Teh Interwebz

299 posts

Join the Ministry of Propaganda

Greetings comrades. I come to you tonight to humbly ask your assistance in our effort to win The Internet. As you all know, we have experienced a pretty amazing transformation in the last few months and our humble collective has turned into the beginnings of a Dictatorship of the Internet Proletariat. No longer mere peasants; we have taken control of the means of production.

However, our battle has just begun and it is time for our armies to grow. For this to happen I need your help. As you may have noticed, we have added some new editors and moderators in the last couple of weeks in an effort to improve the quality of the site. Now that we are making that effort, we need to find a way to get the word out about the great stuff going on here. For this I need a few volunteers to be part of the Crasstalk Ministry of Propaganda.

The CMP will be charged with getting Crasstalk content out to other places on the web. This includes the social media platforms we already use, but we are also looking for some really creative ideas about getting the word out about the community here. We actually have some really interesting stuff here in our little web oasis, but we need to find ways to show it off to the rest of the world. I know that many of you are smart and innovative thinkers and we would really love to have your assistance as we continue to grow and shape the site.

If you are interested in helping out please send an email to [email protected]. If anyone has suggestions or ideas for promoting Crasstalk please put them in the comments so we can get some ideas rolling.

As always, it is an honor to serve with you.

Twitterama – The Best Of Twitter – April 19

Well hello again Crasstalk friends! I hope your weekend was pleasant, productive, or at least fun and that you’re easing into your week. It seems our faithful Crasstalk bretheren were among some of the most entertaining content of the Twitterverse over the weekend, so let’s recap, shall we?

Boobookitteh has a question:

Our own leniribbons brings up a good point:

I don’t know who this guy is, but this entertained me.

Patton Oswalt is actually pretty funny. I had no idea until Twitter.

Once more, Death Star PR comes through.

Simon Pegg witnesses a mother killing her child’s dream. A moment, please:

Men, please don’t try this at home:

This Julius Sharpe guy is a writer for Family Guy and my latest Twitter followee:

Twitter Julius Sharpe Here she come now say Mon ...

That’s all for now, ladies and gents. If you know of an awesome member of the Twitterverse, please let me know. In the meantime, keep Tweeting, bitches!

Twitterama, April 15, 2011

The magic of Twitter is that it gives us regular folks a chance to see into the randomized musings and utterly mundane details of celebrities and, well, everyone else, filter-free. Unleashed from the restraints of their PR flack and armed with a cell phone, famous folks can tell us what they had for lunch, or when they pick up their dry-cleaning. Just kidding. Rich people have someone do that for them. Otherwise, they might be forced to mingle with people who work for a living.

The thing with Twitter is that it’s moved beyond real people. Fictional characters have Twitter accounts now (more on that in a second). Hell, celebrities make up accounts for their dogs, which is dumb. I’m looking at you, Ice-T. For crying out loud, I have friends who set up an account for their 6 month old. If you guys have that kind of free time, perhaps you should look into doing something useful, like teaching the kid Chinese, or, better, picking up my dry cleaning.

Or, if you want to spend that much time on Twitter, try checking out the accounts of people who might actually have something interesting to say, like Lord Voldemort, who gives us some advice on how to make it through the weekend:

Seth McFarlane gives a new perspective on the Charlie Sheen situation:

um…. maybe?

Continuing on the Charlie Sheen track, the always awesome George Takei has his own ideas;

In another area of the entertainment industry, Roger Ebert gives his opinion on the Atlas Shrugged movie:

NPR, as always, is quite servicey:

When I was in college I took a stand-up comedy class. I honestly think it was a humanities course and not an elective, but I can’t be sure – it was many years ago.

In any case, our professor told us that even if your joke elicits a groan, it’s still a decent joke. My professor was also about 120 years old, so take that however you wish. Regardless, I think this may fall somewhere in the groan-worthy category.

And even more groan-worthy (with a side of giggle), Albert Brooks delivers:

Writer Seth Madej, friend of the author, gives tips on how to sound smart at parties (follow this guy, he’s entertaining):

This Twitter account is not for the religiously sensitive. For the rest of us – hilarious (and true!).

Death Star PR is always full of good questions:

And finally, Seth McFarlane again, retweeting a nonexistent Twitter account that should actually exist:

Right on, Seth.

Anyway, enjoy, and I’ll try to keep up on this the best I can. In the meantime, if you want to recommend some entertaining people to follow on Twitter, please do!

celebrities

#Crasstalk COW-Art Within Art

For as long as I’ve been a member of the various commenting communities from which we all spawn, my feeling has been that best internet comments are a form of art. They require a certain element of timing not unlike a comedian’s, as well as an element of wordplay and the ability to draw a picture with words akin to a skilled writer. Great comments don’t just happen, they take skill, and sometimes, even a a little bit of a set-up.

We saw many examples of this throughout the week around here. Why? Well, obviously, because we have some of the smartest, funniest folks on this here internet.

One example comes to us from Thursday evening’s Open Thread, courtesy of Homoviper and CaptainSnarky:

Sometimes, our nominations come from within the same thread in which we announced our last winner. It’s very meta:

However, as I mentioned above, commenting is indeed an art form at times. Our winner this week elevated the art of commenting to a discussion of an artistic act during and artistic event. That’s so meta, it just has to win. From last night’s Open Thread, our winner is Dancing Queen! Take a bow, dear! Just don’t stay bent over too long!

On a side note, thank you again to everyone who’s been sending along nominations. If I could, I’d include every nomination I get into the COW post, but you all don’t have the attention span for that, and you know it. Please keep them coming to [email protected].

How to Throw an Adult Easter Egg Hunt with eHow

Of course, you were searching for “How to Throw an Adult” and landed on this page. Then you got curious and your mind wandered to exactly what happens at an adult egg hunt. (Also, if someone ever combined the eHow of porn and the eHow of conception, Adult Egg Hunt should also be the title.) You’re a liberated, Cosmo-reading woman of the ’90s, so kick up your heels, have a drink, head to the nearest adult book shop and talk your friends into abandoning their kids. Because it’s Easter! Continue reading →

How to Benefit from Writing for Free

When I started blogging seven years ago, I had no idea who would read me or how long I would continue down this path. I love writing and have been told I’m pretty good at it. I’ve been fortunate to make a few shekels at it, but this is not something I do full-time. Because of that, I’m always happy to type off a few hundred words that will appear across the Internet to express my opinion, give advice, or evangelize on behalf of my favorite bands.

That said, there is very vocal camp who side against doing much of anything for free if there will not be a financial payoff down the road. For example, take former Huffington Post writer Jonathan Tasini, who is suing the site, and its new owner, AOL, to the tune of $105M on behalf of contributors (and himself, of course) who submitted content to the site for which they were unpaid. As you may already know, the Huffington Post was recently acquired by AOL for a whopping $315M.

It’s important to note they willingly and knowingly submitted free content to the site. That said, there is a precedent of unpaid workers, former AOL workers no less, receiving payment as part of a lawsuit settlement. It only took them about a decade to see that money.

So, if you’re not the litigious type–and frankly, that’s not really a great route to take–here are some ways to benefit from writing for free.

First and foremost, promote yourself.
While it’s great to hype other writers, get your own work out in front of as many eyes as possible. As the Huffington Post grew in popularity across the Web, those unpaid contributors likely saw their names rise through the ranks of search engines, especially if they wrote on a specific topic consistently. Whether you share news of your latest article on various social media sites or cross-post it on other blogs, make sure your name (or nom de plume) is out there next to the title of your piece.

Make a commitment to yourself.
Set a goal of only writing as much as you can, when you can. If you can only commit to writing for a total of three hours a month, be OK with that. You can’t get fired!

Do not stress over original content.
Sure, you may set out with a goal to submit original content to a site each and every time, but one of the great things about writing for free is being able to tailor existing content to a different audience. Perhaps you wrote a piece a few years ago, but want to revisit the topic. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Update your content, or not, and use the opportunity to get it in front of new people. This is a great tip to use when you have other things going on in your life that may prevent you from writing. Similarly, if there’s a topic that you’d love to write about, but want to receive payment for, don’t submit it for free. Instead, submit it to a publication — online or print — that will pay you for your words.

Know when to say “No.” (Aka be “The Gambler.”)
As the song says, “you’ve got to know when to fold ‘em.” If work, or life in general, takes over, know when to walk away. Never feel guilty about making time for yourself. More than likely, you’re writing for free because it’s a hobby and not something you’d pursue professionally. When it stops being fun, stop.

Do not expect/anticipate a payday later.
Unless there is a formal agreement in place at the outset of your agreeing to write for a site that if/when the site turns a profit, you will be paid, assume you will never see a single cent. Instead, leverage your writing into other opportunities. Building a portfolio of content you actually like writing about could lead to a new job or fun freelance gig.

Ignorance and Bigotry in Serendipity and Harmony

Folks, meet Ah Be Ignorant. We’ll call her Abby, and I will reveal nothing else about her except her own words. On a website which won’t be named and isn’t the one I fled in droves, Abby and I both read an article about an archeolgical dig that discovered a man’s remains from The Copper Age (about 5000 years ago). Our prehistoric gent was buried facing to the left, with a number of jars and pots.

No big deal? Well, burial rituals were very serious business back then, and that burial position and accoutrements were reserved exclusively for women. Tabloids screamed: “GAY CAVEMAN FOUND!” and scientists went all a-dither. While this is an interesting discovery, you simply can’t tell someone’s sexual orientation by what they were buried in. We’re sure based on the age of the bones that he wasn’t a “caveman,” and we can’t tell for sure if he was gay.

On the smirking site for old people, the findings were published as just that – interesting, perhaps as an indicator of social acceptance for different gender expressions. We know that “third-gender” is a concept recognized by anthropologists. Except for Abby.

Abby wrote: Glad I’m sitting down, because I would have fallen over laughing.

Really, Abby? The very idea of gay people existing over the span of time is funny? The idea that the manner of burial suggests something is absurd?

So I looked at her picture, and without taking into account the glazed look in the dead raisins of her eyes or the way her doughy face cracked open to reveal a roll of stale Mentos melting in the sun of a Murfreesboro parking lot, and without considering the fact that her dog looks like a Hell-o-Lab rather than a Yellow one, I wrote:

I hope they’re sitting down in 3011 when they dig you up and find Fido and a jar of Skippy peanut butter.

Naturally, the author of the article deleted my comment, but not before Abby responded: I’ve never eaten peanut butter in my life and if they want to dig me up, I won’t give a flying fig!

I suppose I should have been more graphic. But I did sign in as Heywood Jablowme, so I had to draw a line.

Stupid people. Making America more of an anti-intellectual hole every day. Full story, from another site: http://www.salon.com/entertainment/tv/feature/2011/04/08/gay_caveman_absurdity/

#Crasstalk COW: That’s No Fire Hose, Honey…

Greetings, Crasstalkers! (Yes, that’s a thing now).

It’s been a crazy week, hasn’t it? The US government is shutting down (probably), Glenn Beck is leaving/being removed from a daily TV programming role, and this happened:

If anything, I think that proves that #Crasstalk is slowly winning the internet.

But, for as wonderful an occurrence as a Twitteraction with a Real Housefrau is, that alone isn’t enough to get you Comment Of the Week.

No. the Comment of the Week needs more class, more, I don’t know, oomph than that. More pop culture goodness, like this:

But, if you really want to take home the title, and all the adulation that goes with it, borrowing words from Tyra Banks and vaginal word play aren’t enough either.

To earn the mantle of Comment of the Week, you need depth, artistic influence, and maybe a little bit of sage advice:

I was always more of a Warhol fan myself, but that requires more self control, one supposes.

As always, thank you to everyone who sent in nominations. Please, please, keep them coming if you want to see brilliance highlighted. The address, as always: [email protected].

Also, under the announcements heading: Please sign up for the LivingSocial thing on the sidebar, as you can get some really great deals, and they are less creepily written than Groupon (I think). Also, keep the servers flowing by making your Amazon purchases through the link in the same side bar. Between the book sluts and the music whores around here, there should be a Crasstalk van by the end of the year.

Let eHow.com Diagnose Your Skin Rash

Like everyone, when things go wrong in your life, my first thought is to turn to eHow.com to offer clarity in this mixed up world. Today, let’s learn what eHow suggests when you have discovered a skin thingy and need medical attention.

First off, you should know that eHow gives you the option of Tweeting this knowledge so you can keep your friends in the loop on your skin dramaz. Or you can send it via a Facebook message, as the most public and passive-aggressive method of letting Christy we can all see her funky forehead bumps.

The highlights: eHow teaches us what a dermatologist is, just in case you’ve always had a hankering to see one without being quite clear on what it is. For the purposes of this example, the doctor will be a man, because female doctors are called nurses. (Zing.)

EHow rates this as Difficulty: Moderate. But with a little forethought and elbow grease we can dial that difficulty level to simple and make you the pimp of pimples.

Instructions

1. Ask the doctor’s office staff about his credentials before making an appointment. Schedule an exam only if the doctor is certified by the American Board of Dermatology.

This is a great first step! Much like you’d never go to a restaurant without demanding to hear about the chef/Sandwich Artist’s childhood, don’t let that smug Dr. Zizmor uses his Rainbow of Skittle Vomit™ to his dig around your inflamed pores before first berating Tammi the receptionist for not being able to send a picture of the good doctor posing with his transcript and a newspaper with the date. If she can’t fax over the doctor’s med school transcripts, you have no choice but to drive over there yourself until she’s located his yearbooks and you’ve independently verified he was German Club president and heard a few heart-warming anecdotes about him calling spaghetti “pasketti”.

Remember: Certificates of live birth and diplomas from Arizona State don’t count.

2. Learn about your condition before meeting the doctor so you can ask informed questions and thoroughly discuss treatment options. If you have been treating your condition at home, write down the names of products used in the past along with their effect on your health.

I’m not going to lie, this is going to require you to Google Image some nasty things. You’re probably avoiding your own reflection by the time your condition has gotten doctor-worthy (thanks a lot, Obamacare!), so you may want to enlist the help of the next person who blanches at the sight of you.

This can be accomplished in several simple sub-steps. You’re minding your own pimple/rash/cyst business when an unsuspecting stranger’s monocle drops. Just remember the acronym ARG!

2a. Ask: “Would you say my face looks offensive in a small red bump way or more or a puss-filled mass way?”
2b. Refuse: to stop using the salad bar tongs to scratch.
2c. Google: Once you’ve been kicked out of the Ponderosa (fascists!) rush home and fire up the Googles.

Gather up all the infomercial skin products you’ve purchased, along with the skimask you generally wear in public these days.

3. Inquire about the doctor’s level of experience with your condition. If he lacks specialized knowledge in the necessary area, ask him to make a referral. If your dermatologist biopsies a mole and diagnosis you with skin cancer, he may refer you to an oncologist for further treatment.

We’re back with Tammi. March in that office like a boss, slam your fists down and demand answers. There’s no time for niceties! You have a skin thing, dammit! Tammi will be flattered about your attention to detail. (Note: See if Tammi is single.) Once Dr. NotGoodEnough moseys in, he’ll likewise be excited to hear you’ve made an appointment to determine if he’s worthy to look at your infection.

4. Talk to your dermatologist about prescription medication. If he prescribes a prescription cream to treat acne, for example, ask about side effects. Some oral medications for severe acne can cause dizziness or sensitivity to the sun, so it’s important to discuss your lifestyle with your doctor to determine what type of treatment is best for you.

Once the doctor has answered your riddles three and been allowed to gaze upon your blemishes, you’re going to want to get naked. Shit’s about to get real, people. Tell him all about your love of “Estty Lauder” cold cream you get in Chinatown and your penchant for scratching with salad buffet tongs. Brag about your year-round base tan and investment in the Sun Suite Tanning franchise in the strip mall. Try to get him to invest, painting it as the potential for more business.

Once it’s been determined what the hell your problem is (skin version) and the doctor has given you a prescription, you’re going to want to second-guess everything he says. Practice a disappointed, “Hmmmm, I don’t know about that. Will it make me faint if I’m exposed to sunlight?” When he – arrogantly! – dismisses your concern and makes a suspicious note on your chart, look out the window, shout out “HEAVEN FORFADE!” and swoon to the floor.

5. Ask about preparation, recovery and success rate if your condition requires surgical intervention. The doctor should inform you of all possible complications and risks involved. Dermatologists often perform small procedures in the office using local anesthetic.

Once you’ve come to, ask the doctor to give it to you straight. You know your odds: You have a skin thingy, for God’s sake. You’re wasting precious time! You’re probably not getting out without amputation. Demand surgery. Preemptively contact your parish priest, rabbi, imam (hedge your bets), next of kin and attorney. Yell, “Tell the world my story!” and change your will to note you’d like Dana Delaney to play you in the Lifetime movie. Grab the mask and knock yourself out.

6. Watch closely if your dermatologist performs a skin exam. If you have moles that have changed size or shape, the doctor may remove them in her office. She may ask you to watch particular areas of skin, so discuss with her how to spot suspicious moles.

Get the dried ice and carrot peeler and go to town. Learn too late what a freckle is. Congratulations, you don’t have any left.

7. Look at before and after pictures for your procedure. Keep in mind that everybody reacts differently to treatment and that your outcome may not resemble those in the doctor’s portfolio. Speak with the doctor about how he thinks your results will compare to those in the photos.

Get vain! It’s now safe to look in the mirror again! Force strangers to admire your variety of exciting new scars and compare them to your baby photos, which you’ll take to carrying around. Update your Facebook status with pictures. Hold your head up high and go win your job back at Ponderosa. Then file a motion to sue the doctor.

Facebook Pet Peeves

All right, crabby-pantses, it’s time for another vent session. After the wild success of our first pet peeves post, authored by the excellently-named Baconcat, who has successfully combined two of my very favorite things into one username, and bbqcornnuts’ post on parenting pet peeves I didn’t even know I had, I got to thinkin’. We covered the obvious sources of irritation: driving, social courtesies, roommates and spouses, grammar, and a curious number of annoyances related to the mouth.

What did we leave out? There was only one original comment that mentioned Facebook. I’m disappointed in you all. Surely we can do better than that.

Bypassing the easy targets, like Farmville invitations and TMI statuses (though please, don’t hold back if that is indeed what peeves you), I’d like to share a few of my pet peeves.

1. Overuse of ellipses. Punctuation an ellipses is not a substitute for:

Periods
Question marks
Commas
Semicolons
Spaces

Learn it. Live it.

2. Cryptic, attention-whoring statuses. The only things worse than these are the people who respond to them.

3. Facebook status arguments. We’ve all gotten into at least one of these (let me pretend I’m not the only one, okay?). Now you’re arguing with someone you most likely barely know, but god damn it, someone is wrong on The Internet and you’re not going to bed until they see how right you are. Not only are you now wasting your time and blowing up your Friends’ newsfeeds, you’re embarrassing yourself and the person whose status you’ve hijacked.

4. Status updates from people I despise, but am socially obligated to stay Friends with. This may also apply to those I am Friends with to preserve my own sanity and avoid more DRAMA. I’ve amassed quite a collection of these since graduation, and oh, what a wealth of irritation I can mine from their status updates alone.

We’ve got our fashion design major, with regular uploads of “high-fashion” photos of her and her design major friends sporting ill-fitting clothes and awkward facial expressions. I was recently treated to a couple of her rather obnoxious updates. Yesterday morning, she posted this: “Tried on swim suits today…it is time to work out. Now.” Then, not more than 24 hours later, this: “No incorrectly scaled patterns, my waist is not 33 inches wide…try 9 inches less…” According to my calculations, that’s a 24-inch waist. Gooch says I’m allowed to sock her one if I ever see her again. You’re all witnesses.

This last one’s personal beef for me, but I have to get it out there. I have a Friend (formerly best) who unFriended me last summer, for reasons we don’t need to get into. She recently reFriended me with a long apology I accepted. I do not like her, nor do I like her ex-fiancé. When they weren’t fighting, they were sickeningly affectionate with seemingly no regard for who was in the room. I’m talking baby talk, PDA, the whole nine yards. That’s why her status today was particularly vexing: “IF THESE PEOPLE DON’T STOP BEING SO AFFECTIONATE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME I’M GOING TO VOMIT INTO MY COFFEE.” She’s taken to typing in all caps recently. I suppose she’s forgotten about the hours of vomit-inducing PDA my boyfriend and I were subjected to. I now have to refrain from replying sarcastically, unless I want to get into a Facebook status argument, and we all know how I feel about those. The irony is quite delicious, though.

5. Anyone who says, “And that’s why I don’t have Facebook.”

Image of attention whore via Natalie Dee.