We have reached the merciful, God-fearing, flag covered, chastity belt wearing, boot scoot boogeying end of this, the longest season on American Idol history. J.Lo’s legs couldn’t squeeze more cheese out of this show had they been wrapped around Seacrest’s neck. In summary, it was a little bit country and not at all rock and roll – a good old fashioned ho-down! Continue reading
It’s down to the trifecta of terrific or the triangle of terror, depending on your persepective (I won’t tell you how happy that this season is winding down but it’s something like this). It’s three for three Wednesday – three singtestants sing three songs. Bring out the big dogs, Ryan! By that I mean Beyonce in her booty shorts, of course. What did SUPERWEAVESTAR Beyonce have to say to the Idolettes? Let’s take a look and see if we liked it enough to put a ring on it. Continue reading
It’s the final four, chickens. How do your brackets look? Are they busted or did you pick Duke to win it all? I’m not going to lie. This is the most insane season of Idol yet. It could be because I started watching 10 years ago and even though none of us have aged, and Yo Dawg has not expanded his vocabulary one syllable, the show has become the babbling, shoulder-tapping teenager outside the convenience store who just will not let up until he gets his 12-pack of Keystone.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: A country singer, a gospel singer, a rocker, Alfred E. Newman and a harlot walk into a bar. There they meet an Old Lady named Paula, a Dawg and a woman named Jenny who was just walking around the block and stopped in to ask for directions. In the bar, they see a stage with a lone microphone dangling from the hand of a tiny, tiny, tiny man in a suit. They decide to have a good old fashion singing competition…
Elton John and Bernie Taupin created the songs that are the soundtracks to major motion pictures, Broadway musicals and generations of people the world over. So what would this week come down to? SONG CHOICE! With all the perfect, amazingly written and arranged songs the John/Taupin duo has gifted to the universe, of course it would come down to song choice, wouldn’t it? Because America voted off Casey last week, and the judges shot him from a cannon right back into the competition the coveted one-time-only Judges Save, we had eleven contestants to serenade us. Eleven will enter; nine will return. Oh the drama! Let’s go to the tape.
**Author’s Note: I wonder when American Idol’s interns will realize that the video link to the performances on the American Idol page says “What the performances again” (yes, I typed that correctly).
Wheat:
Hey. Where’s your boyfriend? He’s gone isn’t he? Yeah, mine too. That little tart Hailey slinked on the piano, dismounted the thing with the grace of a baby bird leaving the nest for the first time, and then finished her delivery of a sassy, jazzy version of…Benny and the Jets? Yep. The love child of Joan Osborne and Natasha Bedingfield found her sweet spot and created “a moment” for herself. Good for her. Goooooood fooooor her.
Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of Randy back-peddling faster than Seacretin after announcing that his boyfriend’s name is Julian. He means Julianne! Julianne Hough, the female country singer/Dancing with the Stars champion! What were you thinking? The back-peddling is because Pia gave Randy the big middle finger and went with “Don’t Think I’m Not Gonna Sing Whatever The Hell I Want Let The Sun Go Down On Me.” It was another ballad, not something up-tempto, and she sang it so well that she made The Old Lady cry inside. Not the gentle cry of a few tears, but the howling ugly cry, contorted face and all. Oh, that’s how she normally looks? I see…
Our disembodied, back from the dead, gingerbread head got a beard trim. Nope. Still not talking about Ryan’s girlfriend – sheesh! Casey actually trimmed his unruly firebush upon the recommendation from one of the producers that he cut it off so that America can see his face. He didn’t go all the way, but we finally could see that there was something attaching his cranium to his corpus. Fact of the matter is, he picked THE SONG, “Your Song,” and he sang it well. It wasn’t Ewan McGregor in the elephant but it was sweet and heart-felt and that’s exactly how that song should be sung.
Little Lauren ain’t worried about a hot dang thing. She’s so solid in this. I would not be surprised if she Carrie Underwood-ed this entire season. Just you watch. On a related note, this may be our first all female final since season 3.
Chaff
Presented without comment:
What’s that you say, Country Crooner? You picked the only Elton song that had the word “country” in it? You don’t say. Lack of creativity? Check. Safe bet? Not so fast. But our little Crooner add-libbed a “Love you, grandma!” right into the middle of his song the hearts of the elderly ladies across this fine country of ours just melted. Puke. Truth is, every song he sings sounds like every other song he sings which sounds like every song you’ve heard on country radio. So, what happens to him on Idol hardly even matters. He’ll head to Nashville and get a recording contract.
African Earth Mother just booked her job at The Sandals resort in Montego Bay for a season. Good thing, Naima, because America is done with you. Well, except that many will see you on their honeymoon and at some point during your performance of the reggae version of “Sweet Caroline,” Kathy will turn to her new husband Bo, and ask him if he remembers where she’s seen this woman before. He will take a sip of his piña colada, slap his hand against his thigh, turn to Kathy and say “I don’t know, babe.” Kathy will continue to wonder about this as Diana DeGarmo joins Naima on the stage for a rousing rendition of “When You Believe.”
What’s a male diva called? A divo? Well, folks. Our resident over-singer Jacob went full-on D-I-V-O last night. He was just standing there in the middle of the stage singing “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word” as the building crashed down around him, people fled the theater, stars exploded in the sky as our divo manned the stage like the captain of the Titanic.
Remember Michigan J. Frog? Okay, Stefano is my Michigan J. Frog. I carry him around in a shoe box and when it’s just me and him, he comes out with gleaming smile, his top hat and cane and just puts on a show! And then I put him back in his shoe box and take him to The Old Lady, Venus from the Block and the Dawg, and he just sits there. I even try to take him to a bar and show the locals what he can do so maybe I can get some free drinks and still, nothing. He’s infuriatingly inconsistent! I fear Stefano will always be Almost Famous.
Where does one find a rose-covered suit, an Elvis-impersonator’s garage sale? He’s like a magician with his bright white Julia Roberts smile, and his fake tan and his perfectly placed hair: look over here so you don’t see what’s going on over here which is the slow murder of your ears. Again, I just can’t with this guy.
TOE-TOUCH! I have been momentarily rendered speechless.
How do you solve a problem like Megia? She is a woman-child. Poor thing thinks she has to prove herself by singing songs that are much, much older than she is. I get it, I guess. She’s a bebe but doesn’t want to seem like the goofy, awkward girl who can’t walk in heels (she can’t) in a world of hardened performers who have been dropping CD’s at studios for years and performing in Coffee Plantations all over Los Angeles. Doesn’t work. Never has. Is Randy Jackson married? I noticed a ring. Anyhoo…
As the house boy band returned to the mansion, all but one sharing a knowing look before retreating to their respective rooms, Casey sat alone in the quiet and darkened kitchen. He knows. He knows they are all plotting against him. He knows that for the rest of this competition, he has a target on his back. But he also knows that tonight, he did it. He did it. He picks himself up from the table, gives props to the Taylor Hicks in the sky, and retires to his room to sing another day.
Bottom Three: Thia Megia, Stefano, Naima
UPDATE/SPOILER ALERT: Well that wasn’t a surprise. Our bird of paradise, Naima, and baby bird, Thia Megia, flew away tonight. Remember, if you love something, VOTE FOR IT ON AMERICAN IDOL or it will die a slow death of a reality TV star.
Gather round, chickens and I will tell you of the time that the Idols were handed the iconic music of Motown. Motown is some of the most singable music and yet, there are definitely some tracks of tears from the Idol stage all the way back to Hitsville, U.S.A. from some of our hopefuls. We are down to eleven, which means that not only will one unlucky Idolette will get the boot from the show tomorrow, but also from the tour and the planet. We all knew that this was going to be the equivalent of the triple jump at the Olympics for our Country Crooner, but for the rest of them, this should be easy, breezy cover band, right? Let’s just see about that.
The Good:
Thia Megia brought on a “Heat Wave” worthy of the Arizona summer. The youngin’ made it hotter than The Old Lady’s crotch in that Cache jumpsuit. Her rich tone and youth was perfectly suited for this Martha and the Vandellas ditty. Too bad it seemed like a magician cut her body in three because her head, torso and legs seemed to be separate from each other. All in all, Pochahontas redeemed herself.
That little Southern firecracker Lauren just keeps on hanging on. She is so very Kelly Clarkson that it is uncanny, even at this stage in the game. Her raspy voice and sassafrass did The Supremes well and she looked cute, too.
Jacob sang a duet with himself which is perfect on so many levels. Does he really need anyone else when he is making so much love to the audience and his own voice. You just can’t sing a DUET with your ego. I discovered, however, after watching for the show for the second time (yes, this is what I do for you, chickens. I watch the show twice to make sure there’s something I don’t miss), that if you don’t watch Jacob, he sounds better. So, after my initial angry typing of HATE HATE HATE, if you just listen to him and block out all the bunny impressions, he did well.
We knew this was going to happen but why oh why oh WHY did Country Crooner Edward E. Newman take on Stevie Wonder? I need brain bleach. It’s not that it was bad, but it made me want to cry because only Stevie should be able to “For Once in My Life.” I think they are going to make single out of that song and I bet it will do really well. Because he’s an American. A real American. Anyone want to bet me that it will be a certain Alaskan politician’s campaign song on 2012?
It pains me, PAINS me to put Paul McCreepster in on this side of the dividing line but he didn’t make me grab my rape whistle. He (thankfully) stood in one place and strummed his gee-tar and sang well enough. So there you go.
The Unacceptable:
Fozzie Wozzie is no Joe Cocker. Fozzie Wozzie was terrible – shocker! Fozzie is mad about something. Maybe it was all that Teen Spirit he was smelling last week. He scrunted “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” while performing that perilous trick of singing and walking at the same time. Not only did he look like a chicken searching for food, he sounded like he was being chased by the farmer at dinner time. Fozzie Galifianakis is too big for his beard. Time to knock him down a few pegs.
Did Stephano screw up the words colossally or did someone actually choose that arrangement? Lionel Richie should be rolling over in his grave. Don’t tell me he’s alive because he died last night hearing that jumble of words that was once his song. We really need to re-visit this video. It’s just the funniest, oddest concept. He’s a professor stalking his student – his blind student – and he asks “is it me you’re looking for?”
But I digress. Stefano, dear, you’re in trouble.
The thing about that girl you never liked in high school is that there really isn’t one thing you can point to that makes you dislike her. Well, except that time she made a play for your boyfriend. It seems that she just tries too hard all the time. All the time. And she made The Old Lady start screeching in her seat. Was Simon under there somewhere?
You know what’s not fair? Idol. You can be on top one week, and the bottom the next. I told Pia. I told her not to do this. She sang well enough but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Yes, it was so Miss America – so pretty, so perfect. Too perfect. Better pick up the pace, picante.
That’s it. No more chances for African Earth Mother Naima. She tries to hard to be different and tonight was just silliness. She finally sang mostly on key but then she went and felt the need to really “connect to her ancestors” so she threw in some African dance. Um yeah no. Miss Ross never did that and neither should you, Naima.
Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt apparently thinks that “Living for the City” is a song about a man named Stefan who reviews the club scene for tourists visiting New York. Well, New York’s hottest club is called NO. It has Lambasters (Adam Lambert impersonators), screeching Seacretins, and babies wearing chain-covered leather jackets dancing on the bar. It’s not a place anyone should visit.
Bottom Three: Hailey (her name is written on one of the seats), Stephano, Naima.
UPDATE: So America put Thia, Stefano and Casey in the bottom three. Each deserving of it (despite my blind spot with Thia). Casey was going home until enough bleeped out moments lead to him being saved by the judges and then more bleeped out moments followed. Good job, Idol. Congrats, America. This is your 2011 Taylor Hicks.
Last night we all got to see the top 12 boys individually perform for the first time [you know, rather than in a half-assed montage]. From the start I knew I hated this year’s male line-up because Scotty McBarotone was there, but more on him later. Also I’m sure that ‘new’ 360 experience induced feelings of motion sickness in many viewers.
The show began with JLo marching out in all her glory, only to be immediately taken down a notch by Seacrest. Something about how she cried last week, old news. Though I have to say, in comparison to previous episodes she actually looks pretty bad; that 1990’s hairstyle does not flatter her face structure and ear flaps.
Let’s fastforward away from Jlo and stupid banter [because we can do that] and get on to the mantestants and their TWELVE [oh man, so many!] performances.
– I provided pictures from their RW-style intro pieces for your reading pleasure.
1. 
Boy was Clint awkward, his brick-like giant red shoes stifled his hyper dancing so he ended up shuffling around like a zombie that’s craving the brains of a nerd with thick-rimmed glasses. Maybe it was the cheesy light-blocks behind him or the awful background accompaniment, but I didn’t like it. He added no soul to a song that is SUPPOSED to be soulful. I don’t think he’ll do well in the next elimination episode for three major reasons: he went first in a long line-up [forgettable], he was mean to the insecure chubby kid in the group auditions, his glasses.
2. 
This kid just sounded so awful. However, it may have just been me, because I think it takes me a few episodes to get used to how grating the backup music sounds on this show. As of now, it seriously reminds me of a poor version of Eurovision. Why does all the production value go to the lighting? Whoops, I already forgot everything about #2 [can’t even be bothered to read his name].
3. 
Oh god, so if you ever wanted to hear usher sound like shit, or listen to usher with bronchitis with accompaniment by your little sisters keyboard, here you are. Have fun with it.
I’m glad at least the judges didn’t like it, and I enjoyed the post-singing banter:
Note: This is the same guy who was a complete jerk to all of his team mates during the group-auditions. During that stage, I don’t think he realized he not only has to succeed by getting into the semi-finals – but he also has to appear likable to a general audience. However, America’s collective memory is decidedly bad, so if he keeps being attractive and ups his live performance abilities he’ll probably go far. America’s bad memory is why I gave two other reasons for why Clinty Glasses to do poorly in this competition, maybe we’ll all forget about how big of a jerk he is to chubsters by next week.
4: 
Jim Halpert, no wait, Tim Halperin. This is the first time I remember seeing him, though I didn’t watch the initial auditions nor the 2 hour long episode with the final 24 ‘reveal’.
I thought this guy was actually good. I was wondering if anyone’s vocals would be capable of compensating for the shitty theater acoustics and background music, but I think he pulled it off. And by that, I mean he was tolerable. However, judges didn’t like it. No skin off my back because he made a boring song choice.
5. 
Ew, this guy. I don’t know why he thought that whispering a Doors song while dancing and prancing around awkwardly was a good idea [are you convinced yet that he’s a forest pixie?] I love that Jlo called him out about how he flips his hair more than Willow Smith.
6. 
High-note Asperger’s kid.
I was ready to pass him off as a less entertaining Shauvaghn (from last season), because he shares her tendency to make unnecessary high-notes in the middle/end of songs. But I was surprised how well his vocals paired with the shitty guitar music he sang along with. So I guess some voices do match perfectly with the AI house band. On the otherhand, I noticed his singing was altered to have an echo effect, does that count as an unfair advantage in a singing competition? He’s not going to do well in the inevitable Frank Sinatra episode
Half-time intermission: I want to discuss how fantastic Jlo is as a judge! This new lineup is working perfectly so far, much better than the Abdul or Kara of season’s past. Maybe it’s because there is less time devoted to the judge’s incessant ramblings in these early episodes so they’re forced make their comments concise & clear, but for the most part the judges are behaving like they’re actually competent. Good on them!
7. 
This kid is a good singer, but he could do with some more charisma. That is all.
8. 
I hate Scotty McBarotone. It’s not an irrational hate, I swear!
a. He just doesn’t doesn’t deserve to be there
b. Baby lock them doors, it looks like he’s put on some self tanner in this episode [like the pompous jerk he is]
c. He has a chronic case of babyface so it looks like he stepped out of a Pixar film.
d. He doesn’t have any range to his voice and he can’t possibly sing anything that isn’t country. AI isn’t just a singing competition, it’s a versatility+charisma competition.
I’ll admit I was a bit pissed off that he sounded good in this episode. His time on the chopping block will come though, oh yes, it will come.
9. 
Stefano was pretty good, mainly because he made a great song choice that heavily worked towards his advantage. He is basically a replicate of Bruno Mars, except he chooses to hold his notes for a longer amount of time.
10. 
I’ve never liked this guy’s high-pitched (and yet) raspy voice. It’s one or the other dude, you’re going to end up like those dudes in Maroon 5. Of course he sang a Rod Stewart song, but kid, you’re no Rod Stewart. To make up for that unchangeable detail he danced around the stage with his arms flailing about like he had a strange form of epilepsy. Though I am impressed by how white his teeth are.
11. 
We’ll be seeing more of this guy, he’s pretty fun to watch. Top 5 material? Probably not.
12. 
This guy made me laugh, even though it sounded like he was singing a prelude to beating up his wife. I guess that’s what the song was meant to do? This is the first time I’ve perceived that dark/jealous side to that song. Maybe that’s because of the influence Hocus Pocus had on my childhood. (my ten-year-old self is screaming out, “I put a spell on you is about magic! Not jealousy!”)
I love how was just yelling at one point, I was cracking up.
Do any of you crasstalkers even watch this show? Season 9 was the first time I watched a whole season since Kelly beat Justin. I think I was re-drawn to it because the top 12 were leaked and I wanted to see their progression from awkward auditions to being the ‘best’ of the season. Added a whole new level of drama, I guess. This season, I just let my TV addiction get the best of me.
So, how’d ya’ll like dem boys?
