Koch Industries Resource Extraction Specialist and part-time Wisconsin governor Scott Walker took the last train to Pawlentyville and exited the presidential race on Monday.
In a weed-choked lot in Des Moines that contained the burned-out ruins of his once-proud Walker 2016 headquarters, Walker made the announcement to a couple of cameramen from Channel 9 Action News. In a filthy Koch Industries t-shirt, the dejected governor announced he would return to Wisconsin. “God told me to run for president, but I guess he was just funnin’ me. Guess I’ll go do some more governating or something. If I learned one thing in Boy Scouts, I….ah, screw it. I’m out. Donald Trump can kiss my ass. Later, chumps.” Walker was frequently interrupted by hoots of derisive laughter from from Virginia governor Jim “Happy” Gilmore and muffled cackles from New York governor George Pataki. Gilmore and Pataki had been squatting in a lean-to on the lot after being evicted from the Motel 6 out by I-35.
“You suck!” a visibly drunk Jim Gilmore shouted. “I outlasted you! You owe me a dollar!” A Walker spokesman later denied that there had been a bet between the two mediocre governors as to whose campaign would last the longest. “Honestly, I don’t think Governor Walker ever talked to Mr. Gilmore, back when, you know.” He looked down at a tattered, sooty Walker sign. His eyes filled with tears. Gilmore had constructed a make-shift outhouse out of Walker signs. The Walker aide sighed. “Gilmore probably had a bet with Jindal. He’s from a vice-ridden casino state. Ask him.” The Jindal campaign denied that they in fact had a dollar to give to Gilmore.
Pataki and Gilmore vowed to press on in Iowa and New Hampshire. “I, GEORGE PATAKI, STILL LIVE! I, GEORGE PATAKI, WILL ONE DAY RULE!” Pataki muttered beneath the bandages he wears to hide his hideous form, rendered invisible in that terrible experiment so many years ago. Every election season, several invisible men run, but few are as grotesquely invisible as Pataki. You can see his organs and poop and stuff. It’s horrible.
In other news, former Texas Nathan Bedford Forest Gump, better known to prosecutors as indicted crook Rick Perry, also dropped out. Ooops.
