messages that Glee has forcefully taught us in the past include: You really shouldn’t drink so much (especially not in school!), The Rocky Horror Picture Show is fantastic (duh!), prissy girls can never be fashion icons, your hot girlfriend is cheating on you with a sexy mohawked dude, and when you begin to doubt your style, dress like Lady Gaga (sound advice, in my opinion).

So when you judge a high school comedy-drama (I will not use the word “dramedy” guys and I will verbally shank any commenters that do), it’s only fair to judge it on a scale that consists only of series/movies that center on high school. On my scale, Glee is middling to high-middling and without the music, this show would suuuuuuuuuck. You could imagine my horror when I saw that next week’s episode is going to include (only? only some?) original music. Who are the producers kidding? I only watch this nonsense to see these beautiful fools warble songs that I like and make tolerable the songs that I hate. Without any preformed opinions on a song, I’m just going to assume that it blows and I’ll sit there rolling my eyes and sucking my teeth until my face hurts.

But I digress. In the spirit of high school special messages and lessons, I’m going to recap Glee by talking about what I have or have not learned. Whether or not that correlates to what I’m supposed to have learned is something that we’ll ascertain together (or not at all. Who cares!). I hope you’ll join me on this cunty motherfuckin’ ride because watching Glee alone and not making fun of it is just about the saddest thing I can think of.


Season 2, Episode 15: Sexy

(Ed. Note: UGH. THAT TITLE.)
What I Learned
  • Emma is the prudest prude that ever pruded. God damn! I’ll give her some credit though. Because of her, I learned that you can say “hose monster” on television. I also learned that the writers are fools if they think that anyone can be with John Stamos for four months without doing dirty things all over his body. I don’t buy it. They’re laying this EmPrissy thing on a little thick, especially considering her saucy little “Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me” number with Will in “The Rocky Horror Glee Show.”

    Not just for teenagers anymore!
  • Sue Sylvester likes her sugar with coffee and cream.
  • Santana and Brittany like to cuddle to the TV version of Sweet Valley High. Who knew that high school girls also fantasize about twins? The More You Know!
  • Will’s an asshole. Well, OK, we already knew that, but he totally proved it AGAIN. When Gwyneth (I DON’T KNOW HER CHARACTER’S NAME AND I DON’T CARE) was doing a surprisingly good rendition of Joan Jett’s “Do You Wanna Touch Me,” Will looked on in alarm and held up a little sign that said something like “Hey, being inappropriately sexy with the students is my thing, bitch.”

  • I learned that I don’t care about Puck and that other girl. BORED.
  • Finn & Quinn: EQUALLY BORED. I mean, they’re good looking and all but their names rhyme, for the love of god.
  • Jazzercise is still a thing that people do.
  • Gwyneth thinks that if you’re celibate, you’re lame, naive, and possibly frigid. I’m starting to like this chick.
What I Haven’t Learned/Remaining Questions
  • Why the hell did they start a chastity club? And why did this club—which is pretty typical of Christian groups (whether Evangelical or LDS)—only have two members: The Second Coming of Barbra Streisand and The Girl Who Gave Birth at 16? Was this an excuse to make a chastity-charms-as-nipple-rings joke? If so, worth it. More likely than that, though, is that the sudden inclusion of the chastity club is meant to serve as a catalyst for John Stamos to leave Emma Pillsbury so that the sexual (hah! as if!) tension between her and Will can annoy us to death anew.
  • Why have the writers made Gwyneth Paltrow so likeable and funny? I mean, “My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster,” an Ani DiFranco joke, and asking Emma about her feelings for Will in front of sexy John Stamos. We’re trying to dislike Her GOOPiness over here, jerks. For the record, I’m just going to pretend that Gwyneth is not playing a character at all and she secretly works as a substitute teacher in Ohio to quiet some deep ache in her soul that isn’t being quelled by actressin’.

    Yikes. Don't quit your day jobs.
  • Will & Gwyneth sing Prince’s “Kiss” while dancing the tango and all I could think is “This is fucking blasphemy.” It was like watching retired couples on a cruise learning to tango, rejoicing in what they think is super sexy but is actually kind of horrifying. I mean, it’s sexy for them, I’m sure. But very few intentionally sexy moments on TV actually come off as sexy for the viewer. And the tango? REALLY? ANYWAY, they kiss “passionately” after their dance in front of the musicians. God, they act like those musicians aren’t even there. Who are those damn musicians, anyway? Are they teachers? Students? Homeless people? Ex-convicts in a work program? Illegal immigrants with hands too soft and beautiful for manual labor? If you don’t have money to get to competitions, fire those dudes and buy a fucking boombox already.
  • I need more information on Mike Chang’s abs. Get to work, Glee writers, it’s important.
  • LOL @ “Afternoon Delight.” Just everything about it. Apparently, Emma et. al didn’t watch Arrested Development (figures, thanks a lot).
  • While performing with The Warblers (LOL THAT NAME), Kurt was making these diva-scream faces and gesticulating like a bootleg Christina Aguilera. Gay Guy That Isn’t Kurt was making horrified faces mid-performance like “Y U SO gay Kurt?” Naturally, all of the girls that they perform for swoon over Not Kurt and Kurt is all hurt feelings all the time. (P.S. Added thing I learned: People have created the portmanteau “Klaine” and fangirl[/fangayboy] about it constantly. At least they were wise enough not to go with “Blurt,” though “Blurt” accurately conveys Kurt’s total sexlessness at this point.) Blaine goes to Burt’s dad to ask him to give Kurt his damn birds and bees talk already, resulting in a super awkward dad-son talk. Kurt’s dad says, “Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter”  and as a semi-reformed ho, I resent that.
  • What we all want to talk about is Brittany and Santana, right?
    Santana + Brittany 4eva

    I don’t blame you. I was honestly surprised that they addressed their relationship; I was convinced that it was going to be just some little Sapphic gag that the writers would continue to play up without ever dealing with it in a serious way. However, their relationship took a really charming and sweet turn last night. They consulted with Gwyneth about their sexual and romantic confusion and as a result, Santana dedicated a song to Brittany in the chorus room. And you know what? It was so fucking adorable, I was thisclose to feeling real feelings, guys. While Gwyneth sang “Landslide” with the two girls flanking her on their stools, Santana gazed at Brittany with meaning and you know what? It was romantic. Certainly more romantic than any other crap this show has ever attempted to package as romance. Later in the episode, Santana walked up to Brittany in the hallway wearing a laughably fierce hooker outfit—skin-tight pink zebra print mini-dress and a black leather jacket—only to give an earnest profession of love (and make an Indigo Girls crack—do high schoolers know who the Indigo Girls are? ‘Cuz I barely do and I’m 26). When Brittany turns her down as nicely as she can because she loves Artie, Santana ripped into my soul with her teenage words of wisdom: “Whoever thought that being fluid meant you could be so stuck.” Damn, girl. Damn.