Daily Archives: March 8, 2011

18 posts

Organized Hacking Contest: Pwn2Own

Hacking is usually an ‘underground’ sport, something nerdy Eastern Europeans do in their mother’s basements. The only time a hacker would come together to meet another hacker would be on an IRC channel. Not so anymore, with conventions like Defcon, Blackhat, and CanSecWest.

CanSecWest has an interesting contest. A hacking contest. The targets are the most common browsers: IE, Firefox, Chrome, and Safari. A new feature this year is the addition of smartphone hacking: Apple iOS, Windows Phone 7, Google Android, and BlackBerry OS. In total there is $125,000 in cash prizes. Another cool aspect of the competition: if you hack the computer running the target browser, you get to keep the laptop.

Like any good contest, there are the favorites. Charlie Miller, a software analyst from Baltimore has won the contest 3 times before. In 2009 Miller took down Safari running on an Apple in 10 seconds! He scored $10,000 and a laptop for his troubles. “Nils” (The contest allows anonymous entries) – a German computer science student, won last year, cracking Firefox, Safari, and Chrome in less than 10 minutes. In 2009, Nils broke the encryption for IE 8 the day before it was released, netting a new Sony laptop and $5k. George Hotz, the 21 year old who broke the Playstation 3’s copy protection (not to mention being the first person to ever jailbreak the iPhone) will be competing this year.

The biggest challenge this year is Google’s Chrome browser. Chrome runs in a ‘sandbox’ mode in Windows (basically insulating bugs in Chrome from affecting the underlying Windows system.) Google has put up $20,000 if someone can break Chrome’s sandbox mode in the first day.

Contests like this just aren’t cool in the computer security world. They provide vendors with information on how to improve the security of their products. When someone hacks a browser/device they also share technical information on how they did it with the contest organizers, TippingPoint. Details on the hacks aren’t released to the public until the vendor has time to fix the bug.

Pwn2Own runs during the CanSecWest conference, being held in Vancouver CA between March 9-11 2011.

Crass Gossip: Tuesday’s Titillating Tidbits

A-do a-yuh appreciate alluson’s alliteration?

  • Brooklyn’s Mitch Davie, while at a Braves-Blue Jay spring training game, caught a flying bat one handed while in the stands. More importantly, Mitch appears not to have spilt his Red Stripe beer while doing so. Follow the link for epic crowd flinch face.
  • Charlie Sheen continues to be bat shit crazy (warning: Perez link). No more Charlie Sheen updates. I feel scummy.
  • I disagree!: Sean Parker, founder of Napster and former president of Facebook, portrayed by Justin Timberlake in The Social Network, says “a billion dollars isn’t cool.” Please allow me to be the first to volunteer for being uncool. Via Huff Po and full interview with Financial Times available here.
  • Teen Mom’s Leah Messer seems to be adjusted well being a mom, being on Teen Mom, having twins, having a child with disabilities, and y’know, being a teen. Although her non-stop weeping over her daughter on the show irks me, I give this young mother a lot of credit. Interview available at Radar.
  • Sharon Osbourne and the ladies of The Talk were on Piers Morgan Tonight and Piers kept trying to get them to talk about Charlie Sheen. The ladies refused, but since Piers Morgan is a jackass, he kept pushing the issue until Sharon commented “”I know how it feels to love someone like that, and the sadness, and the damage it does within a family.” That’s no exaggeration, and we know Sharon speaks from firsthand experience. Video available at Popeater
  • David Arquette, despite his car crash the other day, seems to be OK. If you’re a sadist, you can see pictures of David immediately after the crash, laying on the ground. There’s something about this I dislike immensely, but I’m struggling to articulate.  At his AA meeting, David reported received his 60 day sober-chip. Good for him. [Via Page Six]
  • Click here to see Gary Busey’s butt crack. You’re welcome!
  • This is the tame version. Click through link to see some nekkid.
  • Wocka Flocka Flame gets nekkid, with his gold chains covering his manly bits, for PETA’s “Ink, Not Mink” campaign (cause he’s covered in tats, get it?!). Waka says ““Understand where that fox fur came from before you spend $1,000…someone got their head beat in and electrocuted.” When is Lil Wayne posing? I wanna see Lil Wayne booty! I bet he’s got a great tattoo right on his..never mind. [Via Just Jared]
  • At left is Wocka’s (is that how we say it?) tame version. Click here to see him in all his gold chain dangly goodness.

 

 

 

 

 

  • Matt Bomer is so, so, so sexy. Neil Cafferty makes my heart go pitter patter. What does a girl have to do to get a celebrity lover around here? (Also, yes I’m aware he may be gay. Don’t ruin my fantasy.)
  • From across the pond, Prince William and Kate Middleton made a visit to Belfast in Northern Ireland, where Kate tossed a pancake. Seriously. [Via People]
  • Real Housewives of Orange County is back! I don’t watch this regularly, but I do appreciate the original brand of crazy, and will always catch a rerun here and there. The ladies did not disappoint last night, with Gretchen/Tamra awkwardness at some setup party and Gretchen/Alexis spatting in the limo. [Via Blogitinity]
  • Chuck Norris thinks we are geighing the children up too much and teaching them to be sluts-in-training. [via DListed]
  • Alan Simpson, former WI senator and co-hair of the Deficit Reduction Committee (seriously? there’s a committee?), renames Eminem and Snoop to Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog, respectively. Old people are so silly! Video here for a chuckle.
  • Today’s is International Women’s Day! Who is your female hero? Mine is my mom. Seriously. Other than her, probably FLOTUS. If she ever lowered herself to their level and engaged in an actual debate with Palin and Bachmann, I have a feeling she’d wipe the floor with both of them. Share your female heroes in the comments.

Programming Notes:

Are we okay with Perez links? I know generally people think of him as pretty scummy and I actually stopped visiting after the will.i.am situation, but he’s all about the love and light these days and his posts are noticeably less caustic.

Also: Thank you ALL for the encouraging and kind comments on my first gossip post. Seriously, you really made my day. I was very nervous about how it would be perceived and you guys were sweeter than pie. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For my fellow gossip-lovers: Right now, the following people have expressed interest in gossip roundups: EthologyNerd, GtCosita, bboston88, and ihatediamonds. If I forgot you, let me know in the comments. If anyone else wants be a gossip-whore too, chime in the comments. Originally, EthologyNerd and I were going to try some sort of collaborative effort, but if we have enough people, then perhaps we can each take a day. Here is my suggestion (pending editors okaying), and you guys let me know: Everyone picks day that works, that person starts the post by 12pm.  If I don’t see something started by then, I’ll start one. If I don’t start one within that time, someone else can pick it up. Submit to pending by 5:30-6pm at the latest. If someone can’t do their day, they say something in the Open Threads and someone else can pick it up. Thoughts? Editors, do we like this?

Palin: Africa Rumor a Lie

In an interview with the BBC out yesterday, the former half-term Governor of Alaska, failed Vice Presidential Candidate and mother of the most embarrassing Dancing With The Stars contestant ever, remarked that the rumor that she did not know Africa was a continent (and not a country) was a fabrication by “jerk” staffers.

Next, she’ll be suing Tina Fey for impersonating her during the infamous Katie Couric interview.

Sarah, wouldn’t it be simpler to just read a book once in a while?

Link: BBC.

Tuesday Drive Time Open Thread

Why hello there Crasstalk. Hope you are getting through it so far and are ready to relax for a bit. We had some wonderful posts go up today, so please look around and repost us to your social media thingies (hint, hint). It will make the Grand Inquisitor love you more than she already does (if that is possible).
Here’s some Strangers with Candy love to start off your evening.

Have a great night.

The Other “Mother’s Day”

Correction: Though the observations below were correct at the time of writing, they have now been rendered somewhat moot as Jezebel acknowledged International Women’s Day in an article posted at 12:35 P.M. My apologies.

In what must have surely been a lack of judgment borne of caffeine deficiency, I checked Jezebel for the first time in months this morning to see if they’d have a post about the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day, seeing as how they are supposedly a feminist blog. The sound of crickets was as palpable as it was predictable, though they did have some lovely posts about Lily Allen’s eating disorder and how sharing photos on Facebook affects your self-image.

But I’m not here to compare Western feminism to the late Roman Empire or lament its decadent decline into a trendy and degenerate blogosphere variety that is devoid of any sense of history or intellectual underpinnings and relies mainly on shallow sarcasm and a fixation on policing the most vapid aspects of our culture as an attempt to justify and intellectualize one’s interest in them. Because today is not about that. Today is about the achievements of women worldwide, and the serious struggles many of them still face.

To say it’s ironic that many in the United States have never heard of this holiday would be an understatement. For although the first official celebration of International Working Women’s Day took place in 1911 across several German-speaking nations, its origins lie in the National Women’s Day organized and celebrated by the Socialist Party of America in 1909. Rosalind Rosenberg, a history professor at Barnard College traces it back even earlier, to a protest held on March 8, 1908 by 15,000 female garment workers in New York City’s Lower East Side. It was in 1910, at an international women’s conference in Copenhagen, that the day acquired its international character.

As the holiday gained recognition and popularity across Eastern Europe, particularly in the newly established USSR, it quickly lost ground in the United States, first with the unpopularity of the Socialist Party’s opposition to US participation in World War I, and later when the Red Scare made the word “Socialism” into anathema. But even in the Soviet Union, where I grew up, the socialist character of “8 Marta” was never in the forefront – at least no more than it was in any of our other holidays. Rather, we mainly celebrated it as an all-around “Women’s Day” – Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day rolled into one. But we also remembered the unimaginable sacrifices and hardships our mothers and grandmothers had endured during World War II and their invaluable contributions to our victory.

"Day of Women's Uprising Against Kitchen Slavery"

International Women’s Day was not formally recognized in the United States until it was established by the UN in the 1970’s, and even since then, it has barely registered on the radar. However, on the eve of today’s centennial celebration, President Obama not only called on Americans to observe the day, but proclaimed the entire month of March to be Women’s History Month. On the same day, Secretary of State Clinton launched the “100 Women Initiative”, gathering 100 women from 92 countries for a three-week professional exchange program in the US.

It is as important today as on any other day to take note of the injustices that still keep one-half of the world’s population in a subordinate state. But in light of recent events in Wisconsin and Ohio, I think it is also particularly relevant to remember this holiday’s origins as International Working Women’s Day, and to stand against the obstacles that workers – especially female workers – face in their struggles for a more just and equal society.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go call my mom, and then my grandma.

Spirituality Corner: Embracing Solitude

“It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

I’ve lived with my boyfriend for the last seven years, but before that, I lived alone for several years. While I’ve grown to love the closeness of living with someone, I often find myself feeling relieved when I have some extended time for myself. There’s a breathing out that happens, and for a few days I just let my hair down (so to speak), let the dishes pile up in the sink and unwind whatever way I feel like doing. After that initial phase of embracing my inner escapist, I get back in gear with renewed enthusiasm.

The world isn’t set up to nurture people who enjoy solitude. This is a highly ironic truth given the fact that more people than ever before are living alone. Whether by choice or by circumstance, all they can do is make the best of their situation. I would like to suggest that embracing solitude is a tremendous spiritual tool. After all, we come in to this world alone, and we leave the same way; in between, we may as well grow accustomed to our intrinsically solitary natures.

There’s a delicate dance, though, between embracing solitude and becoming a lonely, isolated hermit. The key is to remain engaged with others (in person is preferable, but via telephone or internet is better than not at all) while enjoying the stillness and serenity of being alone. Of course, it’s much easier for a person who is in a relationship and lives with her partner to tout the joys of aloneness. I recognize that it’s harder to be isolated when it’s not your first choice. All I’m suggesting is to make the most of it, rather than being at the effect of its potential to induce moroseness.

If you’re alone and in a funk, try a little reverse psychology: think of the times you were amongst people and it made you absolutely miserable. Then think of the benefits of being by yourself. Make lists if you need to; the point is to engage in active appreciation of your solitude. Then, when you’re amongst a group of people, you can easily call upon the insights culled from being by yourself. This is always useful because, as Ram Dass famously said, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

Top image here.

Behave Yourself In an Animal Shelter

This is (hopefully) the first in a series of articles about animal welfare and animal care. More and more people, and it seems, a lot of Crasstalkers, are opting to rescue dogs or cats. This is fantastic. However, in every shelter I’ve worked in, I have seen some of the most ridiculous behavior ever…and not by the animals. Wanna adopt? Great. Here’s how to make sure you actually save a life instead of making a shelter worker’s miserable.

1) Come in with an open mind

Maybe you’re looking for a specific age/breed/color. A lot of shelters have online request forms you can fill out and be notified when an Afghan hound puppy is available for adoption (hint: you will be waiting a while in that case). Maybe you don’t know what you want, but then see a dog that is just adorable. Either way, keep in mind that the way an animal looks or behaves in its run or cage is in no way indicative of its behavior outside of it. Staff members often know these dogs and cats very well. They’ll try to help you find a good fit.

That said, be realistic about your lifestyle. If you want a dog that will sit on the couch while you comment on open threads all day and a volunteer tells you that young Meth Lab needs 2 hours of aerobic-level exercise a day, take them at their word. Otherwise you’re going to need a lot of Xanax. For you and the dog.

2) Do not complain about the adoption fees or the adoption process

Almost every shelter is either city-run or non-profit. No matter which type it is, the animals aren’t eating filet mignon and playing with solid gold Kongs. In one shelter I worked at, the adoption fees literally did not cover the cost of caring for the animal during its stay. If there isn’t a vet clinic on site, you may be asked to pay for the spay or neuter, typically at a reduced price.

I say this in the nicest way possible: Shut your mouth. You’d pay thousands of dollars at a pet store for a mentally and physically unsound dog. You’re paying two hundred dollars for a dog that’s likely been vetted and temperament tested. Plus, you’re giving a homeless dog a new start. That’s worth it.

And the adoption process? There’s probably a form to fill out. Less complex than a 1040EZ, but more complex than grabbing a kitten and leaving. There are a lot of reasons for this. Firstly, just like at your job, records are kept. Secondly, we want to make sure you’re not starting a dog-fighting ring. There may be an interview, or a home visit, or a vet check. Again, this may be annoying if little Jazzlyn wanted a kitten for Christmas and it’s Christmas Eve, but Jazzy will have that cat until she drops out of Bennington after that debacle with her professor. She can wait two days.

If you don’t have thirty cats, keep your pets’ vaccinations up-to-date, and have good intentions, you’ll be able to adopt. The procedures probably aren’t in place because of you, but we don’t know you. So humor us and be patient.

3) Ask questions, and don’t tolerate rudeness

Lots of shelter workers and volunteers are overworked, and the phrase “I hate people” is only heard more often in the back of a restaurant. They see things…terrible, terrible things. So they can sometimes be abrupt or rude. That is not a reason, however, to allow yourself to be bullied, condescended to, or rushed through an adoption process. A medium-sized dog’s life span is, on average, 10-12 years. A cat, 14-16 years. That’s a hell of a commitment. So if you have questions about temperament, habits, health, or anything else, don’t hesitate to ask.

Tell the staff what your deal-breakers are (scratching? Biting? Barking? Jumping the fence?). They may not always know an animal’s background, but then you can take into account just how many unknowns you’re comfortable with. Any issue that concerns you is an issue you should address before you find out the dog they said was “kinda housebroken” is actually not. The staff says the dog you’re looking at is destructive? Ask NOW what that means. If it means the dog is going to claw a 3′ x 2′ hole in your bathroom wall, decide how much spackle you’re willing to purchase.

If the person you’re working with is nasty, ask to talk to someone else. And if everyone is unhelpful, go to another shelter. If they don’t take the time to help you find the right match, another shelter will.

4) But do understand the staff does know quite a bit

“I’ve had dogs all my life.” “My cat didn’t have a urinary tract infection so of course I didn’t take it to the vet; it wasn’t using the litterbox because it was angry with me.” “Rubbing the dog’s face in its poop is the only way they’ll get housebroken.” Okay…no. Along with keeping an open mind about which animal you adopt, keep an open mind regarding any advice the staff has.

Some shelters are volunteer-only; volunteers may still be a valuable resource for information regarding animal behavior and medical care. If you like a dog that isn’t housebroken, but you have no idea how to house-train, they can tell you how to do it, and reputable shelters will still help you with questions and concerns even after the adoption.

Paid employees are trained to do this for a living, and while they make less than McDonald’s employees, they do know a whole lot more. If they suggest that adopting a three-month-old puppy is not a good idea because you are working eighty-hour weeks, listen. If you come in espousing corporal punishment for your dog (or cat-I have heard that one too), and you are completely adamant that there is absolutely no other way to teach an animal, you are not going home with one. Guaranteed.

5) Be honest

This last one is more of a moral issue, but lying results in the worst kind of experience for both staffers and potential adopters. If your dog hasn’t gotten a rabies vaccination in five years, tell us. We’ll find out when we call your vet. If you’re honest, and get them up-to-date, you’ll probably be able to adopt. If you have four cats but say you have two because you think you won’t be able to adopt another one, and then we find out you lied, you’re not getting that cat. If you’d been honest and your town allows five cats, you would have been able to adopt.

If your last five pets got hit by cars, or you gave them away, say so. I’m not going to lie (see? I’m so MORAL!): you probably won’t be able to adopt, but you also need to step back a bit and think about whether making a lifelong commitment to the health and welfare of a pet is something you’re able to do right now.

If you get caught in a big lie, and it’s been made clear that you won’t be able to adopt a pet, graciously see yourself out. Fervent begging will not help. Yelling obscenities or threatening anyone will result in the police showing up. For God’s sake, please don’t just head to the shelter down the street. Lots of shelters share their “Do Not Adopt” list with each other, so we’re on to you. Instead, go get a fish, and work your way up from there. When you are ready to accept the responsibility of pet ownership, be honest and explain how things are different. We really do want these guys to get adopted- even the nicest shelter isn’t a home.

Oh, and don’t come in drunk or high. We’ll mess with you and make fun of you the whole time.

Get to adopting!

 

The American Fan’s Guide to Picking a Soccer Team

When I first started following (or trying to follow) international football back in the 90s, there was no Fox Soccer Channel or Gol TV or ESPN Champions League coverage or Wayne Rooney highlights on Sportscenter. Those were the dark days, when identifying as an American soccer fan got you labeled a communist or a faggot…. or a communist faggot.

Those days are long gone now. You can wear your fancy Shaktar Donetsk shirt to spring break in some sunburned hick town like Myrtle Beach and (mostly) be left alone, if not downright embraced by your fellow like-minded football junkies. But that still leaves one glaring question:

Who the fuck do I root for?

We’re working off a few basic assumptions here:

1. You’re an American who wasn’t born/raised in some obviously inferior third-world soccer-mad country like Turkey or Colombia or the United Kingdom. So you don’t have a geographic reason to support, say, the local club from the third-largest city in Belarus.

2. You’re already at least willing to casually support your own country’s national team. Because, really people, don’t be a cunt. Support your own national team. I know Italy always has nifty bright blue Puma jerseys, but that team is a bunch of raging assholes. Your ancestors probably left their homeland for a perfectly good reason (earthquake, famine, terrible pop music, Nazis).

So now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s find you a team based on our fancy proprietary process of elimination!

Rule 1: No front-runners

Who this rules out:

Manchester United
Man United is basically the New York Yankees/Dallas Cowboys/Duke University of soccer. Their fans people who show up to home matches are usually described as “prawn sandwich eaters” by all other fans. Does that sound like a delicious sandwich that should be involved with sports in any way? FUCK AND NO. Lame yuppie-ish front-runner fans are the worst, and Man U already has a huge American fanbase full of these cunty assholes. Steer clear.

FC Barcelona
There’s a lot to love about Barcelona. They’re almost militantly devoted to playing an attacking style of soccer that emphasizes goal scoring and beautiful passing. They’re also the liberal, globalized and open-minded nemesis of Real Madrid. The only problem is that they’re too good. They’re stocked with too much talent and money and managers who wear $3,000 designer suits. They’re for people who like shiny things and they make winning look a little too easy.

Bayern Munich
They seem to be the one German club that spends money like the big Spanish, Italian and English teams, so they inevitably dominate. They currently have a great squad, but I dunno. Munich…. Germany…… hmmmm. I really enjoyed Inglorious Basterds and feel like this team might have some sort of “Natzy” connections, which brings us to…

Rule 2: No connections to 20th-century fascist dictators and/or war criminals

Who this rules out:

Real Madrid
Not only does Real have the whole front-runner problem in Spain, but becoming a Real fan means you to learn the entire post-war history of Spain. See, Spain’s approach to football is to basically live out the past 70 years of political and ideological conflict. It turns out Real Madrid was for many years the unofficial team of the Franco supporters. So unless you’re a fascist, this might not be too appealing.

Lazio
This Rome-based club was the favorite club of the fascist elite during the rule of Il Duce. European soccer is fucking crazy sometimes.

Just about any team from Eastern Europe or the  Balkans
I hate to generalize, but do you really want to try to figure out which team from Belgrade was connected to the genocidal paramilitary leaders and which one wasn’t? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Rule 3: The team’s owner should be at least somewhat non-creepy

Who this rules out:

Chelsea
This is perhaps one of the most unlikeable soccer teams of all time. It starts at the top with an owner straight out of Bond villain central casting.  Their best players, Didier Drogba and Frank Lampard, are more or less impossible to cheer for. Maybe you can swing being a Chelsea fan if you’re the kind of guy who drives around in your BMW M3 and cuts off old ladies. For the rest of us… pass!

AC Milan
Bunga bunga. Yep, that perverted old man you keep reading about in the tabloids… he’s the owner.

Rule 4: The team must not make you want to jump off a bridge every season

Who this rules out:

Newcastle United
Normally I like an underdog, but being a Newcastle fan is not something I’d wish on my worst enemy. First of all, they basically crush your will to live each and every season. They seem to have turned disappointment into an art form. Plus their fans are probably the most insane and provincial supporters in England. You and your nice straight, white teeth won’t ever fit in.

So who should I root for?

The beautiful thing about soccer is that even if you’re a mid-table team (that’s Limey-speak for “contender”), there’s always a lot to play for: The Champions League, the UEFA Europa League (which used to be called the UEFA Cup), domestic cups and the chance to send your arch-rival down to the second division next year with a late-season victory.

For our purposes today, let’s assume that while we love underdogs, we’re not going to bother cheering for the absolute dregs. (Sorry Swindon Town!) Let’s narrow down our potential teams to those clubs that have a legitimate shot at playing in the Champions League most seasons and can generally have a chance to pick up a win against the Barcelonas and Man Uniteds of the world.

Everton
Everton is the oldest club in England and they have lots of great history. They’re the second team of Liverpool, so they have lots of local fans and are known for having a very knowledgeable and passionate fan base. Plus they have an American goalkeeper (Tim Howard) , Australian midfielder (Tim Cahill) and the player with the greatest hairdo in the world right now. They’re a generally lovable  bunch of underdogs.

AS Roma
They score a metric shit-ton of goals. Their fans are known for turning their stadium into a giant, Burning Man-esque bonfire party. Their rival is Lazio, which has one of the most right-wing fanbases in Europe. Their team crest prominently features wolf nipples.

Manchester City
Are you a fan of the Mets? Or the White Sox? Or any Philadelphia team? Is your shoulder mostly made up of one giant, permanent chip? If so, this is the team for you! Man City is the perennial step-sister to the hot, popular sister that is Manchester United. Poor Man City, all they really have going for them is their reputation for getting most of their support from Manchester itself, unlike United’s globalized, corporate fanbase. Of course, even Man City is now owned by a group of fatcats from Abu Dhabi who are putting their money into buying up all sorts of talent. Get on board now before they turn into the next Chelsea!

Olympique Lyonnais
Lyon has been a mainstay of the Champions League for much of the last decade. They’re usually very fun to watch and have produced a lot of great players (especially African-born players from former French colonies) over the last few years. Plus Lyon is the home of French gastronomy. If you’re a coq au vin-loving foodie geek, this is the team for you.

Werder Bremen
Werder Bremen is always a team to watch out for in the Champions League. Even though they no longer have Miroslav Klose, they’re usually pretty tough to beat. And German fans are known for bringing a great atmosphere to the games. I love this description on the team’s Wikipedia page: “Werder Bremen is also known for its level-headed environment. In contrast to many other cities, where the local sides are often subject to intense media attention, players and trainers here are usually left in relative peace. Bremen’s reputation is that of a sensible, respected and financially healthy club.” So if you’re turned on by respectful disagreement and balancing your checkbook, this is the team for you!

Ajax
It’s pronounced “I-yax” not like the stuff you use to clean your toilet bowl. Also they’re from Amsterdam, so like…. WEED DUDE. YEAHHHHHH. Ajax is one of the most successful clubs in the sport’s history (though has struggled a bit in recent years) and has produced a metric fuck-ton of legendary players. Their fans do seem to have a Jew-fetish that could possibly be much more creepy than it is endearing… I’ll let you decide! (Gawd Europeans get into some weird shit. I mean, really.)

Arsenal
A London-based team coached by a stern, brilliant Frenchman, and stocked with a mix of awesome French-African players and Euro prodigies. This team plays very exciting football that’s sometimes a bit too fucking cute for its own good. But they have a cool name and are the favorite team of Nick Hornby. They have legit shot at winning the Premiership in any given year and yet somehow manage not be complete fuckos like Man U and Chelsea.

Villarreal
I fucking love these guys even though the only Spanish words I know are “tacos al pastor.” They’re nicknamed “El Submarino Amarillo,” which even my stupid ass can figure out means “The Yellow Submarine,” which is just a fantastic sports nickname. WE WILL SINK YOUR BATTLESHIP, FUCKFACE. I love it. They come from the tiny city of Vila-Real and yet regularly compete with the much bigger Spanish clubs like Real and Barca. They always play a very attacking style, too. Bonus: They currently own the rights to American Jozy Altidore (though he’s out on loan to a Turkish team this season).

Olympique Marseille
Marseille is not your typical baguette-munching French pussy-ville. Marseille is a true shit-kicker town. It’s the Oakland or Philadelphia of France. It’s where they shot “The French Connection.” Marseille’s former team president is Bernard Tapie, a lovable rogue improbably described by Wikipedia as “a French businessman, politician and occasional actor, singer, and TV host.” Tapie was forced to resign after being indicted for tax evasion. When I was a student in France, he was appearing in rap videos as a mafia don. Anyway, OM has one of the most passionate local fanbases in the sport and Stade Velodrome is supposed to be one of the best places on Earth to watch a home match. Plus I love their club’s motto, which is sewn right into their jerseys: “Droit au but.” Straight to the goal.

Reel Previews: Rubber (2011)

I love movie trailers – come deconstruct them with me!

(Don’t cloud your judgement! Watch the trailer then read my rant.)

Rubber (April 01 2011* |Magnet Releasing)

*US Release date. Shown at the Cannes Film Festival in May of 2010.

(Advanced apologies for the sailor cussin’. It is necessary, as you’ll see in the trailer above/review below).

My first exposure to this movie was the poster. Very different from the orange and blue movie posters currently dominating the walls of cinemas these days. The thumbnail on the Apple trailers site was so small, I couldn’t see the tagline. I simply assumed that it was some sort of documentary on the millions of tires choking landfills and making our planet a sad and dirty place to live. For a split second prior to this I also thought of condoms (rubber, condoms, geddit?! Mind perpetually in the gutter, or just feeling horny these days? Hmm….*rubs chin*).

But assumptions make an ass out of the person doing the assuming, and I felt like an idiot thinking that this was some sort of environmental wake-up call to the materialistic masses. This is not a documentary.

Rubber Movie Poster
The poster has a grindhouse feel, doesn't it?

My first clue was at the very beginning of the trailer, when the fucking tire spins and gets up and starts rolling itself down the fucking road going on his merry way whatthefuckisthisfuckeryhisnameisRobert?!?!

So yeah, colour me confused. And really, really fascinated. Because he gets pulled over. By Babylon – *cough* I mean, the cops. The tire turns around and fucking blows the head of one of the cops to fucking smithereens ohmyholyshitiamdyingthisishilarious!

Just give me a sec while I catch my breath and wipe the tears from my eyes.

Okay! So this is a horror movie about a killer tire. If that isn’t the higher heights of brilliancy, I don’t know what is. And so, on the movie’s premise alone, I know that this is a must-see film. But does the rest of the trailer hold up to my heightened expectations? I mean, what are you supposed to expect from a movie about a murderous car part?

I suppose this could be a horror-comedy hybrid that the filmmakers, after puffing up some high grade hydro spliffs, though would be good for a laugh, not realizing that you’re not supposed to go through with any ideas you come up with when you’re high. Or it can a serious avant-garde film with deep themes and other bullshit that would just go over my head.

A brilliant idea then occurred to me and I tried a little thought experiment: re-watch the trailer again, but pretend that the tire is a person. How would I perceive the trailer then? Turns out, it was kinda hard to do. The film does look like a mixture of camp and artistic, though. The camp definitely comes from the tire itself, as well as the numerous jokes such as the briefing with the cops (“Is it black?” HAHAHA!) and the obligatory horror/suspense movie shower scene (around the 1:14 mark). But the cinematography and editing look like top notch indie film material.

I actually feel sorry for the damn tire when he forlornly stares at the fire at the 1:54 mark. Did he see the injustice of it all and then turn on mankind à la Falling Down? Is this a complex character study of a good tire gone bad? And just who the hell is this ‘visionary’ filmmaker Quentin Dupieux and his composers Mr. Oizo and Gaspard Augé? (Hint: one of these things is not like the others.) This is so confusing! Movies as ridiculous as this should look and sound shitty and have terrible, cringe-worth acting. And yet, it doesn’t seem to have any of these traits.

My final judgement is that it probably doesn’t matter; I will be seeing this (if I can) whatever the filmmaker’s intentions. Do you think the trailer sold you on the movie? Because it surely fucking did for me!

If you missed them, read the previous installments of Reel Previews here (The Mechanic) and here (Winnie-The-Pooh).

Late Bloomer / The Mantel

“Well, I’ve got him.  I’m just not sure what to do with him.”  Tom set his wineglass down on the patio table with a click and condensation splashed the hot glass surface, and the phone was slick in his hand.   The July sun blasted just two feet of tile along the length of the covered terrace, but it felt like an African veldt.  Loki, his fluffy Maine Coon tabby, lounged in deflated defeat in the shade of a potted clematis, opening one green eye from time to time in disapproval.

“Just have fun, boodles, you deserve it.” Thus spake Bill, ever the sage friend and wise counselor.  Too bad he was wrong 90% of the time.  Tom looked at the phone with annoyance, and the heat was only part of it.

“I am 35 years old and I have had enough fun.” he began.

As he often did, Bill interrupted.  “No, you haven’t.  You were all repressed in the ‘80s and ‘90s because you were trying to be Mr. Perfectpants for your wacky WASPy parents.  You became a serial monogamist.” This last dripped contempt, and he may as well have called Tom a serial killer.

“That’s what I want!  I’ve got all the casual stuff out of my system.  I’m not judging, I just want…”

“You want to be Samantha from Bewitched, is what you want, with your sweet New England-y house on Long Island Sound and your Wedgwood china and your well-maintained car and dinner parties and planting geraniums.  Except instead of Darrin you want a massive linebacker who talks dirty in bed and likes museums.”

Now this was truly annoying, because this was one of the 10% of times that Bill was right.

Taking a gulp of Pinot Grigio, Tom said. “Yes.  Something like that.  Is that so wrong?”

Bill chuckled.  “No, boodles.  But I think your cop with the – how did you say?  Sparkling eyes?  Anyway, he might or might not be the ticket.  Soooo… find out.  But don’t make it so damn serious.”

Pushing his very serious glasses up on his nose, Tom considered.  Slowly, he told Bill: “There’s some things that are… not right.  His clothes are dismal.  His apartment could be nice, but there’s dust bunnies in there that could eat me.  He smokes – not a lot, and he’s considerate, but still.”  Tom unbuttoned his linen shirt and fanned himself with Vanity Fair.  It helped a little.

He could almost see Bill’s eyebrow rise through the phone.  “Let’s recap that last date, k?  Quote: ‘He grabbed my hands and pinned me to the sofa and we made out like it was high school and he’s SO BIG and SO HOT and then he did that thing with his 5 o’clock shadow and my neck that drives me wild.’  Not a dust bunny to be seen.  As I recall, his shirt was off too, so you didn’t have to look at it.  Kohl’s, I bet, or some Big’nTall outlet, cast aside in the dust bunnies while you got your groove on.”

“I’m sorry I told you that.  In any case, it’s a long way from there to geraniums by the sea.”

“I want to meet him.”  Bill announced.

“No way.  You’ll scare him off.”

“He’s been shot at and had large buildings almost fall on him; he can handle me.”

“I think he’d prefer being shot at.  I know I would.”  Grabbing his wineglass, Tom slid inside to the cool air conditioning, padded to the kitchen and poured a refill.  “I can deal with this. I think.”

“Well, you should just enjoy the moment more, is all I’m saying.” Bill was back in sagacious oracle mode again, and it occurred to Tom that his description of the man in question must have piqued some curiosity.  He ducked outside again through the terrace door and parked himself in the yellow Adirondack chair he called The Throne.

A noise from the street below drew his attention, and he stood, leaning over the windowboxes bursting with begonias and mini roses.  It was a failing muffler, and it belonged to a crumbling white Jetta, which belonged to a very large man.  He got out and stretched, displaying wide shoulders straining an NYPD t-shirt which was damp in a few places, then ran a hand through his black velvety crewcut.  Sweat glinted from his brow and forearms.  He was magnificent.  Baggy shorts did little to hide tree-trunk legs and while his midsection wasn’t cut or anything, he was undeniably in great shape.

“Bill?  I think I have to go.” Tom said.

“Later, dollface.”

Shading his eyes against the sun, Tom watched as the big man opened the rear door of the Jetta and carefully pulled out a clay pot with bright pink and white flowers held above glossy green rounded leaves.  When he stood up, he seemed to feel Tom’s eyes on him and grinned.

Geraniums, Tom thought as he waved.  His name is Mike, and he brought me geraniums.

…..

Carefully, the old man took the device from a drawer in the gleaming kitchen and headed for the living room.  The Kid had given it to him for Christmas, and it had proven most handy.  He imagined that The Kid would be all frantic at seeing him up and about with no one else in the room and there would be a lecture about broken hips and pigheadedness.  That was all right.  He had little use for sleep these days.

The french doors to the patio were open and carried the scent of roses, fresh cut grass and geraniums into the room, with a little hint of the ocean.  The warmth was soothing to the old man’s bones and he smiled crookedly as he shuffled over to the mantel.

The first picture on the left was of him and The One.  The old man found it easier to think of him that way, rather than be bothered with names that jumbled themselves up in his head.  They were in a nightclub in the photo, and his arm was looped around The One’s shoulder as colored lights played over both of them.  He turned on the gizmo, which whirred and removed any dust from the braided silver frame.  There had been a kiss that night, and it had tasted of green apples from the drinks they had.

The next picture was in a heavy antique frame that required polishing, which the old man’s arthritic fingers couldn’t manage anymore.  But the gizmo whirred again and the glass sparkled over him and The One in tuxedos on the steps of The Cathedral Of The Incarnation in Garden City.  That had been quite a day.

The third picture was in an enamel frame that said Steven’s First Christmas, and showed the old man, then younger, grinning tightly at the camera over the shoulder of The Kid, a sullen teenager.  The One was giving both of them what was called at that time the side-eye.  It was, in hindsight, a hilarious shot, and the old man grinned toothlessly as the gadget polished it up.

A sleek, modern silver frame was next.  There was The Kid in graduation robes standing next to a young lady with glossy waves of black hair and an insouciant grin.  Julia.  Her name came to him unbidden.  The Kid was grinning too, all the way to his eyes, and his cap was tilted at a jaunty angle.  After a short hum, the silver gleamed around them.

The last picture was in a frame of popsicle sticks with a scallop shell glued to each corner.  It showed the old man and The One sitting on a beach on either side of a girl of about five, all with their backs to the camera.  An unexpected wave had come in and they were each reacting with varying degrees of surprise, and the girl’s shiny black hair was tumbling out of its ponytail.

A hum removed any dust, and this completed the old man’s task.

“Whatcha doin’?” said The One, padding down the stairs.  “You really should be more careful.”

The old man smiled.  In fact, this little chore was kind of exhausting and he headed for the sofa.

“Minding my business.” he said to The One, in a tone that suggested that he do the same.  He placed The Kid’s gadget on the glass-topped end table carefully, then sat.

The One plopped down on the sofa next to him, and both men regarded the garden outside.  Slowly, the old man turned to The One.  There was more than a trace of a square, stubborn jaw and his eyes were alight with mischief and humor.

“Mike,” said Tom, more clearly than he’d spoken in months,  “Can you get me a scissor?  I want to bring some geraniums in.”

“It’s  gonna cost you a kiss.”

“I may be ninety-whatever, but I remember how to do that.”