This episode was torture, pure torture. The very idea of rewatching this episode so that I can write this recap made my heart cry. In a fit of procrastination, I tried to think of things I would rather do than watch this episode again and I came up with the following: 1. I’d rather watch a sex tape starring my grandparents; 2. I’d rather eat horse testicle soup; 3. I’d rather drink the water in Mexico; 4. I’d rather get lost in Chicago’s South Side in the daytime wearing heels, without my CTA card and cell phone; and 5. I’d rather get crabs. Continue reading
glee recaps
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I want to start off by saying that I’m sorry about this post coming up late. And now that I’ve done that, I’ll admit that whatever yo, I had deadlines to deal with! I’m trying to get that damn degree.
Anyway, on to the show! I was pleasantly surprised! I thought the original song episode was going to be straight up balls but I guess I was wrong. It’s a good thing I didn’t place any bets on it or I’d be out of rent money. Oh who am I kidding, I’m broker than the Monopoly man on that sad card where his pockets are turned out. I don’t even have a soul to sell at this point. BUT I DIGRESS.
Season 2, Episode 16: Original Song
What I Learned
Dalton Academy loves singing entirely forgettable songs. Either that, or they make the songs forgettable. I think I’m gonna go with the former since their competition performance included a song that I’m too lazy to look up that has the lyric, I shit you not, “Too school for cool.” I nearly died of second-hand embarrassment. I NEARLY DIED.
Kurt is getting ever closer to maturing beyond babygay status! His Blaine and the Pips joke was on point and his mourning outfit for the Pavarotti bird was FIERCE. The only thing that would have made his outfit better would have
been a little bird skull charm rather than a human skull charm. But you know, he’s trying! He’s developing!
Kurt is the go-to for singing Beatles songs, apparently. Out of all of the singing he did in this episode, though, this was the only song that didn’t sound off because of his voice. What’s that called? Pitch? I don’t fucking know, I’m not musical, just judgey.
People still care about My Chemical Romance though I won’t pretend to understand why.
Blaine is like a handsome, friendly, goofy boarding school dictator. The Warblers do whatever he says and let him get all of the solos, probably because they are gay Hogwarts and he’s their alpha gay wizard dictator. I’m getting all of my teasing muddled, guys. Save me. All he needs is some epaulets on that uniform of his. Yessssss sir!
Puck can’t stop talking about his girl’s weight. Oh.
Quinn’s dating Finn because she wants to be prom queen. And then she gave the most depressing speech in the history of high school popularity, saying that she and Finn will stay there in Lame, Ohio and she’ll be a real estate agent and they’ll have kids or something. Oh hey Quinn, you forgot about the part where you don’t lose the baby weight and let your roots grow out and wear pastel-colored capris, and then Finn gets a beer gut and starts cheating on you with a woman missing a few teeth (don’t worry, they’re molars), and also one of your kids is transgendered and proud of it. Don’t worry, Quinn. You’ll be in a community of peers.
Quinn’s not very good at following through with her plans. What happened to playing Rachel’s best friend only to sabotage her?
New Directions always has the worst outfits, Jesus.
What I Haven’t Learned/Remaining Questions
Me, I’m always stuck on the funding. I don’t get it. Where did Will get that stack of brand new rhyming dictionaries, hmmmmmmmmmmm???? I want a very special episode that addresses where he gets all of this money. I see right through you, Will. It’s OK though, because I know where you can get help.
I haven’t learned why anyone would think “Aural Intensity” is a good glee club name. Every time I hear it, I giggle and make blow job jokes in my head. Now if THEY sang “Trouty Lips”…!
Who pulled out Paris Hilton’s Bedazzler and got busy with the god damn microphone? What’s next? Actually, that might be an improvement from their current competition outfits–prom on top, 14 year old Avril Lavigne fan on bottom.
Why hasn’t Sue been arrested yet? Assault!? I mean, she punched that drunk “I’m bored” lady for no reason! In front of hundreds of people! I really related to that I’m Bored lady and it makes me bitter at Her Tracksuitiness. I do the same deadpan “I’m bored” to my boyfriend when he talks about boring stuff like math, taxes, and his feelings (I’m bored just thinking about it!). Like, mid-sentence. See? That’s rude. BUT MY BOYFRIEND DOESN’T PUNCH ME. See the difference, Sue? Do you see?
Hey, remember when Glee was consistent? LOL SORRY I couldn’t help myself. Remember that time that Sue was principal and she was all butthurt about Kurt being bullied? Do you? Because apparently the writers don’t. Consistency is for losers.
Miscellany
Brittany saying that “My Headband” was her favorite song. Mad Brittany love here.
Santana’s “Trouty Lips” song. Always and forever. I want that song to play at my wedding, my funeral, when I have an abortion, when my cat has kittens, when I’m sexing (and sexting), etc. Actually, only if there’s an accompanying video. If not, then this is my second choice. Remember that, guys. I’m counting on you. Oh, and please tell my family that I’m an organ donor. You’ll be needing these ears of mine.
Kathy Griffin’s Christine O’Donnell thing was kind of funny I guess. Sorry, KG. We know you can do better.
Speaking of gay, boyfraaaaaaaaands! Kurt and Blaine! Blaine and Kurt! Klaine! Blurt! So yeah, they kissed, blah blah, though Blaine’s declaration of love was pretty fucking charming. Oh Blaine! My heart is aflutter.
And as always, if you want to feel better about your life vis-à-vis your lack of Glee devotion, check out the Klaine tag on Tumblr.
Prologue
The thing about Glee and high school-centered shows in general is that almost every episode teaches some heavy-handed message to the characters, and if we’re lucky (read: not lucky), it teaches us viewers a lesson. Some messages that Glee has forcefully taught us in the past include: You really shouldn’t drink so much (especially not in school!), The Rocky Horror Picture Show is fantastic (duh!), prissy girls can never be fashion icons, your hot girlfriend is cheating on you with a sexy mohawked dude, and when you begin to doubt your style, dress like Lady Gaga (sound advice, in my opinion).
So when you judge a high school comedy-drama (I will not use the word “dramedy” guys and I will verbally shank any commenters that do), it’s only fair to judge it on a scale that consists only of series/movies that center on high school. On my scale, Glee is middling to high-middling and without the music, this show would suuuuuuuuuck. You could imagine my horror when I saw that next week’s episode is going to include (only? only some?) original music. Who are the producers kidding? I only watch this nonsense to see these beautiful fools warble songs that I like and make tolerable the songs that I hate. Without any preformed opinions on a song, I’m just going to assume that it blows and I’ll sit there rolling my eyes and sucking my teeth until my face hurts.
But I digress. In the spirit of high school special messages and lessons, I’m going to recap Glee by talking about what I have or have not learned. Whether or not that correlates to what I’m supposed to have learned is something that we’ll ascertain together (or not at all. Who cares!). I hope you’ll join me on this cunty motherfuckin’ ride because watching Glee alone and not making fun of it is just about the saddest thing I can think of.
Season 2, Episode 15: Sexy
(Ed. Note: UGH. THAT TITLE.)
What I Learned
- Emma is the prudest prude that ever pruded. God damn! I’ll give her some credit though. Because of her, I learned that you can say “hose monster” on television. I also learned that the writers are fools if they think that anyone can be with John Stamos for four months without doing dirty things all over his body. I don’t buy it. They’re laying this EmPrissy thing on a little thick, especially considering her saucy little “Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me” number with Will in “The Rocky Horror Glee Show.”
Not just for teenagers anymore! - Sue Sylvester likes her sugar with coffee and cream.
- Santana and Brittany like to cuddle to the TV version of Sweet Valley High. Who knew that high school girls also fantasize about twins? The More You Know!
- Will’s an asshole. Well, OK, we already knew that, but he totally proved it AGAIN. When Gwyneth (I DON’T KNOW HER CHARACTER’S NAME AND I DON’T CARE) was doing a surprisingly good rendition of Joan Jett’s “Do You Wanna Touch Me,” Will looked on in alarm and held up a little sign that said something like “Hey, being inappropriately sexy with the students is my thing, bitch.”
- I learned that I don’t care about Puck and that other girl. BORED.
- Finn & Quinn: EQUALLY BORED. I mean, they’re good looking and all but their names rhyme, for the love of god.
- Jazzercise is still a thing that people do.
- Gwyneth thinks that if you’re celibate, you’re lame, naive, and possibly frigid. I’m starting to like this chick.
What I Haven’t Learned/Remaining Questions
- Why the hell did they start a chastity club? And why did this club—which is pretty typical of Christian groups (whether Evangelical or LDS)—only have two members: The Second Coming of Barbra Streisand and The Girl Who Gave Birth at 16? Was this an excuse to make a chastity-charms-as-nipple-rings joke? If so, worth it. More likely than that, though, is that the sudden inclusion of the chastity club is meant to serve as a catalyst for John Stamos to leave Emma Pillsbury so that the sexual (hah! as if!) tension between her and Will can annoy us to death anew.
- Why have the writers made Gwyneth Paltrow so likeable and funny? I mean, “My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster,” an Ani DiFranco joke, and asking Emma about her feelings for Will in front of sexy John Stamos. We’re trying to dislike Her GOOPiness over here, jerks. For the record, I’m just going to pretend that Gwyneth is not playing a character at all and she secretly works as a substitute teacher in Ohio to quiet some deep ache in her soul that isn’t being quelled by actressin’.
Yikes. Don't quit your day jobs. - Will & Gwyneth sing Prince’s “Kiss” while dancing the tango and all I could think is “This is fucking blasphemy.” It was like watching retired couples on a cruise learning to tango, rejoicing in what they think is super sexy but is actually kind of horrifying. I mean, it’s sexy for them, I’m sure. But very few intentionally sexy moments on TV actually come off as sexy for the viewer. And the tango? REALLY? ANYWAY, they kiss “passionately” after their dance in front of the musicians. God, they act like those musicians aren’t even there. Who are those damn musicians, anyway? Are they teachers? Students? Homeless people? Ex-convicts in a work program? Illegal immigrants with hands too soft and beautiful for manual labor? If you don’t have money to get to competitions, fire those dudes and buy a fucking boombox already.
- I need more information on Mike Chang’s abs. Get to work, Glee writers, it’s important.
Miscellany
- LOL @ “Afternoon Delight.” Just everything about it. Apparently, Emma et. al didn’t watch Arrested Development (figures, thanks a lot).
- While performing with The Warblers (LOL THAT NAME), Kurt was making these diva-scream faces and gesticulating like a bootleg Christina Aguilera. Gay Guy That Isn’t Kurt was making horrified faces mid-performance like “Y U SO gay Kurt?” Naturally, all of the girls that they perform for swoon over Not Kurt and Kurt is all hurt feelings all the time. (P.S. Added thing I learned: People have created the portmanteau “Klaine” and fangirl[/fangayboy] about it constantly. At least they were wise enough not to go with “Blurt,” though “Blurt” accurately conveys Kurt’s total sexlessness at this point.) Blaine goes to Burt’s dad to ask him to give Kurt his damn birds and bees talk already, resulting in a super awkward dad-son talk. Kurt’s dad says, “Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter” and as a semi-reformed ho, I resent that.
- What we all want to talk about is Brittany and Santana, right?
Santana + Brittany 4eva I don’t blame you. I was honestly surprised that they addressed their relationship; I was convinced that it was going to be just some little Sapphic gag that the writers would continue to play up without ever dealing with it in a serious way. However, their relationship took a really charming and sweet turn last night. They consulted with Gwyneth about their sexual and romantic confusion and as a result, Santana dedicated a song to Brittany in the chorus room. And you know what? It was so fucking adorable, I was thisclose to feeling real feelings, guys. While Gwyneth sang “Landslide” with the two girls flanking her on their stools, Santana gazed at Brittany with meaning and you know what? It was romantic. Certainly more romantic than any other crap this show has ever attempted to package as romance. Later in the episode, Santana walked up to Brittany in the hallway wearing a laughably fierce hooker outfit—skin-tight pink zebra print mini-dress and a black leather jacket—only to give an earnest profession of love (and make an Indigo Girls crack—do high schoolers know who the Indigo Girls are? ‘Cuz I barely do and I’m 26). When Brittany turns her down as nicely as she can because she loves Artie, Santana ripped into my soul with her teenage words of wisdom: “Whoever thought that being fluid meant you could be so stuck.” Damn, girl. Damn.
