Iowa has spoken! Ted Cruz has bathed in the sacred ethanol and been annointed by Iowa’s pig-men. Let’s commence with the wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Once every four years, as you probably learned in civics class, the Iowa pig-men meet and consult the sacred oracles, thrash about in their foul-smelling shit lagoons, or caucuses, (from the Potowatamie word cau-causa, which means “shit lagoon”) and speak to their ancient pig-gods. Then white people from all over Iowa piss all over this beautiful if smelly tradition sacred to a group of mystical manimals, and re-enact it themselves in a tasteless fashion in corn barns and middle schools and middle barns and corn schools all over Iowa. Where once this ceremony was used by the pig-men to choose their great leader, the Over-pig, today it is used to pick potential nominees for the two major political parties. It has been this way ever since President James K. Polk tricked the pig-men into thinking he was a god and annexed Iowa. For more than a century, the caucus was a relatively meaningless affair, an excuse for pig-men to roll around in shit and for Iowa Hawkeyes fans to get drunk. All that changed in 1976 when peanut-magus Jimmy Carter unearthed the Orb of Polk, which gives the bearer the power to become a one-term president, and used its power to simultaneously close The Sphincter Between the Worlds that thrice-cursed Nixon had opened, and win the Iowa caucus. The terrifying magical detritus caused by Carter’s inept peanut-magery has caused the caucus to throb with magical significance ever since, even though the results are often nonsensical. I mean, Huckabee in 2008? Really?
This year, the Over-pig rose from the shit-lagoon and gave the coveted Corn Scepter to America’s most repulsive Canadian, the unlikeable senator from Canada Texas, Rafael Theodoric Cruz. Some scholars speculate that this is perhaps a long-planned form of revenge for James K. Polk’s trickery, an attempt by the pig-men to foist on America the worst possible president. On the other hand, they could have chosen Donald Trump, so who knows?
Hideous claymation-Christmas-special villain Donald Trump, for all of his trumpening about his trumpiness and how the Mexicans would rue the day of his trumpification, came in second, which technically, is LOSING. The schaden, it freudes. From high atop the golden spires of Trump Tower, in TrumpTown, a somewhat subdued Trump gave a somewhat subdued concession speech, as the orange-haired Trumpoids bounced forlornly on their golden pogo sticks.
Ted Cruz, by contrast, went full Hitler Jesus in his firey victory speech, in which he vowed to rain Hitler Jesus fire down upon the unbelievers and lay waste to New Hampshire. He is not very likeable, you see.
Almost as surprising as Trump’s sad mistrumpification was the reasonably strong third place finish of JC Penney’s Boys Collection empty suit and part-time Florida senator Marco Rubio. Five years of sitting in the very back of the Senate writing “President Marco Rubio” in your Trapper-Keeper paid off, senator! He gave a very stirring victory speech for a guy who lost. First, third, whatever. He’s not much of a math guy. He was really getting wound up in his faux-victory speech when Hillary Clinton said “enough of this horseshit” and gave HER victory speech, causing all the networks to cut away from man-child senator.
Sad deflated balloon animal Jeb! Bush was in a four-way tie for sixth place. Forty million dollars got him slightly more votes than Carly Fiorina. He placed behind Rand Paul, who was so dejected at his crappy showing that he dropped out. Get a clue, you sad shambling wreck. Now he’s walking around New Hampshire embarrassing people who thought he was already out.
The New Hampshire primary is February 9th. Prepare for more Trumpening!
