life

46 posts

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 28

Each day on This American Life, Death and Violence we choose a different theme and come up with people and stories that fit that theme. Today: People who have good intentions. Stories of people trying to help, but end up causing a lot of trouble. For instance, we always try to have good intentions,  but it tends to backfire which has led to us getting called manipulative bastards by ex-boyfriends, which, well, isn’t fun, but, you know, we had good intentions! Anyways, let’s get to the fun!

Oh yeah. Before we begin, we’d like to make an announcement. In order to avoid overexposure, Joseph Gordon Levitt will no longer be mentioned in this blog. Every other Monday we will introduce a new crush object to alleviate weariness and this fortnight’s crush/mascot is Sufjan Stevens. We’re also debuting our fancy new logo! Get it on a mug!*

LIFE!

(When we put on our wings and soar towards success)


  • 1824: Blondin: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again. This French tightrope walker didn’t die from a fall, but he did have a fall that ended with the death of two people. It’s such a shame when the good intentions of entertainment lead to death. In 1861, while performing 50 feet above the ground, the rope he was on broke, causing the scaffolding to fall. Blondin was not injured, but two workers who were on the scaffolding fell to their deaths. An investigation occurred in which no fault was put onto Blondin or his manager. However, the judge said the rope maker had a lot to answer for. The man who ran the venue where the incident occurred vowed never to have a spectacle of that sort ever again, yet, Blondin was back the next year doing a tightrope walk 100 feet above the ground even though there was a bench warrant against him and his manager for not appearing at a trial in regards to the earlier, deadly incident as they were touring in America at that particular time. Blondin enjoyed a successful career until his death some thirty years later.

  • 1903: Vincente Minnelli: The famed director had the good intentions of love on his mind when he started courting Judy Garland on the set of “Meet Me in St. Louis,” but then he gave us Liza. Just kidding! We love Liza!
  • Back to Vincente, who was born as Lester. If we were born with a name like Lester, we would definitely change it to something cooler. We were almost named Jared according to our mother and thank god that didn’t happen. Anyways, Vincente’s famous flicks include An American in Paris, Brigadoon, Gigi, Father of the Bride and Madame Bovary.
  • He married four times (four!) and ended up dying from emphysema and pneumonia. Smoking is bad kids, but smoking in the snow in a t-shirt and a pair of jorts? That’s fatal. Remember that.

  • 1912: Clara Petacci: It’s hard to say what Clara’s intentions were when she teamed up with Mussolini, if they were good, if they were bad, but her continued support of the regime lead to further turmoil of the Italian people and when Benito and the Jets were captured by the Russians, she was shot with them, even though rumour has it that she was given the option to break up with the Italian dictator and escape with her life. She stayed with the band and Benito and the Jets ended up hanging upside down at a gas station.
  • Clara died at the age of 33, the same age as Jesus. We’re not saying she’s the messiah and that the Russians killed her and did a World War 2 crucifixion (shot in the head and strung up upside down so people can pelt your dead body with rocks). We’re just saying she was 33 is all and was hanged for vandalism in The Garden of Gasthemene Petrol Station. Honest.

DEATH!

(Where we go when our good intentions take us too close to the sun)

 

  • 1525: Cuauhtemoc: Cuauhtemoc (say that ten times fast) became the ruler of Tenochtitlan at 18 while the Spanish were taking over and everyone was dying of smallpox. This was like if the Secretary of Agriculture became President because no one else was able to do it, so yeah. In 1521, all the good intentions of saving the Aztecs failed, as he was captured by Cortes while fleeing Tenochtitlan in disguise. He asked to be killed, but Cortes had the royal treasurer torture Cuauhtemoc by burning his feet until he gave up that darned Aztec gold  (which was essentially nonexistent) and, fearing an insurrection, Cortes had Cuauhtemoc (we just love typing that name! Cuauhtemoc Cuauhtemoc Cuauhtemoc!) hanged, but not before Cuauhtemoc placed a curse on Cortes and made him feel guilty about hanging him! Oh Cuauhtemoc! You so smart! WE LOVE YOU AND YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS!
  • 1891: George Hearst: Georgie Boy had good intentions. He wanted the American Dream™ and he lived the American Dream™. He became a successful miner and investor and became a United States senator: The American Dream™. He more than provided for his family including, and this is where his good intentions took a turn for the worse, his son William Randolph who became a newspaperman and championed yellow journalism and that’s why we have stuff like the NY Post. Ugh. Hate you George, but mainly because we blame you for bad puns in headlines. You yourself are pretty awesome and a good role model for all us prospectors headed towards California, which would be  us! Announcement: We’re moving to California to find gold!
  • George Hearst had the most amazing beard known to hipster. They’d be mad jealous of him on Kent. And by they, we mean both sides of the culture wars: The Hipsters and The Hasids. It truly is amazing and we’re typing in awe as we look at it. Typing. In. Awe.
  • 1965: Emile Buisson: The French! Always surrendering! Well, this one had terrible intentions and he didn’t so much surrender as he was caught, but, then again, he didn’t kill them all when they closed in. He surrendered himself. Just like the French are wont to do. Anyways, Emily was a French gangster who killed a lot of people, and by a lot of people, we mean a lot of people. Like, more than thirty people. That’s a lot of people! What bad things can happen from good, we mean, bad intentions.
  • He was first captured in 1941, but was considered criminally insane and sent to the looney bin where he escaped in 1947. He was finally caught and executed in 1965. At least the French police never surrendered!

 

VIOLENCE!

(What happens when we exert force upon others)


  • 1710: Denmark vs Sweden! MONDAY! MONDAY! MONDAY! Be there! Be there! Be there! Only at The Silverdooome! 14,000 Swedes beat up 14,000 Danes and all the Danes got as consolation was a vicious plague and complete ruin of a few cities until the mid 19th century. Sweden won with superior design.
  • 1958: Crash! Boom! A bus full of children hits a wrecker truck and falls into a river killing 26 kids and the bus driver. Wait a sec. Isn’t this Simon Birch? (leaves to look up) Nope, that was filmed in Canada. Here’s a pic of the bus driver:

Seriously though. Sad.

  • 1991: George Bush wins the first Gulf War! You go, girl!

 

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY!

(How we thought it was a good idea to fly close to the sun with wings of wax is beyond us. Who do we think we are?)


  • 1883: The first vaudeville theater opens! Hello mah baby, hello mah honey, hello mah ragtime gaaaal! We’re gonna be a stah! A stah!
  • 1993: Invasion of David Koresh’s compound in Waco, Texas.
  • 2004: More than a million Taiwanese persons hold hands to commemorate the 228 Incident in which ten to thirty thousand protesters were killed by their government. The 228 Incident is now known within Taiwan as  Peace Memorial Day and the ring a bell to remember the victims.

 

Our intention today was to wow you, little birds, with another treasure trove of historical facts and whimsical words. We hope nothing bad comes of those good intentions and we leave you, until tomorrow, with another glorious photo of Life, Death and Violence Crush Object™ Sufjan Stevens:

*Life, Death and Violence logo not actually available on a mug.


Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 26-27

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What the hell is going on? This is what you’re saying. We know it’s what you’re saying because we can read your minds here at Life, Death and Violence, your #1 source for poor research and bad jokes about Joseph Gordon Levitt:

Joseph Gordon Levitt walked into a bar. He woke up a week later in the hospital.

JGL Immediately After He Walked Into That Bar

 

#Cracktalk has returned, but we lost a day, so we must make it up. We must avenge Friday by talking about Saturday and its holier than thou sister Sunday. Are you ready for the weekend? It’s basically over already, so, whatever. Who cares. Let’s get to it, little birds. Welcome to Video Weekends.

LIFE!

(If it was warmer, we’d take you to the zoo because that’s a weekend thing to do)
  • 272: Constantine the Great: He had a city named after him. Let’s hear about it:


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  • 1926: HM: He had amnesia and could learn new skills but not remember learning them. That’s weird. Here’s a skill we all can learn:


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  • 1928: Anatoli Filipchenko: Cosmonaut. Let’s learn about Apollo/Soyuz:


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  • 1932: Johnny Cash: He sang songs. Let’s listen:

 

DEATH!

(If it was summer, we’d go to the beach. It’s winter though and that’s a bummer)
  • 1892: Louis Vuitton: This dead guy’s stuff is liked by this living guy:


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  • 1993: Lillian Gish: Roll the tapes:


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  • 1998: Ted Schultz: Economist. Let’s learn about the economy:


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  • 2008: Dick Fletcher: We always preferred Weather Girls to Weathermen:


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VIOLENCE!

(If it was spring, we’d probably be cleaning)
  • You want violence?  Boom. Bang. Here:


 

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED!

(Let’s just go to the arcade and play Dance Dance Revolution, okay? Meet you in 20)
  • 1815: Napoleon escapes Elba. Here’s why he was there:


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  • 1919: It’s official. The Grand Canyon is a national park. Here it is:


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  • 1974: People Magazine is published. Here’s our favorite People from 1974:


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  • 1986: The Senate starts televising debates. Here’s some early Senate footage:


 

 

We have an Oscar party to get ready for. Bye. See you on Monday for a real one of these.

Meditation on an Affair

A recent chance encounter with an old friend led to nostalgic gossiping, as it often does.  This included remembering an affair among former mutual colleagues, which prompted reflection.  Not so much about the well-worn themes of “Why People Cheat?” – I’ve watched enough of that to think I get the various motivations.  More specifically we wondered about the role of the third party, and how he or she fits in.  How she or he thinks, and how she or he is viewed by others involved.

Assumptions

I want to separate out some of the common themes that come up when thinking about affairs.  So I’d ask you to assume (or at least trust me about) three things:

  • I’d like to take gender off the table, if that is ever possible.  There are plenty of important and interesting gendered themes when discussing affairs, but that isn’t what captivates me in this particular case.  In fact, it is relevant to this point that, with my former colleagues, the individual having the affair was the wife.  Or, even more to the point, that it is not relevant.
  • Assume that we do not need to care about the “injured” party.   How the affair impacts that individual is off the table.  This husband was an ass; and one could make a case that he simply didn’t care.  You can imagine him as abusive or withdrawn or also cheating or whatever.  I promise I’m not asking for this assumption so that we can feel sympathy for “home-wreckers,” but to get beyond thinking about affairs from the perspective of the other spouse, and try to make sense of the relationship between those involved in the affair.
  • Assume that the two married individuals either can not or at least will not divorce.  Whether this is due to religion, money, children.  Again, it doesn’t matter what specifically the reason is, just that this is the circumstance.  Long-term changes are unlikely.

The Third Party on the Third Party

So in this situation, what motivates the third party to be involved in such a scenario?  If this were a friend, we would tend to tell them that this is simply not a good idea, wouldn’t we?  Haven’t most of us had this conversation?  Or, let’s be honest, listened to someone else have it with us?  Certainly the individual could just be interested in short-term sex, but does that ever really work?  (Have romantic comedies taught us nothing?)  Are they holding out irrational hope for a future?  In a short life, are they not worried that they are spending limited time and emotional capital on an ultimately unavailable partner?  Is that the point?

The third party that I knew, I knew well, but not that well.  He knew that this was a mistake but couldn’t pull himself out of it.  He ignored other possible relationships because they might interfere with his availability.  Ultimately, his motivations were not that different from any motivations for a relationship:  he enjoyed the human contact, comfort, and energy that came from this woman.  The long-term was too vague to interfere with the short-term glow that he had.  And, don’t we all understand, the downsides were easily rationalized away.  The highs of the roller coaster imprinting much more clearly than the lows.

The First Party on the Third Party

And this leads to what is particularly interesting to me.  Given the above, how does this person having the affair rationalize it?  Not rationalize what she or he is doing to the spouse, but what she or he is doing to the third party?  In theory, this is someone that the first party has developed a strong emotional and physical bond with.  A friend, a colleague, a lover.  And yet, unlike the close friend who is saying “run away” this person does everything possible to pull the third party in closer.  To actively limit the third party’s ability to grow and develop long-term meaningful relationships. I think of this in terms of spouses left behind during war as well.  The spouse at home is lonely and needs support, but they must know that ultimately, even if the other spouse returns and never finds out, that in exchange for months of love and support, the paramour will receive nothing more than emotional pain.  (If you just realized that this is the second time I’ve made a point that can be illustrated by a Natalie Portman film, bonus points to you.)

It is no new interpretation to say the story of Dracula is ultimately a story about sex.  An old man’s thirst for the young that is so overpowering that it literally drains the life out of her.  And it is true that there is a Vampiric quality to so many affairs.  (And this is also why the apparently mostly-sexless Vampire-lead of Twilight is so stupid.) Perhaps the first party’s needs simply require fundamentally ignoring the life of the third party.  Blocking it out.  Having just finished Gary Shteyngart’s Super Sad Love Story – which, like all of his books, I do not recommend – the main (unmarried) character’s internal need to provide provide oral sex for his much younger girlfriend was viscerally representative. It is not alone.

But people are not all vampires; are not all narcissists.   It can’t be that everyone in an affair simply lives this disjointed life, psychologically ignoring yet attempting to satisfy the third party.  How does the first party explain away the incredibly difficult and untenable position they are placing this other person in, someone they care about, often deeply?  Is this why, in fact, so few affairs are true “love affairs” and why so many involve other benefits for the third party?

Distance and benefit?

The old, profoundly lame, joke is that men don’t sleep with prostitutes for the sex, but to get them to leave.  I wonder if there isn’t something slightly deeper occurring here.  Perhaps, the going away actually stands for limiting emotional connection in a way that helps the man rationalize his ultimate lack of availability to the third party.  The first party feels that affection is being shown in the only ways possible. We see this in mistress or cicisbeo culture as well.  Or in terms of “sleeping ones way to the top.”  Or so many celebrity affairs that are so well-publicized. The married individual can not provide the standard promises of a relationship, so other forms of benefit are substituted.  Benefits that the first party can rationalize as a potentially fair substitute for a real relationship, either explicitly or implicitly.  And in these cases, the third party can also sleep a little more soundly (on those nights when he or she is alone), knowing that the benefits are either a signal of promise or at least something that makes it all explainable, worth it.

Equally Unattainable

 

And perhaps this is why so many affairs involve situations where both couples are married or equally unattainable.  Or why our shared anecdotes reference uncommon yet re-occurring events – reunions, conferences, etc.  In these situations, life frames the expectations so narrowly that no one can have them.  Or at least have fewer of them.  Both parties are in both roles or the time-frame is so limited that the impact on the other’s emotional life is inherently limited.  It’s a vacation from life instead of a part of one’s life.

 

In the story of my colleagues, the third party ultimately moved to another job across the country.  The practical distance gave him the emotional distance he needed.  He started a new life, a new emotional life.  He is married now.  Happily, last I heard.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 23

Today on Life, Death and Violence: Men! And the manliest man thing of all? Sports! Yes, little birds, today we’re covering sports history. Throw that baseball into the endzone and make sure you don’t go offsides so you can get that service ace! Touchdown! These are sports things, right? Our sports memory has been hazy ever since that time in the fourth grade when our father made us go to Little League practice and we told him we didn’t want to do it anymore, but we went and got hit in the eye. We had to get stitches and then perform as Young Cain in Children of Eden that very night. Sports! The glory of victory and the suffering of defeat or something like that. Come running with us and Joseph as we explore this mystical world.

LIFE! (Ten hut, hike, yooouuu’rrreee OUT!)

  • 1970: Niecy Nash: Gold Medalist in the 2008 Olympic Sport of Cleaning and Negotiation (it wasn’t an aired event. NBC evidently didn’t think that it was worth their airtime), Niecy Nash knows how to werk it and get what she wants for the people she’s helping. She also looks fantastic with her signature flower. Unfortunately for the sport of Cleaning and Negotiations,  Ms. Nash retired in 2010 and has since disappeared from the highly televised sport, except, of course, on Style Classic, which showcases her stunning feats and most amazing victories. Ms. Nash supplemented her income as a Cleaning and Negotiations champion by being a police officer in the city of Reno, Nevada from 2003-2009.
  • One possible theory for her tragic and early departure from Cleaning and Negotiations is that Ms. Nash became so emotionally shattered after only managing 5th place in the 2010 edition of Dancing With the Stars, a ballroom dancing competition and a sport that she so heavily wanted to succeed in. We eagerly await the return of Ms. Nash to our airwaves in the sport of her choosing, but until then, we can only watch her victories.

  • 1983: Mirco Bergamasco: We guess he plays rugby and we’re not really sure how that’s played, but we eagerly look forward to learning if it’s solely played by guys like the Italian Bergamasco.

  • 1994: Dakota Fanning: Ms. Fanning, seen just prior to her 2004 Gold Medal at the Athens Olympics in Adorability (another unaired sport), also scored a silver in the 2008 Beijing Olympics after a narrow, crushing defeat to a little Chinese girl.
  • Next year’s London Olympics are set to be her last as by the time 2016 rolls bye, she’ll be 22 and aged out of the event.
  • Dakota, on the side, films many movies and is considered a Respected Female Starlet, though many are eagerly waiting for when she finally Lohans, but we don’t think that’ll happen. Dakota seems like a nice girl even if we’ve never seen any of her work, including the seminal 2003 film, Uptown Girls which co-starred now-deceased actress Brittany Murphy whom we just loved in Clueless.

DEATH! (We almost died playing Muggle Quidditch once. No, really*)

  • 1961: Davey Crockett: Davey played for the Detroit Tigers (put yo hands up for Detroit!) during their 1901 season and has his name carved into some stone at Comerica Park, but we haven’t seen it, mainly because we’re too busy looking at bronze sculptures of real players like Ty Cobb and Al Kaline. He did not wear a coonskin cap and that photo is not of him as we could not locate a photo of Davey Crockett the Baseball Player. Instead, we present to you, our dear readers, the above photo of former Pittsburgh Pirate Dale Long looking mighty fine while eating a sandwich.

  • 2000: Sir Stanley Matthews: Sir Stanley ate no meat. Sir Stanley drank no booze. Sir Stanley was boring, but he did play soccer, or, as you European pansies call it, football, and is considered to be one of the best players that the English have ever produced.
  • He has a stupid nickname: “The Wizard of the Dribble.” That’s really stupid. Also, he played for Stoke City and Blackpool, whatever that means and was also an inaugural inductee into the English Footballers Hall of Fame in 2002. Too bad he died before the ceremony. We don’t really get soccer. It’s just a lot of passing and the field seems way to big. Give us hockey any day.
  • He retired when he was 70 and was able to play at the top level until he was 50, which we guess is pretty impressive given the average lifespan of a sports person’s career. Maybe it has something to do with all the not-drinking and the not-eating meat. We don’t believe that. Then again, we aren’t star ‘footballers.’

  • 2008: Paul Frere: Italians drive fast and make lots of left turns like nobody else. VROOM! He also wrote about racing.

VIOLENCE! (War is  a sport that some nations are good at and some nations are bad at, just like real sports)

  • 1836: Shoot em up! BANG! BANG! ZOOM! The Battle of the Alamo began and, by the end, Davy Crockett the Baseball Player the Folk Hero would be dead.
  • 1847: Yesterday’s Battle of Buena Vista continued!
  • 1941: Glenn Seaborg creates and isolates plutonium paving the way for nuclear weapons.
  • 1997: Fire on Mir! ABORT ABORT!

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY (We’re good at bowling, but is bowling a sport?)

  • 632: The Prophet Mohammed retires from the sport of Public Speaking.
  • 1903: Cuba leased Guantanamo Bay to the Americans forever, one of the worst plays in the history of the sport of Foreign Affairs, at least from the Cuban perspective.
  • 1954: The Sport of Hunting Diseases begins a major match as man starts to inject kids with anti-polio vaccines.
  • 2005: The French pass a law requiring teacher’s to speak positively about colonialism. The law is repealed the next year. The Sport of Colonialism is dead! Long live Colonialism!

Now if you’ll excuse us, friends, we’re going to learn how to play rugby while practicing our favorite sport: Drinking.

*This did not happen.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 21

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Have you got a case of the Mondays, little birds? So early? Well, pour yourself a cup of coffee, pull up a chair, play that sad, sad tune and get ready for your favorite dose of bad comedy and poorly researched history: Life, Death and Violence! We feel really good today, because there are no thirteen year olds with Wikipedia pages today. In fact, everyone that was born and has a Wikipedia page is older than us! So we only have to feel like we’re complete failures when compared to people who are 22 or older. That’s right. Those people are 22. When we’re 22, we’ll have a Wikipedia page. This is what we tell ourselves even though we turn 22 one month from today exactly (mark your calendars!). Honestly, we don’t know why we don’t already when we’ve appeared in four seconds of television over the span of two episodes of a C-List MTV show. I mean, come on. Well, let’s get to it. We’ve got our press coffee and probably didn’t read Jailbird in time for the book club yesterday. By the way, there are 313 days left in the year. MiNombreEsChris and Splendorinda, PUT YO HANDS UP FOR DETROIT! The 3-1-3. The D. The Dirty!

Detroit Rock City, yo. Take that Bushwick.

LIFE! (None of these people are from the new Brooklyn)

  • 1728: Peter the III: He was emperor of Russia until he was assassinated on the orders of his wife Catherine (who would become Catherine the Great and one of the world’s greatest art collectors). He was also the heir to the Swedish throne, but turned it down to lead Russia instead (easy access to booze is always an incentive to a minor becoming a monarch).
  • He also has the distinction of being named the King of Finland for a short while and not being told so (our parents never told us anything at 14, either, so don’t feel bad about that Peter). He was a drunken, pro-Prussian idiot with smallpox that made him way ugly, too, so it’s no wonder his wife had him offed so that she could become the most celebrated Tsarina in all of Russia and amass a legendary art collection. Thems the breaks, Petey! Better luck next time! Okay, okay, we’re being mean. He wasn’t all bad. He abolished the Secret Police and proclaimed religious freedom, something that was revolutionary at the time and that not even those liberal pansies in Western Europe did.

1860: Sir William Goscombe John: What a name! This Welsh sculptor who worked in the gothic style (or, more correctly, the neo-gothic style) spent his youth restoring castles with his dad, which is awesome.

He made a lot of statues for a lot of people, notably John Cory and his wife and was granted a correspondence membership to the French Institute, a Prominent French Place for Prominent French People that sometimes lets Prominent Outsiders into their Prominent French Place so that everyone can feel Prominent and Important because they are, to steal a line from NYMag, The Most Important People in the World.

William Goscombe John is one of these Important People because of the French Institute and he better not forget it!

You hear that, Bill? Don’t forget it or the French will cut you. They. Will. Cut you.

  • 1927: Count Hubert James Marcel Taffin de Givenchy: One of the most famed couturiers of the Twentieth Century, Givenchy was responsible for the majority of Audrey Hepburn’s wardrobe and what a name! Sorry Will Jahcombover, you’ve been topped. Anyways, his daddy was the Marquis de Givenchy and he named his label Givenchy and his brother became in charge of the family perfume business which was eventually sold to Veuve Cliquot before moving over to Louis Vuitton Moet Hennesy (LVMH) to be with the womenswear line.
  • He idolized Cristobal Balenciaga (who of us doesn’t?) and had a slew of celebrity clients including Jackie O.,  Grace Kelly and the Guinness Girls (the 60s ones. Not Daphne) before finally retiring in 1995. His selection for who would succeed him was rejected by LVMH in favor of the more well known John Galliano. Today the label is run by Ricardo Tisci who we think does a good job.
  • He never married.

  • 1989: Corbin Bleu: The High School Musical star and lovechild of Corbin Fisher and Randy Blue’s French cousin (Justin Guarini was the surrogate) turns 22 today. Happy Birthday!

DEATH! (But what do I wear to a funeral in the new Brooklyn?)

Let’s ask Goofus and Gallant.

Gallant: Aubrey is dressed properly for a funeral. Solemn, but seductive in case she meets an attractive bachelor at the service.

Goofus: Tuck in that shirt, young man! And straighten that tie! It’s a funeral, not a frat party.

1513: Pope Julius II: Pope Julius II was the coolest pope ever. Why? He funded Michelangelo and you people all now how we feel about Michelangelo! He’s the guy who commissioned our good friend Mikey B to build a massive mausoleum smack dab in the middle of St. Peters. Too bad The Warrior Pope ended up with a bedbug filled walk-up in Sunset Park instead of movin on up, to the east side, and that dee-luxe apartment in the sky.

He had his iconic, rockin beard for less than a year. He grew it in mourning for the loss of the city of Bologna to outside forces under General Oscar Mayer, breaking the rules of canon law. You know what? Pope Julius II don’t care. Why? Because Pope Julius II is the honey badger who ever did pape the papacy. That’s why he’s also called “The Fearless Pope.”

The Vatican thought “The Honey Badger Pope” sounded too cool and that people would start worshiping the honey badger because honey badger don’t give a shit. Honey badger don’t care if he’s Divinity. He’s too busy passing out from cobra venom, but look, he’s gotten right back up. Honey badger.

1965: Malcolm X: The original spokesman for Ray-Ban® Clubmaster™ was assassinated in New York.

1974: Tim Horton: We’re at a loss for words, dear friends. This wasn’t just a man. This wasn’t just a hockey player. This was the man who created Tim Horton’s Coffee and Donut. We owe such a debt to this man. We wouldn’t have functioned in high school if it weren’t for the combination Wendy’s/Tim Horton’s across the street. We even went as a Canadian robot one year for Halloween. Its name? Tim-Bot 3000. Yeah, we named him after TimBits. We’re going to go get an iced capp right now in his honor and we think you all should too, assuming of course, you’re near a Tim Horton’s. We know that LeZig is because she’s in Toronto, that most Canadian of all Canadian cities. We bet there’s even two that are across the street from each other like there used to be for Starbucks in New York until The Dark Times. You be safe up there Timmy Ho! We’re pourin a little coffee on the ground in your honor. Don’t worry, we’re doin’ it over a sewer so as not to cause a mess, eh. Wouldn’t want to not be polite. Peace, Timmy. Peace. You’re a golden man and we’ll love you forever.

VIOLENCE! (You think Bed-Stuy is dangerous. Honey, get to Crack Mile)

  • 1952: Students in East Pakistan were shot while protesting for the establishment of Bengali as the national language. Bengali became the national language, but we ask ourselves, was it worth dying for? We’re not sure, but we live in a country without a national language.
  • 1953: Gerald Holtom designs the peace sign for the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament. Peace out, bros!


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OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY (Besides, of course, our declaration that Detroit is the new Brooklyn)

  • 1848: Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish the Communist Manifesto, thus screwing up the world for the rest of eternity because people can’t separate Communism from Leninism or Maoism, let alone Socialism
  • 1878: The first phone book is published, thus killing trees for the next 133 years.

  • 1918: The last Carolina Parakeet died in the Cincinnati Zoo. Pretty sad. They’re really colorful and pretty, but now they’re extinct.

  • 1925: The New Yorker publishes their first issue and begins tickling our funny bone with their cartoons.
  • 1947: Polaroid introduces the first instant camera paving way for New Age Fun with a Vintage Feel from the good folks at Hipstamatic™ or, if you have a Droid, Retro Camera.
  • 1948: VROOOOOOOOOOOOooooomommmmmmmmm. NASCAR starts.
  • 1975: The Watergate guys are sentenced
  • 1995: Steve Fossett lands in Saskatchewan after crossing the Pacific Ocean. In a hot air balloon. This guy is the honey badger of people and we here at Life, Death and Violence, your #1 source for poorly thought out research have actually procured the only known photograph of Mr. Fossett during his crossing of the Pacific.

Until next time, friends! Here’s a little happy to get you outta those ruddy, Monday blues.

 

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 18

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It’s Freaky Friday here on your favorite column about the past: Life, Death and Violence! What makes Freaky Friday different from any other day? It’s freaky! Like Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan switching bodies or Jimmy Johns’ delivery service, history just went insane today. Like, L. Ron Hubbard insane, so TGIF and let’s get through this together, step by step.*

LIFE! (Good idea: Anti-folk. Bad idea: Breaking up The Beatles)

  • 1516: Queen Mary I of England: You’d think that as Catholics we’d be super into Mary since she reinstated Catholicism after the hedonistic, Protestant rein of Henry VIII. You’d be wrong. Why? Because.
  • 1848: Louis Comfort Tiffany: Celebrities! They’re just like yesterday’s celebrities! What with the giving their kids weird names. At least the guy who founded Tiffany and Co. had the good sense to give his child an embarrassing middle name as opposed to a first name where everyone can see it and all. Lou was into glass blowing as opposed to silver, like his daddy, and, like any great artist from money, he spent a few years in Brooklyn honing his craft and drinking craft beer. He’s noted for redecorating the White House while not in the Important Political Role that is first ladydom. Glass! This is our favorite kind of glass:

We’re pretty sure Tiffany’s was involved in the creation of this rare type of glass.

  • 1906: Hans Asperger: FUCK YOU BITCH. YOU’RE A FUCKING CHILD. I’m sorry, that was my asperger’s.** WHORE
  • 1933: Yoko Ono***: The noted visionary, performance artist, destroyer of bands and media personality turns 78 today. Scream for Yoko! Scream for life! Scream for freedom! Scream for the future! Scream for Bungalow Bill! Just Scream! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yoko Loves You. We Love You Back Yoko and We’ve Written You a Haiku

Japanese Lady
Screaming Like a Wild Banshee
Babies Are Children

Yoko, Ann Liv Young has something to say to you****


 

  • 1968: Molly Ringwald: She’s no Yoko, but the 80s teen dream stole our hearts and made us feel good about being a ginger. Funny lady!
  • 1980: Regina Spektor: Regina, we need to talk. We love you. Soviet Kitsch is one of our favorite albums, but you’ve been shafted, girl. It’s Yoko’s day. We’re sorry. It’s not you. It’s us.


 

DEATH! (Yoko didn’t die today, so she can’t hog death, too. Sorry Yoko!)

Sorry Martin Luther and Kublai Khan! Someone else died today and we need to share some stories. There’s a joke we like to tell people that gets the occasional laugh: We’re sorry that we’re having such trouble with this piece x, but, you know, we’re young, tortured gay artists with ADD, you know, just like:

  • 1564: Michelangelo: Michelangelo Buonarotti is, hands down, our favorite artist in the entirety of art history, and it’s not just because of his work which is beyond spectacular. The sculptor (and don’t you dare call him a painter. He signed the Sistine Chapel “Michelangelo, Sculptor”) was the driving force behind the Italian Renaissance and, as he got older, Italian Mannerism. We really encourage everyone to read as much as they can about Michelangelo, but we’d like to share a story about a man, his mother, and a leg.

Everyone knows Michelangelo’s Pieta. A serene sculpture housed in St. Peter’s Basilica, reluctantly signed only because it was being attributed to other artists.  A critic of the day declared it a travesty, his main point that Mary looked far too young to be the mother of a thirty-three year old man. She looked to be in her twenties, he said. Michelangelo’s response? Virgins don’t age.

However, Michelangelo constructed a second Pieta that is far less known and, like many of his works (actually, all of his works with the exception of the Roman Pieta), is unfinished (yes, David and Moses are unfinished. We’ll get to that. Hold tight). This Pieta is a little unconventional as it is agreed upon by the art community to be a Pieta, but the composition is more similar to the Descent From the Cross. It is therefore occasionally referred to as The Deposition

Please take a second to think about what is wrong with this sculpture. Go on, we can wait. We’re just going to listen to a little Yoko while you do so.


 

Ready? Good. If you answered, Jesus is missing a leg, you’re correct, but before we get to why Jesus is missing a leg, it’s noteworthy to point out that the figure of Nicodemus (possibly Joseph of Arimathea) is widely thought to be a self-portrait. Michelangelo has inserted himself into the scene as the man who would prepare Jesus for burial. We think that reeks of egoism, but we’re pretty egotistical ourselves so it just gives us another reason to compare ourselves to Michelangelo despite zero sculpting ability.

Anyways, why is Jesus missing a leg? If you notice, it seems that the leg was draped over Mary’s thigh (his mother; Mary Magdalene is to his right (viewer’s left) and was sculpted by Tiberio Calcagni, not Michelangelo). Back in the 16th century, this particular position was considered heavily erotic and quite salacious. Upon recognizing that this is what he sculpted, Michelangelo started smashing the work, believing it to be evidence of potential incestuous lust for his own mother until he was held back by his assistants. They were able to mostly fix it, but not the leg. Michelangelo, even after his violent outburst, continued to labor over it until he discovered an impurity in the marble that had gone unnoticed. He gave the work to his servant who then sold it to a man who had it finished by Calcagni. Michelangelo worked on this piece for eight years.

As we had mentioned earlier, David was left incomplete by Michelangelo (it was later finished by some terrible curator whose name we forget). Michelangelo purchased the marble for David from another sculptor who had started work on a piece, but then decided he didn’t want to finish it. Michelangelo left a spot on the top of David’s head unfinished to honor that sculptor, until, as we mentioned, a curator noticed the rough patch and decided to finish it for Michelangelo.

Moses the sculpture is complete, but it’s part of a much larger mausoleum that was meant to sit in the center of St. Peter’s. Therefore, the artistic community considers it an unfinished work. It is currently housed at San Pietro in Vincoli where it is placed at the entirely wrong perspective. Both David and Moses are meant to be placed on high so that their grandeur can be felt. When placed on the ground, they look disproportionate and long.

VIOLENCE! (Good idea: Making love. Bad idea: Making War)

  • 1846: Sic Semper Tyrannis! Peasants killed a lot of people in Poland while protesting serfdom. Serfdom was abolished two years later. See, Poland? Egypt does it peacefully and gets what they want in three weeks. Violence is not the answer! Make love, not war! Look at Joseph*****! In your fields! Calling for peace! Make love with him, not war!

  • 1878: SHOOT EM UP! ZING! BANG! POW! John Tunstall was murdered by Jessie Evans sparking the Lincoln County Wars in New Mexico. Jessie Evans disappeared two years later.
  • 1983: Once again, we have a wackily named massacre. Today! The Wah Mee Who Me? Massacre in Seattle. Thirteen people died and one guy got seriously injured (but was able to testify in the high-profile trial) by three guys wanting to rob an illegal casino in Chinatown. SHOOT EM UP! BANG! POW! CLINK! CLANK! DUN DUN! PRISON!
  • 1991: The IRA bombed Paddington Station and Victoria Station in London. Our favorite glass was not pleased.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED! (Good idea: Fighting Nazis. Bad Idea: Praising Xenu)

  • 1861: Italy unifies and some guy named Victor declares himself King! No documents remain regarding his position on bunga bunga.
  • 1943: The Gestapo begins arrests on members of the White Rose Movement, a group of non-violent/intellectual students who opposed The Third Reich. They were executed some time later and are now regarded as heroes of the Nazi Resistance.
  • 1954: The first Church of Scientology opens in LA, begins their quest in recruiting fabulous celebrities in order to further their cause of letting the world know about Xenu and aliens and volcanoes and whatever it is that those crazies believe in.
  • 1972: California repeals the death penalty!
  • 1972: California reinstates the death penalty months later when putting it to the voters! California, repealing bad things and putting them back in place so as to maintain the status quo since (at least) 1972.

It’s been a fun week, cats, kittens and honey badgers! We’ll see you on Monday, and remember: YOKO! YOKO! YOKO! YOKO! Four for you Glen Yoko! You go Glen Yoko!

*We once had a dream where we were on a bridge with the cast of Step By Step and then we met a witch and the witch turned everyone in the cast to wax one by one. It was really scary. We were, like, seven and had accidentally slept on the Jafar side of our pillowcase instead of the Aladdin side which was totally the good dream side. CURSE YOU JAFAR!

**We do not have Asperger’s and as SixThirty noted, that was actually Tourette’s. This is why we don’t study psychology.

***WE LOVE YOU YOKO

****We were at that taping of Ann Liv Young’s Mermaid show and it was wild. That was the fifth time that they had to start over for the scene due to technical hiccups with the sound and the sheer animalistic tension and anger emanating from Ann Liv (performing as Sherry) was just exquisite. We were stunned, but we may just have a disaster fetish. She yelled at Claudia Larocco of the NYTimes for whispering to a friend during a break. It was phenomenal. A week later, she hit our friend in the head at the Party That Dare Not Speak Its Name with a ceramic necklace that was meant for Penny Arcade.

*****LaZiguezon: Hop on the JGL Bandwagon

Authors Note: I’m going to separate myself from the editorial ‘we’ here. I’d just like to thank everyone who’s read this feature in its inaugural week, especially those of you who have been so effusive in your praise for it. I wasn’t really over at Crosstalk because I never felt witty enough to be there (I was starred, but only because of a contest) and so it’s really great to be here with all these funny people, being able to write something that people seem to like. You’re all super and I’m really glad I was introduced to this amazing community. See you Monday. I refuse to put this much effort in seven days a week. xox