Welcome, everyone, to the increasingly dysfunctional world of “16 and Pregnant.” I don’t recommend you watch the actual show if you have high blood pressure or a soul. Thankfully, I have neither and I’m here to tell you what happened and ask the pertinent hypothetical questions.
This week, we had Jennifer Del Rio, of Tampa, who is a 16-year-old sophomore in high school. She’s expecting twins. I think that’s super. I think having not one, but two, babies before you’re old enough to buy alcohol to drink in the closet while the kids cry it out is a neat idea.
Jennifer is a tomboy; we know this because she tells us this and we see a little footage of her at a batting cage (with a pink-tipped helmet). Now, she also has 2-inch-long French-tipped acrylic fingernails, but I know that all tomboys also have nails that long. She’s also missing three off one hand, but that’s probably because she was climbing a tree or playing kick-the-can and lost them somehow. Tomboys! They never keep up with getting their nails did!
Anyway, just because you’re a self-professed “tomboy,” that doesn’t mean you don’t have time for boys, and especially sex with boys. So Josh knocked her up. He’s cute, in a meaty, fat-faced douche kind of way. I bet he wears a lot of white baseball caps, but I did not see him wearing one in this episode.
Jen’s parents hate him. They say it’s because he’s older than her (I harnessed the power of the Internet and found out it’s only a two-year difference). That didn’t seem like reason enough; they don’t really say why else they don’t like him, but, trust me, we sure as sugar will find out. Anyway, her family seems relatively wealthy and they have what appears to be a Collie and some kind of black Lab mix, so I like them, as these are really my only criteria for what makes a human cool. Her mom draws her eyebrows on with a Sharpie, so me and Michael K of Dlisted approve. Her family honestly seems nice and quasi-reasonable, and I had a hard time figuring out why they were treating this pregnancy as a punishment. I have more thoughts on her family later.
Jen and Josh play mini-golf and have a wooden and contrived conversation the producers asked them to have about how she got pregnant. Jen says she didn’t know much about birth control. She says she gently suggested they should use a condom but Josh said he didn’t have any money. Sex is free, so I can see why they did that. But then Josh says that not having money “was just an excuse…It’s awkward for me to buy condoms.” Indeed, Josh. Totes awkward. I understand, buddy.
Pregnancy footage: Jennifer is going to an alternative school so she can be pregnant and learn. She’s self-conscious about being the only preggers girl in school (ugh, I totally hate it when I do something and then have to deal with what I did! Annoying!) She has to have her parents help her button and unbutton her jeans before and after school, and I briefly truly felt bad because I didn’t understand why no one bought her any maternity clothes. Her ob-gyn is in a strip mall, which is kind of strange. Josh’s parents throw a baby shower. It appears to have been held in the Knights of Columbus Hall next to the rectory of St. Stanislaus Kostka in St. Louis, but that can’t be right. Jennifer’s parents don’t go because they don’t want to “celebrate” her having twins. Jen’s dad says, “This is supposed to be a joyous time. I don’t feel that way.”
Okay, I’m going to interject: I think the best way for a child to come into this world is with people talking about how awful the situation is. Mr. and Mrs. Del Rio: you are not rewarding your daughter if you throw her a baby shower. You’re gonna end up buying her a ton of stuff you could otherwise get for free. She’s 16 with twins. It’s not like she’s going to be bringing in a little money by telecommuting to her law firm part-time. I am so tired of this show never talking about abortion. I mean, just tell me why you didn’t do that. Religious/moral beliefs? Too expensive? Just bring the damn word into the general dialogue of teenage pregnancy. In nearly every episode, the fact that these girls will keep the baby is just a given. If Jen’s parents are so pissed, why are they keeping the twins? To teach her a lesson? To punish her? Neato. These babies are super lucky.
/rant over
Jennifer and Josh go out for their one-year anniversary to what appears to be the Cheesecake Factory. God, do you remember when you were that age and pregnant and thought The Factory was the height of classy? Josh proposes to Jen- he orders her to “stand up” before he gets down on one knee, which is exactly how I want to be proposed to (“GET UP, bitch! I know you’re seven months pregnant and it’s a struggle, but we’re gonna do this proposal the way I want it or you don’t get your fucking cheesecake!”). Then, after all the romance, Jennifer makes Josh stay in the car while she tells her mom she’s engaged.
Mom very dryly says, “That’s a special moment for any woman.” Jennifer does not pick up on the sarcasm.
Mom asks that Josh actually come in the house to discuss the engagement. Josh explains his motivation (it is the “next step” in their relationship).
Let’s just move on. Jen is having a scheduled C-section. We learn a few things during the delivery portion of the episode: 1) They literally have no plan for getting home from the hospital. 2) Josh does not speak to Jennifer’s parents at all. 3) Jennifer is a cipher. This girl is just a blank slate. She’s not even torn, exactly, between her family and her boyfriend, because she goes along with whatever anyone says at the moment they’re saying it and then moves on. Her mom says “the temperament that boy has is unbelievable”? Jen agrees. Josh then says her mom is being ridiculous? Well, that too. I think it’s important to stay as malleable as possible in life.
Babies: Born. Lots of controversy about the names during the whole episode, but, ultimately, one of the twins is Josh Jr. and they have his last name, against Jennifer’s parents wishes. Babies get home, they’re home for what appears to be a few days, and then Josh and Jen go for a leisurely drive with the twins.
And that’s when it gets real: they get in an argument, and Josh gets all Eli-from-Degrassi crazy, starts flooring it, they’re yelling…oh, and then he kicks her out of the car. On the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. Grabs her violently. And…then he drives off with the babies. I think I figured out why her parents kept saying they didn’t like him.
He comes back, but not before Jennifer’s mom shows up, the cops show up, and he’s arrested. Josh yells, “what are YOU looking at?” to Jennifer’s mother. Don’t worry, guys, Jen didn’t press charges. I mean, it was just a little kidnapping. MTV also threw the “dating violence” PSA in at the commercial break, so now you know that even though they filmed this, they sure didn’t approve of it. Get help if this happens. Unless you have a camera crew following you, then please let it play out.
So, as it stands at the end of the episode, things are uneasy between every person filmed. But Jennifer still loves Josh; after all, he’s the abusive father of her unwanted children. Jennifer’s parents hate the father of their grandchildren but saw no other option but to allow their teenage daughter to birth and raise two children. The Del Rio dogs seem to be pretty happy, though, and that’s all I really care about.
Coda: Josh says Jennifer “tricked” him into getting her pregnant. Why? Oh, allegedly so she could be on the show. And he filed a restraining order against her. I don’t even. Let’s just move on. I’m sure the exploited teens of next week’s episode will be better.
