http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHXGn0pjAGw
Men! Man your battle-stations! Women! Woman your battle-stations! Children! Shouldn’t you be in school? Oh, it’s the weekend? FINE! Child your battle-stations! Little Birds, an alien threat is upon us. They wish to destroy our entire way of life. They wish to destroy the squirrels. They wish to destroy the hippopotamuses. They wish to destroy our supermarkets and our bodegas. They wish to destroy our LensCrafters. They wish to destroy our embassies. They wish to destroy Disneyland. They wish to destroy Disney World. They have issued a press release stating that the do not wish to destroy Disney California Adventure because they think that one’s kind of fun. Rubes! Rubes we say! Philistines! Philistines we shriek! They even, and we’re struggling to say this. It’s like all of the air has been Dyson’d out of our bodies, but, we’re going to try. Birds, they wish to destroy…
Our Enemies are Monsters
Terrorists from Outer Space! Osama bin LiGeMen*! But we have a strategy. We’re going to destroy everything before they can get here! It’s genius, really, as far as we’re concerned given that the aliens aren’t due for another 100 years at the earliest. You know how on Star Trek they have warp drive? Yeah. That isn’t scientifically possible. You know how they have teleporters that can beam them down to other planets? Yeah, that is possible, but if you were to transfer a human that way, they would be murdered and the being on the other side would be a clone. That’s why teleportation is only viable for package delivery, and do you really want to be responsible for putting Fry and Leela out of work? Yeah, we didn’t think so. So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to take these precious column inches to detail exactly what must be done to destroy the planet before aliens from the Aquamarine Lagoon of the Planet Zecron in the Abe Vigoda** star system arrive on our wimpy little planet full of wimpy, underdeveloped simians. Prepare to say goodbye to everyone you know, everyone you love and every building you’ve ever thought about jumping off of in the effort to make the coolest kersplat sound in the history of radio because it’s Life, Death and Violence and we’re about to get pre-apocalyptic. We’ve only got 100 years, guys. Every minute counts.
Goodbye Joseph
Goodbye Joseph
LIFE!
(We will crush life to save life)
Step 1 in our plan to destroy the world. Create a globalized economy through easy transportation: Born in 1813, Charles Beyer was the son of a weaver, so you just knew he’d grow up to be somethin’ pivotal in the Industrial Revolution. His parents couldn’t afford his tuition, but they sent him to school anyways because some guy at city hall saw his drawings and got him a place at a good school and they didn’t want to offend him for chrissakes (Tip: offending people is a great way to destroy people and, more importantly, destroy the world before the arrival of the Zecronians). This really wealthy woman gave a nice dinner to the student who had the best marks that week and Charlie lived off that meal so he always made sure to do better than everyone. No wonder the aliens want to destroy us when this is how we treat our talent. Anyways, he searched around for work and then ended up at this Sharp, Roberts and Co. place that focused on weaving technologies, which we guess appealed to Beyer since his daddy was a weaver, but then they began to focus on locomotive design because, really, that pays more and because, well, you know, weaving was so 18th century and, come on, they lived in the zoom zoom 1840s. It was nothing but coke off of some actor’s upper thigh before a BJ back then. Or would that be opium? Can you snort opium? Well, Beyer began to design Sharp locomotives all by himself and they were so solid and so beautiful that the King of Saxony exclusively bought Sharpe locomotives for the Saxony Railways (the Southwest Airlines of its day) so he did what any successful young executive with big dreams and investors with bigger wallets does. He bought more opium. He started his own company which became, like, the Lady Gaga of automotive companies, best known for their Beyer-Garratt Steam Locomotive. After the Zecronians of the Fuchsia Lagoon discovered that we’d begun to destroy the protective atmosphere, they phoned the Zecronians of the Aquamarine Lagoon to try to talk them out of the invasion because Earth really is just not worth it but then they said “This is a planet that allowed Mary Hartman Mary Hartman to last more than one season” and then hung up. The Aquamaranian Zecronians are a vicious people. Perhaps their floors too had a waxy yellow buildup and couldn’t get it out. Considering the aforementioned salvation of Disney California Adventure, we’re just going to go with the “The Aquamaranian Zecronians Have Bad Taste” theory.
Step 2 (Part A) In the Destruction of Earth to Prevent Zecronian Invasion: Destroy the Culture by Reducing Journalism into a Fawning Puppy Obsessed with Tabloid Coverage. Born in 1943, this harlot slut whore waste of space feminist icon woman, Elizabeth Ray, worked for a Congressman. They had sexual relations (we can only assume that their relationship involved doing drugs off of body parts). What we’re shocked by is that it’s a Democrat with a sex scandal. Oh wait, no we’re not. Because when the Republicans have sex scandals it’s with boys, right? Right. Anyways, her sexxxy boss, Wayne Hays of the Great State of Cedar Point Ohio had his career ended when the press got wind of his affair with Miss Virginia 1975. That’s why you should never have sex, little birds, unless, of course, you’re young, attractive and nowhere near a politician (Exhibit B: Bill and Monica). She told the papers “I can’t type, I can’t file, I can’t even answer the phone,” which, come on. You can answer a phone. “Congressman Hays’ office.” Aint that hard gworl. Aint. That. Hard. All you had to do to learn how to operate in an office setting was watch Thoroughly Modern Millie. You couldn’t spare the time? Even the Zecronians like Carol Channing. They mentioned it in their press release that spared Disney California Adventure. Come on Sexcretary Rays. Oh wait. Julie Andrews was trying to marry her boss in that movie. You did watch it! Still, we think you can do better than that and you had no business attempting a career as a stand up comedienne if you couldn’t even tell a simple office joke because you lacked a brain with enough functionality to work in an office. We’re sure you’re smart and witty and fabulous now (just like Monica Lewinsky), but, be honest, you peaked with Playboy. And that’s just what the planet wanted. To destroy your reputation and sensationalize your life in order to feed the gossip storm that will turn the minds of our people to mush, forcing us to make terrible decisions and defeating the Zecronians! Long Live Elizabeth Ray! Long Live Earth!
Step 2 (Part B) In the Destruction of Earth to Prevent Zecronian Invasion: Destroy the Culture by Destroying the Music: Birds, we’ve fallen to this part of the plan because we were going to make some jokes about Beardyman, born in 1982, because, well, his name is Beardyman and because he does beat box, but, we’re (at the moment of writing this) are watching one of his shows (Live in the Underbelly) and are mesmerized, captivated, enthralled and shocked. Dudebro’s funny. This is what they want us to think, of course. It’s the great hipster conspiracy to destroy comedy and music in order to protect Earth. Good job, Beardyman! Valiant soldier in the fight against interstellar beings! Anyways, you people look like you want to know a little something about this guy who’s puffing out his cheeks. Beardyman was born in London and is called Beardyman because he needed a name for an early show and it was last minute and he had a beard and the best he could come up with at the time was Beardyman. The moniker stuck and Beardyman reached for fame. He was UK BeatBoxer of the year in 2006 and 2007 before serving as a judge in 2008. His shows are famous for its use of live looping which allows him to improv through audience interaction which he records and mixes. Fall to the power of Beardyman! Save the planet! The Zecronians cover their ears and squirm at the mere mention of his name! Earth Forever!
They’re Coming.
DEATH!
(We promise the loss of your meager, unimportant life will not be in vain)
DEAD by Tuberculosis (for men) Step 3 In the Destruction of Earth to Prevent Zecronian Invasion: A slow, but steady, annihilation of The French™. Why The French™? Because they’re responsible for a very large chunk of our world’s reputable culture. Step 3 has been partially completed thanks to the 1643 death of King Louis XIII, known as “The Father of the Most Ostentatious King in the History of Ever” as well as “Louis the Just” who was killed by the most French™ of all diseases: Yes, little birds, it was tuberculosis. Americans consume and they get fat. The French™ consume and cough blood. Anyways, he had a hand in founding L’Académie française, that very French™ place that decides what is and isn’t good for the French™ “language.” The Battle of Rocroi happened a week after his death and basically ended the mighty military of the Spanish peoples. Louis was a huge stutterer (they made the movie about the English guy because the English are a lot more relatable than The French™), but what’s really interesting is that he had a second row of teeth behind the front row. K-R-E-E-P-Y, yo! Lou was totally gay, but was the worst kind of gay. The one who had you executed or totally shunned you the second you did something wrong. And he could do that! Why? KING OF FRANCE, BRAH! He’s very popular on Zecron for some reason and they took his death badly. However, we just built Versailles and went all cray cray*** in regards to parties and cake and stuff which, we guess, is why we, and by we, we mean The French Who Want Liberation From Monarchy™, had everyone’s head chopped off, which reminds us: Don’t you just love bagel guillotines?
BAGELS BAGELS BAGELS BAGELS BAGELS BAGELS Clever! Step 4 has been completed in specific portions of the world (we won’t say which): Making the world too fat and lazy to actually achieve any progress in bettering the planet. What goes on everything? Ketchup! Who invented ketchup? Heinz! Who died in 1919? Henry J Heinz who decided upon that 57 number totally randomly! He did like the number 7 though, because, hey!, lucky number 7, right? The kid Heinz started selling vegetables from a basket when he was 8. We wish our parents let us sell vegetables from a basket when we were 8. Maybe then we’d be condiment billionaires. Heinz also went to Duffman! Business School, graduated, and started selling bricks. Wait. Bricks? Yes. When he was 29, he founded F&J Heinz with his brother and his cousin. They made ketchup. People liked it and twelve years later, he bought them out and founded the HJ Heinz company that the John Kerry Re-Election Fund knows and loves today! Heinz was also super notable for his decent treatment of workers and sanitary conditions for food processing. Yay! You weren’t featured in The Jungle. Yay! However, we have received reports that the Aquamaranian Zecronians love John Kerry (and to a lesser extent, because of his wife, ketchup) so they may or may not be coming to steal the world supply of Heinz. Difficult decision: Destroy the planet so the Zecronians don’t destroy it or don’t destroy it in hopes that the Zecronians are only after our sweet, supple variation on tomato paste. Let’s destroy the planet. We’ve already executed Step 5 with astonishing success.
My Way Step 5: The Death of Frank Sinatra and the complete removal of his memory and his music from the next generation of leaders. Replace with some short, ugly Canadian kid with a bad haircut. Ol’ Blue Eyes, dead today of old age and other stuff in 1998, sang a bunch of songs and acted in some movies and had some links to the mob and supported some presidents and sent letters asking to be an FBI snitch and might have been a Communist and boinked some hookers and did some drugs and had a Soviet doctrine named after him and had a famous singin’ daughter, but, hey! look! It’s the kid! The one with the haircut! Hi kid with haircut! What were we talking about again? That’s right. Nothing and nobody. All according to plan. The Aquamaranian Zecronians are going to find nothing but a couple of broken down steel penises and maybe some cows. We sure do breed a lot of cows, don’t we?
Must be mad
VIOLENCE!
(Will there even be any?)
This is what the Zecronians will find. - 1940: BANG! CRASH! POW! BAM! The Nazi Army, by power of Luftwaffe, bombs Rotterdam, the second largest city in the Netherlands, ending the Battle of Netherlands after the Dutch surrender in order to prevent other cities from similar destruction. Thank god Amsterdam was spared. Thankfully though, Rotterdam rebuilt and is now super cool again. Just not as cool as Amsterdam. Germany wanted The Netherlands as a base during the preparations for Operation Sea Lion, an invasion plan that was never executed thanks to a British victory in the Battle of Britain. The Zecronians can learn a lot from World War 2. Namely that we will not bomb our marijuana havens, yet we will mercilessly kill each other for sport. You guys really think you can make it in time? Really? The Fuschia Council told you the chances were slim and still you make the journey? Okay. Just don’t bomb Amsterdam. Got it?
OTHER NEAT STUFF THAT HAPPENED
(That won’t matter when the planet has been successfully destroyed one week before Zecronian arrival)
- 1607: Jamestown is founded. Americans will eventually destroy the world to save the world.
- 1796: Edward Jenner creates a smallpox vaccine. Supervirus’ will eventually destroy the world to save the world.
- 1836: Treaties of Velasco are signed, making Texas an independent republic, but not really because the Mexican government didn’t approve them so they’re not technically legal, nor are they technically treaties. Lawyers will eventually destroy the world to save the world.
- 1939: Lina Medina becomes a mommy at the ripe old age of 5. Kindergarten pregnancy will eventually destroy the world to save the world
- 1948: Israel becomes it’s own nation, panic ensues. Someone involved will eventually destroy the world to save the world, but only if they can find an unblemished red heifer.
- 1973: Skylab is launched. Our desire for knowledge will eventually destroy the world to save the world.
Because sometimes, you just have to show how much you love dehydrated food.
Okay, birds, we’re ready. We’ve drawn the lines above the x’s and the o’s on the chalkboard and we think we can do this, but, you know, should we really destroy the planet? We mean, these people want to destroy Dollywood, the most holy and pure place in all of Tennessee outside of Graceland. Come on! We’ve gotta fight to protect this. Develop bigger guns people. The Zecronians are coming and if Will Smith has ever taught us anything, it’s the power of the human spirit in the face of an invading alien force. They may have lasers, but we have incredibly vile poisons and a penchant for destroying everything that is wonderful. If these people think they’re so wonderful, they’ve got a shock in store for them because they will be cancelled from existence faster than Arrested Development and their leader, whom we’ll beat mercilessly with a shovel, will softly whisper his final words (which of course will be in Zecronian, but I’ve kindly translated that into English for this particular fantasy): I’ve made a huge mistake.
That’s right, buddy. You’ve made a huge mistake. You don’t mess with us. You don’t mess with our neighbors and you certainly don’t mess with Mary Hartman Mary Hartman. Now go back to your cesspool of a planet and leave the troglodytes to their pretty pictures and worthless sounds you sad, pathetic, disgusting bag of moldy potatoes. Oh wait, you can’t. We killed you.****
Frank’s daughter Nancy said it best Mister Necronomizecron. Heed her words. That’s not a threat. It’s a promise.
*Little Green Men.
**The Godfather really is a movie that works for several cultures and star systems.
***We suppose this is why you don’t hand a 4 yr old unlimited resources.
****At this point, the author, at the risk of further editorializing his hatred of the Aquamaranian Zecronians, would spit in his face.
