Well, uh, that’s probably not the best idea. Yeah, sure, Clint may be 81 years old, but something tells us he’s probably still able to deliver on the second part of that “Make My Day” comment. What do you think? Continue reading
politics
375 posts
Let’s just stop pretending that every time Mitt Romney opens his mouth and makes a smug comment extolling his exceeding wealth, thereby negating any moral virtue, that he’s making some sort of gaffe or has succumbed to poor word choice. No. This man is a rich bastard who thinks like one and there’s nothing he can do to hide it. Continue reading
The Susan G. Komen foundation has ended its partnership with Planned Parenthood after being subject to intense pressure from right-wing, anti-choice activist groups. Previously, SGK provided grants to Planned Parenthood, so that low-income women could have free breast cancer screenings at Planned Parenthood facilities. Continue reading
The candidates met in Jacksonville, Florida’s most charmless city, to once again argue about who is least unlikeable. Gingrich is hoping to build on the momentum from South Carolina, where he was less despised than Romney. Romney wants to score some sort death-blow on the loathsome space-beast who stands between him and the nomination that is RIGHTFULLY HIS. Poor morose sweater-fetishist Dick Santorum want to recapture the glory days of Iowa, when HE was popular. Santorum is tired of being the Jan to Romney’s Marcia, and now, to make matters worse, Newt Gingrich is suddenly…Greg, or Davy Jones, or something. It’s not fair. He doesn’t want to blow this thing, and have his damned kids start blubbering, and have his wife give him THAT LOOK. He can’t stand it. Screw you, Romney! SCREW YOU! And the neither-living-nor-dead specter that stoner-hobos and Burning Man-enthusiasts call Ron Paul? He is here because he must be. He is not motivated by the gross lusts of Gingrich or the passionate anger of Santorum, for passion is a trait of the young, and Ron Paul is old, so very old. The gold, the lost gold of Osiris drives him, and his soul aches with an emptiness you cannot imagine. Continue reading
Ron Paul supporters believe a lot of whacky things–like, for example, that he is a Texan, when all sensible people know that he is a 3000-year-old Bronze Age shaman doomed to walk the earth until the gold of Osiris is returned.
This past week, I’ve noticed two particularly crack-potty theories being promulgated by Paul supporters, which I will deconstruct for you. The first is that Gingrich and Santorum are mathematically incapable of being nominated, because they aren’t on the ballot in enough states; the second is that Ron Paul’s fiendishly clever plan to lose every primary will get him enough delegates to get nominated. Continue reading
The unending horror that is Campaign 2012 lurches now into Florida, with loathsome space-criminal Newton Leroy Gingrich more-or-less the front runner again after savagely defragging hapless software glitch Willard “10k” Romney in South Carolina. Sweater-fetishist and reproductive-sex enthusiast Dick Santorum is hoping to catch up with the disgraced former House Speaker here in the wretched peninsula where all those Spanish conquistadores got malaria. Romney is just hoping not to get embarrassed again. Ron Paul left hope behind in the sands of his homeland, millennia ago, and he comes here because he cannot stop, until the temple gold is recovered, and his curse is lifted, and dread Horus calls him home. Monday night, the candidates met in Tampa, near the spot where Hernando de Soto introduced the Calusa people to smallpox, for yet another one of their endless debates. Won’t these people ever shut up? The short answer, of course, is no. Continue reading
Mighty South Carolina has spoken! The filth encrusted pig men of Iowa chose Romney Santorum! The flinty maple miners of New Hampshire chose Romney! Now, the salt-encrusted shimp-herds of South Carolina get to close the deal and pick the real nominee, Willard “Inevitable” Romney! Oh, hell, they picked loathsome space-creature Newton Leroy Gingrich. This screws up everything. South Carolina basically fell on the floor and started jabbering like Rick Moranis in “Ghostbusters.”
The GOP campaign traditionally starts with Iowa’s Over-Pig rising from a hog-farm shit-lagoon and anointing a candidate with his corn-scepter. This year, the squealing pig men dumped the traditional waste-encrusted Gatorade cooler full of victory ethanol over the head of Willard “10k” Romney, who won by only eight pig-votes. Continue reading
ABC News is reportedly planning to air a interview with Marianne Gingrich, Newt Gingrich’s second wife (for all you keeping count of our good Catholic man’s spouses) tonight. There have been no clips released, and ABC is not discussing what the second Mrs. Gingrich may or may not have said in her two-hour sit down with correspondent Brian Ross. Here’s a little roundup of previous statements from the Washington Post. Could be something, could be nothing. Continue reading
The nation weeps today, partially because it’s only Thursday and not Friday, but mostly because Texas Governor Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump is dropping his laff-riot of a GOP presidential bid. This leaves us with only Massachusetts protocol droid Willard “10k” Romney, accursed undying gold-obsessed man-skeleton Ron Paul, horrifying space-beast Newton Leroy Gingrich, and He Who Must Not Be Searched for in Google. The hapless incompetent is expected to endorse disgraced former House Speaker Gingrich.
The governor–often referred to in the media by his pro wrestling moniker “Rick Perry,” entered the race over the summer as the party was undergoing one of it’s periodic fits of nausea and buyer’s remorse over the campaign of frontrunning software packet Willard Romney. Governor Gump, with his glistening hair and magnificent posture, initially polled well against Romney, who was slowed down by his glitch-prone FrontRunner 1.5 software. Continue reading
On Tuesday the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals reversed an injunction that stopped Texas’ restrictive sonogram law. Under the reaffirmed law, abortion providers are required to show or describe an ultrasound image of a woman’s pregnancy. The only exceptions to the law are if the fetus was conceived by rape or incest or if the fetus has an abnormality. Women can decline to view the sonogram, but she must listen to the doctor’s description. Continue reading