Bad Movies

5 posts

Coming Attractions: G.I. Joe: Retaliation or the Downsizing of Channing Tatum

Oh, holy mercy. Just what is a summer blockbuster? Is it something where random people, who should really be working at a water park in Cleveland, have found their way into a movie about make believe ninjas and pseudo-military soldier replicants, marching their way across a movie screen, and mouth-crapping their way through lines that may be scrawled across the palm of their hands in two word syllables? Yes, this is exactly what a summer blockbuster is if you ask G.I. Joe: Retaliation. Continue reading →

In a World Where Humans Are Remote Controlled

You know what? There’s no point in hiding the spoilers under a cut, because this movie deserves to be spoiled. Anyway, in case you haven’t seen this, click at ya own risk.

Yes, friends and neighbors, I saw Gamer, the Gerard Butler vehicle from 2009 that was all science fictiony and go-fast-and-blow-up-goodness in the trailer, and then a whole lot of “I wonder how many of these actors needed to make a mortgage payment?” in the actual viewing of the movie.

The premise is simple. In the near future, a crazy technology genius played by Dexter from HBO land invents some kind of nano technology that is injected into people, and it clones their brain cells and replaces them, with the twist that the new brain cells can send and receive information over an IP network. Continue reading →

I Watched Battlefield Earth on Purpose

On the surface, Battlefield Earth seems like a simple enough story. In the year 3000 an advanced alien species called the Psychlos conquers Earth in nine minutes, force the remaining humans into manual labor in a dome outside Denver, humans lead an uprising based on their ability to learn how to fly F-18 fighter jets in a matter of minutes and they live happily ever after while John Travolta is locked in a cage.  Sounds promising, right?

For some reason, the movie has been on my hard drive for years. I somehow forced a friend to join me in this two hour spectacle. We both figured that there was no way the movie could live up to its terrible reputation. People were just bagging on it because of the Scientology connection and everyone else was doing it, we were sure of it. Mother of God we were wrong. This movie is absolutely, without any shred of doubt, the worst movie I have ever seen in my two decades of cinema-going existence. There isn’t a single redeeming quality to it. The acting is poor, the dialogue is so laughably bad there is no comparison except for the comments section of a newspaper website. Combine the previous two and it still wouldn’t match the complete train wreck that is the directing and costume designs.

“But Chad” you say, “I’m still not convinced. Lord Xenu would never allow such a travesty to happen. Surely your thetan levels are causing interference.” To that I say, shut the fuck up and behold these bullet points of truth:

  • You could take the entire filmography of John Woo and it still wouldn’t compare to the use of slow motion in this film. The running time is two hours, I’d venture at least 45 minutes of it is spent in slow-mo.  Slowmo porn.
  • The ENTIRE movie is filmed at an angle. It’s as if the director just finished a class at film school where they learned about angled camera shots and decided, “Hey you know what, that was pretty cool! I’m going to make a movie where it’s nothing but that!”
  • Doing Eiffel 65 Proud
    118 minutes of Dutch Angle hotness.

    Also, after his lesson on camera angles, he must have watched Heat because it feels like someone spread a bunch of blueberry jam on the screen. Every scene, no matter the location, has some kind of blue tint to it.

  • It’s hard to actually delve into the plot of the film without going on a massive tirade. But let’s just go into some of the more ridiculous details:
    • The John Travolta character, for reasons I don’t remember is forced to stay on Earth for a really long time and run the slave labor camp. He devises a plan to escape by training a human in all the practices of his alien culture and wisdom (which apparently consists of geometry). In a move no one could have predicted, the human uses his now superior intellect to lead a successful uprising.
  • The humans in the movie alternate from speaking perfect English, being able to comprehend the Declaration of Independence and apply it to their current situation, and learning how to fly F-18 fighter jets after a single flight simulation, to acting like cavemen capable of only guttural moans. The difference is never explained, but that’s just part of the movie’s charm.
  • On the other hand, the Psychlos’ language apparently consists of maniacal laughter and an accent that ranges from British to that character on The Simpsons who always says “Yessssssss!” And their beverage of choice is similar in look and color to radioactive ooze.

    Click the image for video goodness.

There’s not much else to say. This movie is awful in almost every regard. There is nothing about it that would compel me to watch it again. No amount of weed, cocaine, sexual favors or chocolate covered raisins could get me to waste another two hours on this dreck.

Hollywood Heartbreak: More Things That Make You Say Urgh

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I love the Rotten Tomatoes site. For me, it’s the best little place to find movie critiques all wrapped up in either a big green splotch, or, and this is truly rare, a large healthy tomato, which indicates “Certified Fresh,” as reported by top reviewers in the business. Simple, but hugely effective.

When tooling around the site in preparation for the newest movies to check out, I’ve noticed more and more green monster splotches. Just hordes and hordes of ’em. A veritable army of bad, crappy, shit-laden shit-cinema. Holy Christmas Crackerjacks! Are there any good movies ever? Yes, yes, I know all the February Oscar stuffers are still playing, so if I haven’t caught The Black Swan (have, it sucked, mostly), True Grit (awesome!), The Kings Speech (Helena Bonham Carter gives me the face palsy), and The Fighter (will see it eventually, despite my disdain for Christian Bale and his gargled goat-bleats when he’s The Dark Knight), then, yes, I really should go see them all and forget anything else in the theater exists. But, well, it isn’t that easy. I love movies.

And, really, how can Hollywood so often get it wrong? Us viewers…we’re not a complicated lot. Just give us good original stories with compelling characters, add a few well-thought out surprises and mostly we’re chomping on that popcorn faster than a ferret through a sock tube. But instead we get the equivalent of dancing dollar bills dressed up like Martin Lawrence in a fat suit.

Where does all this start?

In a new weekly column, I plan to let you in on all the Hollywood stinky little secrets they’re planning for your viewing pleasure. So, if you ever wanted to know who’s greenlighting all this resplendent garbage, well, now you’ll know. Perhaps you’ll learn what to avoid completely, what to watch and mock mercilessly, or what to mock and avoid at your discretion.

Here are some things currently in development:


1) Red Sonja – Hey, Rose McGowan really needs the work! Well, since Robert Rodriguez, McGowan’s director boyfriend, lost this project to Simon West, they’re going a different way. Amber Heard (I have no idea who she is) has been tapped for the lead role. Let’s be honest. While it’s a cult classic and always good for a few laughs, Red Sonja was never a great movie. Brigitte Nielsen was like a mannequin with biceps.

That said, I don’t have much hope that this will be a better version, especially given the casting of Amber Heard, nobody person. It’s like making an already B-movie even B-ierer, if there is such a thing. The saving grace (Not really!) is that they plan to release this thing in between the upcoming Conan movies. (another pitiless reboot.) Strangely I don’t think that will help. We’ll just wonder why it was made at all.

2) Fletch – Once thought to be a Kevin Smith vehicle, but since the Clerks director has decided to retire (and go on the college tour circuit permanently?), there’s been no word on who would reprise the title role, write the damn thing, or helm it as director, for that matter. Nonetheless, Warner Bros. plans to move ahead with reincarnating the 1980’s movie about a smarmy reporter/man of disguise. Who are you thinking for the lead role? My vote is for Joel McHale or Paul Rudd, but since this is an awful idea, prepare for Shia LaBeouf or John Krasinski.


3) Highlander –  Um, okay. Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery made this famous, I suppose. Well, I think the SPIKE channel likes to air it, so I guess that means something.  There were numerous sequels, and if I’m not mistaken some sort of early 1990’s syndicated show, so it’s not as if the franchise is already suffering from overexposure or anything like that. Of course not. Apparently there is still a need to see immortal warrior dudes fighting it out in kilts and things. I assume they didn’t get the message that the only immortals us viewers like nowadays are vampires.

Neal Moritz, the producer of XXX and the Fast and Furious Franchises is involved, so that’s, uh, something. Basically what I take away from this is that the famous tagline “there can be only one,” isn’t exactly true, now is it?

4) Lethal Weapon – I think we’re all too old for this shit. Warner Bros. strikes again. Nevermind the fact that this movie is so closely related to Rage-a-maniac, Shout Monster Mel Gibson, they’re going full steam ahead with rebooting…well, actually they planned on a Lethal Weapon 5, starring Mel and Danny, but here’s what I think…the rest of the suits in that meeting just fell over dead when they heard that pitch. Just heart stopped, fucking toes up in the air dead. So, they’ve decided to find newer and younger guys to do this crazed man and sidekick retread. This is an awful, dreadful, idea…but hear me out, don’t you just see the guys from Psych doing this? James Roday and Dulé Hill would be awesome, no? No. Okay.


5) Dynasty – Break out the shoulder pads and the rat tail comb because ladies and gents Blake Carrington would like to take you on a bed of rubies. Not totally. The original creators, Richard and Esther Shapiro, are planning a prequel set in the 1960’s. So think Mad Men with more haughty stares and people calling each other “Bitch” with drinks in their hands. Thankfully there isn’t a studio ready to take this one on. But they have hope, boy, do they have hope. You can all thank the A-Team for this. Once you show that making one 1980’s laughable, egomaniacal farce in the wake of several others that have similarly crashed and burned to the ground…the point isn’t to learn from that mistake. No, the plan is to continue. Continue on like nothing happened, and let the critics pick at the dead carcass later, because you’ve made your money. Now you can go buy a boat.

That’s it for now. Your hurl sacks are situated in the tray holder directly in front of you.