http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxoxRevetsU
Take a Madonna concert, a Bowie concert, a Prince concert and even possibly a Britney Spears concert (circa 2001), mash ’em all up, and whaddya got? The Monsters Ball concert, shown Saturday night on HBO.
tv
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Happy Saturday gang. Since the weekend is here it is time for our cartoon fix. Her’s some great stuff to sit and watch on the couch when you should be cleaning the house or mowing the lawn. Don’t worry, your chores will still be there tomorrow.
Hi Crasstalk, it’s that time again. Time for us to compare notes and answer our question of the day.
An asshole isn’t a villain. He isn’t the CEO of an evil conglomerate secretly trying to take over the world. He’s the friend you have to apologize for after the party, but you continue to invite anyways. Here’s a list of the Top 10 TV Assholes; what makes them jerkfaces, dickwads, and tools; and the redeemable qualities that earn them a little place in our hearts. Continue reading
Welcome, everyone, to the increasingly dysfunctional world of “16 and Pregnant.” I don’t recommend you watch the actual show if you have high blood pressure or a soul. Thankfully, I have neither and I’m here to tell you what happened and ask the pertinent hypothetical questions.
This week, we had Jennifer Del Rio, of Tampa, who is a 16-year-old sophomore in high school. She’s expecting twins. I think that’s super. I think having not one, but two, babies before you’re old enough to buy alcohol to drink in the closet while the kids cry it out is a neat idea.
By DahlELama and The_Obvious
Everyone remembers their first time—the fear, the anticipation, the excitement, the feeling of having no idea what you were doing but praying it wouldn’t matter. How many of us prayed for guidance in those dark and confusing times?
Well, your prayers have been answered, in the form of Sandra Rinomato, host of HGTV’s Property Virgins. If you haven’t seen the show—and shame on you if that’s the case—the gist is that Sandra takes prospective first-time home buyers on a search for their very first abode, talking them—and us—through all of the drama that comes with it. If you have, you know that Sandra’s advice and experience are invaluable. Fortunately for us, she’s graciously agreed to let us interview her and share some of that expertise with us!
What are some signs to you that a Property Virgin’s going to be great (or terrible) to work with?
When they give me a wish list that $1,000,000 wouldn’t even buy, and then once I explain that to them they giggle and say, “but you can do it Sandra!” Thanks for the vote of confidence but I can’t perform magic. People like that have a bigger learning curve than others. I actually like working with them, because I can really dig in and feel like I am helping them make some big decisions that will get them closer to their dream of home ownership. Without some tough love they won’t get anywhere and will eventually just give up on their dream.
We’ve noticed that people go crazy for double sinks in the master bath and stainless-steel appliances in the kitchen. Why are these features so desirable, especially when the latter has such a tendency to attract smudge marks?
A lot of these people are moving in together for the first time and just can’t imagine having to share one sink in the morning while they get ready for work. I mean, how can you live like that?! Ha ha. It always makes me think of post war homes that housed families of 6 or more, with one bathroom, 3 bedrooms and a tiny living room. They managed quite nicely, but our expectations are higher now. For some reason we feel that we need 1,000 feet per person, and at least one bath per. Oh, and don’t forget 1.5 cars each as well. Ok ok, I may be going off track here, but the reality is that we are very wasteful, very spoiled and want what we want, and we want it now. Luckily, builders have been able to turn this dream into reality with suburban sprawl. For the location focused person the double vanity won’t be as big an issue if they are looking at an area in the city or with older homes.
The love affair with stainless steel began maybe 20 years ago with the introduction of commercial type appliances. The very high end homes had the stainless gas ranges with 6 burners and a grill, the commercial hood fan, the big stainless frige. As with every trend, the more common it became the less expensive it became. And vice versa, the more affordable, the more common. I am not big on the stainless and I prefer other stone products to granite, but the general public is still attached to them. Some of my fans have a drinking game and every time someone says granite, hardwood or stainless steel they take a drink. Those are buzz words that some people equate with success. As for the finger prints, most of the new appliances are treated so the prints don’t show like they did on the original stuff.
Obviously Toronto’s the place to be in Canada, but what’s your favorite American city to do shows in and why?
Actually, Canada has some amazing places to live, from coast to coast and I really wish we could do a cross-Canada tour on PV. In the US I went to some really nice places. I had the most amazing time in San Diego because of the sunshine, the landscape, the plants that always seem to be in bloom, the ocean and the laid back way of life. I saw people in business wear park their car, don a wetsuit and go surfing at their lunch break. That was amazing to me. It’s just 2 hours south of LA but it may as well be on another planet. People were even nice on the roads! Driving was a pleasure there. Maybe I it stands out because it is so different from my native Toronto. Toronto is the 4th largest city in US/Canada. Philly, Boston, DC were cool too, but very similar to Toronto in many ways with regards to attitude. That’s not a bad thing, but I like San Diego because of the west coast vibe. That’s why I love Vancouver too. Talk about gorgeous!
We’ve seen Property Virgins get sold on everything from granite counter tops to fenced-in yards, but what are some of your favorite home features?
I like a nice walk out to the yard, with either a gorgeous stone patio or deck. I love to entertain at home so this is really a selling feature for me. I also love to think that the people I sell homes to will enjoy the home, and will love bringing family and friendsinto their space. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!
I am big on using local stone in gardens. I love the look, either really modern square lines or a nice traditional look with the moss growing between the stones. It cuts down on the watering too, so that is good for the environment. With a little planning the look you achieve is so “finished.” Great landscaping can really make a house stand out, and add some landscape lighting and you get a real WOW factor.
How do you go about choosing which house visits will be featured on-air, and how many houses do you actually typically go to with each couple?
We go out and preview homes based on the client’s wish list and try to find homes that represent “as good as it gets” for them. It can be very difficult because we have to deal with what is on the market at that time, and we need to get permission to shoot in peoples’ homes. Sometimes we shoot in homes that are not our first choice, but that too is an important part of the process. You have see what you don’t like before you realize what you really love.
One of the reasons that Property Virgins is so great is that it really teaches potential homebuyers that finding a house you like is only one battle in what is often a larger war. What are some of the biggest red flags Virgins should look out for during the negotiation and inspection stages to ensure that they’re not purchasing a gigantic moneypit?
When negotiating don’t let a seller hold you hostage. Know what you are prepared to pay before you start the process. Knowledge is power. Study the comparables and hold your ground. It’s important to be rational though. There is no use low balling without the proper comps to back you up.
We did a great episode where they loved the first house which is not unusual, but I like to show them some others just to be sure. They offered on it right away and the negotiations did not go well. The Seller was being irrational and wanted my clients to overpay for the house. I convinced the buyers to walk away and to see more homes. It was really tough for them to walk away from their ideal home. We searched and searched, but of course each home was compared to this idyllic one. We finally found one that they were going to offer on, and the listing agent from their dream home called to say that the seller was prepared to negotiate now. So off we went and got a fair deal for everyone. It doesn’t always work out that way but I really hate to see people get taken advantage of so I pushed them to see more homes. What we accomplished was it gave the Seller time to realize he had a qualified buyer and he needed to treat them with the respect they deserved. It also made the buyers realize just how much they really loved the very first house they saw, so we were satisfied that they should buy it.
What I love is when the home inspector gives a binder full of info on the home itself and home maintenance. The information in there can save you major bucks—like redirecting your downspout to avoid water in the basement. It’s inexpensive and can save you thousands.
On the summary page you may find a statement, “this home is average for the area and for its age.” If you get one that is below average you should think twice.
Don’t be afraid to ask your home inspector questions. He works for you and you need to understand the magnitude of the problems he identifies. Get contractors in to see what their quotes are to fix major issues before you sign off.
There’s ample opportunity for bad puns to be made with the show’s title being Property Virgins. What’s the best–or worst–you’ve ever heard?
I remember when the show first aired there were online chats about how disgusting the title was. Hey, the word Virgin is in the bible and I’m catholic and we pray to Virgin Mary, so I don’t see what the heck the issue is. It simply means, the first time for something. I think those people were just letting off steam or something. Anyway, I hear the opposite being cited as a new show, Property Whores. I guess that would be for a different network ; – ) At any rate, Property Virgins is a catchy title and perhaps enticed a few “virgin viewers” to tune in for the first time and hopefully again and again. And there you have it, great marketing at work.
And finally, what are your thoughts on Poutine?
Listen, poutine is a Quebec thing and it is something to be revered. I recently tried a lobster béarnaise poutine and I have decided to marry it.
Property Virgins airs on HGTV most nights at 8 p.m. EST with new episodes airing on Mondays. If you just can’t wait to see her on TV, you can also follow Sandra on Twitter: @SandraRinomato. For more of her great tips, pick up her book Realty Check through Crasstalk’s Amazon store.
DahlELama and The_Obvious both ignore their significant others every Monday night so they can watch Property Virgins and get irrationally angry at first-time home buyers who have preposterous personal demands. They are currently working on their audition tape for Property Whores.
Welcome back, Race spectators! One disclaimer here–I couldn’t find any decent photos of this leg of The Amazing Race, so I just gave you all what you wanted, which is gratuitous shots of the Cowboys looking adorable, and apparently the TAR graphics from The Season That Dare Not Ever Repeat Itself. Okay enough with the small talk, let’s just jump right in, shall we?
The Globetrotters left the seventh pit stop in a race around the world at 2:07 a.m., which is a crappy time to leave a pit stop because there generally are no flights, trains, etc. in the wee hours of the morning. The clue directed teams to a travel agency where they purchased airline tickets to Vienna, Austria. In the cab ride to the travel agency, Flight Time noted that Austria is where the Terminator is from, and we were treated to several not-so-good impressions of Ahhhnold. As a side note (and because this is tax season), my accountant sounds exactly like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and it is impossible to leave his office without saying, “I’m going to tuuuhhhminate your reeeefund,” at least once. Okay twice. Pretty much the entire walk to the F train. Anyway….
The Nerds left next, followed by the Sisters, Father/Daughter, the “Couple,” and the Cowboys. After reading the clue, Mallory remarked, “Vienna, is that cold?” Seriously? Shut up shut up shut up! She is such a moron! Vyxsin noted that they were the only dating couple left in the race, and that having a romantic relationship with your racing partner is a little bit different. They’re really stretching that “couple” thing to its breaking point, along with my last nerve.
At the travel agency, the teams learned that there were two different routes to Vienna. One had two connecting flights and arrived at 6:00 a.m., and another had three connecting flights and arrived at 5:35 a.m. All teams chose the earlier flight…except the Cowboys. They made a power move which banked on the other teams running into problems with the extra connection. How’d that work out for them? Not so good. The 5:35 a.m. flight got in first, which left the Cowboys in last place. Again.
Once in Austria, the teams had to choose a Ford Focus in the airport parking garage. The cars were equipped with some sort of modern techmonology that allowed Phil to speak to the teams on a magical screen attached to the dashboard. Phil told the teams to drive in reverse and read the clue on the magical screen, which looked as dangerous as it sounds. Imagine five cars all parked near each other backing up at the same time. Oh, and the winners of this leg will receive a Ford Focus with a magical screen.
Miraculously, there was no five-car pile-up in the parking garage and the teams discovered that they had to drive to “Schloss Schallaburg.” Father/Daughter were having problems figuring out the magical screen because he is an old and she is a moron. In the interim, the Cowboys arrived at the parking garage, which makes me wonder how in the heck Father/Daughter let a half hour slip past them.
The Nerds were the first to arrive in Schloss and learned that “Schallaburg” was a castle where they received a clue directing them to the local library. It looked bitter cold outside, and each team had a different approach to clothing. Vyxsin, naturally, had puffy pink earmuffs, while the Globetrotters were wearing shorts. The Nerds just sucked it up and added another thin layer to their pasty skin. No one looked comfortable with the weather, but it seemed to have taken an especially harsh toll on the “Couple” who were fighting like cats and chiwawas. At one point, Vyxsin told Kynt to stop acting like a chick, which was funny because I’ve been saying that since Day One.
When the Nerds arrived at the library, they were greated with a Detour! They had a choice between a long hard walk or a quick and easy meal. In Long Hard Walk, teams had to go to the Freud Museum and pick up an analyst couch which they then had to transport one mile to the University of Vienna. In Quick And Easy Meal, teams had to go to a giant ferris wheel where they each had to eat a local meal in the dining car of the ferris wheel. The trick for this one was, they had to eat all of the food during one twelve-minute rotation of the ferris wheel. Oh yeah, that’s the one to go with. At this point, I was openly chanting, “Pick the wheel! Pick the wheel! Pick the wheel!”
As luck would have it, the Nerds, the Sisters, and Father Daughter picked the wheel! The Globetrotters and the “Couple” wisely chose the couch thing. More on that later, but first, let’s discuss the ill-advised meal.
The Sisters started first and were each faced with several large pieces of meat that looked like it was battered and fried, with a small salad on the side and a slice of chocolate cake. Twelve minutes, ladies! They were using knives and forks and that did not seem like the correct way to approach a plate full of food and a time limit, but kudos to them for hanging on to whatever dignity they had left. The Nerds were next, and Zev suggested eating the mound of food “slow and steady.” That also didn’t sound like a good strategy. Six minutes into it, the Sisters were about halfway done with their main coarse and hadn’t even started on the cake yet. The Nerds had made a bit more progress, but Zev was slowing down at the halfway mark, at which point the boys clearly realized that choosing this task was a terrible idea.
The Sisters and the Nerds failed and were off to move couchs. Father/Daugher tried next. With four minutes left, they started snarfing down their food….and failed. Mallory, ever the go-getter, volunteered to throw up and try again, but thankfully her father decided to call it quits and move on to the moving of the couches.
Over at the couches, the Globetrotters got to the Freud Museum first, and oh my, Big Easy picked up that couch and carried it on his shoulder like it was nothing. The “Couple” were having a tough time with the carrying and lifting because Kynt’s arms are made of bendy straws filled with jelly. Oh, and because he wouldn’t stop whining like a little bitch.
The Sisters did a great job of carrying their couches. The Nerds were struggling a bit, and just as they brought their couch out of the museum, the Cowboys showed up. That put a little spring back into the Cowboys’ two-step because they knew that they were back in the race. At one point Cord said, “I was thinking it might have been faster if I lay on the couch, worry about my feelings, and Jet could push me.” They stopped just short of a proper Freud joke, so sorry boys, close but no cigar.
The Globetrotters delivered their couch first and received the next clue which directed them to a restaurant in Salzburg. The “Couple” delivered their couch next, then the Sisters. The poor Nerds were absolutely dying with their couch delivery. They got bad directions at the University and carried their couch up three flights of unnecessary stairs, which allowed the Cowboys to pass them. When Father/Daughter finally delivered their couch last, they counted the couches and saw that there were five others already there, which put them in last place.
The Globetrotters found the clue box in Salzburg first. Roadblock! Chimney sweeping! One team member had to dress in a chimney sweep uniform, climb to the roof, use a special tool to clean a chimney, and then climb back down to retrieve their clue. Big Easy’s uniform looked ridiculously small. Come on, TAR, you can make a suit of armor for a midget but you can’t make a chimney sweep uniform for a giant?
Big Easy moved quickly and was finished before anyone else even showed up. The clue directed teams to the pit stop at Villa Trapp, the real home of the Von Trapp family.
The Nerds arrived next, and what was that? Did Zev just make a “that’s what she said” joke? As in, “Make [the rope] bigger, that’s what she said.” It’s not great, but considering this is Zev we’re talking about, it’s not bad. Zev finished the task next, then the Sisters followed by the “Couple.” Then, the Cowboys arrived, and oh my, Jet or Cord (I’m not sure which, the ginger one) looked really kind of hot in his chimney sweep uniform.
And holy crap, the Nerds were the first team to check in at the pit stop! How did they beat out the Globetrotters? I have no idea. But they won cars! Well, good for them, they looked as surprised as I was. The Globetrotters checked in next, then the “Couple.”
The Cowboys finished the Roadblock before Father/Daughter even showed up and checked in at the pit stop at the same time as the Sisters.
Father/Daughter were the last team to arrive, but it was a non-elimination leg. I am not happy about this because Father/Daughter annoy me for some reason I can’t quite explain. She’s just too peppy. I’m not into pep. I’ll choose a maudlin cynic over a peppy cheerleader every time and I’m sick of seeing her happiness on my dummy box.
Anyhoo, next week Father/Daughter fight to stay in the Race and the teams enjoy fondue in Switzerland. So we’re getting down to the wire here, with six teams remaining. Any predictions? Are you happy with the final teams? Does this season make you want to run the Race or remain safely tucked into your couch? And the most important question of all, which cowboy is hotter?
Welcome to Hollywood! What’s your dream? Is it to sing a song from a forgettable movie? You’re in luck! American Idol will promise you the world and then crush your dreams, in one fell swoop. Elvira is there? Is she going to be revealed as Seacretin’s mother? She truly is the Mistress of Milking of 15 Minutes of Fame. Take lessons, Idol Singtestants, because we won’t remember any of you in 6 months.
Reaching for the stars and catching them:
Witch! She’s a witch! Lauren made me like a Miley Cyrus song. I love that Kelly Clarkson is on tonight because you will understand what I mean by the comparison between Lauren and Kelly – The Greatest Idol of All Time (TM). I hope there’s a grand sing off a la…
VH1’s Divas Live. Dammit I miss that show. I mean, really. Dream pairings of real life divas sanging their ayasses ouff. BOW DOWN! BOW DOWN BEFORE THEM (not because you want to see what scraps Aretha left behind…Yeah. I said it!)! The trailer battles on 42nd Street. The hapless interns running to and fro trying to get the starlettes out of their ego-induced comas.
What I’m getting at is that Jacob took on one of the most incredible songs written and performed as demonstrated here and here (pass the tiss-ewes). So Jacob sang it with the restraint of a forewarned and humbled singtestant and took us to church. Apparently, his voice comes “from the place it’s supposed to come from” as Jenny from the Dump said. Where is that, exactly? I would have said it’s supposed to come from the baby of Whitney and BOB-AAAAAAY! 
But we know that’s not what happened. So, I guess she means it’s supposed to come from Fatburger.
Stefaaaanooooo. Weeeeelcome to Lavender Hill (*whispering* – I’m not wearing any panties). Really, I would have thrown mine onto the stage (despite his moon boots). I wanted to catch a rose that he tossed from the stage in me teeth. I wanted to go backstage and “surprise” him in his dressing room. Marry me, Stefano. We will have babies with great ass…ets.
I had some help this time in reviewing the show and that helped tremendously because I would have turned off Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt’s performance after the first two seconds. BUT! My headbanging friend jumped right in and sang the lyrics to the chorus as if OBGK was speaking English. I didn’t have a clue what that guy was screaming. Let’s not kid ourselves, having Ozzy’s guitarist out there was the tits and pretty much made that performance what it was.
I don’t know why the The Old Lady thinks it’s appropriate to continue to hit on the girl you hated in high school but he does. I thought Haley the show’s resident ho was pretty darn good belting out “Call Me.” Maybe she was singing it straight to The Old Lady so that she can get a “record contract” after she goes home because the other judges hated it with two snaps in a circle.
Did you see that advert for So You Think You Can Dance? Hooooo doggy I cannot wait to recap the shizzle out of that show!
Sleeping with the fishes:
Muuaahahahahaha! Goodbye, Scotty Alfred E. Newman Baby Lock Them Doors! You stunk up the stage worse than a circus elephant just off the Tallahassee to Nashiville train! No! No! No! Don’t tell me that he will not be in the bottom three! Nahnahnahnahanahaaa I can’t hear you.
Fozzie Wozzie was a bear. Fozzie Wozzie was not there. I thought we had established that close-ups of Fozzie’s eyes were NOT a good idea. Yet, I could have been his aesthetician at more than one point last night. Aside from him needed a good pore and pupil reducing treatment, that was way too Esperanza Spalding for Idol AND ESPERANZA SPALDING RULES! But she also got death threats for beating Justine Biebette for Best New Artist at the Grammy and now Casper the Floating Head Gingerbreadman will be ded. Ded, I say. Stoopid judges for their stoopid standing O. 
The Sanjaya of season 10 is still there. I refuse to talk about him.
Bottom three: That guy, OBGK, Gingerbreadman.
UPDATE:
Hallaleezy praise Weezy! Before we get to the good news, I’m going to drive to LA and punch the Idol producers square in their necks for continuing to pair up Alfred E. Newman and Trisha Yearwood for a good ol’ ‘Murican hoedown. Just have them sing “Islands in the Sea” and get it over with. And then what in the name of Sarah Vaughn and Louis Armstrong what that? I’m tired. So tired. Because he was part of the last group of singers, I’m going to ignore their weird rendition of the evil and delicious “Sound of Silence” and “Here’s to You Ryan Seabiscuit.”
After The Greatest Idol of All Time (TM), Kelly Clarkson schooled them fools on how to last in the bizness, Seabiscuit dimmed the lights to watch someone go, like he has so many times before. One, two, three, they went off to the cheap seats – Haley the Show’s (well, you know), Peeping Tom McCreepster, and the little prosciutto, Stefano. Would the female tweenie-boppers of America send another chicky packing? We would have to wait until Hip Hop Ragedy-Anne sang something about how she wants a California King bed (can’t she just order one?).
So! Who was going home? Take off your rose-covered suits, kids, because it’s now in the safe recesses of McCreepster’s suitcase. Good bye, Paul! The only way you out-shined the rest was with your neon sign-bright teeth! Maybe you can go be Rod Stewart’s understudy while he is on tour. He’ll probably break a hip within the first couple of weeks, anyway.
One way someone can really piss me off – and as you all know, there are many ways – is to talk shit about reality television. I never thought I would say that, but there, I said it. I’ve lost interest in guys for doing it, I’ve walked away from people at cocktail parties, and I’ve gotten in heated debates over the artistic merits of Jersey Shore. But you guys understand, you’re fans.
However, I think there is still a huge misconception that reality television is not “reality,” that it’s actually all scripted, that it’s cheap and tawdry, that it’s – here’s my favorite – FAKE.
Yes, a lot of the reality shows out there are trashy (and Two and a Half Men is…what, our generation’s Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood?) and filled with famewhores, and yes, there are a lot of trashy, sleazy reality producers out there. (Never mind the fact that reality television really encompasses far more than Jersey Shore and Real Housewives – it’s Dirty Jobs, it’s Mythbusters, it’s Modern Marvels. It’s non-scripted television.)
All the horror stereotypes about Hollywood? They’re all pretty much true. I watched Swimming with Sharks around 2003, when I first moved to LA, and thought, ‘Hell, that’s not that bad. I can handle that, I’ve got a self-loathing complex!’ When I watched the movie again last year after being laid off, I threw up because it was like watching the trauma I had lived through working for these crazy people played out on screen. The reality of the cool factor and the glitz and glam of working in the industry is a lot more gut-wrenching than when you’re just a casual observer.
So all the bullshit is true, but that goes for most people and things – people are just kinda trashy. (And we love it.) Warhol was right: In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes. Guess what: the future is now.
My dad always said there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. How many more sides emerge when you’ve got 3 cameras on you and your friend is mic’d across town so you can hear everything going on? A whole new story can be revealed, pieced together – created. Sometimes enlightening, sometimes mean-spirited…but that’s part and parcel of life itself.
As for reality show secrets, well, I don’t think I have any that you guys aren’t already in on.* But let me reiterate this point – it’s not fake, it’s just planned out (tomato, tomahto). It’s a version of reality. (And, that’s not to say that “unplanned” stuff doesn’t happen all the time, and make an even better show.) Think about your life even when it was its most exciting ever – be honest with yourself. The day to day was still pretty mundane, wasn’t it? And Yahweh doesn’t care about sweeps week, does He! So if you want your life to be a reality show, we’re going to have to do some creative sculpting. It’s still really happening to you, you’re still wheeling and dealing and breaking up and making up and getting 10 surgeries in one day. It’s still real. It just may not be the raw, unadulterated truth. It’s entertainment – and it’s real. It’s just one version of reality – a producer’s version, created to fill a demographic need.
Take Keeping Up with the Kardashians, for example. Great example of a show people generally believe to be “scripted”. And it’s true that most of that show is planned out ahead of time – that’s the thing though, you kind of have to do it. So here’s how it goes. Four weeks (or whatever the network has allotted for pre-production), before they start shooting, story producers sit down with the Kardashians for quite some time, and the Kardashians tell them everything going on right now. “Well Scott’s in recovery, so that’s great, we’re smoothing things over.” “Kim is turning 30, she’s definitely going to have a big 30th bash in Vegas.” “But Scott of course will NOT be going after what happened last year.” “Khloe and Lamar are gonna buy a house soon.” “Bruce and Kris have been bitching at each other a lot because Kris wishes she was 27.” Based on all the shit that’s actually going on, story producers craft the season, figuring out the long-term story arc as well as all the little story arcs within each episode. So ok, they say, Scott’s not drinking anymore and he was a dick to a waiter in Vegas last year and Kris doesn’t want him at the party this year. What if Scott flies out, realizes he can’t handle it, and flies back to New York that night? Everything that’s already happening is synthesized and put together in a way that makes sense and in a way that ups the drama factor so viewers are into it. And voila, you have 12 episodes. It’s a version of reality, but it’s still reality…because what is really real when there are at minimum three sides to every story?
But we all have our own versions of reality, don’t we? Every time we relay a story to someone, every time we talk about someone in our lives, every time we create a narrative – we’re creating our very own reality television show. (And thanks to Steve Jobs, we can all have our very own soundtracks, too. And thanks to Facebook, and Tumblr, and Twitter, and Youtube, we can all find our very own audience. Who’s your demographic?) We are each the suffering hero of our own one-man play, and your concept of your role in my life may not be the actual role you’re playing in my life.
So we’re all a bunch of little reality television shows running around in this great small world of ours – just because yours hasn’t been picked up for a cable run yet doesn’t mean it’s any more real than those that have.
*Oh, you wanted juicy stories? Hmmm, well, let’s see…yes, Curtis Stone is that good-looking in real life…I learned I’m actually about a 4 on the Kinsey Scale after the casting calls for one show I created…James Caan stuck his tongue down my throat after a meeting once (a meeting I was explicitly told I was only invited to so that James would have something good to look at)…Eddie Nash hung up on me after I managed to find his unlisted number…the coolest person I’ve ever met doing this was with Charles Spencer, Lady Diana’s brother (huge history buff)…any time there’s a shitty title of a show, BLAME THE NETWORK…Leonardo DiCaprio does a great DeNiro…Tucker Max called me a cunt after I asked him how the failed comedy pilot was doing at Comedy Central…and when I was 24 I was told that I would never work in this town again.
Welcome to the Crasstalk Question of the Day. Each morning we ask you a different question and you the Crass Nation provide an answer. Particularly good answers may even be featured in future QOTDs.
Since I’ve heard a bunch of people talking about HBO’s “Mildred Pierce” miniseries, let’s find out what you like.
What’s your favorite miniseries of all time?
Miniserieses are bananas. Their just long enough to really dig deep into a subject and develop all the characters and all that shit… and they’re just short enough that they don’t clog up your Netflix queue for six months.
My personal favorite is “Roots.” I love epic American stories that take place over multiple generations. And Ben Vereen as Chicken George is just fucking amazing.
So what’s your favorite?