We here at Crasstalk have developed a special kind of sick affection for Newt Gingrich. How obsessed are we? We actually had two posts about him today. Both are funny, so I have combined them together for our own Newt Fest 2012. Please enjoy these posts by Lauren and Cletar.
Politics Ad Nauseam: Mitt Romney is Rich And Everyone Else Isn’t by Lauren
If you’re Newt Gingrich, narcissistic porcine hemorrhoid, who’s just gotten smacked across the face by the backside of New Hampshire this week, the only thing you can possibly do is dust your cankles off, gnaw on the comeuppance gristle you’ve been dealt, and then make an attack ad on Mitt Romney post-haste.
Granted there are more than a few things that can be applied to Mitt Romney. After-all, he has that pesky authenticity problem, he’s about as rousing as a birthday party while in a coma, and he’s flip-flopped on more issues than a carsick dog in a station wagon. However, the thing that really angers a trembling corpulent pasta-filled corpuscle like Gingrich, is the fact that Romney is filthy, farking rich. Gingrich apparently just sees himself as like medium rich, or like a Starbucks tall rich, or two Entenmanns doughnuts rich. You know the kind of rich that can get in debt at Tiffany’s, but also have about $300,000 to bail himself out of an ethics violation. That’s just like you and me! I’ll need my Port Wine Cheese and Triscuits now, Jeeves! Sure! It’s people like Mitt Romney that wipe their arseholes with diamonds and dine on Fabergé egg omelets that we really need to worry about. Because it’s people like Romney and Romney alone who want to sneak into your grandma’s bedroom and take her five buffalo nickels and the Ben Gay out of her sock safe hidden way deep under the floorboards.
This is exactly what Gingrich would have you believe from this latest ad. Basically, Romney is some sort of Cash Wraith who plans on cutting up the American People Freddy Krueger style! Listen to those patent horror movie musical strains of dread and ominous poltergeist tittering in this ad! And oh, no! Is he filmed in black & white like the subject of a Most Wanted documentary? He’s Mittens Bambino of the RoboTron Crime Family. Seriously, are we talking about just one boring Mormon or is South Carolina about to be ravaged by virulent Romney Pox? Probably all of the above, but that’s beside the point! Gingrich is a desperate man if he, ye of fifty wives and pork colon decadence, can pull out sad grandmas, and angry working folk, to prove some obsequious point about the rich assholery of Mitt Romney, when we’re pretty sure Gingrich would sell us all to the devil inside Santorum’s mind for a little extra scratch.
Newt Gingrich, Friend of the Working Man by Cletar
You almost have to admire loathesome space-slug and disgraced former House Speaker Newton Leroy Gingrich. To find a person so free of irony or conscience is a rare and beautiful thing, like Earth’s ugliest butterfly. As he flails around, trying to recapture the spirit of that glorious twenty-minute-period when he was the front-runner, Gingrich has launched an increasingly nasty series of attacks on charmless plutocrat Willard “10k” Romney, the Massachusetts government software packet that is currently in the lead for the GOP nomination.
Gingrich, who has a $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany’s in his soft little hands, is accusing Willard of being an insensitive rich person who is oblivious to the plight of the working man. The man who once waxed rhapsodic about the good old days when there were Dickensian orphanages and no child labor laws is now going after Romney’s business experience and treatment of workers. Gingrich is burning up the youtubes with anti-Romney videos. He warms up by pointing out that Willard is a clueless, gaffe-prone idiot who would be eaten alive by The Kenyan Usurper in a debate. His video, “For The Dogs,” shows clip after clip of Romney saying or doing something stupid.
http://youtu.be/x-4bm5NxqPY
The real masterpiece, though, is the 28-minute opus ominously titled “When Mitt Romney Came to Town.” You better watch out! You better not cry! Here’s the trailer.
The video critiques Romney’s time as CEO of Bain Capital, and really strikes at the heart of the whole rationale for Romney’s campaign. Romney claims he’s a job creator, but the video argues that Romney essentially strip-mined companies he acquired and put people out of work. It’s really an astonishing critique, coming from a Republican about a Republican. Sure, it’s cynical and hypocritical of Gingrich to be making this argument, but the video is interesting nonetheless. Here;s the full video, which is also available here.
http://youtu.be/BLWnB9FGmWE
