Three debates in fifteen days. That’s faster than the World Series gets played some seasons. And, if you got that joke, then it’s likely that you’re a Florida Republican primary voter. Continue reading
Liveblog
31 posts
Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends. We’re so glad you can attend. Come inside! Come inside!
It’s Thursday, and you know what that means? It’s the fourth day of the week, per Wikipedia! Oh, right, and a little program called Project Runway is back with a Brand! New! Episode! Tonight! Yay!
In case you haven’t been watching – shame on you! However, if you’ve been under a rock or in a coma these past few weeks, I’ll take mercy and give you a quickie recap:
The alleged “designers” have been given two challenges – one to make a look out of the clothes they’ve been wearing to bed and a bedsheet, and one where they had to make a look made out of pet store supplies. Both have resulted in a few abominations, a couple of good looks, and a closeted [totally not gay] Mormon got sent packing. A pity. Continue reading
It’s live blog time! (Again!)
The finals of the UEFA Champions League between Manchester United and FC Barcelona starts this afternoon at 2:45ish. The English and Spanish domestic champions have 90 minutes to decide the best team in European football for the 2010-2011 UEFA season. Join me here as I opine on the game with gchat cameos from Botswana. Feel free to chime in with comments or questions, but not concerns.
The UEFA Champions League Final is sort of like our Super Bowl if we allowed other countries to play football. It’s like the World Series if it were truly a World Series. It’s like the BCS national Championship if we allowed teams from Idaho to play for the title. Continue reading
Live blog time!
Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Eastern Conference Finals between the Boston Bruins and the Tampa Bay Lightning starts tonight at 8ET. For some reason, I’ve been given clearance to liveblog the game. As I often say when making terrible calls in Euchre: “Let’s see how this goes.”
Game 7: it’s what separates the highly-paid men who will continue playing from the other highly-paid men who will retire to their deluxe mansions.
So Dancing Queen and I were Gchatting Saturday night, which inadvertently turned into a not-quite-liveblog of the Victor Ortiz vs. Andre Berto boxing match on HBO. Neither of us are boxing experts and we don’t know if our little Crass experiment will work or not, but we hope you enjoy it.
A little background about this fight (which DQ did not have prior to tuning in): This was a fight between Andre Berto and “Vicious” Victor Ortiz from the MGM Grand Theater at Foxwoods. Berto, the Welterweight World Champion and undefeated star, was a 2004 Haitian Olympian who skipped a career-boosting fight with Sugar Shane Mosley when the earthquake happened in Haiti, was the odds on favorite. Up-and-comer Ortiz, promoted by Oscar de la Hoya, was looking to make his mark on the scene in a new weight class. His personal story (link is included at the end – muahahaha) makes him quite compelling.
By most accounts, this has been the fight of the year, and DQ and Bots have to agree. DQ only wishes that this fight had been in Vegas and that she were there, too, so she could see the ladies’ cray-cray outfits. Two words: plastic catsuits.
**DQ apologizes in advance for her sailor language. She currently has soap in her mouth.**
9:54 DING! DING! Here we go:
9:57 PM HBO shows the undercard: Amir Khan vs. Johnny McCloskey in Manchester, England. McCloskey happens to be Irish.
Bots: oh my, they’re showing a fight from the uk first. and the irish boxer fights EXACTLY like the Notre Dame mascot.
DQ: what’s his name
Bots: well i’m watching boxing on hbo.
DQ: i was wondering
Bots: McCloskey. he’s fighting Amir Khan who is the heavy favorite.
Bots: so when is this royal wedding i’m supposed to liveblog?
DQ: april 29th!
Bots: oh ok. i thought maybe it was today and i missed it.
DQ: no such luck there, buddy
Bots: no i want to liveblog it. i feel like i could add a lot to the experience.
Bots: this is hilarious. they should put a green leprechaun hat on him.
DQ: uh yeah. i would say so. [at McCloskey] throw a punch man!
10:00 PM – DQ notices McCloskey is clad in extremely shiny boxing shorts
DQ: doesn’t it do something to your credibility to have sequins on your shorts?
Bots: haha. they are silly.
DQ: hey! maybe you and i should liveblog this!
Bots: he looks like a disco ball.
DQ: get a girl’s perspective on a man thing
Bots: gooch and i talked about it but we may do the pacquiao – mosley fight.
DQ: [regarding disco ball pants] dude is getting his ass beat
Bots: the leprechaun isn’t nearly fast enough to fight khan.
DQ: kahn seems to have a longer reach
Bots: he does. by an inch and a half. he’s also like 7 years younger. and his trainer is freddie roach.
DQ: i dunno what significance that has
Bots: oh. freddie roach is pacquiao’s trianer. he’s the best in the biz.
10:05 PM – Someone in the crowd is blowing what we think is a vuvuzela.
DQ: take away that fucking horn!
Bots: is that a vuvuzela?
DQ: it’s higher pitched
Bots: boxing is so fucking livebloggable. it’s such a crazy scene of a sport.
DQ: i think you just made up a word. it would be more fun if we could see the crazy outfits the women are wearing
Bots: oh i’m sure.
10:17 – Somehow the conversation turns to places we’d like to visit.
Bots: i love the geography out west. i really love the west actually. i should be home on the range, riding horses, getting into gunfights with banditos.
DQ: haha. that’s what we do
Bots: not fucking going to the stripmall to buy socks at target. uh oh. the irishman is taking punches.
DQ: yikes!
10:20 The fight doctor calls the fight after a small cut opens up on McCloskey’s forehead.
Bots: wtf. doctor’s decision or something? BOOOOOO! Do not like. the cut was from an accidental headbutt. crowd is NOT happy! Oscar De La Hoya sighting.
DQ briefly switched to SATC 2 because she likes to punish herself. She soon decided that watching men beating the hell out of each other was a major improvement over SATC 2 so she switched back to boxing.
DQ: they stopped the fight?
Bots: yep. the irishman is mad because “people paid their hard earned money for the pay per view.” hilarious. no american fighter would EVER give a shit about the fans! hahaha
DQ: i heard that
Bots: those horns. ugh. make it stop!
DQ: i’d choke that fucker
Bots: i’d shove that horn up his ass! /no homophob hahaha
DQ: haha
Bots: Larry Merchant insults the fight doctor. he is totally senile. boxing is the crazy cousin of the sports world.
10:33 – The main event (Ortiz vs. Berto) begins and Ortiz comes out wearing a giant gold and white sobrero and a bizarre silver tunic-like garment with the American flag, Mexican flag and a giant Kansas Jayhawks logo on the chest.
Bots: oh lord. what is Ortiz wearing?
DQ: um, i have no words for that
Bots: hilarious.
they were talking about his story earlier. apparently he and his brother were abandoned in a small kansas town as kids and they like lived in a barn or something for a while. crazy.
DQ: wow. terrible. did he go to KU? i saw that on his get-up
Bots: i highly doubt it. not a lot of college students in boxing! i love boxing but it just chews you up. it’s brutal if you peek behind the curtain.
10:36 – The ring announcer is a blue-eyed, white guy with ponytailed dreadlocks, an extremely well-groomed goatee and ring announcer voice.
DQ: theeeeeee fuck?
Bots: YES! I want this guy at my next party!
DQ: i don’t like how he is holding the mic. he is confusing to me
Bots: His suit is fantastic too. boxing is insane.
DQ: 12 rounds is just ridiculous. TOO MANY!
Bots: who is the guy with the mohawk behind ortiz? this is crazy.
DQ: he is confusing me too
Bots: and they’re all wearing those reflective suits like ortiz.
DQ: please don your tin foil suits!
Bots: this announcer kind of sucks. despite the awesome hair.
DQ: you think so?
Bots: i want to like him but he’s no michael buffer.
DQ: why did he just say ortiz, twice
Bots: don’t ask why. just go with it!
DQ: i was just wondering if there was a reason! yeah, that guy berto is fucking diesel
Bots: he’s really, really quick.
DQ: he did the double name thing again!
Bots: this announcer! what the what?????
DQ: the HBO commentator is talking to himself
Bots: i know. we should be liveblogging this!
DQ: WOW look at berto’s lats!
Ortiz surprised everyone by pummeling Berto right away in the first round.
DQ: the fuck!
Bots: berto is wasted tired.
DQ: berto is beat
Bots: we should be commentators
DQ: he got rocked!
Bots: berto is just blatantly missing on his punches. not even close to landing them.
DQ: wow. ortiz is kicking his ass
Bots: berto’s confidence seems gone
DQ: he doesn’t know what is happening. he is not well prepared for this fight
Bots: well he just knocked down ortiz! this is amazing!
DQ: i know! i rewound
Bots: i want this fight to keep going. no KO’s yet!
DQ: the slow mo is nutso. Ortiz’s right is a hammer
Bots: these guys are just slugging away at each other.
DQ: he can duck like a …duck
Bots: berto? yeah he’s fast.
DQ: [at Berto] get off the ropes! ortiz is crazed
Bots: ortiz is taunting him a bit. hi def is the ONLY way to watch this shit!
DQ: or on an old giant 32 inch TV! i should be a coach. the commentator just told him to get off the ropes which i just said
Bots: berto’s corner seemed like a disaster. jeez. while ortiz is relaxed.
DQ: his corner is as shaken as berto
Bots: what a cute usher over there on the left.
DQ: oh hello. haha “not 50 cent”
Bots: Fitty and Floyd Mayweather in the house.
DQ: chelsea handler is going to get blasted tonight
Bots: chelsea handler? why? is she there?
DQ: she’s with 50
Bots: why am i even surprised? it’s boxing. crazy stuff like that always happens.
DQ: i keep thinking antoine dodson is there
11:07 – In the seventh round Berto makes a huge comeback and knocks Ortiz down.
Bots: well shit. berto has his legs back.
DQ: [mixing metaphors] berto is swinging for the fences
Bots: holy shit.
DQ: dem some hay fucking hay makers. good night ortiz. this is the best fight i’ve ever seen
Later in the same round, Berto himself gets knocked down.
Bots: oh my! berto just flops backward. mind ASPLODE. i need another fucking bourbon.
DQ: pour one for me! [watching replay of massive blow to Bertos’ chin] GAWD! did you see that?
Bots: incredible. this is why i love boxing. it’s pure drama sometimes.
DQ: now i want berto to win even more
Bots: yup. go berto.
DQ: come on berto get those legs back
Bots: berto was wobbling like a drunken leprechaun there!
DQ: is that bill cosby! [it was not]
Bots: did you see the cos? I swear i saw the cos like four times. [still not] must be the coogi sweater.
DQ: jello pudding pops
Bots: if they show 50 cent but no cosby, cosby is going to slap someone.
DQ: oh i see your usher lady
Bots: haha. THERE SHE IS. She is pretty fetching in that bright red blazer!
DQ: i think she is wearing gloves too. Fancy!
Bots: she’s a star usher. also, the one photographer on the right looks like he will sell you some pig liquor out in the parking lot after the fight.
DQ: pig liquor?
Bots: moonshine
DQ: did you see the one on the right? he looks like the elephant man
Bots: that’s pig liquor guy.
DQ: perfect. ortiz keeps hitting berto in the back of the head
Bots: ortiz! what are you doing? stupid. should have lost a point this time!
DQ: okay. there are just too many rounds
Bots: no! they used to go like 15 rounds back in ali’s day.
DQ: [watching replay of berto getting pummeled] gaaaaaawddamn
Bots: And it obviously had no ill effects…
DQ: true, true. those guys all ended up as rhodes scholars
Bots: i’m going to hell for that, aren’t i?
DQ: i’ll meet you there. berto is done. and then he’s back!
Bots: it’s amazing. he’s taking like huge combinations of punches, then counters right at ortiz’s face.
DQ: if berto is going to win, it will have to be by KO
Bots: berto getting up off the canvas looks like me after about 8 rum and cokes. reaching for things to hold on to. losing the batle against gravity.
DQ: like a baby giraffe with his legs locking backwards
Bots: like a baby honey badger after bingeing on snake venom.
Bots: ortiz’s uppercut is badass.
DQ: he throws a lot of hooks
Bots: listen to you, miss boxing analyst!
DQ: kickboxing class has taught me many things
Bots: oh shit. you’re kickin’ motherfuckers.
DQ: in dey head
11:27 PM – They go into the final round with Oritz clearly leading on points.
DQ: it’s like a fucking counseling session in berto’s corner. here we go
Bots: yeah. berto needs to punch big here.
DQ: what is this?
Bots: ortiz is stalling kinda.
DQ: ahhhh that’s what i thought
11:31 – The fight is over. Ortiz wins by decision.
Bots: wow. very entertaining. ortiz is kind of evil looking, no?
DQ: that gold belt is going to conflict with their tin foils suits
Bots: the announcer just said Maidana won a great fight, and then had to be corrected. Ahh, boxing.
DQ: ahhh head injuries
Bots: ahh premature alzheimer’s symptoms!
DQ: the ring chick is over acting a bit
Bots: whoa. leave the ring girl alone!
DQ: oh they thought of everything! gold hats to match the belt!
Bots: that sombrero is redonkulous.
DQ: what? no
Bots: sombreros are just innately silly.
DQ: they are great for dancing around
Bots: and for hiding things in while being worn…
DQ: and for carrying babies. ortiz sounds pretty good
Bots: yeah, he doesn’t sound nearly as evil as he looks. i kind of like ortiz actually.
DQ: the commentator sounds brain-injured
Bots: larry merchant. yeah, he’s really really old. i think he had a stroke but HBO wont fire him since he’s been around so long.
DQ: he’s like the diane rehm of boxing
Bots: here in atlanta the local npr affiliate has this old lady who sounds like an 80s stereotype of a rich white lady. and they will not EVER take her off the air because the old white people who donate money all love her. larry merchant is just painful to watch.
DQ: now i want to read Ortiz’s story
So, dear friends, we had a grand plan to publish one Oscars story each day this week and then ACCOUNT SUSPENDED happened. That’s okay though because we know it was just Crasstalk winning the Internet. We are all Honey Badger about it.
What that means, though, is that today is all about the Oscars! Missing Peace, Dancing Queen and Ms. Anthropy are on it to bring you a full day of Academy Awards coverage. We’re starting with a fashion pre-cap this morning to get you warmed up for the main event – a liveblog of the show tonight, starting with the red carpet coverage on E! at 6 ET/3 PT and switching to ABC when the ceremony begins at 8 ET/5 PT. Join us – no false eyelashes, boobs, or smiles required!
We are dying to launch right into the fashion review of tonight’s Parade of the Stars but FIRST!, we offer a look into the fashion trends as displayed by the men and women who have strutted, peacock-like, down this season’s red carpets that don’t matter because they are not The Oscars. The pressure of being a stand-out on the Red Mile, watched by millions of people around the world and analyzed by fashion experts (and us), can bring out the best (even if you forget to thank your husband later). It can also bring out the worst. Speaking of the worst, did you know Gwenyth Paltrow is performing a song from Country Strong? We sincerely hope she remembers a bra this year. How many times have you yelled at the television: “FIRE YOUR STYLIST!” or “Baby, you couldn’t look better if you were covered in bacon and chocolate!” Yes, tonight is as much an amateur fashion critic’s dream as it is Joan Rivers’ foreplay to her post-Oscars climax.
Will Nicole Kidman wear a wedding dress for the 67th time? Will Mark Ruffalo comb his hair? Will the first “age appropriate” offender be one of the babies or an old? We’ve got our Tim Gunn bobblehead and black Sharpie at the ready, so let’s go!
Here’s a review of last year’s Oscar red carpet. We are still waiting for the explanation as to why Nicole Richie was invited. As for the ladies, highlights were the pre-breakup, sleek and stunning Sandra Bullock, which is much different than the sheepdog hair she sported at this year’s Golden Globes. We needed her to be more “wash that man right out of her hair” and then style it, rather than just leave it to airdry on the way to the show. Mo’nique, who apparently didn’t spend one moment away from her man long enough to take a solo shot on the red carpet, looked lovely in blue with some hairy-ass legs. You want to know how to stand out on the red carpet? Just study Vera Farmiga.
Disappointments were an unusually bland Penelope Cruz (get a new silhouette), the now infamous “bun boobs” on Charlize Theron, and Tinfoil & Tulle Barbie.
First time nominee last year only to return with a second nomination this year, Jeremy Renner changed it up from the typical penguin suit. Will he go more traditional this year? We’d like to see him “cleaned up” a bit more like this. How you improve on Colin Firth’s perfect perfection (thank you, Tom Ford) is a mystery to us, but it would not be this (come on with the tennies, RDJ – you’re too old for this). Also, Tom Ford should be at every awards show. Honey wears the hell out of a tuxedo.
The 2011 Golden Globes offered us visions of Angelina, Mila, and Ms. Zeta-Jones in multiple textures of emerald green, shimmering neutrals, and whatever it was that the kooky Helena Bonham Carter had on (scraps of leftover fabric from Alice in Wonderland costumes?). We’re not feeling the 80s dresses, complete with shoulder pads and crystals – there isn’t anything new being done with that to make it feel fresh or worth revisiting – let’s hope the ladies got that out of their systems at the lesser awards.
Hopefully, this daisy-sprinkled Mia Farrow-wannabe disaster is a thing of the past – doesn’t she know The Great Gatsby remake has already been cast? Will Johnny Depp’s love affair with the pirate look off-screen continue to merge with his Hollywood Star/French Countryman/Everyman look (otherwise known as the rich hobo)? More men should look like the man on the left, so please make that happen, and that includes you. We’ll wait.
We know how difficult it is to dress when you are expecting but there is no need to look like a box of dollar store Valentine’s day chocolates. Or worse: looking like a lop-sided damaged one even when you are not expecting, for that matter. Also – use a steamer! You’re a celebrity, dammit, demand it!
Our Jakey adheres to the Tom Ford rule. Please note the well-fitting suit, appropriately shiny shoes, and proportional bow tie.
The 2011 BAFTA’s brought out some of the best in this year’s nominees. Her performance may have been so-so but Annette Bening radiated on the carpet and somehow managed not to look like she was wearing a wedding dress. We think this will probably be the only time we can say that SWINTON knocked it out of the park. (Ms. A begs to differ and bows to the Swinton – suck it haters.)
We can’t forget the classics, however. Will we see an updated version of these red carpet figure skating outfits vamping it up tomorrow night? Is Cher coming to the Oscars? She really should, we need the fodder.
Also, will Natalie Portman take a rather obvious cue from the original swan woman? It might make for good maternity wear.
Who are you excited to see? Who will “make it work” and who needed to “edit.” Who will be a hit or a miss (see what we did there)?
Don’t forget to join us later today for a liveblog of Oscar night, starting with the red carpet arrivals on E! (6 ET/3 PT). We will also be doing a champagne-soaked, Spanx-free Oscar re-cap on Monday so be ready to dish!
Yes folks, some of us have decided to bring back one of the most consistently entertaining aspects of The Place Which Shall not Be Named – Live Blogs!
Our first victim? Syfy’s own Face-Off.
It airs Tuesdays at 10 PM. If you’re not familiar, Face-Off is a reality competition show for special-effects make-up artists. It has the same format as every other cable channel TV show I’ve ever seen, as in there’s a mini-challenge at the beginning of the episode, then the contestants have a themed challenge that they have x-number of hours to complete, rinse, repeat.
The thing is, the challenges are pretty damn cool and the judges actually have a clue. We get to hear the words of wisdom from industry pros such as Ve Neill, of Pirates of the Carribbean and Edward Scissorhands fame, and winner of three of those Academy Award thingies, which is cool, I guess. Also, Glenn Hetrick of Heroes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the FREAKING X-FILES people, and Patrick Tatopoulos, who had a hand in Underworld, Independence Day, and Resident Evil: Extinction.
Those Independence Day aliens were wicked cool, y’all. Especially the one that got punched in the face by Will Smith. Ok, so the face punching was the cool part, but still.
Tonight’s challenge apparently involves “Friday the 13th” director Sean Cunningham and the creation of horror movie villains. Sounds interesting. And gory. Mmmmm…. gore….
So, Syfy (Still hate that name) at 10 PM. Hope to see you there!
We’re liveblogging the Jersey Shore season premiere. Because, well, if we don’t watch it, how will we learn about various hot tub-related viruses?
Ok Crasstalkers. Let’s EDIT: GET DRUNK AND watch movies together.
We’ll figure out a date, maybe the second week opposite Book Club? and then agree on a movie to rent/stream/torrent/watch/drink/imbibe/partake together and liveblog the fun.
The movie can be artsy or foreign or a classic classic or a modern classic. Leave your suggestions in the replies and we’ll get this party started.
Because SNFF sounds like an unreliable French railway