Hi gang and welcome. I think we all know that it has been a long week and it is time for a little relaxing. Let’s get to the party part of the week, shall we?
Yes, I know those videos had nothing to do with each other. Deal with it. Have a hard-rocking weekend, my friends.
Citizens, crasstalkers, cat ladies. It’s time for our weekly ramble through each others’ lives, made possible through the magic of the internets. In keeping with our boozy theme today, I want to see your alcohol. All of it. Do you have a single beer in the fridge? If that’s the case, shame on you. Bad, bad cat lady (those in recovery are, of course, forgiven). Do you have a fully stocked bar that would put most watering holes to shame? (Of course you do.) Do you keep a bottle of bourbon in a hollowed out book in your office? Show it to me. For those of you who are new, or live in open threads, here are the rules and here are your instructions (taken and modified from earlier PP posts):
Get to it, kids. And remember, drunk posting is always encouraged.
In return, we will be sympathetic tomorrow.
One way someone can really piss me off – and as you all know, there are many ways – is to talk shit about reality television. I never thought I would say that, but there, I said it. I’ve lost interest in guys for doing it, I’ve walked away from people at cocktail parties, and I’ve gotten in heated debates over the artistic merits of Jersey Shore. But you guys understand, you’re fans.
However, I think there is still a huge misconception that reality television is not “reality,” that it’s actually all scripted, that it’s cheap and tawdry, that it’s – here’s my favorite – FAKE.
Yes, a lot of the reality shows out there are trashy (and Two and a Half Men is…what, our generation’s Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood?) and filled with famewhores, and yes, there are a lot of trashy, sleazy reality producers out there. (Never mind the fact that reality television really encompasses far more than Jersey Shore and Real Housewives – it’s Dirty Jobs, it’s Mythbusters, it’s Modern Marvels. It’s non-scripted television.)
All the horror stereotypes about Hollywood? They’re all pretty much true. I watched Swimming with Sharks around 2003, when I first moved to LA, and thought, ‘Hell, that’s not that bad. I can handle that, I’ve got a self-loathing complex!’ When I watched the movie again last year after being laid off, I threw up because it was like watching the trauma I had lived through working for these crazy people played out on screen. The reality of the cool factor and the glitz and glam of working in the industry is a lot more gut-wrenching than when you’re just a casual observer.
So all the bullshit is true, but that goes for most people and things – people are just kinda trashy. (And we love it.) Warhol was right: In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes. Guess what: the future is now.
My dad always said there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. How many more sides emerge when you’ve got 3 cameras on you and your friend is mic’d across town so you can hear everything going on? A whole new story can be revealed, pieced together – created. Sometimes enlightening, sometimes mean-spirited…but that’s part and parcel of life itself.
As for reality show secrets, well, I don’t think I have any that you guys aren’t already in on.* But let me reiterate this point – it’s not fake, it’s just planned out (tomato, tomahto). It’s a version of reality. (And, that’s not to say that “unplanned” stuff doesn’t happen all the time, and make an even better show.) Think about your life even when it was its most exciting ever – be honest with yourself. The day to day was still pretty mundane, wasn’t it? And Yahweh doesn’t care about sweeps week, does He! So if you want your life to be a reality show, we’re going to have to do some creative sculpting. It’s still really happening to you, you’re still wheeling and dealing and breaking up and making up and getting 10 surgeries in one day. It’s still real. It just may not be the raw, unadulterated truth. It’s entertainment – and it’s real. It’s just one version of reality – a producer’s version, created to fill a demographic need.
Take Keeping Up with the Kardashians, for example. Great example of a show people generally believe to be “scripted”. And it’s true that most of that show is planned out ahead of time – that’s the thing though, you kind of have to do it. So here’s how it goes. Four weeks (or whatever the network has allotted for pre-production), before they start shooting, story producers sit down with the Kardashians for quite some time, and the Kardashians tell them everything going on right now. “Well Scott’s in recovery, so that’s great, we’re smoothing things over.” “Kim is turning 30, she’s definitely going to have a big 30th bash in Vegas.” “But Scott of course will NOT be going after what happened last year.” “Khloe and Lamar are gonna buy a house soon.” “Bruce and Kris have been bitching at each other a lot because Kris wishes she was 27.” Based on all the shit that’s actually going on, story producers craft the season, figuring out the long-term story arc as well as all the little story arcs within each episode. So ok, they say, Scott’s not drinking anymore and he was a dick to a waiter in Vegas last year and Kris doesn’t want him at the party this year. What if Scott flies out, realizes he can’t handle it, and flies back to New York that night? Everything that’s already happening is synthesized and put together in a way that makes sense and in a way that ups the drama factor so viewers are into it. And voila, you have 12 episodes. It’s a version of reality, but it’s still reality…because what is really real when there are at minimum three sides to every story?
But we all have our own versions of reality, don’t we? Every time we relay a story to someone, every time we talk about someone in our lives, every time we create a narrative – we’re creating our very own reality television show. (And thanks to Steve Jobs, we can all have our very own soundtracks, too. And thanks to Facebook, and Tumblr, and Twitter, and Youtube, we can all find our very own audience. Who’s your demographic?) We are each the suffering hero of our own one-man play, and your concept of your role in my life may not be the actual role you’re playing in my life.
So we’re all a bunch of little reality television shows running around in this great small world of ours – just because yours hasn’t been picked up for a cable run yet doesn’t mean it’s any more real than those that have.
*Oh, you wanted juicy stories? Hmmm, well, let’s see…yes, Curtis Stone is that good-looking in real life…I learned I’m actually about a 4 on the Kinsey Scale after the casting calls for one show I created…James Caan stuck his tongue down my throat after a meeting once (a meeting I was explicitly told I was only invited to so that James would have something good to look at)…Eddie Nash hung up on me after I managed to find his unlisted number…the coolest person I’ve ever met doing this was with Charles Spencer, Lady Diana’s brother (huge history buff)…any time there’s a shitty title of a show, BLAME THE NETWORK…Leonardo DiCaprio does a great DeNiro…Tucker Max called me a cunt after I asked him how the failed comedy pilot was doing at Comedy Central…and when I was 24 I was told that I would never work in this town again.
If you have the type of not too short hair that completely succumbs to gravity, you will have a cowlick somewhere on your head.** It’s a direct consequence of a mathematical theorem called the hairy ball theorem. Yes, it’s called that and it’s a bona fide mathematical theorem with a real but difficult proof that requires you to get a fancy-schmancy degree in math to really understand it.
But if we just want to feel like we understand it, we can certainly do that. It’s the Internet, after all.
Let’s comb through some informal ways of describing this theorem. One is
or closely related
A perhaps more useful, less frivolous description of the theorem is:
In other words, somewhere on Earth, at any given moment, there will be a cyclone (in the most general sense).*** I should note that, in certain ways, this is a supremely useless theorem because it doesn’t tell you where the hell the cyclone is. But it is 100% absolutely sure that there is one.
The reason that people built analogies with hair and wind is that the “hairs” on the ball correspond to what are called vector fields for systems that have stuff that moves like a fluid, like wind or piss streaming over someone’s hairy ball. The hair is mostly a visualization tool for particles that move continuously in a closed environment, like the surface of a sphere.
Imagine you could track some representative particles in a fluid. Say, particularly big balls of dust are floating around. Or fireflies are caught in a dust devil at night. And you snap a picture of this with not too short exposure. The balls of dust or the fireflies would come out as blurry streaks that move in thrall to the air. The blurry streaks would correspond approximately to vector fields. So a fairly accurate way of looking at vector fields is to understand it as a concise description of the motion of particles at every single point at a given moment in whatever system you are looking at.
And what do cowlicks and cyclones have to do with this? Basically, the CENTER of the cowlicks/cyclones are points where there is no motion. It’s the eye of the storm you always hear about where everything is calm. These are called the zeros of the vector fields. So if you were to drop something lightweight at the exact center of where the cyclone occurs, that thing you dropped wouldn’t move because there’s nothing moving around it.****
If you’re looking at a stream or a river, you see eddies, the watery analog of cyclones, all the time. But would you still see these if the water were flowing in a completely smooth, straight, artificial indoor stream? Probably not. But now let’s say there’s a sphere and there’s water coursing over the surface. And imagine that it’s completely self-contained. No water drips from it and no water drops on to it. The kicker in this hypothetical situation is this: there will be at least one eddy (i.e. a “cyclone” in our previous parlance or a “zero” in our more technical one) no matter how smooth we make the surface of the sphere. The mathematics of the hairy ball theorem guarantees this.
If you’re curious how the hairy ball theorem is stated in technical terms, it goes like this:
**A technical caveat. This doesn’t apply if you’re wearing your hair slicked back or in a ponytail or in some way that makes it defy gravity. It’s mostly applicable if you’ve let your hair loose so that it looks like it’s cascading down your head.
***This ties in with something called the Poincare-Hopf theorem which is even more general than the hairy ball theorem. Because a cyclone is a “cowlick” (i.e. not just any zero, but a special type of zero called a sink of a vector field) with index one, there must be a second cyclone. This more general theorem predicts not one but two cyclones.
****Not in reality, of course. It’s a thought experiment, so bear with me.
Greetings, Crasstalkers! (Yes, that’s a thing now).
It’s been a crazy week, hasn’t it? The US government is shutting down (probably), Glenn Beck is leaving/being removed from a daily TV programming role, and this happened:
If anything, I think that proves that #Crasstalk is slowly winning the internet.
But, for as wonderful an occurrence as a Twitteraction with a Real Housefrau is, that alone isn’t enough to get you Comment Of the Week.
No. the Comment of the Week needs more class, more, I don’t know, oomph than that. More pop culture goodness, like this:
But, if you really want to take home the title, and all the adulation that goes with it, borrowing words from Tyra Banks and vaginal word play aren’t enough either.
To earn the mantle of Comment of the Week, you need depth, artistic influence, and maybe a little bit of sage advice:
I was always more of a Warhol fan myself, but that requires more self control, one supposes.
As always, thank you to everyone who sent in nominations. Please, please, keep them coming if you want to see brilliance highlighted. The address, as always: [email protected].
Also, under the announcements heading: Please sign up for the LivingSocial thing on the sidebar, as you can get some really great deals, and they are less creepily written than Groupon (I think). Also, keep the servers flowing by making your Amazon purchases through the link in the same side bar. Between the book sluts and the music whores around here, there should be a Crasstalk van by the end of the year.
While I’m pretty savvy when it comes to the Internet and computing, I was a late-comer to the smartphone market. In fact, my first smartphone, the DROID 2 Global
Before I begin the descent, here are a few Android apps I’ve downloaded in the first week of owning the Droid 2 Global. Of course, beyond the apps pre-installed on the phone, there are seemingly millions of apps available for the Android platform, so please include your favorites in the comments.
In addition to the Android Market already installed on the phone, you can purchase apps via Amazon’s Android App Store
***
Portland Transit: Okay, unless you live in the Portland Metro area, this app may not be of interest to you, but it is easily one of my favorites and one I use on a daily basis as a rider of public transit. The app pulls in the arrival data from TriMet’s site to show upcoming times, shows transit maps as well as allowing you to plan a trip and get the best route. You can save your favorite routes as well as favorite/most-used stop IDs for quick reference. Another great feature built into the app is the strobe function. Simply hit the “strobe” button and your phone flashes various colors, making it perfect for getting the bus driver’s attention at night or during foggy weather. Just don’t stare at it for too long.
Cost: $2.34
Fandango Movies: You’re out with friends having drinks. “Hey, let’s go see a movie!” This free app allows you to enter the zip code of where you are and find out which films are playing nearby, watch trailers, read reviews, and buy tickets. So, while you’re finishing up that last cocktail, the tickets are already purchased and now you just have to figure out if you want Gummi Bears or popcorn.
Cost: Free
Pandora Radio: I love this Internet radio station’s ability to take one of my favorite bands and match it to similar groups. For instance, typing in “The Afghan Whigs” lead to hearing “66,” followed by “Dig for Fire” by The Pixies, followed by “Goin Home” by Dinosaur Jr. Fuck yes! Having this app is a great alternative carrying around your iPod. Plus, you’re providing real-time feedback on which songs fit your station better than others.
Cost: Free (with ads)
Retro Camera: Oh yes, I had to download a “cool” photo app. I opted for Retro Camera since it comes with five vintage camera styles modeled after Polaroid, Lomo, and Holga techniques. Yes, the effects can be overdone if each and every photo taken and e-mailed/shared to a social network uses a vintage style, but it can be fun, if used sparingly, for capturing a moment or place in a different way. The app also allows you to designate another button to take a photo. For instance, the volume button is a good alternative to the in-app shutter. This is great for when you’re attempting to do a self-portrait.
Cost: Free (with ads) or $2.99 (ad-free version)
Wordsmith: I will kick your ass at Scrabble™. I’m the girl who, while on a first date, laid down a seven-letter word while playing my date on my first turn of the game. Needless to say, there wasn’t a second date. But I digress. Wordsmith isn’t Scrabble™, but it’s definitely in the same family. The game allows you to play against your friends who also have the app installed or against random people. Either way, it’s fun and will keep your brain thinking of different word options based on the letters available.
Cost: Free (with ads) or $2.49 (ad-free version)
Tip & Split Calculator: Recently, while out with a group of girlfriends for our bi-monthly dinner meet-up, we spent several minutes using the back of the bill to divvy up who owed what. It’s a headache and doing math after a couple of margaritas isn’t fun. This app allows you to enter the bill information, the tip percentage and how much each person owes. If you’re doing an even split with the bill, you can even change the number of diners to determine that amount. Any app that helps you do math while drunk is a good thing.
Cost: Free or $.99 for the Pro version
A new series detailing the struggles and triumphs of being an actor in NYC.
1.) Go to a restaurant. The end.
Here are some quick guidelines about what not to do when talking to actors:
1.) Don’t suggest they act on Broadway- This will show your ignorance immediately. Acting in NY is extremely competitive, and it’s very near impossible to make a living wage by acting alone. The people who do nothing but act are generally on Broadway or in commercials. (We’re talking about the myriad of anonymous actors here, not John Hamm) Asking your waiter an actor why they don’t just try for a Broadway play is akin to asking the mail clerk why they don’t they just try to be CEO? There is a long, painful process to getting on Broadway (unless you are in a famous theater family. See: Zoe Kazan)
2.) If a woman says she’s an actor, don’t correct her and say “Isn’t it actress?”* Look, I understand that the -ess ending signifies gender (lioness,hostess) but a female actor is an actor. A female writer is not a writress, a female doctor is not a doctress, and I see no reason why there should be a signifier that I am, in fact, a woman. My boobs do that for me. Plus it’s just rude in general to correct someone when they’re speaking. *This may only be true when dealing with me.
3.) Just because someone acts, does not mean they will preform for you this instant. Also known as “no, I’m not necessarily amazing at Charades.” Most of the actors I know take their craft very seriously. They have probably gone to school for it, and have read multiple theories on how to approach a role, and have spent countless hours trying to perfect their craft. Acting can be incredibly personal, and to ask “well act something for me” can sound like “tell me your deepest darkest secret, and then I’m going to judge you mercilessly”.” We are not monkeys, we don’t (and often can’t) perform on demand. Also, doing Shakespeare is in no way the same as trying to get someone to guess “As Wichita Falls, So Falls Wichita Falls” and to assume so makes you look stupid.
It should be noted here that I am, in fact, excellent at Charades and will challenge anyone here to a game and win. But I do not represent all actors.
4.) Don’t ask about that audition. According to Them (the internet or someone) actors face more rejection in 1 year than most people face in their lifetime. If you are friends with an actor, chances are they’ve told you about a big audition they have coming up. If you haven’t gotten a call from them saying “I got the part! I’m playing a zombie in Scary Movie 7!” they probably didn’t get it. Most of the time, actors will know within a few days whether they got the part. If it’s been 2 weeks and you just remembered they had that audition and you haven’t heard how it went, do. not. ask. They didn’t get it, and now you’re only forcing them to say, yet again, “No, I didn’t get it. I’m still stuck serving tuna tar tar to assholes. I hate my life.” This rule also applies to the internet. NEVER NEVER ask about auditions on Facebook. The theater community is small, and it’s probable that they may be friends with casting directors,writers, and directors and writing on their wall “I heard about your audition! I bet you get the part!” can be awkward. I’m looking at you grandma, cut it out.
5.) Don’t ask what “type” of acting they do. Actors act. We may have a specialized skill, such as musical theater, or Shakespeare, or Reconstruction Era comedies, but we all perform. And while acting on television or in film is in fact a completely different approach than stage, it’s not as if an actor who studied Shakespeare is going to turn down being on How I Met Your Mother. Do you know why? Because that’s where the money is. All of the money. And while there may be the rogue actor out there who would never sacrifice their art in exchange for grocery money, they are rare and should be shunned.
6.) Don’t ask “how did you learn all of those lines?” This one is really easy. Would you ask a physicist how they learned about math? No, because then you would be a doofus and no one here is a doofus. Learning lines is the most basic function of acting. There is so much more to acting than learning lines. I could write an entire book on it, and in fact many have. On Amazon (use the crasstalk link!) there are 1,477 paperback books discussing the techniques of acting. None of them will reference learning lines as the be all end all to perfecting your craft.
Okay Negative Norma, now I’m afraid to say anything at all. What can I talk about?
A list of what actors love to talk about:
And most importantly: Anything not involving acting. We are creatures passionate about many things, like basketball, or chocolate. Actors like to talk about acting only up to a certain point, and then it’s time to remember that hey, actors are people too (sort of) and have interests outside of their job.
So go forth! Tip your waiter 20%, and always remember it’s “break a leg!” not “good luck!”
After an interminable wait, America’s Best Dance Crew is finally back! I have been on the lookout for what seems like years (ok, months) but premiere night has finally come! As always, the invisible “Randy Jackson” was pulled out to do an introduction only to be put away in the American Idol drawer until the final episode where he will present the trophy and everyone can wonder “Who is that?” again.
In any case, some of the changes this season include focusing on a particular artist per week. This week was Lil Wayne and we’ve been promised Ke$ha (thankfully, that is the the first time I’m ever typing that), Katy Perry, and Justin Bieber among others. This year’s guest judge is Dominick Sandoval from Quest Crew (and So You Think You Can Dance), one of my personal favorites. Now, I’m not going to profess to be a dance expert or anything but I sure enjoy the hell out of this show as well as SYTYCD. And, I’ve been known to take a class or two myself, just enough to know that I suck but can appreciate how hard it is to do any of that stuff.
This episode focused on the first five crews: I aM Me (Houston, TX), Eclectic Gentlemen (North Hollywood, CA), Request Dance Crew (Auckland, New Zealand), Phunk Phenomenon (Boston, MA), and Street Kingdom (Los Angeles, CA).
First up was I aM Me crew, which stands for Inspire, Motivate and Energize. Watching the intro, I noticed one guy who looked familiar and holy crap, is that Phillip Chbeeb from SYTYCD season 5? Awesome! I always love it when I see familiar faces. This guy was amazing in his popping and he was able to stick it out for quite a bit on that show through many styles until the ill-fated Russian folk dancing experiment in week 5 where they just kinda whirled around a lot. But, Phillip is a much better dancer than that and this group did a really great performance to “Right Above It” to kick off the season. Sharp, inventive, and their strength was in their intricate hand movements. One of the highlights was a tutting section that felt very kaleidoscope-like. Dominick said that this was the way to open the season.
Next up was Phunk Phenomenon, a group whose style is self-described “organized chaos”. One of the defining points of this group is that there are three brothers who ended up losing their father before they were able to be on the show which as everyone knows in reality tv, this means that they might go home. Cute group. I thought they were sharp and danced their asses off. The song was “A Milli”.
On to the group from New Zealand, Request Crew. Nice to see that ABDC is opening itself up to the world. These girls are all of Polynesian background and have nicknamed their style “Polyswag” which was out in full force during the song “Knockout”. They were ok. They’ll probably stick around for a bit and I’m looking forward to seeing more although for some reason they made me nostalgic for Beat Freaks from season 3.
Now for some elegance from the sexy guys in bow ties, Eclectic Gentlemen from North Hollywood, CA dancing to “Fireman”. They also got on my watch list for ones who might go home since more crying was involved during the intro. During the critique, the first words that came out from D-trix were “Ya’ll making this waaaaaayyyy tooo hard” and I was like uh oh, that doesn’t sound promising. I also thought he was gonna call them out for dressing like Quest Crew during one of their final performances. It didn’t get any better with L’il Mama’s observation that they went from smooth to hard-hitting and that by being on the show they already knew what it is and that they should just “keep pressing forward and not let anyone stop them from being what they want to be”. Okay,…got it. Trying to say something without really saying anything, gotcha. JC Chasez did get into some choreo critique and said that they seemed stiff. Ok, I bet it’s them that go.
And finally Street Kingdom from LA. Now THIS was getting amazing. Raised on the inner streets of South Central and being from quite difficult backgrounds, this group has found fellowship in the church. Ceasare “Tight-Eyez” Willis is one of the original members of krumping which is an aggressive style of dance and was born out of trying to channel negative circumstances into positive expression. If you haven’t, definitely go and Netflix “Rize”, which Willis is in and was shot by David LaChapelle. It’s a very interesting look at the origins of krump and clowning – its predecessor – and what role it has played in its community. Some of the visuals are just stunning. So, of course they are my favorites and I am very curious to see how they do. I impress easily but I’m so impressed that they are on this show. They have more members than life itself anyways – 10 at last count. Obviously they are not in this for the prize money.
So in the end, of course Street Kingdom just aced through to the next week, followed by Phunk Phenomenon. I aM Me made it which brought it down to the girls and the Gentlemen. In the end, it was the Gentlemen that had to go home, as expected. Overall, it looks like an extremely promising season. There was no group that I could just say that I hated or just visibly sucked, so that was a relief. Who are your favorites? Anything stand out to you?
Kick-ass kids, large child wankers, stoner brothers, and lots of indie flotsam and jetsam. It’s enough to make you think going to the movies isn’t really teaching us anything. But that would be wrong. We learn so much from film. Like shooting an arrow, what Keanu thinks about when he’s un-Matrixed, and the curious case of Russell Brand — a riddle for the ages.
This week’s movies are teaching our body-doubles Kung-Fu. Whoa.
The reviews so far have been mostly kick-ass.
A teenage girl goes out into the world for the first time – and has to battle for her life. Director Joe Wright weaves elements of dark fairy tales into the adventure thriller Hanna, filmed on location in Europe and Morocco. Hanna (played by Academy Award nominee Saoirse Ronan of Atonement, also directed by Joe Wright) is 16 years old. She is bright, inquisitive, and a devoted daughter. Uniquely, she has the strength, the stamina, and the smarts of a soldier.
What you can expect: A high octane action thriller centered around a gifted teen. Saoirse Ronan is the newest up in comer in a long line of spectacular girl actors, the studious detail of their roles often belying their ages. Should be like one part X-men, another part Kill Bill. With each new film like this that puts not only the athleticism of girls on display, but also celebrates their smarts, it’s one step more in furthering the genre of child female actors in a long line of sweet and sassy, just like her predecessors Shirley Temple, Tatum O’Neil, Jodie Foster, Winona Ryder, Dakota Fanning, and Abigail Breslin. There is a kick-ass girl for every generation. We assume that it’s in direct conflict to the way girls are often portrayed elsewhere as dainty waifs who only care about dresses, tea parties, and puppies. I have a feeling if you put the latter two girls mentioned, combine them with Ronan, Chloe Moretz, and Dakota’s little sister, Elle, — Sucker Punch could have been a totally different movie.
What could annoy: Eric Bana. I’ve decided that Eric Bana is a poor man’s Christian Bale or James Caviezel. There is nothing remotely interesting about him in my opinion outside of the tall, dark, and handsome thing he has going on. Yes, yes, I understand that Munich is a great film, but still I just think Bana is a bit meh. And if you’re going to throw Munich up, I’ll counter with Troy. See? Yeah. He’s got to do something to step outside of the brooding guy box and turn the tide. Also, Cate Blanchett. The dopey red wig, and the frowny schoolmarm thing, it looks slightly reminiscent of her portrayal in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Crapwagon. She has the ability to become a villainous caricature if she’s not careful.
Apparently Arthur’s reviews need a little rehab too.
Russell Brand reinvents the role of loveable billionaire Arthur Bach, an irresponsible charmer who has always relied on two things to get by: his limitless fortune and the good sense of his lifelong nanny and best friend Hobson (Helen Mirren), to keep him out of trouble. Kind-hearted, fun-loving, and utterly without purpose, Arthur spends every day in the heedless pursuit of amusement. But when his unpredictable public image threatens the staid reputation of the family foundation, Bach Worldwide, he is given an ultimatum.
What you can expect: Well, sheesh. The inexplicable appeal and skyrocketing career nuggets of Russell Brand. He’s really like a disease is he not? A full on spreading bit of Syphilis ready to take your mind if you let him. It seems like just yesterday he was gyrating his belt buckle in all of our faces in that little movie about Veronica Mars dumping Jason Segel’s muppets. Now, yes, he’s fooking everywhere. Where will the American fascination end with the adoration of the British accent? There really is no other reason for his sudden rise and appearance on every media medium invented in the last hundred years. It simply cannot be his charm, or wacky hair stubble, or infantile spaghetti body, is it? Well, certainly movie studios — I’m guessing the same ones that allow Ashton Kutcher to keep making film talkies, are impressed just enough to put this ungainly cold sore into Dudley Moore’s shoes. Because obviously the iconic Dudley Moore can be replaced by this veritable zenith of modern comedy.
What could annoy: Read the above. And also Jennifer Garner who appears perpetually lost on film, and the bastardization of Helen Mirren’s rack in this travesty. Queen Mirren we wonder if you understood the script.
Natalie Portman’s body double is laughing at these reviews as are we.
Danny McBride and James Franco team up for an epic comedy adventure set in a fantastical world. As two princes on a daring mission to save their land, they must rescue the heir apparent’s fiancée before their kingdom is destroyed.
What you can expect: Oh, ho! This has just gotta be the anti-Black Swan, right? This is probably the “Oh, crap, can I get the Oscar before that movie is released” movie. Makes sense to me. This looks like Pineapple Express starring Danny McBride and James Franco dressed up as Cheech and Chong’s the Corsican Brothers. Sensational. James Franco can pull this off because he’s basically an acting basket case and anything he does will be launched into “Oh, that Franco.” land. And Danny McBride, most of us don’t get his comedy anyway, so why not? Natalie Portman, though. Uh, yeah, You so didn’t need this right at the time people are questioning your Oscar win. There’s nothing better than scandal AND THEN silly, weird, stoner movie with a basket case and some crass, middle-management funny guy wearing tights and making jokes while hiding in a bush. Priceless.
What could annoy: Everything, but mostly if you’re standing in the way during the critics stampede to say how absolutely crud-filled this movie is. Here’s a sample from The Hollywood Reporter: “Falls instead into a deep chasm of such comic lowness after less than five minutes that it’s unable to extricate itself. Things get so bad you half expect a cameo by Nicolas Cage.” Gunshot.
Well, unfortunately the reviews are pretty lost at sea.
“Soul Surfer” is the inspiring true story of teen surfer Bethany Hamilton, who lost her arm in a shark attack and courageously overcame all odds to become a champion again, through her sheer determination and unwavering faith. In the wake of this life-changing event that took her arm and nearly her life, Bethany’s feisty determination and steadfast beliefs spur her toward an adventurous comeback that gives her the grit to turn her loss into a gift for others.
What you can expect: Touching, get up and go movie about perseverance, overcoming the odds, and doing what most of us in this world can’t — surf without an arm after losing said arm to a shark. No, not in a small accident, but a frigging shark. That, right there, puts this into a whole new level of kick-ass girl movie, or it should. It looks however like it’s long on cool visuals and short on actual story. Bummer. It seems like a great story to tell too, albeit with religious undertones, and simplistic mush. The girl at the center of the story should be proud nonetheless of her accomplishments. There’s a rare sighting of Helen Hunt in this thing, which is like saying 1998 has happened again — but good for her, for putting on the old acting shoes and giving it another go. Dennis Quaid, well, I’ll never have anything bad to say about you, buddy. You were in Innerspace.
What could annoy: Too much cheese, and After School Special appeal. While Bethany Hamilton is portrayed ably by Annasophia Robb, that’s not enough to carry the movie.
Well, the reviews fit the crime.
Working the night shift as a toll collector on a lonely stretch of highway in Buffalo, New York, Henry (KEANU REEVES) is a man seemingly without ambition, dreams or purpose; a man sleepwalking his way through life. He gets his wakeup call early one morning when he becomes an unwitting participant in an ill-conceived bank heist. Rather than give up the names of the real culprits, Henry takes the fall and goes to jail. There, he meets the irrepressible Max (JAMES CAAN), a con man who’s grown far too comfortable with the familiarity and security of his ‘idyllic’ life behind bars.
The short and sweet: Redundant crime caper helmed by the typical Reeves stone-faced one note is not able to be saved by the likes of talented Vera Farmiga, and the once prolific, but now kind of leery and comic, James Caan.
Sam Davis (Michael Angarano) convinces his former best friend to spend a weekend with him to rekindle their friendship at an elegant beachside estate owned by a famous documentary filmmaker (Lee Pace). But it soon becomes clear that Sam is secretly infatuated with the filmmaker’s fiancée, Zoe (Uma Thurman), and that his true intention is to thwart their impending nuptials.
The short and sweet: Uma Thurman continues on her ride to becoming the Darryl Hanah of the double digit millennium in this romantic comedy trifle. Reminiscent of Isabella Rossellini
and Ted Danson’s Cousins in its ambition, but the delivery falls short and remains in the mediocre realm.
The critics would like Kim Cattrall to get dressed now.
In this irreverent comedy, awkward teenager Tobe (Dustin Ingram) sets off on a road trip to meet Monica Velour (Kim Cattrall), his favorite ’80s porn star, at a rare live appearance hundreds of miles away. Instead of the glamorous sexpot portrayed on film, he finds a 49-year-old single mom living in a trailer in rural Indiana, performing at seedy strip clubs to make ends meet.
The short and sweet: Uh, yeah. Coming of age film that mostly shows a bit of misdirection on the part of Kim Cattrall’s agent. Samantha needs to grow up and discover more to the world outside her, erm, lady charms.
Well, we love stories about orangutans and elephants and the critics agree.
“”Born to be Wild 3D” is an inspired story of love, dedication and the remarkable bond between humans and animals. This film documents orphaned orangutans and elephants and the extraordinary people who rescue and raise them-saving endangered species one life at a time. Stunningly captured in IMAX 3D, “Born to be Wild 3D” is a heartwarming adventure transporting moviegoers into the lush rainforests of Borneo with world-renowned primatologist Dr. Birute Galdikas, and across the rugged Kenyan savannah with celebrated elephant authority Dame Daphne Sheldrick, as they and their teams rescue, rehabilitate and return these incredible animals back to the wild.
The short and sweet: Saving orphaned orangutans and elephants! Well, that’s probably the recipe for tears, joy, laughter, and excitement. Narrated by Morgan Freeman and shot for IMAX 3D, so naturally it will have gravitas and epic imagery. We’re thinking this is a good one for the kids. And um, there’s a cute monkey baby in the opening scene of the trailer….so, yeah, so hooked already.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv2Af-H7ZnI
It’s really the pioneer stuff that gets the great reviews, right?
The year is 1845, the earliest days of the Oregon Trail, and a wagon train of three families has hired mountain man Stephen Meek to guide them over the Cascade Mountains. Claiming to know a shortcut, Meek leads the group on an unmarked path across the high plain desert, only to become lost in the dry rock and sage. Over the coming days, the emigrants face the scourges of hunger, thirst and their own lack of faith in one another’s instincts for survival.
The short and sweet: Remember everything we leaned about the harrowing experience of the Oregon Trail? Well, here it is set to life, and done really well by the talented Michelle Williams. Not for the feint of heart or the typical Adam Sandler connoisseur. This is a diet of steady hardship and near death experiences. The middle school version came complete with fries in the cafeteria. This doesn’t.
Happy Friday everyone. For today’s Flashback Friday I thought we would play off the Open Thread from last night and continue on with some hippy music. Here are a couple to get you started.
This one is an unorthodox choice, but since it was banned from TV by CBS during the Vietnam war I think it is worth sharing.
Here’s another great one.
All right you dangerous Obama radical types, show me what you got.