So Dancing Queen and I were Gchatting Saturday night, which inadvertently turned into a not-quite-liveblog of the Victor Ortiz vs. Andre Berto boxing match on HBO. Neither of us are boxing experts and we don’t know if our little Crass experiment will work or not, but we hope you enjoy it.
A little background about this fight (which DQ did not have prior to tuning in): This was a fight between Andre Berto and “Vicious” Victor Ortiz from the MGM Grand Theater at Foxwoods. Berto, the Welterweight World Champion and undefeated star, was a 2004 Haitian Olympian who skipped a career-boosting fight with Sugar Shane Mosley when the earthquake happened in Haiti, was the odds on favorite. Up-and-comer Ortiz, promoted by Oscar de la Hoya, was looking to make his mark on the scene in a new weight class. His personal story (link is included at the end – muahahaha) makes him quite compelling.
By most accounts, this has been the fight of the year, and DQ and Bots have to agree. DQ only wishes that this fight had been in Vegas and that she were there, too, so she could see the ladies’ cray-cray outfits. Two words: plastic catsuits.
**DQ apologizes in advance for her sailor language. She currently has soap in her mouth.**
9:54 DING! DING! Here we go:
9:57 PM HBO shows the undercard: Amir Khan vs. Johnny McCloskey in Manchester, England. McCloskey happens to be Irish.
Bots: oh my, they’re showing a fight from the uk first. and the irish boxer fights EXACTLY like the Notre Dame mascot.
DQ: what’s his name
Bots: well i’m watching boxing on hbo.
DQ: i was wondering
Bots: McCloskey. he’s fighting Amir Khan who is the heavy favorite.
Bots: so when is this royal wedding i’m supposed to liveblog?
DQ: april 29th!
Bots: oh ok. i thought maybe it was today and i missed it.
DQ: no such luck there, buddy
Bots: no i want to liveblog it. i feel like i could add a lot to the experience.
Bots: this is hilarious. they should put a green leprechaun hat on him.
DQ: uh yeah. i would say so. [at McCloskey] throw a punch man!
10:00 PM – DQ notices McCloskey is clad in extremely shiny boxing shorts
DQ: doesn’t it do something to your credibility to have sequins on your shorts?
Bots: haha. they are silly.
DQ: hey! maybe you and i should liveblog this!
Bots: he looks like a disco ball.
DQ: get a girl’s perspective on a man thing
Bots: gooch and i talked about it but we may do the pacquiao – mosley fight.
DQ: [regarding disco ball pants] dude is getting his ass beat
Bots: the leprechaun isn’t nearly fast enough to fight khan.
DQ: kahn seems to have a longer reach
Bots: he does. by an inch and a half. he’s also like 7 years younger. and his trainer is freddie roach.
DQ: i dunno what significance that has
Bots: oh. freddie roach is pacquiao’s trianer. he’s the best in the biz.
10:05 PM – Someone in the crowd is blowing what we think is a vuvuzela.
DQ: take away that fucking horn!
Bots: is that a vuvuzela?
DQ: it’s higher pitched
Bots: boxing is so fucking livebloggable. it’s such a crazy scene of a sport.
DQ: i think you just made up a word. it would be more fun if we could see the crazy outfits the women are wearing
Bots: oh i’m sure.
10:17 – Somehow the conversation turns to places we’d like to visit.
Bots: i love the geography out west. i really love the west actually. i should be home on the range, riding horses, getting into gunfights with banditos.
DQ: haha. that’s what we do
Bots: not fucking going to the stripmall to buy socks at target. uh oh. the irishman is taking punches.
DQ: yikes!
10:20 The fight doctor calls the fight after a small cut opens up on McCloskey’s forehead.
Bots: wtf. doctor’s decision or something? BOOOOOO! Do not like. the cut was from an accidental headbutt. crowd is NOT happy! Oscar De La Hoya sighting.
DQ briefly switched to SATC 2 because she likes to punish herself. She soon decided that watching men beating the hell out of each other was a major improvement over SATC 2 so she switched back to boxing.
DQ: they stopped the fight?
Bots: yep. the irishman is mad because “people paid their hard earned money for the pay per view.” hilarious. no american fighter would EVER give a shit about the fans! hahaha
DQ: i heard that
Bots: those horns. ugh. make it stop!
DQ: i’d choke that fucker
Bots: i’d shove that horn up his ass! /no homophob hahaha
DQ: haha
Bots: Larry Merchant insults the fight doctor. he is totally senile. boxing is the crazy cousin of the sports world.
10:33 – The main event (Ortiz vs. Berto) begins and Ortiz comes out wearing a giant gold and white sobrero and a bizarre silver tunic-like garment with the American flag, Mexican flag and a giant Kansas Jayhawks logo on the chest.
Bots: oh lord. what is Ortiz wearing?
DQ: um, i have no words for that
Bots: hilarious.
they were talking about his story earlier. apparently he and his brother were abandoned in a small kansas town as kids and they like lived in a barn or something for a while. crazy.
DQ: wow. terrible. did he go to KU? i saw that on his get-up
Bots: i highly doubt it. not a lot of college students in boxing! i love boxing but it just chews you up. it’s brutal if you peek behind the curtain.
10:36 – The ring announcer is a blue-eyed, white guy with ponytailed dreadlocks, an extremely well-groomed goatee and ring announcer voice.
DQ: theeeeeee fuck?
Bots: YES! I want this guy at my next party!
DQ: i don’t like how he is holding the mic. he is confusing to me
Bots: His suit is fantastic too. boxing is insane.
DQ: 12 rounds is just ridiculous. TOO MANY!
Bots: who is the guy with the mohawk behind ortiz? this is crazy.
DQ: he is confusing me too
Bots: and they’re all wearing those reflective suits like ortiz.
DQ: please don your tin foil suits!
Bots: this announcer kind of sucks. despite the awesome hair.
DQ: you think so?
Bots: i want to like him but he’s no michael buffer.
DQ: why did he just say ortiz, twice
Bots: don’t ask why. just go with it!
DQ: i was just wondering if there was a reason! yeah, that guy berto is fucking diesel
Bots: he’s really, really quick.
DQ: he did the double name thing again!
Bots: this announcer! what the what?????
DQ: the HBO commentator is talking to himself
Bots: i know. we should be liveblogging this!
DQ: WOW look at berto’s lats!
Ortiz surprised everyone by pummeling Berto right away in the first round.
DQ: the fuck!
Bots: berto is wasted tired.
DQ: berto is beat
Bots: we should be commentators
DQ: he got rocked!
Bots: berto is just blatantly missing on his punches. not even close to landing them.
DQ: wow. ortiz is kicking his ass
Bots: berto’s confidence seems gone
DQ: he doesn’t know what is happening. he is not well prepared for this fight
Bots: well he just knocked down ortiz! this is amazing!
DQ: i know! i rewound
Bots: i want this fight to keep going. no KO’s yet!
DQ: the slow mo is nutso. Ortiz’s right is a hammer
Bots: these guys are just slugging away at each other.
DQ: he can duck like a …duck
Bots: berto? yeah he’s fast.
DQ: [at Berto] get off the ropes! ortiz is crazed
Bots: ortiz is taunting him a bit. hi def is the ONLY way to watch this shit!
DQ: or on an old giant 32 inch TV! i should be a coach. the commentator just told him to get off the ropes which i just said
Bots: berto’s corner seemed like a disaster. jeez. while ortiz is relaxed.
DQ: his corner is as shaken as berto
Bots: what a cute usher over there on the left.
DQ: oh hello. haha “not 50 cent”
Bots: Fitty and Floyd Mayweather in the house.
DQ: chelsea handler is going to get blasted tonight
Bots: chelsea handler? why? is she there?
DQ: she’s with 50
Bots: why am i even surprised? it’s boxing. crazy stuff like that always happens.
DQ: i keep thinking antoine dodson is there
11:07 – In the seventh round Berto makes a huge comeback and knocks Ortiz down.
Bots: well shit. berto has his legs back.
DQ: [mixing metaphors] berto is swinging for the fences
Bots: holy shit.
DQ: dem some hay fucking hay makers. good night ortiz. this is the best fight i’ve ever seen
Later in the same round, Berto himself gets knocked down.
Bots: oh my! berto just flops backward. mind ASPLODE. i need another fucking bourbon.
DQ: pour one for me! [watching replay of massive blow to Bertos’ chin] GAWD! did you see that?
Bots: incredible. this is why i love boxing. it’s pure drama sometimes.
DQ: now i want berto to win even more
Bots: yup. go berto.
DQ: come on berto get those legs back
Bots: berto was wobbling like a drunken leprechaun there!
DQ: is that bill cosby! [it was not]
Bots: did you see the cos? I swear i saw the cos like four times. [still not] must be the coogi sweater.
DQ: jello pudding pops
Bots: if they show 50 cent but no cosby, cosby is going to slap someone.
DQ: oh i see your usher lady
Bots: haha. THERE SHE IS. She is pretty fetching in that bright red blazer!
DQ: i think she is wearing gloves too. Fancy!
Bots: she’s a star usher. also, the one photographer on the right looks like he will sell you some pig liquor out in the parking lot after the fight.
DQ: pig liquor?
Bots: moonshine
DQ: did you see the one on the right? he looks like the elephant man
Bots: that’s pig liquor guy.
DQ: perfect. ortiz keeps hitting berto in the back of the head
Bots: ortiz! what are you doing? stupid. should have lost a point this time!
DQ: okay. there are just too many rounds
Bots: no! they used to go like 15 rounds back in ali’s day.
DQ: [watching replay of berto getting pummeled] gaaaaaawddamn
Bots: And it obviously had no ill effects…
DQ: true, true. those guys all ended up as rhodes scholars
Bots: i’m going to hell for that, aren’t i?
DQ: i’ll meet you there. berto is done. and then he’s back!
Bots: it’s amazing. he’s taking like huge combinations of punches, then counters right at ortiz’s face.
DQ: if berto is going to win, it will have to be by KO
Bots: berto getting up off the canvas looks like me after about 8 rum and cokes. reaching for things to hold on to. losing the batle against gravity.
DQ: like a baby giraffe with his legs locking backwards
Bots: like a baby honey badger after bingeing on snake venom.
Bots: ortiz’s uppercut is badass.
DQ: he throws a lot of hooks
Bots: listen to you, miss boxing analyst!
DQ: kickboxing class has taught me many things
Bots: oh shit. you’re kickin’ motherfuckers.
DQ: in dey head
11:27 PM – They go into the final round with Oritz clearly leading on points.
DQ: it’s like a fucking counseling session in berto’s corner. here we go
Bots: yeah. berto needs to punch big here.
DQ: what is this?
Bots: ortiz is stalling kinda.
DQ: ahhhh that’s what i thought
11:31 – The fight is over. Ortiz wins by decision.
Bots: wow. very entertaining. ortiz is kind of evil looking, no?
DQ: that gold belt is going to conflict with their tin foils suits
Bots: the announcer just said Maidana won a great fight, and then had to be corrected. Ahh, boxing.
DQ: ahhh head injuries
Bots: ahh premature alzheimer’s symptoms!
DQ: the ring chick is over acting a bit
Bots: whoa. leave the ring girl alone!
DQ: oh they thought of everything! gold hats to match the belt!
Bots: that sombrero is redonkulous.
DQ: what? no
Bots: sombreros are just innately silly.
DQ: they are great for dancing around
Bots: and for hiding things in while being worn…
DQ: and for carrying babies. ortiz sounds pretty good
Bots: yeah, he doesn’t sound nearly as evil as he looks. i kind of like ortiz actually.
DQ: the commentator sounds brain-injured
Bots: larry merchant. yeah, he’s really really old. i think he had a stroke but HBO wont fire him since he’s been around so long.
DQ: he’s like the diane rehm of boxing
Bots: here in atlanta the local npr affiliate has this old lady who sounds like an 80s stereotype of a rich white lady. and they will not EVER take her off the air because the old white people who donate money all love her. larry merchant is just painful to watch.
DQ: now i want to read Ortiz’s story
That’s all, folks!
Image courtesy of BoxingRepublic
