life

46 posts

What Your Pet’s Name Actually Says About You

Your pets. They have names. If yours do not, name them immediately, because it’s really demoralizing not to have one. There’s a lot of armchair analysis of what your pets’ names say about you out there; in fact, Jezebel had an article on this topic just a couple days ago.

It made me think: Who are you to speculate on what pets’ names mean? Being “an unmarried lady who is heading full steam ahead toward age 30” as our intrepid Jez author is, doesn’t convince me of your bona fides. More to the point, the article itself really cemented my snap judgement of said qualifications.

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The Lazy Girl’s Guide to Moving

So! In the Lazy Girl’s Guide to Being Pretty, we discussed how you can look hot without moving too much or putting on pants without elastic waistbands. Because we’re lazy. Now, we’re going to tackle something everyone, but especially lazy people, absolutely dread: moving.

I’ve moved at least ten times in ten years. God, it could even be more; I’m too lazy to count. Some of these moves have been cross-country; some have been cross-city. It doesn’t really matter– it’s all a hell of sweat, swearing, and lifting or carrying heavy things. I have, however, discovered along the way, a few tips to help you move, and a few more tips to help those of us who keep getting evicted having to relocate. Continue reading →

Why I Like My Dog More Than I Like You

I’m not sure if it’s hormones (yes, boys, they’re not a myth!) or stress or maybe a divine enlightenment of sorts, but lately I’ve been more in tune with just how obnoxious citizens of this Earth are. In fact, the other night (while sipping on a big glass of red wine, natch) I was having a conversation with a friend when this topic came up. I was tired, a wee bit drunk and I needed to vent. I was getting very riled up and I remember my friend telling me to slow down because I was talking a mile a minute. I took a deep breath and that’s when the words slipped out of my mouth: “I swear, I like my pets so much more than people!”

I was dead serious …. and here’s why: Continue reading →

Taxi!

It bothers me when people berate cab drivers. In New York, the city would slam to a stop without these people who sit behind the wheel twelve hours a day and take you where you need to go. Critics say they drive like maniacs, they don’t know where they’re going, they’re always trying to scam passengers, and they don’t want to go to Brooklyn or Queens.

Back in the day, when I was devoid of both driver’s license and car, Butch would wait for me when I got off the commuter rail train in the bowels of Lawrence, Massachusetts. It was not a part of town where a young woman should be alone. Rarely did a cop bother to show up when the train came in. I was often asked if I was “selling” when attempting to cross the bridge over the Merrimack to the desolate downtown, where I could save two dollars on a taxi cab. That’s when I began hopping into Butch’s taxi. Continue reading →

The Twister

The gravestones can be seen now, from the far side of Meadow Lake. They rise, chunks of slate embedded into a green hill, into a blue sky, looking like a skyline for a town of the dead. Massive oak and weeping willows once gave the dead privacy, but those trees are no more. Continue reading →

What We Can Learn From Loss

My dearest GeeGomOn March 28th, my world changed forever. Four weeks after a car accident that left her in a coma, my Grandmother took her last breath (with the help of a ventilator) and went into the most peaceful sleep anyone could imagine. Or that’s how I think of it, anyway.

The events that led up to that moment are unchangeable. A woman drove through a stop sign going 40 mph and slammed into the side of a car that was driven by my Aunt. Her sister was in the passenger seat, while their mother and youngest sister sat in the back seat. They were driving my Grandmother to a doctor’s appointment. After the initial hit, the car driven by my Aunt flipped several times before landing on the roof. The police were called, ambulances came, the jaws of life were used and everyone was brought to the hospital alive.  Continue reading →

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of May 14

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHXGn0pjAGw

Men! Man your battle-stations! Women! Woman your battle-stations! Children! Shouldn’t you be in school? Oh, it’s the weekend? FINE! Child your battle-stations! Little Birds, an alien threat is upon us. They wish to destroy our entire way of life. They wish to destroy the squirrels. They wish to destroy the hippopotamuses. They wish to destroy our supermarkets and our bodegas.  They wish to destroy our LensCrafters. They wish to destroy our embassies. They wish to destroy Disneyland. They wish to destroy Disney World. They have issued a press release stating that the do not wish to destroy Disney California Adventure because they think that one’s kind of fun. Rubes! Rubes we say! Philistines! Philistines we shriek! They even, and we’re struggling to say this. It’s like all of the air has been Dyson’d out of our bodies, but, we’re going to try. Birds, they wish to destroy…

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Life, Death and Violence: A Study of May 11

Little birds, while researching today’s article, we came across some shocking news. Barbie™, everyone’s favorite doll, was, at one time, an SS Hauptsturmführer known as The Butcher of Lyon. She tortured men, women, and children (we assume this is why Kelly™ always looks like she’s afraid of something despite living the glamorous life of a plastic doll in Los Angeles) through electroshock and forcing them to have sex with dogs. That’s right. Everyone’s favorite Special Education Teacher/Paratrooper/Pet Stylist is a murderer who was put on trial for her war crimes today in 1987. We assume she was declared innocent (though, clearly, she wasn’t) as she became President of the United States in 2000, stealing Hilary Clinton’s glory after a previous failed attempt in 1992. Perhaps her crimes were still in the memories of our nation’s peoples. Perhaps that’s why she lost to the nation’s First Black President™, Billiam Clinton.

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