The number of official 2016 presidential candidates doubled Tuesday when Kentucky senator Rand Paul announced he will challenge Canadian Ted Cruz for the GOP nomination. At CornCon in Des Moines, Iowa, Paul drove his ethanol-powered sportscar, Goldbug, onto the floor of cavernous Hall D of the Polk County Civic Center, emerging to thunderous applause to the crowd of Star Trek cosplayers and hangers-on who were actually expecting George Takei and whatshisname from Star Trek: Voyager.
Paul gave an energetic speech, full of barbs at his opponent, Ted Cruz, who he compared to a mugato, the menacing white ape from the snowy mountains of the planet Neural IV, known for it’s venomous claws and it’s poor leadership skills. “Now, the mugato, he makes a lot of noise, but what’s his record for getting things done?” Paul asked the somewhat confused crowd. “Sure, he can scare the Hill People, but is that leadership?” The mugato reference was both a reminder to conservatives of Cruz’s foreign-born Albertan heritage–snow shamans of Cruz’s clan are said to have the ability to transfigure into white snow-apes–and an unflattering comparison to a mediocre Star Trek episode aimed at Paul’s core supporters, libertarian stoners who like Star Trek.
Paul also criticized Hillary Clinton, who is widely expected to be the Democratic nominee unless some obscure state senator beats her. Paul likened her to a Kahn-ut-tu woman, the powerful but untrustworthy Hill People witches that no man can resist. “We don’t need any more of her Benghazi witchcraft!” he cried, though no one was entirely sure what that meant. Reporters grumbled in bitterness that they were at a Star Trek convention, while reaction to the speech from the crowd was mixed. A pudgy man in an ill-fitting Captain Kirk tunic, who identified himself only as Gary, said “I never really thought of Hillary Clinton as a Khan-ut-tu woman, but I guess if you think of Tyree as sort of the Hill People version of Bill Clinton, I guess it kind of works. I was a little disappointed that Senator Paul made so many references to a kind of crummy second-season episode. I wish he had talked more about some good first season episodes.” A man named Todd, wearing sloppily applied Ferengi makeup remarked “I wish he had talked more about gold.” A fat guy eating two corn dogs at the same time, who may or may not have been cosplaying as a pig, said he liked the cut of Ted Cruz’s jib. A woman who was either one of the sickly whores who ply the events at the Polk County Civic Center, or a cosplayer dressed as a green Orion harem girl said she was voting for Hillary Clinton, though she wished Elizabeth Warren would run. A man in a rumpled suit surprisingly said he was supporting Maryland governor Martin O’Malley. This man later turned out to be Martin O’Malley himself, who is a big fan of George Takei and whatshisname from Star Trek: Voyager.
Rand Paul is the son of the accursed undying 3000-year-old Bronze Age shaman stoners call Ron Paul. Rand Paul is not, as some people think, named after Ayn Rand, but after Janice Rand, Ron Paul’s favorite Star Trek character. The elder Paul ran unsuccessfully for the GOP nomination for president twice, in 2008 and 2012, and for the Whig Party nomination in 1836 and 1840, as well as unsuccessfully attempting to oust Pharaoh Akhenaten in 1340 B.C. It was during the uprising against Akenhaten that Ron Paul became interested in fiscal policy and the gold standard. He was also cursed by temple priests to walk the earth undying until the lost gold of Osiris–which Paul had used to pay Akkadian mercenaries–was returned to the temple. According to Egyptologists, Rand Paul is Ron Paul’s 400th child. Rand Paul’s access to his father’s political machine puts him on track to meet or exceed his father’s record of winning zero primaries in 2012. Rand Paul is likely to forego the use of Akkadian mercenaries, focusing instead on turning out the votes of cosplayers, stoners, goldbugs, and illiterates. The Iowa caucuses are in 46 weeks.
