So, dear friends, we had a grand plan to publish one Oscars story each day this week and then ACCOUNT SUSPENDED happened. That’s okay though because we know it was just Crasstalk winning the Internet. We are all Honey Badger about it.
What that means, though, is that today is all about the Oscars! Missing Peace, Dancing Queen and Ms. Anthropy are on it to bring you a full day of Academy Awards coverage. We’re starting with a fashion pre-cap this morning to get you warmed up for the main event – a liveblog of the show tonight, starting with the red carpet coverage on E! at 6 ET/3 PT and switching to ABC when the ceremony begins at 8 ET/5 PT. Join us – no false eyelashes, boobs, or smiles required!
We are dying to launch right into the fashion review of tonight’s Parade of the Stars but FIRST!, we offer a look into the fashion trends as displayed by the men and women who have strutted, peacock-like, down this season’s red carpets that don’t matter because they are not The Oscars. The pressure of being a stand-out on the Red Mile, watched by millions of people around the world and analyzed by fashion experts (and us), can bring out the best (even if you forget to thank your husband later). It can also bring out the worst. Speaking of the worst, did you know Gwenyth Paltrow is performing a song from Country Strong? We sincerely hope she remembers a bra this year. How many times have you yelled at the television: “FIRE YOUR STYLIST!” or “Baby, you couldn’t look better if you were covered in bacon and chocolate!” Yes, tonight is as much an amateur fashion critic’s dream as it is Joan Rivers’ foreplay to her post-Oscars climax.
Will Nicole Kidman wear a wedding dress for the 67th time? Will Mark Ruffalo comb his hair? Will the first “age appropriate” offender be one of the babies or an old? We’ve got our Tim Gunn bobblehead and black Sharpie at the ready, so let’s go!
Here’s a review of last year’s Oscar red carpet. We are still waiting for the explanation as to why Nicole Richie was invited. As for the ladies, highlights were the pre-breakup, sleek and stunning Sandra Bullock, which is much different than the sheepdog hair she sported at this year’s Golden Globes. We needed her to be more “wash that man right out of her hair” and then style it, rather than just leave it to airdry on the way to the show. Mo’nique, who apparently didn’t spend one moment away from her man long enough to take a solo shot on the red carpet, looked lovely in blue with some hairy-ass legs. You want to know how to stand out on the red carpet? Just study Vera Farmiga.
Disappointments were an unusually bland Penelope Cruz (get a new silhouette), the now infamous “bun boobs” on Charlize Theron, and Tinfoil & Tulle Barbie.
First time nominee last year only to return with a second nomination this year, Jeremy Renner changed it up from the typical penguin suit. Will he go more traditional this year? We’d like to see him “cleaned up” a bit more like this. How you improve on Colin Firth’s perfect perfection (thank you, Tom Ford) is a mystery to us, but it would not be this (come on with the tennies, RDJ – you’re too old for this). Also, Tom Ford should be at every awards show. Honey wears the hell out of a tuxedo.
The 2011 Golden Globes offered us visions of Angelina, Mila, and Ms. Zeta-Jones in multiple textures of emerald green, shimmering neutrals, and whatever it was that the kooky Helena Bonham Carter had on (scraps of leftover fabric from Alice in Wonderland costumes?). We’re not feeling the 80s dresses, complete with shoulder pads and crystals – there isn’t anything new being done with that to make it feel fresh or worth revisiting – let’s hope the ladies got that out of their systems at the lesser awards.
Hopefully, this daisy-sprinkled Mia Farrow-wannabe disaster is a thing of the past – doesn’t she know The Great Gatsby remake has already been cast? Will Johnny Depp’s love affair with the pirate look off-screen continue to merge with his Hollywood Star/French Countryman/Everyman look (otherwise known as the rich hobo)? More men should look like the man on the left, so please make that happen, and that includes you. We’ll wait.
We know how difficult it is to dress when you are expecting but there is no need to look like a box of dollar store Valentine’s day chocolates. Or worse: looking like a lop-sided damaged one even when you are not expecting, for that matter. Also – use a steamer! You’re a celebrity, dammit, demand it!
Our Jakey adheres to the Tom Ford rule. Please note the well-fitting suit, appropriately shiny shoes, and proportional bow tie.
The 2011 BAFTA’s brought out some of the best in this year’s nominees. Her performance may have been so-so but Annette Bening radiated on the carpet and somehow managed not to look like she was wearing a wedding dress. We think this will probably be the only time we can say that SWINTON knocked it out of the park. (Ms. A begs to differ and bows to the Swinton – suck it haters.)
We can’t forget the classics, however. Will we see an updated version of these red carpet figure skating outfits vamping it up tomorrow night? Is Cher coming to the Oscars? She really should, we need the fodder.
Also, will Natalie Portman take a rather obvious cue from the original swan woman? It might make for good maternity wear.
Who are you excited to see? Who will “make it work” and who needed to “edit.” Who will be a hit or a miss (see what we did there)?
Don’t forget to join us later today for a liveblog of Oscar night, starting with the red carpet arrivals on E! (6 ET/3 PT). We will also be doing a champagne-soaked, Spanx-free Oscar re-cap on Monday so be ready to dish!