Maine has spoken! Across the lobster-ravaged wastes of frozen Maine, residents donned their colorful voting costumes and emerged from their moose-fur yurts to vote in the Republican caucus. Unlikeable Massachusetts protocol droid Willard “10K” Romney eked out a narrow win over accursed 3000-year-old gold-wraith Ron Paul for the fickle loyalty of the crustacean-worshipping Maineacs. Hobo-busker “Shoeless Dick” Santorum, fresh off his triple victories in Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado, came in third. Grumpy and irrelevant space-beast Newton Leroy Gingrich came in fourth. Continue reading
politics
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This campaign season is ridiculous. If it was a movie you would be annoyed at how many times Gingrich and Santorum keep showing up even after their story-lines are exhausted, and how crappy Romney’s dialogue is. No actor could utter “Corporations are people, my friend” and not sound like an idiot. Well, Bruce Campbell maybe. And look at Ron Paul. Why is he even still here? On the other hand, there are some entertaining moments. If you pretend its 1980, and you are watching a science fiction movie about 2012, it’s kind of cool. Everybody has phones without wires! Candidates argue about moon colonies! Lando Calrissian is president! Let’s look at some ridiculous pictures! Continue reading
Colorado has spoken! Oh, and so has Minnesota. Missouri also had a thing, but it’s meaningless yet important. A threefer! So, the Republican race so far — sweater-fetishist Dick Santorum won the near-worthless support of the foul pig-men of Iowa, Massachusetts fancy-lad man-bot Willard “10k” Romney won over the skeptical maple-miners of New Hampshire, loathsome space-beast Newton Leroy Gingrich bamboozled the bog-people and shrimp-herders of South Carolina, and the Massachusetts man-bot broke the tie by winning over the addled elders, ex-pat New Yorkers, and suspicious mer-people of Florida. Continue reading
Well, uh, that’s probably not the best idea. Yeah, sure, Clint may be 81 years old, but something tells us he’s probably still able to deliver on the second part of that “Make My Day” comment. What do you think? Continue reading
Let’s just stop pretending that every time Mitt Romney opens his mouth and makes a smug comment extolling his exceeding wealth, thereby negating any moral virtue, that he’s making some sort of gaffe or has succumbed to poor word choice. No. This man is a rich bastard who thinks like one and there’s nothing he can do to hide it. Continue reading
The Susan G. Komen foundation has ended its partnership with Planned Parenthood after being subject to intense pressure from right-wing, anti-choice activist groups. Previously, SGK provided grants to Planned Parenthood, so that low-income women could have free breast cancer screenings at Planned Parenthood facilities. Continue reading
The candidates met in Jacksonville, Florida’s most charmless city, to once again argue about who is least unlikeable. Gingrich is hoping to build on the momentum from South Carolina, where he was less despised than Romney. Romney wants to score some sort death-blow on the loathsome space-beast who stands between him and the nomination that is RIGHTFULLY HIS. Poor morose sweater-fetishist Dick Santorum want to recapture the glory days of Iowa, when HE was popular. Santorum is tired of being the Jan to Romney’s Marcia, and now, to make matters worse, Newt Gingrich is suddenly…Greg, or Davy Jones, or something. It’s not fair. He doesn’t want to blow this thing, and have his damned kids start blubbering, and have his wife give him THAT LOOK. He can’t stand it. Screw you, Romney! SCREW YOU! And the neither-living-nor-dead specter that stoner-hobos and Burning Man-enthusiasts call Ron Paul? He is here because he must be. He is not motivated by the gross lusts of Gingrich or the passionate anger of Santorum, for passion is a trait of the young, and Ron Paul is old, so very old. The gold, the lost gold of Osiris drives him, and his soul aches with an emptiness you cannot imagine. Continue reading
Ron Paul supporters believe a lot of whacky things–like, for example, that he is a Texan, when all sensible people know that he is a 3000-year-old Bronze Age shaman doomed to walk the earth until the gold of Osiris is returned.
This past week, I’ve noticed two particularly crack-potty theories being promulgated by Paul supporters, which I will deconstruct for you. The first is that Gingrich and Santorum are mathematically incapable of being nominated, because they aren’t on the ballot in enough states; the second is that Ron Paul’s fiendishly clever plan to lose every primary will get him enough delegates to get nominated. Continue reading
The unending horror that is Campaign 2012 lurches now into Florida, with loathsome space-criminal Newton Leroy Gingrich more-or-less the front runner again after savagely defragging hapless software glitch Willard “10k” Romney in South Carolina. Sweater-fetishist and reproductive-sex enthusiast Dick Santorum is hoping to catch up with the disgraced former House Speaker here in the wretched peninsula where all those Spanish conquistadores got malaria. Romney is just hoping not to get embarrassed again. Ron Paul left hope behind in the sands of his homeland, millennia ago, and he comes here because he cannot stop, until the temple gold is recovered, and his curse is lifted, and dread Horus calls him home. Monday night, the candidates met in Tampa, near the spot where Hernando de Soto introduced the Calusa people to smallpox, for yet another one of their endless debates. Won’t these people ever shut up? The short answer, of course, is no. Continue reading
Mighty South Carolina has spoken! The filth encrusted pig men of Iowa chose Romney Santorum! The flinty maple miners of New Hampshire chose Romney! Now, the salt-encrusted shimp-herds of South Carolina get to close the deal and pick the real nominee, Willard “Inevitable” Romney! Oh, hell, they picked loathsome space-creature Newton Leroy Gingrich. This screws up everything. South Carolina basically fell on the floor and started jabbering like Rick Moranis in “Ghostbusters.”
The GOP campaign traditionally starts with Iowa’s Over-Pig rising from a hog-farm shit-lagoon and anointing a candidate with his corn-scepter. This year, the squealing pig men dumped the traditional waste-encrusted Gatorade cooler full of victory ethanol over the head of Willard “10k” Romney, who won by only eight pig-votes. Continue reading