Sup Crasstalk? Having a great day? You better be because The Grand Inquisitor demands that you do so. So get to it. Let’s have some adult cartoons this week to get us in the weekend mood.
Have a great day.
television
325 posts
One way someone can really piss me off – and as you all know, there are many ways – is to talk shit about reality television. I never thought I would say that, but there, I said it. I’ve lost interest in guys for doing it, I’ve walked away from people at cocktail parties, and I’ve gotten in heated debates over the artistic merits of Jersey Shore. But you guys understand, you’re fans.
However, I think there is still a huge misconception that reality television is not “reality,” that it’s actually all scripted, that it’s cheap and tawdry, that it’s – here’s my favorite – FAKE.
Yes, a lot of the reality shows out there are trashy (and Two and a Half Men is…what, our generation’s Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood?) and filled with famewhores, and yes, there are a lot of trashy, sleazy reality producers out there. (Never mind the fact that reality television really encompasses far more than Jersey Shore and Real Housewives – it’s Dirty Jobs, it’s Mythbusters, it’s Modern Marvels. It’s non-scripted television.)
All the horror stereotypes about Hollywood? They’re all pretty much true. I watched Swimming with Sharks around 2003, when I first moved to LA, and thought, ‘Hell, that’s not that bad. I can handle that, I’ve got a self-loathing complex!’ When I watched the movie again last year after being laid off, I threw up because it was like watching the trauma I had lived through working for these crazy people played out on screen. The reality of the cool factor and the glitz and glam of working in the industry is a lot more gut-wrenching than when you’re just a casual observer.
So all the bullshit is true, but that goes for most people and things – people are just kinda trashy. (And we love it.) Warhol was right: In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes. Guess what: the future is now.
My dad always said there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. How many more sides emerge when you’ve got 3 cameras on you and your friend is mic’d across town so you can hear everything going on? A whole new story can be revealed, pieced together – created. Sometimes enlightening, sometimes mean-spirited…but that’s part and parcel of life itself.
As for reality show secrets, well, I don’t think I have any that you guys aren’t already in on.* But let me reiterate this point – it’s not fake, it’s just planned out (tomato, tomahto). It’s a version of reality. (And, that’s not to say that “unplanned” stuff doesn’t happen all the time, and make an even better show.) Think about your life even when it was its most exciting ever – be honest with yourself. The day to day was still pretty mundane, wasn’t it? And Yahweh doesn’t care about sweeps week, does He! So if you want your life to be a reality show, we’re going to have to do some creative sculpting. It’s still really happening to you, you’re still wheeling and dealing and breaking up and making up and getting 10 surgeries in one day. It’s still real. It just may not be the raw, unadulterated truth. It’s entertainment – and it’s real. It’s just one version of reality – a producer’s version, created to fill a demographic need.
Take Keeping Up with the Kardashians, for example. Great example of a show people generally believe to be “scripted”. And it’s true that most of that show is planned out ahead of time – that’s the thing though, you kind of have to do it. So here’s how it goes. Four weeks (or whatever the network has allotted for pre-production), before they start shooting, story producers sit down with the Kardashians for quite some time, and the Kardashians tell them everything going on right now. “Well Scott’s in recovery, so that’s great, we’re smoothing things over.” “Kim is turning 30, she’s definitely going to have a big 30th bash in Vegas.” “But Scott of course will NOT be going after what happened last year.” “Khloe and Lamar are gonna buy a house soon.” “Bruce and Kris have been bitching at each other a lot because Kris wishes she was 27.” Based on all the shit that’s actually going on, story producers craft the season, figuring out the long-term story arc as well as all the little story arcs within each episode. So ok, they say, Scott’s not drinking anymore and he was a dick to a waiter in Vegas last year and Kris doesn’t want him at the party this year. What if Scott flies out, realizes he can’t handle it, and flies back to New York that night? Everything that’s already happening is synthesized and put together in a way that makes sense and in a way that ups the drama factor so viewers are into it. And voila, you have 12 episodes. It’s a version of reality, but it’s still reality…because what is really real when there are at minimum three sides to every story?
But we all have our own versions of reality, don’t we? Every time we relay a story to someone, every time we talk about someone in our lives, every time we create a narrative – we’re creating our very own reality television show. (And thanks to Steve Jobs, we can all have our very own soundtracks, too. And thanks to Facebook, and Tumblr, and Twitter, and Youtube, we can all find our very own audience. Who’s your demographic?) We are each the suffering hero of our own one-man play, and your concept of your role in my life may not be the actual role you’re playing in my life.
So we’re all a bunch of little reality television shows running around in this great small world of ours – just because yours hasn’t been picked up for a cable run yet doesn’t mean it’s any more real than those that have.
*Oh, you wanted juicy stories? Hmmm, well, let’s see…yes, Curtis Stone is that good-looking in real life…I learned I’m actually about a 4 on the Kinsey Scale after the casting calls for one show I created…James Caan stuck his tongue down my throat after a meeting once (a meeting I was explicitly told I was only invited to so that James would have something good to look at)…Eddie Nash hung up on me after I managed to find his unlisted number…the coolest person I’ve ever met doing this was with Charles Spencer, Lady Diana’s brother (huge history buff)…any time there’s a shitty title of a show, BLAME THE NETWORK…Leonardo DiCaprio does a great DeNiro…Tucker Max called me a cunt after I asked him how the failed comedy pilot was doing at Comedy Central…and when I was 24 I was told that I would never work in this town again.
And so returns the murder mystery. Undeniably, AMC is cementing itself into one of the premiere cable networks with their offerings of varied and significant prestige dramas. We won’t count the canceled Rubicon. No, no we won’t. Aside from their one misstep, it’s no wonder that negotiations for their shows enter into the realm of epic three ring circus, the shows are just that good. And when a show falls short of its mark, nearly heaven and earth is moved to diagnose and fix the problem, just like in the case of The Walking Dead. Essentially, the network knows what it’s doing. It understands that its audience is looking for something heartier, more thought out, more nuanced, and exceedingly more entertaining than the typical procedural major network show.
Enter The Killing. We’re still a little disappointed that there won’t be a Mad Men season this year since given contract negotiations and timing, AMC pushed back their flagship program to roll out new shows like The Killing. The biggest question critics may ask is — are the new shows worth it?
The two-hour season premiere on Sunday night was in part an introduction to the story and the characters, and in part a head-on challenge to the viewer to forget what you know. Largely on the face of it, the show isn’t something that we’ve not heard or seen before. True to form it does have a very Twin Peaks-esque aura about it. There’s a dead popular teenager, a seemingly small town atmosphere, (even though the story is set in Seattle), and numerous suspects. And with each new suspect that’s introduced, there is just something, something about all of them that could lend them to commit murder. Whether it’s a bit of malevolence in the eyes, a shifty, nervous countenance, or just enough eerie creepiness that makes you think, “Yeah, that guy could have done it” but you’re also keen enough to know that there will be surprises. And you get most of this from the first episode.
The story centers around a neighborhood filled with high schoolers, and riff-raff, the working class, and the affluent — at will various personalities emerge. The lead detective, Sarah Linden, is played by Big Love’s Mireille Enos, in almost an unrecognizable role. She’s short and unassuming, her smiles are infrequent and she has one hell of a stare. I would say that she landed the part based on that piercing, unforgiving stare. She is respected, capable, underestimated, and no novice. She’s the Clarice Starling of the show, definitely, but so subdued you wonder if her heart beats more than a few clicks a minute, but that all adds to the heightened suspense — you just don’t know what she’s thinking until she says something almost imperceptible. There are no Dr. House moments of sudden clarity here.
Her begrudging partner, Stephen Holder (Joel Kinnaman), is an itchy guy. He’s been sent to replace Linden as she is set to move to California and get married, literally moments before the case starts. He’s uncomfortable to watch and is skilled at making Linden flinch with his smirky candor, and off-the-cuff remarks. Mostly when watching him he’s insufferable, all swagger, bravado, and some level of mania that lies just below the surface. He’s the element of unpredictability on the side of the investigators. His whole character is constructed to make Linden, and through Linden, us the audience, off-balance.
The murder victim, Rosie Larsen, is the typical teenager, good and light on the surface, but edgy and dark in life. Along with the sentiment that she was an innocent victim, you do get the sense that Rosie was in a bit over her head with something. The something we don’t know quite yet, but we do know there are lots of secrets surrounding this girl and her friends. And urgh her friends. Don’t you just hate teenagers? It was infuriating watching the girl’s best friend, Sterling Fitch, attempt to keep their secrets hidden while lying and engaging in that frantic, panicked thing akin to teens that are involved in something that they don’t have the ability to handle.
The puzzle piece that does not fit is a councilman running for office, played by The 4400‘s Billy Campbell. He’s the outlier. There is some connection between him and the dead girl which hasn’t been uncovered yet. It’s revealed that he has a dead wife, and a few secrets of his own. It seems much of the show may be centered around what his connection to Rosie is, and if possibly his extracurricular activities have anything to do with young girls. [SPOILER ALERT] After Rosie is found in the trunk of his campaign aide’s car, and his less than flustered response, he moves up to prime suspect. However, we doubt he’ll stay there.
Rosie Larsen’s parents, (played by True Blood’s Michelle Forbes; and Life’s Brent Sexton), are straight out of a scene from Mystic River, and lend the story the emotional backbone. As it’s learned that Rosie is missing, and that no one’s heard from her, you know it’s just a matter of time until the inevitable is found out. You don’t know how or when, but you know that when they find out, it will be bad. The show sets up this moment by telling us that Rosie was on track to go to college and by showing us scenes from her very teenage bedroom complete with butterfly shaped picture collage and pink, girly theme. When the moment actually comes, the actors give a good performance. I wouldn’t say Sean Penn held back by ten police, good, but just heart wrenching enough in their shock and horror. You see them dealing with the loss for at least 24 hours independently, as they’ve been advised not to tell anyone else while the investigation progresses. Possibly without knowing it, we measure hearing grave news and what our reaction would be against what the actors do as our own way of gauging authenticity. A television show may never get it totally right, but for the purposes here, it worked.
The last big character in The Killing is the rain. There is nothing more dismal and foreboding than nonstop rain. It is a blanket of doom like no other. And while the decision to have the show set in Seattle may be a bit transparent, it works nonetheless. Watching a rain-soaked murder mystery puts you in a heavier mood while viewing, and makes that which may not be overly poignant, much more so.
There are elements to this drama that will lend itself to being a compelling mystery. AMC has worked out who they want you to identify with, and how they want the mystery to unfold, and it attempts the style of a theatrical movie (As mentioned see: Mystic River or Dolores Claiborne), and not a typical CBS drama. They want you, the audience, to be interactive. They want you to see the clues and start putting the pieces together.
While the show doesn’t have the instant “Wow” factor of Mad Men, it does follow AMC’s studied exposition of subtlety and successfully pulls you in. This is not supposed to be altogether new territory, but it is supposed to be a more nuanced take on something we’ve seen before, but done better.
I’m willing to see where it takes us. Are you?
The Killing airs on Sunday nights at 10 pm EST on AMC.
Welcome to the Crasstalk Question of the Day. Each morning we ask you a different question and you the Crass Nation provide an answer. Particularly good answers may even be featured in future QOTDs.
Since I’ve heard a bunch of people talking about HBO’s “Mildred Pierce” miniseries, let’s find out what you like.
What’s your favorite miniseries of all time?
Miniserieses are bananas. Their just long enough to really dig deep into a subject and develop all the characters and all that shit… and they’re just short enough that they don’t clog up your Netflix queue for six months.
My personal favorite is “Roots.” I love epic American stories that take place over multiple generations. And Ben Vereen as Chicken George is just fucking amazing.
So what’s your favorite?
Meet Fabrice Fabrice (the name’s so nice, you can say it… AGAIN). Fabrice Fabrice is the creation of Nick Kroll, a comedian who’s currently on the show “The League.” (Ask your boyfriend about it. He probably knows it well….)
So Kroll, who looks like a typical, married Accord-driving suburban dork from the accounting department, has created one of the most outrageous alter-egos I’ve ever seen. Here he is on John Oliver’s recent Comedy Central special:
| Jokes.com | ||||
| Fabrice Fabrice – Renee Zellweger | ||||
|
||||
Fabrice Fabrice isn’t actually a performer. He’s the craft services coordinator. Here he is explaining his work on the set of “That’s So Ravyn.” (I also love the way Fabrice Fabrice holds the microphone.)
| Jokes.com | ||||
| Fabrice Fabrice – Craft Services | ||||
|
||||
Fabrice has strong opinions about Joe Jackson and likes him some John Oliver.
| Jokes.com | ||||
| Fabrice Fabrice – Joe Jackson | ||||
|
||||
Last week we got a gander at the plastic monstrosity that was the new Wonder Woman costume. We were furious! We were confused! Mostly we just thought spending $19.95 for a Party City Halloween Shit-Suit was silly! Well, there have been new developments.
Apparently, NBC has heard all of our copious concerns about the epic tragedy that was a blue car tarp stretched out over a lady’s body. You see, they must have gone back to the drawing board and decided that the total effort wasn’t flawed. Why, no. What the costume from Hefty really needed was a color change, and maybe pants that were a bit less blue, but nonetheless still existent. (I favor the traditional get-up, and not these star-spangled hotpants.)
So here, behold what NBC has devised as a workable compromise. Is this any better? (Update is on left. Original look is on right.)
Holy Christmas Crapsack! I don’t think this is better. No, no I don’t. Is she a bag of lettuce in a grocery cart? What’s with all the ill-fitting rumpleness? Seriously. Why does it look like nothing about this fits? It’s like a prom dress with an out-of-shape bodice that the debutante has to keep pulling up lest her ta-tas fall out during the awkward Glamour Shots photo. She needs more support, spaghetti straps, less silicone….something, anything.
We collectively saw no need for the high-heeled boots. They were totally non-functional for a crime fighter, so the addition of flats here is a good choice, and the traditional red is an improvement…but they still just look so cheap. Like they just painted a pair of the blue ones and removed the heel. Is that what they did? It looks like it. Urgh. While getting rid of the shiny pants is better, replacing them with blue thermal underwear, and affixing a few gold stars, just seems like a quick fix. Everything about this still says, “We don’t know what we’re doing.”
I guess David E. Kelley probably likes this immensely, because I don’t believe the television law provocateur really understands superhero fiction. So I imagine he’s comfortable with his new action star looking like she stepped out of a lady wrestling episode from the late 1980’s.
Here she is doing some action type things…er, robotically.
What do you guys think? Is this a fair improvement?
[Photos via Entertainment Weekly]
Elton John and Bernie Taupin created the songs that are the soundtracks to major motion pictures, Broadway musicals and generations of people the world over. So what would this week come down to? SONG CHOICE! With all the perfect, amazingly written and arranged songs the John/Taupin duo has gifted to the universe, of course it would come down to song choice, wouldn’t it? Because America voted off Casey last week, and the judges shot him from a cannon right back into the competition the coveted one-time-only Judges Save, we had eleven contestants to serenade us. Eleven will enter; nine will return. Oh the drama! Let’s go to the tape.
**Author’s Note: I wonder when American Idol’s interns will realize that the video link to the performances on the American Idol page says “What the performances again” (yes, I typed that correctly).
Wheat:
Hey. Where’s your boyfriend? He’s gone isn’t he? Yeah, mine too. That little tart Hailey slinked on the piano, dismounted the thing with the grace of a baby bird leaving the nest for the first time, and then finished her delivery of a sassy, jazzy version of…Benny and the Jets? Yep. The love child of Joan Osborne and Natasha Bedingfield found her sweet spot and created “a moment” for herself. Good for her. Goooooood fooooor her.
Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of Randy back-peddling faster than Seacretin after announcing that his boyfriend’s name is Julian. He means Julianne! Julianne Hough, the female country singer/Dancing with the Stars champion! What were you thinking? The back-peddling is because Pia gave Randy the big middle finger and went with “Don’t Think I’m Not Gonna Sing Whatever The Hell I Want Let The Sun Go Down On Me.” It was another ballad, not something up-tempto, and she sang it so well that she made The Old Lady cry inside. Not the gentle cry of a few tears, but the howling ugly cry, contorted face and all. Oh, that’s how she normally looks? I see…
Our disembodied, back from the dead, gingerbread head got a beard trim. Nope. Still not talking about Ryan’s girlfriend – sheesh! Casey actually trimmed his unruly firebush upon the recommendation from one of the producers that he cut it off so that America can see his face. He didn’t go all the way, but we finally could see that there was something attaching his cranium to his corpus. Fact of the matter is, he picked THE SONG, “Your Song,” and he sang it well. It wasn’t Ewan McGregor in the elephant but it was sweet and heart-felt and that’s exactly how that song should be sung.
Little Lauren ain’t worried about a hot dang thing. She’s so solid in this. I would not be surprised if she Carrie Underwood-ed this entire season. Just you watch. On a related note, this may be our first all female final since season 3.
Chaff
Presented without comment:
What’s that you say, Country Crooner? You picked the only Elton song that had the word “country” in it? You don’t say. Lack of creativity? Check. Safe bet? Not so fast. But our little Crooner add-libbed a “Love you, grandma!” right into the middle of his song the hearts of the elderly ladies across this fine country of ours just melted. Puke. Truth is, every song he sings sounds like every other song he sings which sounds like every song you’ve heard on country radio. So, what happens to him on Idol hardly even matters. He’ll head to Nashville and get a recording contract.
African Earth Mother just booked her job at The Sandals resort in Montego Bay for a season. Good thing, Naima, because America is done with you. Well, except that many will see you on their honeymoon and at some point during your performance of the reggae version of “Sweet Caroline,” Kathy will turn to her new husband Bo, and ask him if he remembers where she’s seen this woman before. He will take a sip of his piña colada, slap his hand against his thigh, turn to Kathy and say “I don’t know, babe.” Kathy will continue to wonder about this as Diana DeGarmo joins Naima on the stage for a rousing rendition of “When You Believe.”
What’s a male diva called? A divo? Well, folks. Our resident over-singer Jacob went full-on D-I-V-O last night. He was just standing there in the middle of the stage singing “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word” as the building crashed down around him, people fled the theater, stars exploded in the sky as our divo manned the stage like the captain of the Titanic.
Remember Michigan J. Frog? Okay, Stefano is my Michigan J. Frog. I carry him around in a shoe box and when it’s just me and him, he comes out with gleaming smile, his top hat and cane and just puts on a show! And then I put him back in his shoe box and take him to The Old Lady, Venus from the Block and the Dawg, and he just sits there. I even try to take him to a bar and show the locals what he can do so maybe I can get some free drinks and still, nothing. He’s infuriatingly inconsistent! I fear Stefano will always be Almost Famous.
Where does one find a rose-covered suit, an Elvis-impersonator’s garage sale? He’s like a magician with his bright white Julia Roberts smile, and his fake tan and his perfectly placed hair: look over here so you don’t see what’s going on over here which is the slow murder of your ears. Again, I just can’t with this guy.
TOE-TOUCH! I have been momentarily rendered speechless.
How do you solve a problem like Megia? She is a woman-child. Poor thing thinks she has to prove herself by singing songs that are much, much older than she is. I get it, I guess. She’s a bebe but doesn’t want to seem like the goofy, awkward girl who can’t walk in heels (she can’t) in a world of hardened performers who have been dropping CD’s at studios for years and performing in Coffee Plantations all over Los Angeles. Doesn’t work. Never has. Is Randy Jackson married? I noticed a ring. Anyhoo…
As the house boy band returned to the mansion, all but one sharing a knowing look before retreating to their respective rooms, Casey sat alone in the quiet and darkened kitchen. He knows. He knows they are all plotting against him. He knows that for the rest of this competition, he has a target on his back. But he also knows that tonight, he did it. He did it. He picks himself up from the table, gives props to the Taylor Hicks in the sky, and retires to his room to sing another day.
Bottom Three: Thia Megia, Stefano, Naima
UPDATE/SPOILER ALERT: Well that wasn’t a surprise. Our bird of paradise, Naima, and baby bird, Thia Megia, flew away tonight. Remember, if you love something, VOTE FOR IT ON AMERICAN IDOL or it will die a slow death of a reality TV star.
By DahlELama and The_Obvious
This is the true story of five All-Stars, picked to cook on an island, work together, and have their lives taped. To find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being total culinary douchebags… you should probably keep reading.
It’s been such a long journey to the finale that we could just mise en plotz! But before we do, it’s time to crown Top Chef’s first ever “Best Chef of All the Chefs Who Proved Not to Be the Best in Other Seasons,” and before we do that, we need a little background on the season that was.
The season started with 18 chefs, but the combination of too much salt and too much crazy quickly whittled the contenders down to the five (it was supposed to be four, but apparently, no one sucked enough to get booted, which was super convenient considering how many episodes were left in the season!) who’d be going on to the finals in the Bahamas:
- In this corner, we have the itch you can’t scratch, the rash that refuses to go away, the houseguest that won’t leave, Tiffany “I’m From Beaumont, Bitches” Derry!
- In this corner, weighing in at five-foot-awesome with three ounces of pot, we have Antonia Lofaso, Purveyor of Perfect Food, Champion (well, 4th place) of Chi-Town, Tigress of the Toque! (And the toke, too!)
- In this corner, hailing all the way from Fraggle Rock, the Selcouth of the South, the Chicken Pot Pie Perfecter, the Spectacle in Spectacles, Carla “Hootie Hoo” Hall!
- And in this corner, weighing 145 pounds…more than he did last season, the Robber of Recipes, the Beast from the East, Mike “I’m with stunad” Isabella!
- And, in the center of it all, stands the Lord of Liquid Nitrogen, Atlanta’s own Jimmy Neutron, the super-flammable Richard Blais!
Of course, only two would remain standing for the finale, and after cooking for Bohemian royalty, rocking out with their conchs out, and cooking last suppers for some lusty chefs, MikeyNeck “Jersey Douche” Isabella and Richard “When did he become such a dick?” Blais emerged victorious. Let the games begin!
The big challenge is essentially a mini-variation on Restaurant Wars: Cook the four-course meal of your life and put it on the menu of a pretend restaurant with a pretend name even though you’re serving it at a real restaurant with a real name. The two cheftestants immediately get to discussing which of the previously ousted chefs they would take on as sous chefs and writing slanderous comments about them in their Burn Book. After a few games of MASH and doing each other’s hair, they discuss their super secret strategies for the competition, because nothing screams “brilliant competitors” like discussing your plan with your opponent. (Although, to be fair, if they didn’t, Mike would’ve just stolen Blais’s from his notebook anyway.) Mike immediately declares that he would bang choose Jenn Carroll, because despite her crazy blowouts and monumental exit, she’s still hot a great chef. As it turns out, Blais too wants Jenn C, though not necessarily in a sexual way, as well as Angelo, also not necessarily in a sexual way.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter who they think is awesome, because they’re forced to choose blind: each previously ousted chef’s amuse bouche is laid out before them, and they are to choose their teammates based on whose bouche amuses them the most. Mike is pretty blatant about simply attempting to pick out which one is Jenn’s (and which one isn’t Marcel’s) but the static generated by Blais’s hair interrupts their BFF connection and Mike ends up with three non-Jenn ladies, in the forms of Tiffani, Jamie, and Carla. (H/T to Psshwhatever for her brilliant and oh-so-telling tweet: “Funny that Mike always denigrates the female chefs and then just picked 3 of them, blind, based only on their food to help him.”) Blais gets a little closer to his original wishlist, successfully selecting Angelo in addition to Spike and Antonia. As Marcel leaves, everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief and toasts his departure with champagne and an impromptu dance party.
Now comes the important part: naming their restaurants. Blais, ever-the-whimsical (as he’ll be the first to tell you in a super serious voice as he comes close to tears and is clearly on the verge of vomiting), selects “Tongue & Cheek” as his restaurant’s name, which is both cute and kinda gross. Mike, in tribute to his youth, names his “Restaurant Iz,” after what we can only assume is his pre-op moniker.
On to the menus! Over on Team Iz, Mikey’s Angels’ suggestions are being roundly ignored by Captain Douche, who knows exactly what he wants: chocolate vinaigrette, plus some other stuff. Team Blais, on the other hand, is “ultra-collaborative” from the minute that tank of liquid nitrogen is opened. Blais’s plan is a protein explosion of sorts, to be capped off with a delicious Cap’n Crunch ice cream–wait, what’s that? I’m sorry, we’ve just gotten word from the godawful-decisions portion of Blais’s brain that he’ll be replacing Cap’n Crunch ice cream with foie gras ice cream instead. Fantastic. No chance that’ll turn out disgusting and lead all the judges to vomit on camera. None at all.
Enter Tom, who informs Mike that no one saw him getting into the finale. Like, nobody. His own mother is surprised that he has any skill. Shockingly, he has no such words for Blais, who’s pretty much been the favorite since before the cast was even announced. Now exit Tom, because it’s time for judging!
The cheftestants are set up at two different restaurants, each one with its own panel of judges. (Don’t worry—they’ll switch when they’re done!) Padma is captain of the blue team, which consists of legendary chefs Lydia Bastianich and Hubert Keller plus another guy who just so happens to be the man behind all the ridiculously unsubtle wine product placement. They begin at Tongue & Cheek and are treated to Blais’s “surf ‘n turf” menu which consists of:
- Raw oyster with crème fraiche pearls
- Raw hamachi with fried veal sweetbreads, garlic mayonnaise, and pickled celery
- Pork belly, black cod cutlet, bone marrow, beets, Brussels sprouts, and kumquat
- Beef short ribs with mushrooms, red cabbage marmalade, and celery root horseradish puree
- Foie gras ice cream with cornbread and whipped mango
The dining went well, and we saw the judges thoroughly enjoying the food. You know who else saw them enjoying the food? Top Chef’s own Spike “Mata Hari” Mendelssohn, aka Spy-ke, who eavesdropped on the judges comments with all the subtlety of Ke$ha while rocking one of his trademark Carmen Sandiego fedoras. However, his skills as a dick secret agent proved to be extremely useful, as he convinced Richard to fix up his revamped dessert to make it look a little more fit for a fancy feast instead of just looking like Fancy Feast.
At the same time, Tom and his crew—Gail Simmons, Art Smith, and host of the upcoming Top Chef Masters and all-around hot guy Curtis Stone are being served Mike’s Italian-influenced menu (did you know Mike was Italian? In other shocking news, Tiffany’s from Beaumont) of:
- Spiced beets with mozzarella truffle and chocolate vinaigrette
- Halibut with kumquat marmalade, cauliflower puree, and pancetta crumbs
- Glazed pork shoulder with pepperoni sauce(!), roasted cabbage, and turnips
- Rosemary caramel custard and pine nuts with citrus, celery, and apple
After catching their breath from multiple foodgasms, the judges took their place at the judgement table that totally hides the fact that they are wearing pajama pants. The judges had high praise for nearly all the food, which is especially meaningful for Mike because it is the first time he has actually pleased a woman. Gail admits to bathing in Mike’s pepperoni sauce because it makes her skin glow and rack huge. Tom can barely contain himself, exclaiming to Richard, “Hachi machi! That was some great hamachi!”
It’s time for the big announcement and friends and family gather around for the results. Noticeably absent was Richard’s wife who was only moments away from giving birth to a fauxhawk. Fortunately, Mike’s wife, who is 69 times more attractive than he should be able to get, could make it because she refuses to spawn with Mike as giving birth to a child who inherits his neck-size is not a risk she is willing to take. Channeling her inner-Seacrest, Padma pauses dramatically before revealing who will win the 200,000 Buitoni raviolis. The winner is… RICHARD BLAIS! Mikey rolls his eyes, Richard tears up, Antonia smiles with a blunt between her lips, Padma and Gail make out, Tom and Tre rub each others bald heads, and Carla runs around in a circle screaming “Beeeeeeeeef Tongue.”
And so, another season of Top Chef comes to an end. Blais can finally emerge from the padded cell where he’s spent the past two-and-a-half years in his rocking chair, contemplating his loss, and Mike and his wife can finally consummate their marriage, much to her chagrin. But, since only Blais leaves the show with a prize, we think it only fair that Mike at least get a musical sendoff, and so, from one New Jersey-ite to another… goodbye, JD. You truly did go down in a blais of glory.
DahlELama and The_Obvious both wanted Richard to win, but, more importantly, wanted Mike to lose. They hope that Carla will one day get her own show, preferably a variety hour featuring humorous skits, whimsical songs, and animal guests. They wish Antonia many happy snacks and choose never to think about Tiffany again.
What’s worse than hearing that one of your favorite shows is delayed for a year because of money squabbles between the “suits” that run the studio, the show creator, and the network? Well, how about the mind-boggling reasons behind the squabbles. It’s one thing to think the cause is some amorphous, “We think the show is great, now we want to figure out who gets what cut of the profit” reason. We expect this kind of behind-the-scenes dealings. And we’re willing to put up with it, since we know Hollywood is a grubby little greed-field full of hungry muskrats. But when the reasons bleed into the integrity of the show…well, that’s a whole other bag of bad.
Reports reveal that the continuing standoff between show creator Matt Weiner, AMC, and Lionsgate Television, is centered on a few main points. AMC/Lionsgate is asking for: integrating more product placement into the series, cutting 2 minutes from each episode’s running time in favor of more commercials and eliminating/reducing two regular cast members to save money. To which Weiner has basically said, “That’s some crazy shit that I’ll never agree to.” Considering what’s on the table if the deal goes through, this is an interesting position to take. He stands to make $30 million over two years and become the highest-paid showrunner on basic cable. Is he really this altruistic? Is he really putting the integrity of the show above his own desires for economic success? Well, for now it would seem that way.
And it’s not any wonder. We can tell that the show is a labor of love for Weiner. Granted the series is expensive to produce and the ratings still wouldn’t classify the show as a bonafide hit in the sense that Two and a Half Men is a bonafide hit (And I say this to make a point. Watch Mad Men folks). Invariably, the show struggles every season. But, the reason why it’s critically acclaimed and an award-winning program is the authenticity, the keen attention to detail, and the well-crafted artistic vision and workmanship Weiner has strived for. He knows that he has something worth its salt, and selling it out for cheap…well, that’s not in the cards for him at this moment. But it does make one wonder what AMC is thinking about their flagship series.
“This is their storied franchise, and they want it shorter and cheaper, with fewer actors and more product integration,” an insider said. “The negotiations are about to collapse as a result.”
Reps claim the negotiations are still underway, and Tuesday, in a bold move, AMC announced that the fifth season is slated to premiere in March of 2012 despite not having a deal with Weiner. This would be a clear deviation from the approach taken two years ago when similar negotiations occurred. AMC wanted 2 minutes of extra commercial load for the show. The two sides were able to reach a compromise and agreed to let the episodes run into the 11 PM hour so ad time could be added without having to shorten the scripts, but it looks bleak that a similar situation will unfold without some flexibility from the networks. This new deal would basically rescind the former arrangement, but would still leave Mad Men‘s running time 90% longer than most other basic cable shows. Which begs the question if basic cable is really the right place for a show like Mad Men, a show that has a sweeping storyline and relies heavily on the subtle evolving of its characters and their environment.
Personally, as a fan, I’d take two more minutes of commercials instead of haggling over more product placement, since in my opinion products can be worked into the show more seamlessly, so why negotiate? The whole fooking show is about advertising! The idea that the studio wants more advertising on a show about advertising when they do nothing but product placement in most every episode is just too meta for comprehension. What do they think stories that center around ads for Samsonite, London Fog, Honda, or Utz are? But the idea of cutting out beloved characters sounds ludicrous and empirically asinine. Who would they get rid of? Well, obviously Betty can go for a long walk off a short pier, but other than scowl-face, who else would we be willing to lose for the sake of saving a few bucks and making this show into a shilling pile of jokes between just Don and Roger like some sort of Martin and Lewis routine, eh? Yeah, I’m thinking what you’ll lose is the entire viewing audience.
Reports as of last night indicate that AMC may be walking back some of those original statements about cutting characters.
“They’re not asking Matt Weiner to change the show’s DNA, and they are not asking him to fire or cut two actors. That was part of a list of suggestions that they gave to him or to his people to monitor the budget on the show.”
Addressing the question of product integration, the source said, “[Product] integrations have been happening from season one. It’s not additional product placement, it’s basically being able to talk about the product placement in the show, it’s an issue of transparency about the product placement that has gone on since season one, so their partners can talk about it.”
However, Weiner’s camp maintains that AMC has indeed put cutting talent on the table.
Matthew Weiner told The Huffington Post that the issues of actor cuts, episode time cut and product integration were not merely suggestions, as indicated by a previous source, but instead were definite AMC demands.
“The casting is a hard and fast thing,” the source said. “They’re not making a suggestion, that’s not how these things work, that you cut your budget after you cut your deal. They said cut $1.5 million in cash expenses per year, which is the equivalent of two actors. They give you a number they want you to hit, and you have to hit it.”
The source added that the budget cut each year would require cutting two actors every year for three years, and not bit players. “Series regulars,” was how the source described the type of role that would have to be cut.
Apparently life is imitating art. Can’t you just see Campbell, Cosgrove, and Harry Crane, looking furtively at Don’s closed door hoping they don’t get called in? And since AMC has utilized their option with Lionsgate they’ve intimated that they can move forward with season 5 with or without Weiner…and that would be horrible. What would Mad Men then become? [Insert awful NBC show here.]
I just don’t know. Who do you believe? Hey, Weiner, maybe you better start answering some email from HBO!
[Top image via AMC]
Just when it seemed the reality show genre had hit its peak, “RuPaul’s Drag Race” appeared on the scene two years ago on the Logo Network.
The show’s competitors are so talented and have to be at the top of their creativity game given one week could have them dressing up as both the bride and the groom or impersonating a celebrity on “The Snatch Game.”
Now in its third season, the competition puts top drag queens from around the country against one another where they are put through a number of challenges to show off their “charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent.”
One of the most memorable contestants from the second season was Pandora Boxx. Ms. Boxx was a personal favorite because of her sense of humor and her fun looks on the runway. Plus, she does an amazing impersonation of Carol Channing.
Although she didn’t win the top spot during season two, she did walk away with the “Miss Congeniality” honors as determined by fans of the show. She also is a member of the faculty on “RuPaul’s Drag U.”
Ms. Boxx and I recently exchanged e-mails where I asked about her drag career, how she keeps going, and what’s next.
LeftCoastLady: How did you get started in doing drag?
Pandora Boxx: I was walking down the street and it was a drive-by lip glossing. My life was never the same.
LCL: How did your family and friends react?
PB: My friends thought it was different but loved it. They were all theater geeks like me so they got it. My family took longer to get into it. Once my Mom got the VIP treatment at the club I worked at, she loved it!
LCL: How has that changed over time, especially given your success?
PB: Everyone in my life is really happy for my success but they all still treat me the same. Though now when I get recognized they think it’s funny.
LCL: What keeps it fun/interesting for you?
PB: I love making people laugh and have a good time so that makes it fun for me.
LCL: One thing that many folks may not realize is the level of effort and dedication that goes into being a drag performer. Can you talk about what you have to do to get ready?
PB: There is so much work that no one sees! You’ve got to come up with the concept then you have to create the outfit, and the music mix for it. Hair, makeup. It’s a lot! Like my Bloody Mary dress for my Absolut commercial took about three weeks from planning to completion.
LCL: What made you want to audition for “RuPaul’s Drag Race”?
PB: I wanted to take my drag to the next level. Also because RuPaul’s name was attached, I knew it was going to be something special. I really wanted to see if my style of drag resonated with people. Fortunately it did! I’m so grateful for what the show has done for me.
LCL: How did the experience change your performances after the show?
PB: I’m still the same performer but it definitely invigorated what I do. I was going to quit drag before Drag Race because I felt it was going anywhere. I put it out into the universe that if drag didn’t change for me I was done. Well, the universe clearly said, “keep those panties on Fake Lady!” It changed in the biggest way possible so I found my passion for drag again.
LCL: Do you keep in touch with your fellow contestants from season 2?
PB: I do! It’s hard because we are all so busy and live all over the country but that’s why I love Facebook and texting! There will always be a sisterhood there because of our shared experience.
LCL: What advice or tips would you give to someone thinking of becoming a drag performer?
PB: Run away! Just kidding. Drag is a lot of work. If you do it well. Just know that. My biggest advice is to have fun with it. Be true to yourself and you can never go wrong.
Pandora Boxx has a lot of exciting things on the horizon, which you can learn more about by visiting her website, following her Twitter feed, or liking her Facebook page.
Photo Credit: Kevin Thomas Garcia Photography