With the unwanted departure of Splendorina (come back!), there has been a void in Top Chef foofaraw. I am here to assure you everything will be ok. The sous-vide machine is plugged in, the GE Monogram appliances are fully stocked, and Padma and Gails’ breasts have been hand-inspected by yours truly. It’s time for the finale of Top Chef! After such a strong start to the season Top Chef has been dragging its feet for the past few weeks, though it would have been hard to match the epic first elimination challenge (cook the dish that got you booted off the first time around). Maybe it’s because I don’t find myself rooting for either of the finalists but considering how epic the first five episodes were it’s kind of been a letdown. But after the waste of time of the D.C. season it’s still a step up, and it would be criminal to not have a quality breakdown of the final two contestants.
The somewhat surprising flame-outs of Angelo and Dale (and most shocking of all Jennifer’s Ep. 2 freakout) seemed to pave the way for a Richard Blais redemption. All season long the edits kept hammering home the point that Blais “choked” in his finale, and that everyone else saw him as their biggest competition. If the talking heads didn’t remind us that Richard was extremely neurotic and self-critical, it also painted him as an unlikely villain, talking down Carla’s simple food or acting like there weren’t any chefs of his caliber in the Top Chef house. I didn’t expect to find myself hating Blais, but thanks to the magic of Bravo editing I want him to fail miserably and succumb to all the stressors in life. You’re a fucking grown man, get a real hair cut and take some goddamn pride in your work, you’re fucking weak. But while I would like to see him fail, I don’t want to necessarily see him lose. And that is because of…
Jersey Mike! Oh, what a perfectly despicable reality show character Mike Isabella has become. Barely memorable in the Las Vegas season thanks to the greatest final four the show has ever seen, Isabella added twenty pounds and a whole lot of attitude for the All-Star season. From the first episode his talking heads have consisted of nothing but disparaging others for their so-called “simple” cuisine. As for his own cooking, I don’t recall him making anything particularly memorable or garnering a ton of praise from the judges. There was the whole “controversy” of Mike stealing Blais’ dish but as much as I dislike him that seems rather extraneous. He could be a fantastic chef and an overall quality human being, but there is just something so eminently hatable about Jersey Mike. His terrible wardrobe consisting of Ed Hardy/Affliction t-shirts, copious use of hair gel, oh did I mention the misogyny? Because it’s pretty obvious after two seasons that Jersey Mike does not have much respect for women in the kitchen. Throw in the constant “Eyy I’m Italiano!” references and it’s enough to make you under-cook your Buitoni ravioli. I want Mike to lose and I want him to lose badly. I want Richard to dump a tank of liquid nitrogen on his greasy hair and shatter it with a hammer.
Who do you think is going to take home the title? Also, to further discussion, what were your favorite moments of the season? Aside from the awesome season opener, I thought Restaurant Wars was pretty incredible. The way Marcel’s team kind of just threw him under the bus before things even started was a bit sad but equally hilarious. Tre’s awkward laugh destroyed any notions of going gay, Antonia became a hero to high school stoners everywhere and Carla continued her reign as greatest Top Chef contestant ever. Hootie Hoo!
