Election 2012

140 posts

Nevada Has Spoken! Romney Wins, Only 45 More Primaries To Go

Newt Gingrich campaigns in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Nevada has spoken! The mutant uranium-miners, opium whores, neon salesman and moisture farmers of The Radioactive State chose Willard “10k” Romney over space-beast Newt Gingrich, bedraggled has-been Dick Santorum, and undead specter Ron Paul.

Fresh from a smack-down by Romney’s magnificent wallet in the Florida GOP primary, the candidates made their way to Nevada, the seedy, alternate-universe Utah that was the site of the next ridiculous clown rodeo caucus. Here, on the uranium-poisoned sands once trod by Mo Green and Fredo Corleone, the candidates hoped to, well, not get smacked by Romney’s wallet again. This was really a vain hope, since Romney’s wallet, like the buffet at Stinky Pete’s Bordello and Casino, is bottomless. Romney ended up clubbing them all over the head and left them bleeding in the sand like extras in “Spartacus.” Continue reading →

South Carolina has Spoken!

Except that no one liked him, everything was going so well for Romney. Until South Carolina.

Mighty South Carolina has spoken!  The filth encrusted pig men of Iowa chose Romney Santorum! The flinty maple miners of New Hampshire chose Romney! Now, the salt-encrusted shimp-herds of South Carolina get to close the deal and pick the real nominee, Willard “Inevitable” Romney! Oh, hell, they picked loathsome space-creature Newton Leroy Gingrich. This screws up everything. South Carolina basically fell on the floor and started jabbering like Rick Moranis in “Ghostbusters.”
The GOP campaign traditionally starts with Iowa’s Over-Pig rising from a hog-farm shit-lagoon and anointing a candidate with his corn-scepter. This year, the squealing pig men dumped the traditional waste-encrusted Gatorade cooler full of victory ethanol over the head of Willard “10k” Romney, who won by only eight pig-votes. Continue reading →

GOP Debate Recap: These Guys Seem Pretty Angry With Each Other

The candidates, L-R, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Bought All the Evil and Shipped It to a Vault in the Cayman Islands

The GOP rodeo has lost a clown, but still the nomination process grinds on. This debate is tinged with sadness, because it will lack the comedy stylings of Texas governor Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump, who dropped out the day of the debate. There are only four podiums now on the stage here in Secession, South Carolina. You know, Perry dropped out just hours before. I bet they had a podium for him. What happened to it? Is Rick Perry’s podium in the dumpster in the back? What a great souvenir that would make! Somebody root around back there and scrounge it for me! I can have mock debates in my back yard! I can put my shoes on backward and pretend to be Perry! Awesome! Continue reading →

Republican Debate Recap: They Just Won’t Shut Up

The moist bogs of South Carolina have made Newt Gingrich feisty! He thirsts for battle!

The GOP presidential candidates are doing that thing they do, again, only this time in another place.

They’re debating again.  This time they’re in Barney Fife Hall in Mount Pilot, which is not as nice as the Shrimp-n-Grits Auditorium they performed in last time.

Sadly, they can’t go back to the SnG after the thing Gingrich did backstage on Saturday. The gas expelled from his float-sacs can be surprisingly volatile, and Huntsman should probably have told somebody about his shrimp allergy. Oh well. Was that only Saturday? Continue reading →

Jon Huntsman Is Dropping Out; Dozens Mourn

Farewell, Jon Huntsman

Mitt Romney stunt-double and Fantastic Four frontman Jon Huntsman stunned the dozens of people still following his campaign when he announced he was dropping out of the presidential race. Picking listlessly at his Low Country Boil Platter at Cap’n Barnacle’s in Charleston, Huntsman told largely indifferent customers that there was little point in continuing his campaign in South Carolina given his low poll numbers, his loathing of sweetened iced tea, and his mild shrimp allergy. Sources at Cap’n Barnacle’s say Huntsman’s campaign credit card was declined, and he paid with cash borrowed from his parents. Huntsman spokesman Ben Grimm said the former Utah governor would endorse  Massachusetts artificial life-form Willard Romney, “the only remaining candidate who shares Huntsman’s firm belief in a strong, Galactus-free America.” Huntsman supporters, such as they are, can console themselves with the knowledge that he lasted longer than professional jackass Herman Cain, or hapless laughingstock  and corndog eating contest also-ran Tim Pawlenty. Continue reading →